Beautifully Awake (19 page)

“Sounds good, I’ll check with the boss lady.” Dad smiled and pulled me in for a tight embrace. “Take care of my babydoll, Chase. I don’t trust easily, but you seem like a good man.”

“Thanks, Jim. She’s definitely precious cargo.” Chase and Dad shared one last handshake. Damn, my heart near melted.

“Bye, Dad. Please send Sharon my love and tell her sorry we missed her. I’ll call you later, let you know how it went.”

“Bye, babydoll. Good luck.” After one more precious wink, my dad headed back to work, and Chase and I crossed the street toward the courthouse.

“
F
irst, thanks for breakfast.” I kissed his perfectly chiseled cheek. “I know it’s no big deal to you, but my dad is kind of a proud man. Thanks for how you handled the check.”

“He should be proud. He works hard and raised an amazing daughter as a single parent. I couldn’t have more respect for the man. And I told you, baby, you never have to thank me. I would feed your entire family every meal for the next twenty years to see that smile on your face.” This time Chase leaned down and kissed my nose. “So if that was first, is there a second?”

I loved that devilish grin, but even more, I loved that I was the only one who got to see it.

“And second, the planetarium? Really! I could have killed you.” I playfully pushed him away from me.

Laughing, he embraced me tighter. “Hey. Did I lie? I distinctly remember you chanting how
amazing
it was, like it was your mantra. Or were you referring to something other than ... the exhibit?” His eyes sparkled, making him look impossibly adorable.

“You’re impossible!” I nestled my flushed face into his side, tempted to laugh myself.

“And you’re pure sweet.” His voice was serious before his lips touched mine. “Now let’s go, so you can get this over with. Maybe if there is time after, you can show me the rest of your hometown?”

“Sounds great.” And it did. I marveled at his ability to ease my nerves and turn my emotions around. “Not that the grand tour of Wrangel takes that long. You’re looking at most of it.” I gave my best Vanna White impression and waved my hand toward the few blocks that made up the town. “Or maybe we can just go back to the hotel instead, and you can remind me of everything
amazing
about the planetarium.”

Chase lifted my chin, holding my gaze. “
Nothing
sounds better ... but first tell me one thing, do
the boys
being away at a race have something to do with your sudden change in attitude? Truth.”

“Um. Dad’s not so subtle. Hmm?”

“Subtle? Not a fucking bit.”

Dad needed serious work on his poker face. Chase’s jaw tightened and the amusement in his eyes was gone. “Look. Not that I’m complaining. You’ve been on eggshells since you got served those fucking papers, and I don’t care what you say, I know it wasn’t all about this trial. You could handle this in your sleep.” He nodded toward the courthouse doors. “You said it yourself, it’s part of the job you’ve done plenty of times before. Fuck, you watched a patient almost bleed out on my table and you held your shit together like a pro. Then your dad lets the cat out of the bag that your ex is out of town, and all of a sudden, it’s like he took a ten-ton brick off your back.” Chase’s voice deepened. “Something I need to worry about, Blue?”

The color drained from my face. How was I supposed to answer that? I pursed my lips, but no words came out. It was like someone sucked away the air I needed to make sound.

“Are you still in love with him?” His words sounded worse than nails on a chalkboard and I found my stolen air.

“Oh hell no. Absolutely not. Love him?” I spat, literally spat. “Chase, I’m so sorry if I gave you that impression. God no. I ... I don’t think I
ever
loved him. I don’t know what I felt, but it wasn’t love.” I smoothed my hair, trying to find the right words. “I’m embarrassed that I even stayed with him as long as I did. I was young and didn’t really know ... I didn’t have anything to compare it to ... in love with him? He was the biggest mistake of my life. So to answer your question ... no. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. That’s truth.”

I was still in a state of shock that the possibility even crossed his mind. He grabbed my hands, demanding my attention.

“Look at me, baby.” The tension released from his grip once my eyes lifted, connecting with his. My eyes were his peaceful place. His worry vanished on contact.

“Chase, I...”

“Shh. Say no more.” He cut me off. “As far as I’m concerned, you don’t have to say another word about him. He was a fucking moron to never take care of someone as special as you. And if just knowing you’re not going to run into him makes it easier for you to be here, then I’m happy for you. Shit. I’m fucking thrilled he’s not here. The thought of coming face to face with someone who has seen you naked pisses me off anyway. I don’t care how long ago it was. Call me selfish.” He lifted my hand and brushed kisses along my knuckles.

