Beau Jest (4 page)

BOB. Well, it was my pleasure.

SARAH. The pleasure was mine. And my parents (
Referrιng to the check
.) How do I make it out?

BOB The Heaven Sent Escort Agency. (
HE gets his coat and returns
) I don’t know how I’m going to fill out the report on this one. Can you get arrested for impersonating a Jew in this state?

SARAH (
Handing him the check
) Here.

BOB (
Looking at the check
) Oh, wait Thιs ιs too much.

SARAH I ιnsιst. You earned it. I just wish I could give you an Academy Award to go with it.

BOB. I don’t think there’s a category for this.

SARAH. (
Seriously
) You really saved my life tonιght.

BOB Glad to be of service. Well ...

SARAH. Well ...

BOB. Well, lιsten. If you ever know anybody who needs an escort ...

SARAH. You will be highly recommended.

BOB. Thanks. (
HE starts to go and stops
.) Oh, don’t forget Tomorrow afternoon. “La Boheme” with Pavarotti.

SARAH. Got ιt.

BOB. It was nιce meeting you.

SARAH. Very nice meeting you.

BOB. So, uh ... Goodnight.

SARAH. Goodnight. And thank you.

(
BOB exιts. SARAH closes the door and goes to clear the table. SHE laughs a little. SHE sιngs, “To lιfe, to lιfe, l’chaιm.” The DOORBELL rιngs SHE goes to the door and opens it CHRIS ιs there SHE looks at him
)

CHRIS Hι

SARAH. Hι

BLACKOUT

Scene 1

AT RISE SARAH and CHRIS are sιttιng on the couch CHRIS hands Sarah a present.

CHRIS. Happy anniversary.

SARAH. (
Takes ιt
.) Thank you. (
SHE puts it asιde
) You have to go now.

CHRIS. Would you, at least, open it please?

(
SARAN begιns to unwrap the gift
.)

CHRIS. You remember where we were one year ago tonight?

SARAH. Yes. We went to that horrible concert and then we went for seafood where you got sick from a bad clam.

CHRIS. It was the greatest night of my life. SARAH. (
Opens the gift and removes a small black object
) What is this?

CHRIS. It’s an automatic speed dialer. You can program ιt to hold up to eighty separate phone numbers. You just hold ιt up to your telephone, push a button, and it dials for you. I’ve already programmed the first number. You push number one and you get ... me.

SARAH. Thank you. I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything. I’ve been so busy. Getting ready for the seder.

CHRIS. All I would like for our anniversary is for us to be together.

SARAH. Chris, please, I’m under enough pressure.

CHRIS. You know what I wish?

SARAH. What?

CHRIS. You want to know what I wish?

SARAH. (
Stightly impatient
) What?

CHRIS. I wish we could run away together to some exotic, tropical island and live on coconuts and sea anemones.

SARAH. Just like that?

CHRIS. Just like that.

SARAH. Leave work?

CHRIS. Leave work.

SARAH. Leave the Kellogg’s account?

CHRIS. Okay, here’s another idea. Tell your parents about us. Say, “Parents, Chris and I love each other and we’re going to be together and if you don’t like it you can lump it.” Or something. I can get Bruce or somebody to help you with the copy.

SARAH. You’re pressuring me, Chris. Don’t pressure me.

(
The DOORBELL rings
.)

SARAH. You have to go now.

CHRIS. I really hate this.

SARAH. I’m sorry. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

CHRIS. Sure. My stand-in is here. Only I’m left out in the cold and my stand-in gets to do all the fun bits.

SARAH. This is
not fun!
(
SHE opens the door. BOB is there
.)

BOB. Hi.

SARAH. Hi. Come on in.

BOB. (
Enters and sees Chris
.) Chris, hi.

CHRIS. (
On his way out, to Sarah
.) Talk to you later.

SARAH. I’ll call you tomorrow.

CHRIS. Right. Good Yontif.

(
CHRIS exits. SARAH closes the door
.)

BOB. “Good Yontif.” What is that?

SARAH. It’s like “Happy Holidays.” You might want to drop it to my parents when they get here.

BOB. Uh, yeah. Sarah, listen. I’ve been thinking and ... I don’t think we should do this.

SARAH. What are you talking about?

BOB. We pulled it off once. I don’t think we can get away with it again.

SARAH. They’re going to be here in a minute.

BOB. I know. Look, couldn’t you tell them I had a medical emergency come up?

SARAH. I told them that
last
night. I told them you had emergency heart
and
brain surgery to do.

BOB. See, that’s what I’m talking about ...

SARAH. Bob, please ...

BOB. I don’t know how we can ...

SARAH. We can! We can. Please. You don’t know what I’ve been through the last two weeks. My mother talks about you like you’re a combination of Albert Schweitzer and Alan Alda.

