Beautifully Broken (11 page)

The rising sun shone through
my window like a burning flame. I could feel its rays warming my cheeks, to the
point of discomfort. My head felt like a fifty-ton boulder was sitting right on
my temple. I threw my comforter over my head, trying to go back to sleep. I
wanted to escape all that the day had in store for me. When that didn’t work I
finally drug myself out of bed and into the shower. I stood under the stream of
scorching hot liquid, hoping to erase the past days events. As I lathered my
body with soap, I couldn’t help but look down at my currently flat stomach. I
inched my hand up my side and over onto my stomach. Even knowing now, I still
felt no connection to the life that was growing inside of me.

I took my time dressing in my
favorite pink and black pair of Victoria Secret yoga pants and the matching
pink tank. I looked at myself in the full-length mirror from all angles. My
toned thin frame was going to become a frame of fat, if I kept this baby. That
was the only thought running through my mind. I wasn’t having any of the
‘normal’ thoughts women have, when they found out they were pregnant. I wasn’t
excited, happy, jumping for joy or even smiling. I should be elated that there
was half of me and half of Gray growing inside of me, but all I felt was guilt.
I felt guilty for not wanting this baby, for not wanting to tell Gray and for
not wanting to even try to feel something towards the whole situation. I was
lost and alone and Gray was
never
going to know.

“Hey Baby, it seems like
forever since I last talked to you. How are you feeling this morning?” His
voice was music to my ears. I had only gotten about three hours of sleep but
how could I not be over the moon to wake up to his soothing tone, that I was
longing to hear.

“I’m feeling a little bit
better, so far.” I let out a small laugh. A small smile flashed across my face
when I heard him chuckling along with me. “I’m really sorry I didn’t call you
back last night. It was a long night and by the time Hannah left, I was beat.
Please say you forgive me.” I made my pouty face even though I knew he couldn’t
see it.

“Tuck your lip back up Baby,
I know you’re pouting.” He knew me all too well. “It’s okay. I forgive you.
Vince and I ended up going out for a drink last night anyway, so I probably
wouldn’t have heard my phone even if you did try to call back. I miss you more
than ever Bennett. I wish I could come home to you.” I could hear the sadness
in his voice and I
knew,
now was not the time to bring up the fact that I was
carrying his unborn child.

“I miss you too Gray, so
much. It’s been rather lonely being in my bed all alone.”

“I know Button. Trust me, I
know! I can’t wait to be done with all of this and be back in your arms, just you
and me. We will have all the time in the world for it to be just us. I can’t
wait, I will have an awesome career and you will be through your first year in
school. We’ll have endless possibilities laid out ahead of us.” I could hear
the smile and happiness in his tone.

“Gray? There’s...um... something
we need...”

Hey Baby, I hate to cut you
off but Vince just showed up and we got to head out to our next class. Fell
better my love. Miss and love you tons.”

I could hear Vince in the
background, calling for Gray to hurry up. “I miss and love you too. Talk to you
soon.”

“K Baby, bye.”

And with that, our
conversation was over. I rolled onto my back, arms splayed out just like I was
making a snow angel. I let the cool metal phone slip between my fingers. I
heard it thump against the floor and my eyes slowly blinked shut. At least I
can tell Hannah that I tried to tell him. Could I have been more forceful about
it? Probably, but he was always so busy with class.

When I was done brushing my
teeth, I drug myself into my room to get ready for the rest of the day. I
pulled on my favorite pair of dark wash skinny jeans and tugged on my charcoal
grey and navy striped cable knit sweater. I readjusted the collar and pulled on
my black suede knee high boots. I nodded in acceptance of my appearance. Hell,
if I was going to have to leave the comfort of my home, I was going to look
damn good doing it.

Three cups of coffee later, I
was locking my front door and on my way to the doctor’s office. My mood had
immensely changed from dark and somber, to light and cheerful. I couldn’t help
but hope that the rest of the day would be a better. I pulled into the parking
lot thirty-five minutes later. Another thirty minutes in the waiting room and I
was back in a room. I had changed my appointment that Gray’s mother had made. I
now knew that I needed to see my OB/GYN, not my primary physician.

“Well, good morning Bennett,
how are you doing today?” Dr. Rainey was her usually perky self.

“Hi. I’m doing okay, I
guess.” I faked a smile.

“Glad to hear it. So, what
are we seeing you for today sweetheart?”

My smile faded and I could
feel the tears welling up. “Well, I have been really sick, throwing up and all
that jazz for a couple of weeks now. Long story short, my friend Hannah had me
take a home pregnancy test, and…well, it came back positive.” I could feel the
blush rising up my neck making it’s way into my cheeks.

“I’m assuming this isn’t a
happy discovery?” She rested her hand on my leg in a comforting fashion.

I shook my head, “No, no
it’s not a happy discovery. I’m only eighteen and I am
so
not ready to be a parent.”

Dr. Rainey’s tall thin frame
crossed the room, to grab some tools from the drawers next to the sink. Her
bleach blonde hair brushed across her white coat as she searched for something,
unknown to me.

“Well, let’s do a pelvic
exam and then we can do an ultrasound to determine how far along you are. After
that, we will discuss your options. Sound good?”

“Yes.”

The pelvic exam went by
painfully but quickly, and I was thankful for that. What I wasn’t ready for was
the ultrasound. I didn’t know how I was going to react to seeing my baby right
in front of me, let alone hearing the heart beat.

