Beach Side Beds and Sandy Paths (13 page)

***

The knocking gets louder and I crawl into a ball. Daddy will find me. I just have to stay here. He said he’d be back. He wouldn’t leave me. The big scary guy Mommy brought home will leave once Daddy gets here.

Just keep the door locked and stay close to the wall. The banging will stop. It always does. He’ll fall asleep. And then Mommy will too.

The door flies open
, and I scream. I kick and punch and try to get him to leave me alone. But he says I was a bad girl and bad girls deserve to be punished. He’s going to spank me. I don’t want to be spanked.

I scream again. Daddy where are you? I kick and flail and….

Sweat drips down my face, hair matted to my cheek. The knocking gets louder, I hear my name, but I can’t move.

“Lexie, open the damn door!” Ryan’s voice drifts into the room. I ignore it. My mind too focused on one simple fact.

The nightmares are back.

“What the hell?” Brett says, sliding from his room and rubbing his eyes. “Shut up! It’s like three in the morning.”

I ignore him and continue pounding on mine and Lex’s door. No way am I stopping either. I could hear her screaming from my make-shift bed on the porch.

“Yo, jackass!” h
e yells, and I’m tempted to put my fist somewhere else besides the door. “Do us all a favor and leave her alone.”

“What’s going on?” Nick says, poking his head out from his room down the hall. He has no shirt on and hands sneak out around his neck and pull him back in his room before Brett or I can answer. Not that I would’ve anyway.

I jiggle the handle for the thousandth time. “Lex, please. Open this door!” I can’t stand this shit. It’s killing me she’s not letting me in, that I can’t hug her, kiss her, make it all go away like she does every freaking time for me. Instead of my fist, I pound my head on the wood, voice cracking as I say, “Please Lex. I heard you…please…let me in.”

Nothing.

My hand flattens on the door, wishing I could reach in and pull her out. I want to show her just how much I love her, and I’m here to keep her safe. Even from her own head. Because, hell…she keeps me safe from mine.

I pound one more time, and Brett tosses his hands in the air. “Man, just go back to the doghouse so we can all sleep.”

He can go straight to hell, along with his big nose he likes to stick in everyone’s business.

“Lex, I’m sorry. I know you’re mad.” I lower my voice. “But please
let me in
.” I’m almost to my knees, I need her that bad.

I hear a door click and my chest sparks, till I realize
it’s Nate and Kaylee’s room, and not the one I’m trying to get into.

“M
ove out of my way,” Kaylee says, storming across the hall in just her bra and underwear. My eyes immediately go to Nate so he knows I’m not trying to look at his girl. Besides, she’s like my sister, and I’m ready to toss my hoodie at her. Well, if I had access to it.

Kaylee pounds her tiny fist on the wood. “Alexis Boggs, don’t make me break down this door.”

Two seconds later, the knob turns and a hand reaches out and yanks Kaylee in the room. The door slams another two seconds after that.

Guess I have to
have tits in order to get her to talk to me.

I keep my eyes locked on Nate, ignoring my brother still standing in the hallway. Nate rubs his hand over his face,
then ruffles his dark hair. “There’s an extra room, if you want,” he offers.

I shake my head. I don’t want to bring up how I know Lex is having nightmares and I’m not going to leave her alone. Maybe if Brett goes back to bed, I’ll explain that, but not while he’s standing right there.

“Ah, shit,” Brett says, leaning against his doorframe. “Just take the extra room and get comfortable.” He grimaces. “You won’t be getting screwed tonight, so drop it and let us all sleep.”

A tremor goes up my spine and before I know what I’m doing, my hands curl around his T-shirt and I throw him against the wall. My nose is practically touching his as I slam his head into the wall again.

“Whoa, dude!” Nate shouts at me, but it buzzes through my ears not registering in my brain. All I want to do is kick Brett’s ass, and Nate better keep his distance if he doesn’t want to get hit.

“Shut the hell up. You don’t know anything about Lex, or about me. Or anything about my life. You want me out of your shit? Then stay out of mine.”

