Beautiful Perfection (Beautifully Unbroken Book 2) (26 page)

Sam nodded sympathetically as I finished, I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders by letting out the truth.

“Everything that you have just said to me Blake, you need to say to Jo. She thinks that she is going to lose you; she is petrified because she has never seen you like this before, she told me about how closed off she was when you met her, she told me how much she feared being happy because it always coincided with pain. She sat here today Blake when we should have been discussing the pregnancy and your babies and she poured her heart out to me because she is so scared of the fact that this time around, it is you that is breaking into a million pieces and she doesn’t know what she is supposed to do to help you because you just won’t let her in. I understand that everything has been building over a course of time, you and Jo have had a lot of pressure placed upon you recently, but you need to share your feelings Blake, because if you don’t, then no one can help you and that is what you need, you need Jo to help you through this.” I nodded knowing that she was right.

“I feel like I have failed her. I have always been the one that Jo has relied on; I made her a promise that I would always fix her because I truly believed that I could fix anything that was broken but now? Now I don’t even know how to fix myself.”

“Go home, go back to your wife and tell her how you are feeling, you need each other Blake, don’t go through this by yourself, you don’t need to do any of this by yourself. You haven’t failed anyone, but by keeping this inside of you? You are going to fail yourself.”

I exhaled a deep breath. “Wow, I can’t believe I just told you all of that.”

“Do you feel better for it?”

“A little, yes.” I admitted.

Sam smiled and stood from her chair. “You will feel even more relieved when you speak to Jo,” She smiled.

“Was her appointment okay?”

“I am sure that Jo will want to share the good news with you about the appointment herself.”

“Good news? That’s something I haven’t been familiar with for a while.” I stood from my seat and headed for the door. “I’m sorry again that I just barged into your office, thank you for listening to me.”

Sam nodded as she smiled, “no problem at all, and Blake? Be strong for your mother on Friday won’t you?”

“I will,” I agreed as I stepped out of the office and headed back to the car, I needed to get home and speak to Jo and hope that she would forgive me for missing the appointment as well as shutting her out.

I could hear Jo’s soft voice filtering through the apartment when I entered. She was alone and from what I could hear she was talking to the babies which she did a lot lately. I followed her voice which led me into our bedroom where she was busying herself by placing the babies’ bedding into each crib with care.

“Hi,” I said as I stood in the doorway. Jo’s body visibly tensed as she stopped what she was doing but didn’t turn to face me.

“Can we talk?”

“I’m doing something.” She replied quietly as she began fiddling once again with a blanket, her body stiffened further.

“Jo, please turn around and look at me.” Jo continued to make the cribs up and remained silent until she had placed all of the bedding neatly into the cribs.

“What do you want to talk about Blake? The fact that you missed our appointment? Or the fact that I don’t even know who you are anymore?”

“Both,” I replied honestly.

Jo turned slowly to face me, I could see that she had been crying at some point, her eyes were now dry but the signs were visible. I took a few steps towards her, she had needed me and I hadn’t been here for her.

“Don’t,” she said firmly. “I don’t even know who you are any more Blake so I don’t want you coming over here and holding me like you care when you clearly don’t,” she snapped.

“Jo it isn’t like that,” I said gently.

“What has happened to us Blake? How did we end up like this when only a couple of weeks ago we were so happy and so close? I can’t stand the fact that we have become so distant at a time that we should be so close to each other, you have shut me out of your life Blake, we can’t continue this way; I can’t continue this way, and as much as I love you Blake, I can’t help think that we would be better off spending some time apart.” Jo’s voice hitched as she finished her sentence.

“You agreed that we would always deal with things together, you told me to always let out my feelings but you Blake, you are just keeping your feelings away from me which in turn is pushing me further and further away from you.”

“Jo, I am so sorry; for everything. I am sorry that I have shut you out, I am sorry that I don’t talk to you as much as I should anymore, I am so, so sorry that I missed our appointment. I am sorry for everything, please Jo, let me talk to you.”