“Bossy ... possessive ... insanely sexy, maybe, but I would never say selfish. You’re the furthest thing from it, Chase Colton.” I swallowed past a small lump of emotion. “Thank you for everything, for coming with me and making this trip bearable, hell, even enjoyable. This place holds a lot of painful memories for me, but you need to know that seeing my dad today didn’t lift that brick off my back. You did that for me. A part of me has been asleep since I left here, and you’re the one who woke me up that first night we spent together ... so bossy and possessive, yes ... but selfish, definitely not.” My mind swirled with every fear and emotion I had suppressed the past few years. I wanted to say more, say everything, but I couldn’t figure out where to begin.

Chase’s smile reached his eyes when he cupped my cheeks between his hands. “What happened to insanely sexy?” he whispered before he crushed his soft lips to mine.

We kissed for what felt like forever outside the courthouse. I started to get dizzy then I remembered we were in public and separated us by an inch or two and smiled. My heart pounded against my chest, my breath labored.

“Yes, and insanely sexy.” I beamed and looked deep into his eyes, realizing
this
was real.
He
was real. And I trusted him with my heart.

C
hase was comfortably seated in the visitor section when I followed closely behind the prosecutor to my seat near the front of the courtroom. The stuffy room was filled with nosey spectators all waiting to spread the latest gossip. It made me sick. My eyes drifted toward the defense table, wanting to place the defendant’s name with a face. The Wayne family name held a prominent place in our small town. They owned plenty of real estate, including the TJ Maxx strip mall in the center of town. Wealthy for northern Pennsylvania, the Wayne family was large and had no problem breeding their fair share of black sheep. The defendant was one of them.

I sucked in a sharp breath; it burned like swallowing acid. It wasn’t Roy Wayne that I recognized. Instead, the tightly cut dark hair and trim goatee was unmistakable. I sat across the table from the defense attorney at one too many family barbeques. My stomach churned and a rush of queasiness filled my gut. Derek Reed, selfish fuck-face’s cousin, was a dirty cutthroat lawyer who constantly plotted his next victory, regardless of who he took down on his way. I wasn’t sure if that made him really good at his job or just a ruthless ass. My head snapped forward as I tried to control my frenzied breath. Squeezing my eyes closed in disbelief, I cursed the coffee I drank this morning. Yet again. But what stung the most was that the pompous ass knew me. The old me. I wanted to search out Chase, but I knew he would read my panic. Instead, I kept my head low, fidgeted with my un-manicured nails and reminded myself why I was here. To confirm and validate my recommendations from a few years ago. That was it. It was all about Tommy Wayne, a defenseless little boy, who needed me to be his voice. No more.

After two other crisis center employees gave brief testimonies, the prosecutor mouthed that I was next. The judge swore me in, and I finally let my eyes wander in Chase’s direction. He parted his lips into the half smile he reserved for me. Arms folded across his chest, he was so beautiful as he sat there to support me.

I bowed my head ever so slightly and focused my attention back to the prosecutor, who diligently and efficiently went through her list of questions. I provided the appropriate yes or no responses and when we found our rhythm, I started to relax. I worked with her in the past and appreciated her seamless professionalism. No surprises, no trip ups, just the facts stated clearly and concisely with no room for interpretation. The cross examination, on the other hand, I dreaded.

Attorney Reed stood, his chair screeching against the hardwood floor, and abruptly walked toward the stand. He stopped at what felt like inches from my face. My body flinched back slightly, trying to escape his confrontation.

“Ms. Porter, good morning.” His snide expression irritated the hell out of me. He even angled his face enough to be hidden from the judge’s view. The only comparison to the uneasiness festering deep in my gut was to drinking spoiled milk. “Please state your full name and job title when employed by the crisis center.”

“Lili Marie Porter. Associate Director of Social Work at the Wrangel Children’s Crisis Center.”

“Are you still currently employed as a social worker?” Derek paced back and forth in front of the judge’s podium.

Yes or no answers,
I silently chanted. “No.”

“Why’s that? No, let me rephrase. What is the title and location of your current employment?”

“I am a case manager at Philadelphia Hospital.”

“Did you end your job at the Crisis Center and immediately begin your job at the hospital?”

“No.”

“Was your leave of absence from the workforce to pursue higher education?”

“Yes ... um, no.” What the hell was he trying to prove? My pulse accelerated as sweat beaded beneath the long hair at the nape of my neck.

“Objection, badgering the witness. What is the relevance of this line of questioning?”

I used the prosecution’s interruption to shift in my seat and re-crossed my legs that were now stuck to the uncomfortable leather.

“Credibility of the witness, Your Honor.”

Shit. Un-
fucking
-believable. No pun intended.

“Proceed carefully, Attorney Reed.”

I peeked up at the judge who just gave this jackass the right-of-way to travel down this road.

“Care to clarify your last response, Ms. Porter?”