Brett holds his hands up as if in surrender. “I just want to sleep off this hangover, man. All the pounding and yelling doesn’t help much.”

Heat rolls through my neck. “The hell you just want to sleep.” He’s trying to come off innocent when he knows he’s pissing me off on purpose. He’s relishing in the fact Lex and I
are fighting. And that stupid half-smile on his mouth says it all.

I bring my fist back, wanting to sock that look off his face, when a door opens, and I hear, “Ryan!”

It’s the only voice in the world that will stop me. I take a few breaths before dropping the fabric in my sweaty palm, and uncurling my fingers. Prickling rises to the back of my eyes as I flick them to Lexie. Her gorgeous eyes look bloodshot. Her hair is matted and sweaty. She’s standing somewhat behind Kaylee, her mouth slightly open and expression torn between shock, fear, and concern.

I don’t want her to be afraid. Especially of me. And even though this may scare her, I
seize the opportunity, letting go of Brett’s shirt and closing the distance between us. I pull her into our room, shut the door behind us, and lock it.

I n
eed to take a beat before we talk—before I do anything. I want to immediately wrap her in my arms and tell her I love her and I’m sorry for being an ass. But I need a freaking breather.

He’s so much like me, and not like me. He pisses me off, infuriates the hell out of me, then I see myself sometimes when I look in his face and it sends me over the edge. I hate my mom. I hate
her for doing what she did to Dad. I hate her for having an entire family and not telling me about them.

I hate that I know he feels the same way.

And I keep letting that bug me so much, it’s putting up a wall between me and Lex. I know I want her. I want her so bad. But I also know if we have sex, I’ll release all the tension and shit I’ve kept inside on her. I won’t be thinking about her. All I’ll want is a release for me. How the hell is that fair to her?

A few more calming breaths later, and I finally look at her. I push back all the frustration I have swirling through my body, and we both pop our mouths open at the same time.

“Are you okay?”

Like diving into a warm shower, the tension washes
off of us, out of the room, and I pull her to me. My lips press all over her face, while she does the same to me.

“I’m sorry—” I start to say, before she cuts my mouth off, and I kiss her back because I don’t need to say anything. Instead, I push everything that’s screwing me up into our kiss, and only half of me
wonders if I’m hurting her with how forceful I’m being. But she lets out a gasp and a moan, and I stop worrying about it and whip her around, pressing myself against her body and the wall.

M
y lips move from hers to calm myself down, but I end up dragging them along her jaw, down her sexy as hell collarbone. She starts gasping praises to God Almighty, and it turns me on to the point I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stop, even if I know it’s the right thing to do.

My mouth
stops right above her cleavage. I pause there, not moving, hoping to calm the hell down, but her hands slide down the back of my neck and tug the collar of my undershirt. The fact she wants it off makes my lips hungry for her skin. I
need
it. I need to keep kissing and touching and sucking and biting. And it’s not until she yanks on my shirt so hard, saying, “Ryan,
please
,” that I break away long enough for her to whip it over my head.

Then without thinking about it, I grab hers too, lifting it enough to run my hands over her stomach. She lets out a whimper, and my mind zaps to how she would sound if I were to bring her to the highest pleasure possible.

Her palms press against my chest, and she shoves me with more force than I ever thought that tiny, sexy body was capable of. I land ass backwards on the bed, the pajama bottoms I’m wearing doing nothing to hide how much I like this.

She jumps on top of me, causing a grunt to pop out my lips before she giggles and kisses me again. Her fingers twine with mine and pull my hand to her side, right under her armpit and cupping the side of her breast. She smiles and bites my lip, and I take my cue to rub and caress that breast till she knocks my hand out of the way.

I’ve been in this territory before, so it’s nothing new, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make my chest spark and my blood pump downward and the heat run through my body so much I think we’ll set the bed on fire.

A few minutes. I’ll stop us in a few minutes. I’ll try to be smooth about it. I’ll do it in a way she’ll know I love her and I want her, but it’s just not right,
right now
. I pull my hand from her shirt because I can’t keep doing that or I’m going to bury myself in her and take out all my stress in the most selfish way.

