Beautiful Innocence (16 page)

“Jesus, fuck, are you okay?”

I’m so caught off guard that I look around confused for a second and then realize I dozed off in the tub. Someone clears his throat. “Everything okay in there?”

“Yeah, Dane, she’s fine,” Josh’s voice is curt. He kicks the door closed.

“I’m sorry. I fell asleep, I guess.”

“You scared the shit out of me. I’ve been calling and calling your cell. Johnny said you went into the bathroom at two, babe, and it’s after three. We thought you slipped out or someone came through the window. You need to remember there’s no camera in here. We couldn’t see you.”

He hands me a towel that I take from his hands and wrap around my very pruned body. His nose scrunches up. “What’s all over your face?”

I growl. “Shoot, I forgot.” I rush to the sink and wipe off the dry and crusty egg off with a wet washcloth and splash my face.

“I’m sorry I scared you.”

“It’s okay, as long as you’re safe.” He slips his arms around me and presses little kisses on my shoulder and then his mouth moves gently up to my neck.

“Get dressed. The girls are waiting to celebrate my birthday. We do it every year. Well, ever since they could color, anyway. They draw me a huge picture that takes up an entire wall.”

I smile at him. “Give me ten minutes.”

He smacks my backside. “Take your time.”

We’re all gathered around a big farmhouse table. The most beautiful homemade cake with Josh’s name holds the place of honor. Twenty-nine candles are scattered in the chocolate frosting all lit. Both girls are sitting on his lap, one on each knee, clapping and telling him to make a wish. He spares me a quick glance and winks before he shuts his eyes and blows them all out in one big breath.

“What did you wish for, Uncle Joshie?”

“It won’t come true if I tell you that, Lily. You know how it works.”

Annabelle then turns her sweet face to me. “Are you going to marry my Uncle? If you do, can I be a flower girl? I want to wear a pretty pink dress if you do.”

Josh clears his throat. The snickering around the room makes me blush. “You already have plenty of pink dresses, Annabelle. And Miss Ava and I only just met.”

She pouts. “But we like her.”

I’m too afraid to look at him, so I focus on the perfect, non-burned cake. “Yeah, I like her, too,” he adds before gently squeezing my knee under the table.

An hour later everyone is saying good-bye as Josh practically tosses me inside his truck. As soon as he gets in I grab that dirty ball cap off his head and pull it down over my forehead. I roll down the window as he cranks on the engine and the radio comes alive. One of my recently favorite songs comes on. I never listened to country music before, but since that’s what he listens to, I fell in love instantly. I wave my hands from side to side over my head and belt out the lyrics to my favorite Brantley Gilbert song. Instead of stealing his hat back like he usually does, he just takes his eyes off the road and watches me every few seconds. “You look so good in that thing, it ain’t right.”

“Well, baby, maybe that’s all I’ll wear to bed tonight.” And when I calls him baby for the first time, the look in his eyes tells me everything is going to be all right.

JOSH

I am running on one mode. High! I haven’t felt this good in I don’t know how long, and I have no desire to come down from it. Before, I’d go to work, do my thing, work out, maybe hit up a bar, pick up a random chick, but now the only thing I want to do is run home and sink inside of my girl. Nothing else matters anymore. I’ll love her through this life if she lets me. And that realization smacks me hard in the face, gut, and heart that I’m admitting it.

“Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” Johnny walks in with a file with Ava’s name on it. My heart drops.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“I did some more digging and you’re not going to like it.”

“What is it?”

“Turns out this Roger dude has a brother, but they’re only half, so they have different last names. That’s why we missed it before.”

“And…”

“This dude is a fucking cop in Annapolis, man. My guess is he’s been feeding Roger everything we’ve called in about.”

“Which means we’ve been leading him straight to Ava,” I huff, unable to catch my breath.

“I made a few copies of some stuff. I pulled up everything I could on her mama, some basics. Marriage certificate to one Christopher Barry, no divorce record on file, her birth certificate and Ava’s, shit like that. The day she disappeared she never showed for work. Apparently she had never missed a day before that. A couple of employee of the month notes, but that’s it. If that picture of that dead woman is her, it wouldn’t surprise me. Still nothing on the Cahill kid.”