BOB. Is Alan Alda Jewish?

SARAH. Part Jewish, I think. I don’t know. My mother likes him so, to her, he must be, at least, part Jewish.

BOB. I just hate to keep fooling them.

SARAH. I know. I know. Please. Just this one more time. You should’ve seen my mother last night. She was so heartbroken when I told her you couldn’t come to her seder. She set a place for you anyway. It was so pitiful. There was a cup of wine for the prophet Elijah and gefilte fish for you.

BOB. Well, I guess, at least, one of us should show up tonight.

SARAH. Thank you. Just this one more time, I promise. Did you get a chance to look at the Haggadah I sent you?

BOB. Yeah, kind of. I’m not real clear on the order of what happens when.

SARAH. Just watch me. Everything is announced before you do it anyway. (
SHE places the Seder Plate on the table
.)

BOB. This is the Seder Plate?

SARAH. Right.

BOB. There’s a space empty.

SARAH. That’s for the haroset.

BOB. Haroset. Symbolizing the mortar used by the Jews in buιlding the pyramids of the Pharoah.

SARAH. (
Impressed
.) You did your homework

BOB I’m a quick study. So where’s the haroset?

SARAH. My mother brings it. You eat it on a lιttle piece of matzah.

BOB. (
Excited
) Ooh! Lιke kugel?!

SARAH. No. But it’s sweet. You’ll like it.

BOB. And you really drιnk four whole glasses of wine?

SARAH. Depending on how closely my father decides to follow the script.

BOB. You guys must get really wasted.

SARAH. Well, it is one of our festive holιday. (
Wιth a straight face
) Don’t I look festive.

(
The DOORBELL rings
)

SARAH. You ready?

BOB. On with the show. I had my vocal coach go over a couple of the songs for me. I really like the one about the goat.

(
SARAN opens the door. MIRIAM, ABE and JOEL enter
)

SARAH. Hι.

ABE. For an hour, we looked for a parking space.

MIRIAM. (
Handing two parcels to Sarah
.) Here. Here’s the haroset. And put this on the stove.

SARAH. I’ll put it in the microwave.

MIRIAM. Don’t put it in the microwave!

(
SARAH takes the parcels to the kitchen
.)

MIRIAM. (
Seeing Bob
.) David!

BOB. Good Yontif!

MIRIAM. Good Yontif. So nice to see you.

BOB. Nice to see you. I was sorry I couldn’t make it last night.

MIRIAM. We missed you, too.

BOB. (
Extending his hand to Abe
.) Mr. Goldman.

ABE. (
Shaking Bob’s hand
.) How do you do?

BOB. (
To Joel
.) Joel.

JOEL. Hello.

(
THEY shake hands
.)

BOB. Nice to see you.

JOEL. How did the heart
and
brain surgery go?

BOB. Oh, well, that was really something. They brought this guy in ... There was a whole team of surgeons ... You ever watch “St. Elsewhere”?

JOEL. Yeah.

BOB. It was just like that.

SARAH. Everybody want to sit down? We’ll start?

BOB. I’ll tell you about it later.

(
EVERYBODY moves to the table. SARAH hands out Hagaddahs and kippahs for the men
.)

MIRIAM. Such a beautiful table. (
To Joel
.) Joel, you couldn’t bring the boys?

JOEL. I had them at your house last night. Barbara has them at her parents tonight.

MIRIAM. They make a seder?

JOEL. I don’t know.

MIRIAM. The boys should be at a seder tonight.

JOEL. I don’t know if they’re doing a seder.

MIRIAM. Call them and ask.

JOEL. I’m not going to call them.

MIRIAM. Joel.

JOEL. I just remembered. They’re doing a seder. All right?

MIRIAM. All right. (
To Bob
.) David, don’t you know any nice girls to go out with Joel?

JOEL. Mother ...

BOB. Well, let’s see ... For Joel, it would have to be somebody very special. I know one girl who’s single, but ... no. She’s ... meiskeit.

SARAH. (
Surprised
.) She’s what?

BOB. You know, Sweetheart. Homely. Meiskeit.

BOB. (
To Miriam
.) I’ll give it some thought.

JOEL. (
Sardonιcally
.) That’s all right.

MIRIAM. Abe, start.

ABE. Without the boys?

MIRIAM. So you’ll do a lιttle.

ABE. I’ll do a lιttle

(
EVERYONE opens the Haggadahs
)

ABE. Open the Haggadahs. Fιrst ... We do a Kiddush. (
Raisιng hιs wιne glass
.) Baruch Atoh Hashem Elokenu Melech Ha-Alom Boreh Pine Hagofen. Amen.

ALL. Amen.