“Can you repeat the question?” My last line of defense was just relinquished, and I was staring at my empty net. This bastard was about to score.

“Again, was your leave of absence from the workforce to pursue higher education?” He stopped directly in front of me.

“No.”
But you already know that
.

“How long were you unemployed?”

“Four months.”

“Very well. We’ll get back to that. So, Ms. Porter, I would like to clarify a timeline. You filed your official report with Child Services, accusing my client Mr. Wayne on May 8th, three and a half years ago, and human resources at Wrangel Children’s Crisis Center has your last day as May 15th. Is it fair to say the Wayne’s family case was one of the last you worked on before your abrupt leave of absence?”

Gritting my teeth, I responded, “Yes.”

“Ms. Porter, have you ever falsely accused anyone of a crime before?”

No. This was not happening. Acid burned the back of my throat. Not caring if it was the last answered request of my life, I prayed for a fast-forward. A skip. Anything.

The walls started closing in, and the argument bouncing back and forth sounded more like a noisy snow of television static than “Objection” and “Withdrawn.”

I finally snapped out of my haze, unsure how many times Derek Reed had repeated my name in an attempt to regain my attention. The slimy piece of shit snaked his hands into his way too fitted pants pockets and focused at the jury when he asked, “Ms. Porter, who is Dan Reed?”

“Objection? Relevance?” This time, the prosecutor stood, slamming her hands on the top of the desk.

“Requesting some leeway, Your Honor, goes to credibility of the witness.” Derek shrugged and raised his hands to his sides in a
what-did-I-do
stance.
Bastard.

“Overruled. Answer the question, Ms. Porter.”

Every fiber of my being wanted to scream
selfish fuck-face
, but I needed this to be over. Now. Answering his questions was my only ticket off this stand. “He is my ex-boyfriend.” I refused to utter his name.

“Is it or is it not true that Dan Reed very publicly announced the end of your relationship in a bar in town, approximately one month prior to your aforementioned abrupt leave of absence?”

“Yes.”

“Ms. Porter, did you ever accuse ... excuse me, my error. Did you ever
file
criminal charges against said ex-boyfriend?”

There was no
error
; he knew exactly what he was doing.

“Yes.” The hair on my arms and legs prickled, while my blood boiled. Swallowing was no longer a possibility; the golf ball size lump in my throat was responsible. And if I clenched my fists any tighter, I was going to draw blood.

“And what were those charges?”

I saw nothing but red, but my voice was steady. “Rape.”

The silence in the courtroom was deafening. I sensed the anger radiating from Chase. I didn’t look at him though. I couldn’t. I held my head high and my gaze straight ahead.

“Ms. Porter, am I correct that there was approximately a two-week lag between the alleged event and when you filed charges?”

“Yes.”

“And did you have a doctor’s appointment the day you brought the charges of this alleged rape?”

This fucker was going to make me say it. My eyes pleaded with the prosecutor to make him stop.

“Objection, this line of questioning is completely irrelevant.”

“I’m almost done, Your Honor. It helps establish a timeline, and Ms. Porter’s frame of mind at the time she filed a formal complaint accusing my client of child abuse. Being that she was the only person to ever question my client’s character, I believe it is completely relevant.”

“Overruled. Make your point quickly, Attorney Reed.” They both looked at me, waiting for a response.

Afraid of passing out, I concentrated on slowing my shallow pants before I answered. Over my dead body would he get the satisfaction of seeing me weak. “Yes.”

“What was your reason for that doctor’s visit, Ms. Porter?” Derek faced the jury, going in for the kill, officially becoming selfish fuck-face the second.

“Isn’t that personal?” I wanted to smack him across the face. My nails dug harder into my white-knuckled fists.

“Not if it’s relevant to your credibility, Ms. Porter, I’m sorry. Please answer the question.” The judge looked almost apologetic when he addressed me.

“I … I was pregnant.” You could have heard a pin drop. I took a punch to the gut. Direct hit. Any control I had on breathing was deserted. Ragged and labored, my mouth was as dry as cotton. I had no choice. I turned to where Chase was sitting. I needed to see him.

Bent over with his elbows on his knees and his fists clenched over his mouth, all I saw were his eyes. The fury was frightening. Intensity on fire. His eyes rhythmically jerked between selfish fuck-face number two and me. His arms and legs looked so tight, like he might explode out of the small chair at any moment. How had I let this happen? I could usually read his crystal gaze like a novel, but in that moment, I was left searching. Was he angry with me, livid that I never told him? His earlier question haunted me.
Something I need to worry about, Blue?
Shit, I should have just told him, why, why didn’t I?