I glance down and rifle through his files and stop to look at the one paper that catches my attention. My hand freezes momentarily, but I rifle quickly through the rest. “Are you sure this is right?”

He peeks over my shoulder. “Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

“It’s nothing. Never mind.”

“What should we do about the Cahill kid?”

I shake my head, still trying to digest the fact that she lied to me. “I don’t know yet. Let me think on it and talk to my brothers.”

“Okay.” He leaves and I’m sitting in my chair with proof in my hand that the last few months have been nothing but lies. And I have so many feelings slamming into my chest, that I can’t figure out which one is more prominent.

By the time I get home I’m furious, and I feel stupid that I let her play me. This is why I don’t do love. Sitting outside my place inside my truck, I force myself to calm down before I confront her. I take several long, deep, ragged breaths before I get the courage up to do what needs to be done.

She looks up and her face breaks out into a gut-wrenching smile. “Hey, you’re home early. I was just putting something together for dinner. Are you hungry?”

I brace my hands on the counter and take a deep breath. “When were you gonna tell me?”

She looks up, but then peers down to the food. “Tell you what?”

“Oh, I don’t know—that your real birthday is in two weeks. That you not only lied to me about the date, but the fact that you’re only fucking nineteen, Ava. Ninefuckinteen,” I roar, furious with her.

“Who told you?” she asks in a solemn, but neutral tone.

I can’t help but laugh and tip my head back to rein it in and calm down. “Johnny has been doing some research into your case for me. I had him look into your mama and guess what came up?”

“My birthdate.”

“Bingo.” I slam my hand down on the table with a copy of her birth certificate.

“Josh,” she cries, reaching her hand out, but I back up. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d be with me that night if you knew my real age, so I lied. I should’ve come clean. I was going to.”

“Well, you’re right about that.” I shake my head, laughing so I don’t let myself break down in front of her. “I kept chalking everything up to your lack of experience, but really it’s because you are inexperienced, because you are indeed a child.”

“I’m not a child. I’ll be twenty in a couple of weeks. That is hardly some kid,” she sneers back at me.

When she takes the steps necessary to stand in front of me I need all my will power to hold back from wrapping my arms around her, refusing to allow her to break me. I glare into her eyes. “Keeping that shit to yourself and letting me take that leap of faith and fall for you, when you know how hard that was for me, makes you a child.”

Her eyes are watering as she looks up to me. I take a few steps back to avoid comforting her like I always want to. She cocks her head to the side and opens her mouth, but closes it. A minute later she steps to me. “You’ve fallen for me?”

“Knock it off, Ava. I don’t play games. You know how I feel or, felt for you. I may not have ever said it, but I’m pretty sure I fucking showed you time and time again. It doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to figure it out.”

She continues to cry, and it’s breaking my heart watching her, but I’m hurt and confused and feel like shit right now. “Look around, Ava. I’m so inexperienced when it comes to this domestic shit, but I did it for you--to keep you safe and because I wanted you with me all the time, and you just threw it away like it was nothing.”

When she reaches up and runs her hand down my face I let her, because I need to feel that love she projects one last time.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, I heard you the first time. How can I trust you?”

She cups my face as tears run down hers. “Because I love you.”

I shake my head, hoping it will shake those words right out with it. “Not good enough.” I pause and look away, because those eyes with tears filling them are enough to send even the toughest man straight to his knees. “I’m going out. Don’t wait up.”

After all these weeks waiting for her to say it, she finally does, but it barely means anything to me now, since women throw that word around when it’s convenient or when they’re backed into a corner. I refuse to be in that fucking corner again. And here I thought I’d struck gold finding her and letting her in my life, when the whole time she kept a huge fucking secret from me. I can pretty much get past anything, but now I’m not so sure.

I want to head to Shooters and tie one on, but my truck automatically steers me to the farm.

Dane is out in the stables, mucking stalls when I pull up. “Hey, bro, you here for dinner?”

“I’m here to get drunk, and then I’ll need you to drive my sorry ass home.”

He rests the pitchfork against the barn. “What’s going on?

“This.” I hold out a piece of paper and open the fresh bottle of Jack I bought on the way over.

“Ouch! And she never told you?”

I hold up the bottle for him to see. “What do you think?”

“All right, so she’s a little younger than you thought. It’s not the end of the world.”

