Beautifully Damaged (13 page)

Throughout the following week, Trent and I went apartment hunting. Trace was never in the apartment and I was guessing that he wouldn't be until I left. That seemed a bit harsh and though I tried to convince myself that Trace had my best interest at heart, I had a hard time believing it. After a week-long search, I found a place that I liked and made an offer.

After our shift at Clover, Trent and I walked over to a little hole-in-the-wall jazz club that was having an open-mic night. Trent asked me if I wanted to sing and I shocked even myself when I stood behind the mic and starting singing the sultry sounds of Paula Cole's
Feelin' Love
. Even more extraordinary was that I didn't lose myself in the music to ignore the crowd; I instead looked out into the smoky room and connected with the audience in a way I never had before.

While engaging the audience, I saw a man standing in the corner and, though it was dark, I knew he was ridiculously handsome. He was leaning against the wall with one foot crossed over the other and his eyes completely on me. It was true that I wanted Trace but wanting something and having something were two entirely different things. It was time for me to accept that Trace and I were never going to happen. It was time for me to move on.

I lost sight of the man after the song ended. Later, as I was having a drink with Trent at the bar, a shadow fell over me. I looked up and there he was. His hair was a warm brown with the lights pulling out the red. His eyes were a startling, bright blue and though he wasn't as tall or as built as Trace, he was still very handsome. When he smiled it was like watching the sun coming out on a cloudy day.

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"Yes."

Trent looked from me to the man before grabbing his drink and vacating his spot as he leaned over and kissed my forehead. When he spoke it was more for the man than me, "I'll be right over there."

I watched Trent leave and the man slid into his vacant seat before he reached for my hand.

"Lucien."

"Ember."

"You've got quite a voice, Ember."

"Thank you."

"I've never seen you here before."

"No, Trent and I usually go to a place in the Village but we've heard a lot about this place so we thought to give it a try."

"I'm really glad that you did."

I reached for my glass as I held his gaze, "Are you here to listen or to play?"

"Both."

"Yeah, what do you play?"

"Sax."

"Have you played yet?"

"I'm up in a bit."

"I look forward to hearing you."

It was worth the wait. Lucien was good -- really good -- and later that night when he asked to kiss me, he was good at that, too. Before I left he asked me for my number and when our cab pulled away, he stood on the sidewalk watching.

The following morning I awoke and to my surprise, Trace was actually home. I dressed before walking into the kitchen to see Trace was already at the stove scrambling some eggs.

"Good morning."

He turned to me and -- yes, I knew I was moving on and that I wasn't really given a choice in the matter but, damn it all -- he was just everything I wanted.

"Good morning, Ember."

I supposed that was as good a time as any to tell him that I was moving out so I grabbed a stool at the island and took a deep breath before I just said it.

"I've been apartment hunting and I found a place I like." I saw as his body stiffened but I just continued on.

"I'm moving out, Trace, just as you asked, but I need you to know that I want to stay."

I waited for him to say "Yes, stay" but he didn't even acknowledge that I was speaking to him. My heart hurt as I forged on.

"Thank you so much for letting me stay here."

He remained completely still and if I hadn't witnessed the tensing of his shoulders I wouldn't have thought he heard me at all. I didn't understand why he was pulling so far away from me but it really hurt.

My phone rang then and as I reached for it, I saw it was Lucien. I stood to exit the room. I hit the answer button and said as I put the phone to my ear, "I just wanted you to know." I walked from the room as I offered, "Hi, Lucien."

"Good morning. Would you have dinner with me tonight?"

"Yes, I'd love that."

"How's Delaney's sound?"

"Perfect."

"I'll come for you around seven?"

"How about I meet you there?"

"Okay, See you tonight, Ember."

"See you at seven."

I hung up the phone as I reached my room and walked to my closet to grab my bags so I could start packing. I hadn't realized Trace was standing in the doorway until he spoke, "Who was on the phone?"