“So let me get this right, the day you discovered you were pregnant, you decided to bring forth charges and accuse your ex of rape. Did you make any other monumental decisions that day?”

I was not going to be his victim. Derek knew everything. The truth. And his intentions were crystal clear. These questions were far from over. I inhaled deeply and directly faced his cold stare, but the coward’s eyes quickly darted away. “Yes. I called Boston University and deferred my acceptance to the master’s program.”

“Deferred? But you never did actually attend the program. Is that correct?”

“Yes. You’re correct. I was able to defer, but I wound up losing my scholarship. So no, I never attended.”

“Fine. Let’s continue.” Blood started to drip from my right palm, so I wiped the evidence of my fury on my new designer dark linen dress. A freeze-frame of our perfect NYC weekend flashed in my mind, adding fuel to my fire. The ugliness of my past still had the power to stain. “Ms. Porter, did you drop said rape charges two weeks later?”

“Yes.”

“Ms. Porter, I hate to ask a
personal
question again, but were you treated at Wrangel Community Medical center the day prior to dropping all charges?” His smugness was infuriating.

Please, Please. This needed to end. From across the room, I felt Chase’s heat, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him again. What was he thinking? Why hadn’t I just told him everything? I physically felt the rage that clouded his beautiful eyes moments ago running through my body. My knees shook involuntarily. It took every ounce of strength to keep the tears pooling beneath my contacts from falling. I would not give that son of a bitch lawyer the satisfaction.

“Yes.” The dam broke. Years of denial were over. “And I’m sure you want to know why. So let me save us all some time.” Screw hiding my anger.

The judge turned back to me. “Ms. Porter, please keep your answers to yes or no responses.”

“Objection, Judge, this line of questioning has gone on long enough. I do believe Attorney Reed has established a sufficient timeline.”

The drumming pulse in my ears grew louder. I ignored her objection. “No, it’s fine.” Screw yes and no responses. This was
not
ending on his terms. “I went to the hospital that morning because I was hemorrhaging. I had a miscarriage, to be exact. I lost so much blood I needed emergency surgery and two blood transfusions. I was discharged later that night. And yes, I did call the district attorney’s office the next morning and drop the charges. Is that a detailed enough timeline for you?”
You self-righteous son of a bitch.

My body trembled head to toe, but I tightened muscles I never knew I had to hide it. The sounds coming from the
audience
were pure shock. I couldn’t look up; I couldn’t look at him, not yet. I was afraid to see disappointment. That was worse than anger, fury and rage, combined. Disappointment meant you failed someone. My chest pounded, creating an ache so deep and raw. It wasn’t fair how easily pieces of your private life were stolen, used against you and left to be scrutinized. The heat from my boiling blood settled in my cheeks, maybe from embarrassment, but mostly from pure exasperation.

“So to summarize our timeline, Ms. Porter, your boyfriend publicly broke up with you, two weeks later you found out you were pregnant, filed charges of alleged rape and deferred your plans of higher education, losing the scholarship you obviously needed.” His lips hardened while he watched and waited for the jury’s reaction. “Two weeks later you suffered a traumatic miscarriage, then proceeded to drop all charges the very next day.” That spineless fucker looked at everyone in the courtroom but me. “And during all this personal drama, you were able to remain diligently focused at work. So much so, you filed formal grievances against my client as an unfit father.” The asshole actually smiled, he fucking smiled. “No further questions, Your Honor. The witness is excused.”

The witness is excused.
Just like that. It was over. Derek Reed may as well have said the
defendant
is excused. And not Roy Wayne, either. So this was a taste of why I turned my life upside down three years ago. Then, at least, I would have been prepared. But today, I was defenseless. Selfish fuck-face was not even in a sixty-mile radius, and he managed to bitch slap me one last time.

Taking a deep breath I composed myself as best I could, straightened my now blood stained dress and walked straight out. Eyes forward and chin up. All my resolve crumbled the second the warm August air hit my face. Tears just flowed. I tried wiping them away, but it was useless. I cried until the well ran dry.

I couldn’t tell you how long I sat on the bench across from the courthouse. Could have been five minutes, could have been an hour. The entire sick replay looped in my mind, always freezing on the same frame. The unreadable look on Chase’s face. I pressed my forehead against my palm and tried to massage the dull throb beneath my temples. With my eyes closed I sensed the tall shadow, then felt his presence sit down beside me. His arm brushed my side. The tension and anger radiating from his body was tangible. He removed my hand from my forehead and laced his fingers with mine. His strong bounding pulse clearly indicated the level of his agitation. I attempted swallowing, knowing I had to say something. To explain. But all I wanted was to feel his arms around me and for him to tell me everything was going to be okay. I didn’t move a muscle. I sat so still just waiting.