“Dane, I fucked a nineteen year old virgin in the back of a Piggly Wiggly. Do you have any idea how I feel about that?”

“It wouldn’t have bothered you a few years ago.”

I glare at the SOB. He’s right about that, but I’ve never loved any one of those girls.

“What did she say?”

“Nothing. She just apologized. I feel so betrayed right now. I mean after everything I’ve done or am doing for her. I guess I’m a little blown away that she didn’t come to me with the truth.” I take a long leisurely swig.

“Man, she has had a shit life so far, give her a break.”

“You don’t think I want to? Fuck, I love her, Dane, but she lied to me. I hate liars, and most of all I hate the fact that it took me discovering the truth for her to tell me how she feels. She might have never told me if I hadn’t confronted her.” I hit the bottle again. “My mind is all over the place right now, I can’t even think straight.”

“What about the other organ? How’s that feeling?”

“Broken. Shredded. Ripped. Torn. What other adjective do you want?”

“We all see the way you look at her, man. We know you’ve fallin’ for her. You just got to decide if losing her is worth it. Not one of us has seen you like this with a girl since Mel, and even she can’t hold a damn candle to the way you are with Ava. Is she young? Yeah, she is, but the heart wants what the hearts wants. If you really love her, like I believe you do, just say to hell with it. Don’t let this one go. I know you think you’re saving her from her past, but maybe she’s saving your future. Think about it.”

“Thanks for making me feel like utter and complete shit.”

He sighs and grabs the bottle from me, nudging my shoulder with his. “That’s what brothers are for, now give me some of that.”

Ashton drops me off sometime after one in the morning. Dane and I got hammered talking about the past, the present and the future. I slip inside as quiet as I can to my room, and take in her small figure as she sleeps in my bed. Our bed. I was hoping she’d sleep in the other room tonight. I kick off my boots and take a seat in the chair by the window, just watching my angel under the sheets until my heart and brain shut down. I’m feeling torn up inside, wondering if it’s worth fighting for. I tip toe over to my side of the bed and let her soft hair that I love sift through my fingers. “I’m sorry, Ava. But I can’t,” I whisper and then go take the bed in the other room.

AVA

Two full weeks of Josh avoiding me and me sleeping in the guest room is making me crazy. I have no idea what is going through his head, but I can tell he’s struggling. It’s like a slow torturous waiting game. He leaves early and comes home late. Even the nights I wait up watching television he just comes in, glares and then slams his bedroom door and locks it.

One night he came in and I heard the sound of his breathing outside my door. He thought I was asleep, so he came in and stood over me. I could smell the alcohol on his breath it was so strong. I really wanted him to climb in with me and hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay, but instead he touched my face and murmured, “fuck.” I turned and cried into my pillow as his feet stomped out of my room and into his.

He still keeps an eye on me, just like his brothers and Sam do when I’m at the bar or home alone. I should leave him be, but my heart is breaking. I’ve never been loved, or have loved a man, and now that I am so close to having it all I don’t want to lose it. I can’t lose him over this.

It’s my birthday and he knows it. I haven’t told a soul about our fighting, nor have I told a soul about my real age. I know Dane knows, because he approached me one night when he came into the bar on his typical Thursday night minus Josh and told me that my man would come around eventually. At first I believed him, but now I’m not sure I can believe in anything. It’s bad enough that I can’t find my mom. I lost her. I can’t imagine losing him, too. It’s just all too much for my heart to bear.

I have the night off, and it’s lame sitting around waiting for someone to come home who probably doesn’t want me here anymore. I’ve been sitting for hours waiting for something special to happen, like for him to walk through that door and pick me up and make sweet love to me, but he never shows. I pull down a bottle of Tequila from his stash in the cabinet above his fridge and pour a hefty drink. The smell burns my nose, and I feel like I’m going to puke before I even take the first sip. I tip the glass back and down the whole thing to make it painless. I pour one more drink and gulp that. I’ve barely had a lick of alcohol my entire life since seeing my mom fight with it made me want to avoid the problem she had. The buzz kicks in quickly. I call a cab that shows up twenty minutes later. Before leaving, I wave to the camera in the front foyer and walk out with a big smile. I refuse to believe he doesn’t want me anymore, so tonight I’ll let denial be my best friend.