I looked up at him and though he looked calm, I had the sense that he was actually more like a hurricane off the coast with all of that deadly energy stirring to life.

"A friend. I met him last night."

"You're going to dinner with him?"

"Yes."

His hands actually balled into fists and it looked as if he wanted to rip something to shreds. His contrary behavior stirred my own temper. I turned fully to him as I put my hands on my hips.

"What exactly is the problem?"

"You don't even know this guy."

"No, that's what dating is for! You should know all about dating, what with Siobhan and who knows how many others. You pushed this on me. This is what you wanted!"

He was clenching his jaw so hard I thought he might actually break a tooth. What the hell?

I continued, "Look I get it. There's a whole part of you that you are unwilling to share. You don't want people close and it's easier for you to stay alone so you don't have to be human. You want to be a cyborg? Then be one, but you don't get to push me away one minute and then get pissed the next because I did as you wished. You didn't give me a say in this. You decreed how it was going to be between us so now you have to sit back and shut the fuck up!"

The change in him was startling as I watched a range of emotion cross over his face. For just a moment, I saw past the armor and the indifference to the damaged man underneath. Tears stung my eyes at the look of self-loathing and hatred that burned from those steel-blue eyes.

"Oh god, what happened to you, Trace?"

He offered nothing and then he said quite softly, "I can't hurt you like this, Ember. I do want you here."

"Then why are you pushing me away?"

"You deserve better than me."

"Siobhan?"

"My attempt to prove that point to you."

"Is that why you're never around, why you told me to move out?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

He moved with startling speed to stand just in front of me. His eyes were dark and wild as he reached for my hand to press it to the hard length of him.

"This is all I have to offer you, Ember. Sex is all I'm good for and you deserve more than that, more than a shag from a guy who's fucked half the city."

"All you have to offer or all you want to offer?"

He laughed but it wasn't a pleasant sound as he moved away from me to pace the room before he stopped to level me with eyes that were filled with conflicting emotions.

"I'd give it all to you, Ember -- but me -- I'm not a good bet. You deserve a man worthy of you. I want you. I can't think straight; I want you so fucking badly but I'm shit, Ember, and I always will be."

"What if I disagree?"

"Eventually, you'd come to realize the truth."

"Why do you hate yourself so much?"

"It's what I know."

I walked over to him and took his hands into mine as I looked deeply into his eyes.

"I want you, too, Trace, I want to be with you. Let me in. Let me close to you."

I studied him but I couldn't read him at all and then I said. "If you don't want to take a chance on me I get it but you should know the damage is done because for me, it's you."

He said nothing -- just stood there looking at me with his completely unreadable expression, and then he pulled his hands from mine, turned and walked away. It hurt, watching him go. It hurt so much that I had trouble drawing in a breath as I settled on the edge of the bed and let my tears run down my cheeks. It was with a broken heart that I continued my packing.

I spent the day in my room and emerged to an empty apartment only thirty minutes before my date. I called a cab and went down to wait for it wearing my little black dress.

I arrived at the restaurant a bit early but Lucien was already there. He didn't see me right away so it gave me a minute to study him. He really was very handsome, especially dressed as he was in a black suit, purple shirt and tie and his hair pulled back into a ponytail. As soon as he saw me, his cornflower-blue eyes lit with genuine interest and when he started towards me, his stride was measured and deliberate. He reached for my hand and brought it up to his lips as a smile curved his mouth.

"You look beautiful."

I blushed as I watched him kiss my hand. "You look very handsome."

His cheeks turned slightly pink and my heart squeezed in my chest from the sweet thought of a man like him blushing over a compliment. He recovered quickly as he pulled my hand through his arm.

"Shall we?"

The restaurant was dimly lit and our table was tucked in a private corner. Lucien held my chair for me before folding himself into the chair across from me. After we scanned the menu, and placed our order, he lifted his glass.

"To beginnings."