“Do you know what Blake? I don’t want to hear it anymore,” she sighed. “I get it okay? Your mum has cancer and you are scared that she is going to die but guess what Blake? She needs you, she needs you now more than ever but instead of being there for her like you should have been you have closed yourself off, you have shut us out, every single one of us but most of all you have shut out your poor mum, she is the one suffering here Blake, not you. The only person that you care about right now Blake is yourself.”

“That’s not true,” I replied sadly. “God Jo that is so far from the truth that you don’t even understand.” My voice became shaky as the emotion that I had been holding onto for the past couple of weeks was slowly pushing its way to the surface.

“Then tell me then!” Jo yelled loudly before turning briefly to the cribs as though the babies were in there. “For Christ’s sake Blake please just tell me, I am your wife. We made a promise to each other on our wedding day to love each other always; for better for worse, richer or poorer.” She looked up at me once more, “in sickness and in health. So please Blake, let me in, because I am about this close to packing my bags and leaving you. We didn’t even sleep in the same bed as each other last night! How the hell do you think that makes me feel when you didn’t even come to bed with me!” She inhaled a shaky breath before calming her voice once more. “You are not the Blake that I married, you are not the Blake that I fell in love with, I don’t even recognize you anymore, I want my Blake back, I need you back Blake, please.”

“I am trying to protect you Jo,” I said trying to remain calm.

“Protect me from what Blake? Please tell me because I have absolutely no idea what or who it is that I need protecting from!”

“Me!” I yelled; finally ready to let my emotions take over. “That is what I am trying to protect you from Jo; I am trying to protect you from me because I am losing control! Damn it Jo, I have already lost control! The two people who I love more than anything are both suffering and it is out of my control, it is out of my control and it is killing me that I have no way of controlling the outcome. I am the fixer Jo; I am the person who always knows what to do to make things better, but now? Now I don’t have a clue what I am going to do to help anyone, I want to help both of you, I want to take away any problems, any risks and any danger that both you and my mother face but the fact that I can’t? I hate myself so much because I have let you both down! The whole thing has been building over time and I now realize that everything bad that has happened has all been my fault and the way that I am going to be punished is by having you and my mother taken away from me, don’t you see that?”

“Blake,” Jo said as her tears began to fall faster and harder.

“If I had stayed away from Sara that night when I ended up sleeping with her, then you would never have suffered at the hands of her, you wouldn’t have been hurt or almost killed because of her. Everything that Sara did to you? That was all entirely my fault.”

“No,” Jo said sadly, shaking her head.

“Then there was Cooper, I wasn’t even man enough to kill him when he almost raped you, I should have killed him, any other man would have killed him for what he did!”

“He ran Blake! He ran and you did what you had to do, you saved my life while he ran, you helped me and if you had killed him you would have been in prison now, do you think that would have made me happy? Having the man that I love in prison? No, it wouldn’t have made me happy and it wouldn’t have made anyone’s life any better, you are not to blame for any of this!”

“I never told you that Theo called you when we were in London, he called you to tell you everything that he told us the night that we came back to New York. I didn’t know at the time that that was the reason for the calls but because I had given them specific instructions not to call you I blocked the number and didn’t tell you. He was calling to tell you about the new evidence and Sara changing her plea and I kept it from you, because at the time I didn’t want anything or anyone upsetting you when you were so happy.

