Beautifully Ruined (28 page)

Benjamin looks at me, staring through me. His eyes are vacant and hollow. He looks to be pondering my words, taking a minute to think them through. He’s deciding something. It can’t be good.

Turning to my boyfriend, I see the terror in his eyes, the worry and concern covering his face. It matches my own. “I'm so sorry, Zephyr,” I whisper, clutching my arms to my body.

“Don't speak to him,” Benjamin demands, dragging his hand through his hair.

I nod, prepared to do anything he asks if only it means Zephyr leaves alive.

He raises the gun and the booms before I can clearly think. For a brief moment, I look to Zephyr, watching the shock cover his face. Our eyes connect in these brief moments before the bullet hits. When they do, his face washes over in acceptance.

Then he’s down.

“
ZEPHYR!
” I scream, feeling as if my heart’s just been ripped from my body. I rush to him. I need to be with him right now. I need him to know that I’m still here. He needs me. I fall next to him—his body—and grab his hand. I’m screaming but I don’t hear any sound. Whatever is in me is hollow and broken, ruined, just like the boy on the floor.

The blood won’t stop. I place my hands over the wound, not entirely sure of what to do, and press—hoping to stop it, hoping to save him. I can’t stop crying, I can’t force myself to be strong when he needs my strength and I hate myself for it.

He can’t die, he can’t be dead—he can’t leave me, not now. Not ever.

I love him.

I fucking love him, damn it. He can’t die!

Zephyr’s still breathing—that’s a good sign. It means life. But his breathing is shallow. “Please,” I beg quietly. “Please, don’t leave me.” I repeat and repeat, hoping it’s heard somewhere above.
He’s done so much
, I think.
You can’t take him now. He has so much more life to live
.

Even if it’s a life without me, Zephyr has so much promise—it can’t be taken away from him because of me.

Before I can check for a pulse, Benjamin lifts me up from the floor, his arm tightly around my waist. He carries me down the stairs as I scream and fight him to be with Zephyr. Zephyr needs me, he needs me, he needs me—he fucking
needs
me right now—and this man is preventing it. I can save him. I can save Zephyr like he’s saved me through all these years.

But I know—I know now as I am forcefully carried from the house and thrown into the back of a car—that I will never see him again.

Everything I hoped for in my life—I lost it in one decision. One foolish decision made of greed and want. I’d been running my entire life: running from friends, from family, from feelings I couldn’t explain, from things that made me uncomfortable—but needed. I’d run so fast and so far that I’d finally come full circle, starting right back at the beginning, right where I started. When I thought I’d defeated my demons, when I thought I could finally be happy and start anew, that’s when everything changed—but I didn’t want to run anymore.

I was home.

I was somewhere I belonged—finally, and I refused to let anyone tear me away from the place I loved the most. The place that held my heart—
home is where the heart is
.

I sought safety in the Boy Next Door. I sought friendship, love, and kindness. He returned everything and so much more, unremarkably making me believe in something greater than my past. I couldn’t ask for anything or anyone better.

The only boy I could ever love was lying on that floor and I didn’t know if he were alive or dead. I knew I’d never know.

Someone told me to believe in miracles—this was the moment to pray for one, and hope that Zephyr will be okay. I can only hold so much fight within me and I’ll need it. But my one wish is that Zephyr lives.

One of us needs to.

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I’ll see her again. There is nothing I feel more in my heart than this—I will see Joey again.

Somehow, Joey will come back home and she can have that happy ending she’s always wanted, the happy ending she deserves.

Joey
—I think as I stare into her eyes, the last thing I see before I fall into this dark pit of pain. She stares at me, tears rolling down her cheeks, a soundless scream leaving her lips. This is the Girl Next Door, the one with the secrets I deciphered—
I love you so much.

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