(
EVERYONE drιnks. BOB watches closely and follows along ABE downs hιs drink and says, “Ah ” BOB does lιkewιse
)

ABE. (
Turnιng the page)
Next ... We do Karpas Give me the parsley. Everyone take some parsley.

(
ABE takes a sprig of parsley and dips ιt in the salt water, as do the OTHERS
)

ABE. Baruch Atoh Hashem Elokenu Melech Ha-Alom Boreh Pιrιe Ha-Adamah. Amen.

ALL. Amen

(
EVERYONE eats the parsley
.)

ABE. (
Turning the page
.) Next ... The Afikomen. Give me the matzah. (
HE takes a piece of matzah, breaks it apart, and wraps one half in a napkin
.)

MIRIAM. (
To Bob
.) David, will you and Sarah steal the Afikomen?

BOB. (
Not sure
.) Uh ... Maybe.

ABE. Next ... Give me the plate. (
HE picks up the matzah plate and reads
.) “This is the bread of affliction which our forefathers ate in the land of Egypt.” We open the door.

(
JOEL rises and opens the front door
.)

ABE. “Let all who are hungry enter and eat; let all who are needy come to our Passover feast.”

(
JOEL closes the door and returns to the table
.)

ABE. “This year we are here; next year may we be in the land of Israel. This year we are slaves; next year may we be free men.”

BOB. Amen.

ABE. (
Turning the page
.) Next...

(
The sound of a BEEPER is heard. BOB opens his coat and reveals a pager hooked to his belt
.)

BOB. Oh, excuse me. I’m sorry. That’s my beeper. (
To Joel
.) I’m on call.

MIRIAM. On Pesach?

BOB. I’m sorry. I’ll have to call in. I hope it’s not too serious. Please, go ahead without me.

MIRIAM. We’ll wait. We’ll wait. Make your call.

BOB. Excuse me. (
HE goes to the phone and dials
.) I just hope it’s not too serious. (
Into phone
.) This is Dr. David Steinberg. Did you page me? ... Uh-huh ... Uh-huh ... Oh, dear. Wait a second. (
To Miriam
.) I’m afraid it is serious.

MIRIAM. Oh, you don’t have to go.

SARAH. (
Imploring
.) Please, David ... Don’t have to go.

BOB. (
HE looks at Sarah. Into phone
.) This is Dr. David Steinberg. I’d really rather not come in. Who’s the resident on call? ... Well, he should be able to handle it. If he has any problems, tell him to call me ... (
Angry
.) Now, look! I told you the resident can handle it! Tonight is a sacred holiday of my people and I would like to spend it with my loved ones! ... All right ... That’s all right. Don’t worry about it ... Goodnight. (
HE hangs up the phone and returns to the table
.) I’m sorry. It is so hard to get good help. (
HE sits down
.) So ... Should we take it from the top or can we pick up where we left off?

SARAH. No, we can pick up where we are. (
To Abe
.) Daddy?

ABE. (
Looking in the Haggadah
.) Next ... The Four Questions. Who does the Four Questions?

MIRIAM. Sarah.

SARAH. Can we skip the Four Questions?

ABE. Skip the Four Questions.

MIRIAM. Do the Four Questions.

ABE. Do the Four Questions.

SARAH. Daniel did the Four Questions last night. I’m too old to do the Four Questions.

MIRIAM. Excuse me, Miss Grown-up. (
To Bob
.) David, when Sarah was a little girl, she loved to do the Four Questions.

SARAH. Mother ...

MIRIAM. Even when she was so little she couldn’t say the words. But she knew it was something important. She always wanted to be so helpful. We’d tell her to do the Four Questions and she’d sing “Happy Birthday” instead.

BOB. That’s a great story.

SARAH. Don’t encourage her. She’ll bring out baby pictures.

BOB. That reminds me of a story from when I was little.

JOEL. Does it.

BOB. When I was a small boy, there were a few gentile families in the neighborhood. And I always heard my little gentile friends talk about Santa Claus bringing them presents. And one Passover, I said to my father, “If Elijah comes, will he bring presents like Santa Claus?” And my father said, “If Elijah comes, he’ll bring the greatest present of all. Peace.” And I said, “But Santa Claus brings presents to my friends every year. When will Elijah come with his present?” And my father said, “We don’t know. But we hope he’ll come soon. That’s what we Jews do. We hope.”

MIRIAM. (
Clutching her chest with emotion
.) Oh!

SARAH. That’s beautiful.

ABE. That’s a beautiful story.

MIRIAM. So beautiful. You know, I heard a story just like that on the radio today.

BOB. (
Incredulous
.) No!

MIRIAM. David, will you do the Four Questions?

BOB. Uh ... All right.

SARAH. No! I’ll do it.

BOB. I’ll do it, Sweetheart.

MIRIAM. Do ιt together?

SARAH. I’ll
do
it!