I should have at least spoken to him, but I didn’t, if I had spoken to him then we could have stayed where we were, we could have stayed in London, you wouldn’t have suffered high blood pressure and our lives could have continued to be happy. My God I finally thought that we had made it, I finally thought that we were through all of the shit that we were going to be facing, but as usual I fucked it all up, I fucked up the happiness that we had worked so God damned hard to build. I ruined all of that Jo, me! I should have told you that Theo called but I made the decision not to and it was the wrong decision! Look at me, I am not the man that you think I am, I am a coward and I am a failure and I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve anything! I am a coward Jo because I am too damn scared to speak to my mom in case I break.” Finally I had let go of everything that had been building inside of me over time, my body shook with sadness that I had just stood in front of my wife and told her what she needed to know, I had failed her, I was failing my mother and I had failed myself. As the tears began to fall angrily my knees weakened and my body fell to the floor as I cried like I had never cried before. Jo’s arms were around me instantly as she cried with me. She cradled me in her arms gently rocking forward and back promising me over and over again that everything was going to be okay, that she loved me and was going to help me. The once broken woman who I had fixed was now going to fix me. I held onto her tight, she was my lifeline, the one who would now help me, and as much I hated needing to rely on anyone, I needed everything that Jo was now offering to give to me.

Jo

Blake had clung to me as though his life had depended on it. Finally he had released the emotion that had built inside of him since finding out about Julia’s cancer, but it had run deeper than that; Blake had blamed himself for virtually everything that had gone wrong in our relationship, even going as far back to the night that he had slept with Sara while I was flying back to London to be with my parents, he had convinced himself that if he had never ended up in bed with her, then the events that had followed would never have occurred. He had felt like a delicate piece of glass that was about to shatter at any moment as he shook in my arms, the tears had continued to fall deep into the night and I had felt helpless but knowing that just being there and holding him was helping him to overcome his emotions, I knew that I didn’t need words or actions to get him through this.

He had finally fallen asleep a couple of hours after we had climbed into bed where we continued to hold each other tight. I had never seen or even imagined Blake to crumble like he had; I had known that he was hiding his feelings but I never realized just how deep those emotions were running until I had pushed at him enough that he had broken down in front of me.

I had eventually climbed out of bed once I knew that Blake was settled and called the one person other than Blake who I needed right now, my mum.

“Jo? What is it? Is it the babies? It’s the middle of the night in New York are you okay?”

“Hi Mum, everything’s fine I just needed to hear your voice.” I felt my voice begin to crack, as mum’s voice felt so comforting; I would give anything to have her here with me now.

“Did Blake finally let it all out?” mum asked with concern. I had confided in mum every time we had talked since Julia’s diagnosis, she knew that Blake would crack eventually and had told me just to make sure that I was there for him to let it all out to when he was ready.

I nodded even though I knew that mum couldn’t see me. “Yes Mum, it was awful, I didn’t know what to do.”

“Did you hold him? Did you comfort him like I told you to?” I nodded again.

“He blames himself entirely for everything Mum, everything that has happened he thinks it is solely his fault, he can’t see any of the good that he does, and he only sees the bad. I shouted at him Mum, I told him that I was going to leave because I couldn’t take it any longer; I couldn’t stand being shut out for one minute more so I yelled so hard at him and he just cracked.” I struggled to hold my emotion in any longer as the tears began to fall faster. “He is petrified that he is going to lose his mum, he hates that he doesn’t know how to help her and me too, tell me what to do Mum, I need to help him I just don’t know what to do.”

“Oh darling, don’t cry, please don’t cry when I am not there to hold you.”

“I miss you so much Mum, I wish you were here.”

“Me too darling but you will get through this, you both will, the worst part is over now, Blake has opened up, he has let you in so now you just have to look after each other, love each other as much as you can and I promise you that everything will be okay.”

“What if I lose him Mum? I said some really horrible things to him and I didn’t mean any of it, I love him so much and I was so horrible to him, what if he leaves me?”

I heard mum laugh softly into the phone. “That is never going to happen darling, you know how much he loves you, he was just trying to protect you from seeing him like that.”

“That’s what he said too.”

“Where is he now?”

“He’s asleep.” I wiped my eyes and sucked in a deep breath.

“Then you go and get into that bed next to him and you hold onto him tight. I can’t promise you that everything will be better by the morning darling, but things will get better, very soon, you will see, once Julia has her operation he is going to feel so relieved.”