“Okay so I’m just going to
put some of this warm gel on your abdomen and look around for a minute.”

“Okay.” Was all I could
manage.

She adjusted the screen and
angled it towards me, so I could see what she was looking at.

“Okay, so see this little
black dot?” She pointed to a place on the screen that had me squinting, to see
what she was talking about. “That’s your baby. So, you’re definitely pregnant.
Just let me measure it a bit and I can tell you how far along you are.”

As she clicked away on her
mouse, I couldn’t help but stare at the screen in front of me. My heart was
constricting and I was slowly losing my breath. A stray tear worked its way
down my cheek and I slowly swiped it away, so she wouldn’t see. I was at the
brink of falling apart but this wasn’t the place or time.

“It looks like this little
miracle was conceived about seven weeks ago. So, you are very newly pregnant.
Do you want a picture to show the new daddy to be?”

I couldn’t force myself to
share in her enthusiasm, so I simply nodded my head. Twenty minutes later I was
leaving her office picture and prenatal vitamins in hand. As I walked out of
the sliding glass doors, I slipped the bottle into the tall metal trashcan
outside. I tucked the ultrasound picture into my over sized purse, making my
way to my car. I pulled out of the parking lot faster than a speeding bullet. I
drove straight home, turned off my phone and snuggled up, under my protective covers
on my bed.

I awoke to a loud banging on
the front door, instantly knowing it was Hannah. I had promised to call her
after my doctor’s appointment but what was I going to say? I tucked the
comforter deeper around me, trying to ignore the blatant sound of Hannah
yelling. I didn’t have the strength to deal with
anyone.

The banging never ceased, so
I slowly pulled myself from the darkened cocoon. I took my sweet time as I
walked to the front door, hoping she would leave before I reached it. No such luck.
Her look was murderous as I stood in front of her, not saying a word.

“Its about damn time you
answered your fucking door. You promised me that you would call me when you got
home.” She had already pushed her way passed me and was heading into the kitchen.
I stood staring at her, door hanging wide open. “Are you going to fucking tell
me what the hell is going on?” She stood with her hands balled into fists
against her hips. I knew not to mess with her when she was like this, so I
conceded.

I walked past her to grab a
glass of water. My mouth was parched from throwing up all day and it gave me a
few minutes to figure out what to say to her. “I’m pregnant! What else would
you like to know Han?” I let my face fall into my hands before the floodgates
opened up.

I felt her warm arm wrap
around my shoulders, pulling me into a hug. It was exactly what I needed. I
stood there in my kitchen balling on Hannah’s shoulder, all the events from
today running through my mind.

“I’m
so
sorry
Bennett. I’m so sorry.”

Hannah walked me over to the
kitchen table, pulling out two chairs for us. She continued to rub my back as I
told her everything the doctor had told me. “I have a picture in my bag, over
there.” I pointed in the general direction of where I thought I had thrown my
bag onto the floor.

Hannah rummaged through my
purse until she came across the black and white ultrasound picture, beginning
to wrinkle. “Oh Bennett, that’s amazing! Do you know what you want to do?” I
could sense the fear in her voice.

“I’m going to do what’s best
for our future.”

“And, that would be?” She
asked impatiently.

“Han, I can’t do this to
Gray. I already made an appointment to have ‘it’ taken care of.” She started to
protest but I cut her off just as quickly as she had started. “I know how you
feel about it Hannah, I don’t need to hear it anymore. This is what’s best for
us. I need someone to drive me there tomorrow, will you help me?” I knew she
would, regardless of how she was feeling, but she hesitated and that scared me.

“Yeah Bennett, I’ll take
you. You sure this is what you want to do?” Sadness was written all over her
face. A part of me wanted to be ready to be a mother, but that part wasn’t
greater than the part, which was still an irresponsible teenager.

I nodded at Hannah and she
wrapped her arms around me, bringing me into a deeper hug this time. “I have to
be there by 8:45 in the morning.” Tears were now rolling uncontrollably down my
face and onto her silk shirt. I Knew deep down this was the right thing to do,
but it still felt so wrong.

“I’ll be here.” She kissed
my forehead and headed back out the front door. She turned around before
closing the door behind her. I think she was wishing and hoping that I would
change my mind. I just gave a small wave and walked to lock the door behind
her.

I climbed right back into my
comforting bed. I turned my phone back on, right before bundling myself back
up. There were only text messages from Hannah. Not a single one from Gray. I
looked back at my alarm clock on my dresser. It was already 10:45 at night and
still no word. If I wasn’t for sure about it before, I sure as Hell was now. If
Gray can’t even pick up a phone to call me, how was he ever going to be able to
take care of another human being?

I was still feeling a little
woozy after we left the clinic. I was in more pain than I thought possible.
Hannah quickly stopped to fill my prescriptions and continued back to my house.
My legs were still shaky, so she practically had to carry me into the house.

“Where do you want to lay?”

I looked over at her, a
single tear dropping onto her sweater. “The living room is fine.” I mumbled.

She laid me down on the old
brown, worn out couch and ran to grab everything I would need for the next
couple of days. Hannah decided it was only right that she stay with me, until I
got through this. She returned a moment later with some pillows, my comforter, and
a tall glass of water, my pain pills and the bottle of small pink pills. I was
instructed to take those at least twice a day to help things, ‘go back to
normal.’