She springs up, kneeling next to me on the mattress, biting her lip, twisting her ring, and giving me a look with her big
pupils that tells me she wants to do something, but she’s not sure if she should.

I run my fingers up to her cheek, over the now-small bump on her eye, giving her a half-smile. I’m ready to pull her down next t
o me and hold her. Take those dreams away, and we can spend the rest of this night without any more crap.

But before I can, she shocks the hell out of me by twisting her hands in the hem of her tank top and whipping it over her head so fast I’m sure it was because she didn’t want to change her mind.

There’s no bra under that shirt. So I’m pretty sure the look on my face screams exactly what I’m thinking. And my woody says it too.

A flush goes up through her neck, turning those round, amazing, sexy, beautiful… holy shit! I’m finally seeing Lex’s perfect breasts. They’re a little pink from the blush creeping through her entire body. While her skin fills with blood, all my blood supply continues to shoot somewhere else, making my head go fuzzy.

She lies back down, pressing those bare breasts against my skin. It takes every single bit of me not to push her back up to a sitting position so I can gaze at them some more.

But she takes my hand in hers, which is shaking now, and settles my fingers on her.

“Ryan?”

Her voice is shaking too, and I’m afraid if I use mine it’ll come out in a high pitched croak. So I just turn my head so I can look at her.

“I love you.” She asks the question with her eyes. The one I know is on the tip of her tongue, and the one I still can’t say yes to. Not yet, damn it. I’m losing all sense of controlled man, which I’m not sure I had much to begin with.

But the
“I love you”… It’s like slamming into a brick wall. I love her, too. I love her so damn much I can’t think straight. I want to do this right. I need it right for her, for me, for
us
. I try to push out of my head without her help. I dive into my thoughts, hoping to cut all the ties that connect my brother, my dad, my mom… but I can’t. It makes me so angry, red dots form in front of my vision. I push my face into the mattress, trying to breathe, wanting Lex to understand I’m not trying to reject her, but I have no idea how to do that.

I did it again, and I didn’t even realize. I ran in here because I was pissed. Because I was upset, worried, terrified I was losing her, and Brett made things worse. I kissed her because I needed a release. I kissed her and touched her because I’m a damn jackass who wanted to get out all his anger by using his girlfriend.

“Ryan?”

I shake my head and muffle into the sheets. “Lex, I’m sorry, but… can you put your shirt on?”

I don’t even have to look at her to know what expression she’s wearing, and it tears my heart up.

“A-are you serious?”

Nodding into the mattress, I grapple behind me for the material. When I find it, I slide it up over her knee. “Please… I… I need to talk to you about this.”

Her soft fingers trace over my hand as she grabs the shirt from me. After a couple seconds, I feel her lie next to me, leg twined with mine as she prods me to look at her.

She’s so beautiful, and I can see all the concern in her expression, etched with disappointment and fear. I hate that I’m responsible for it, but I have to explain… any way I can.

“I love you,” I breathe, wiping her hair from her face, wrapping my hand around her head. “I want to make love to you, but not like this. My head won’t stop, and I’m angry
all the time
. That’s not fair to you.”

Her eyes flick down. “Maybe it’ll help.
I
could help. I want to do that for you.”

I shake my head. Does she not get she deserves so much more than that? “It can’t be why we’re doing it, Lex.”

She’s quiet, and I kiss her forehead, begging her with the pressure of my lips to understand. To give me time to put my head back on.

After a few minutes, she shifts, leaning around me and turning off the light. I don’t know if we’re good, or if she’s upset, or if she’s simply tired, and it rubs me raw that I can’t read her. I can
always
read her.

“Goodnight, Ry,” she says softly before kissing my lips and snuggling into my arms. It seems like we’re okay, but it doesn’t really feel that way.

I don’t want to argue anymore though. So I hold onto her and drift off, praying in the morning she’ll still be curled into me.