I lifted my glass and smiled before taking a sip, while my eyes held his as I did. He was everything a girl could ask for: sweet, polite, handsome. I so much wanted to jump in with both feet and take a chance but my damned heart belonged elsewhere and, though I never had Trace, my heart didn't care.

"Your eyes are sad, what's wrong?"

"My being here isn't really fair to you."

"Why?" He seemed to figure it out on his own and added, "There's someone else."

"Actually, there isn't but."

"You want there to be."

I didn't answer since it wasn't necessary.

"What happened?"

I didn't mean to sound so angry when I answered him but my emotions were still very tender.

"Nothing. He wants me and I want him but he refuses to go there because he thinks he's not good enough for me. I'm staying with him -- that's a long story -- our relationship is completely platonic but he asked me to move out. I told him just this morning that I am and, well, it didn't go well. I'm sorry this isn't really how you saw this evening going. Maybe I should just go. I'm not very good company."

He reached across the table to take my hand into his. "Being alone when you're hurting only makes it worse. Stay, Ember, eat something and take advantage of having someone who's a great listener."

I felt tears burn my throat at the sincerity I saw in his face and heard in his words. Why couldn't I have met him first? Because even if I had, one look at Trace, and I would have been a goner. I squeezed Lucien's hand as a smile touched my lips.

"I'd rather hear about you."

"Okay, but, Ember, if he's the one you want and you are for him, don't take no for an answer. Fight for him."

I had the sense he was speaking from personal experience but I didn't get to think too long on that when he added, "... if he blows his chance, Ember, he's an idiot. I won't make the same mistake."

I returned after a lovely dinner with Lucien to a still empty apartment. I thought about Lucien's advice and realized that he was absolutely right. I wanted Trace and realized that I was good for him. I had seen a change in him while we were together. He was almost at peace and was definitely less haunted. He made me happier than I'd ever been. He was it for me and I was willing to fight for him and had a suspicion that outside of Rafe no one ever had.

I grabbed my phone and called Rafe who answered on the first ring.

"Rafe, where's Trace?"

It sounded like relief in his voice when he offered, "He's here, Dominic's in the Bronx."

I hung up and called a cab. I got to the place and I could hear the cheering from the street outside. Inside looked a lot like the gym Rocky trained in and in the middle of it was the ring. I moved through crowds but stopped when I felt a hand on my arm. I looked up to see Rafe but his expression was grim.

"I'm really glad you came."

I felt dread at that. "Why?"

He gestured to the ring, "He's letting them pound on him."

I turned to see Trace in the middle of the ring with his back and chest covered in large, purple welts. An ugly, blackish-purple mark over his ribs on the right side was clearly the pooling of blood from cracked or broken ribs but it was the sight of his face that had tears streaming down my face. He was so bloody that I couldn't see the extent of the damage. I watched as he made no attempt to dodge the blows, taking the pounding over and over again. It was a testament to his strength that he could take that kind of beating and still be standing.

I stood there for ten minutes watching as Trace allowed himself to be hammered and then, as if he'd grown tired of it all, he moved with lightning speed and leveled his opponent with one solid punch to the jaw. The crowd went berserk but Trace just stood there looking down at his opponent, emotionless.

Seeing him standing in the midst of a crowd yet being so utterly alone provoked me to go to him. I reached the ring and climbed under the ropes. I didn't know what he was thinking about, if anything, since he didn't realize my presence until I reached for his hand. His eyes moved to our hands before he lifted his gaze to my face and it was then that I saw how desolate he looked. I threw my arms around his neck and pressed myself against him. I felt the shudder that went through his body and then those arms reached up and wrapped around me, pulling me so close, before he buried his face in my hair and just held on.

Rafe helped me get Trace home and made me promise that I'd call him if I needed anything. Trace was standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror when I returned from seeing Rafe out.

"We should get you cleaned up." I said which had his eyes finding mine in the mirror.

"What are you doing here, Ember?"