Authors: David Grossman
Be My Knife (52 page)
I tried not to make any mistakes, to play his little game with complete seriousness.
So why don’t you take him to kindergarten now?
So why don’t you take him to kindergarten now?
No, I can’t now, don’t you understand, she doesn’t understand anything, he wants to come inside the house without saying he’s sorry
A faraway bell started ringing.
I was so confused, something clenched in my stomach, in that place that always knows before I do.
You’re telling me your wife already left?
I was so confused, something clenched in my stomach, in that place that always knows before I do.
You’re telling me your wife already left?
Yes, yes.
It was as if she hadn’t been listening this entire time, as if she heard only what she wanted to hear
It was as if she hadn’t been listening this entire time, as if she heard only what she wanted to hear
He’s outside?
I mean, your son has been standing outside the door since … when did you say she
I mean, your son has been standing outside the door since … when did you say she
Since the morning, I told you, since half past seven, this is her day in Safed
But it’s already after half past nine
Yes, this is what I’ve been telling you, he’s very stubborn, what an idiot I am for thinking she would immediately understand everything, without having to explain everything to her twenty times, she is so slow, I swear, he’s standing by the door, but I can watch him through the kitchen blinds
Isn’t he cold?
It’s terribly cold outside right now
It’s terribly cold outside right now
Of course he’s cold, you can see how the weather is outside, and the wind
And it will rain soon, I said, and my voice broke a little, slipped over the word
What the hell do I care about the rain, damn it, he should say he’s sorry!
I was truly taken aback, it was a raging bark with a bite at the same time.
So why don’t you let him in the house and talk to him about
So why don’t you let him in the house and talk to him about
Because we decided, we made a decision, do you understand?
No, I don’t understand … and I suddenly started to fear that I really didn’t understand anything at all
I already told him that he would be able to come inside only after he says he is sorry!!
But sorry about what?
Every time he yelled, I felt as if he was striking me
Every time he yelled, I felt as if he was striking me
Tell me, have you not heard a word I’ve been saying?
This man is doing things I thought no one could do to me anymore, that I wouldn’t let anyone do to me ever again.
But he is a five-year-old child!
But he is a five-year-old child!
Almost five and a half, and he’s very strong, he has an iron will, and I took off my shoes and my shirt as well
I don’t understand.
What did you do?
What did you do?
I don’t want to have any advantage over him
He’s barefoot and without a shirt?
No, I only mean it’s cold outside, and we should be under totally equal conditions, but I am not going to let him win
You can’t hold out this way all day—what does Maya say about this—I mean, your wife
My wife isn’t here.
She said “Maya.”
She’ll be back late tonight.
Could you do me a favor and leave out the excuses and explanations for one minute, because I really do have to go to work and he is still showing no signs of breaking
She said “Maya.”
She’ll be back late tonight.
Could you do me a favor and leave out the excuses and explanations for one minute, because I really do have to go to work and he is still showing no signs of breaking
I suddenly stopped chasing him, perhaps because he was too far from my grasp, beyond any hope, and for a moment I had some respite and could ask myself if I really did want to reach him
I guess I finally managed to shock the great counselor of pedagogy into silence, to explain just what she is facing here
Do you want to teach him something or break him?
I didn’t mean to—the shout broke out of me
I didn’t mean to—the shout broke out of me
I remembered something and laughed aloud, so she would know exactly what I was thinking about
Don Juan’s Column on Children, I thought, and how he traps me again without even noticing it, by-the-by, as if he
Listen, forget about it, the whole thing, I made a terrible mistake by calling her, thrusting her into my own foulness, so shut up, don’t say another word; yes, as a matter of fact, I do believe he must be broken, once and for all, otherwise he will never learn
I don’t think you need to break somebody to
Yes, you do, you have to you have to.
Oh shut up, could you at least try and camouflage the shit you are, this is the only way children learn, the way she continues with this lame earnestness to argue with me, with all her decency and that honesty, instead of coming here and kicking me
Oh shut up, could you at least try and camouflage the shit you are, this is the only way children learn, the way she continues with this lame earnestness to argue with me, with all her decency and that honesty, instead of coming here and kicking me
You’re behaving like a child yourself right now, Yair.
Even his voice was thin and whiny, and I didn’t know what to do, mainly I wanted to help the child because I finally realized that this situation was much more serious than I thought, the way I spoke his name, for the first time naturally
Even his voice was thin and whiny, and I didn’t know what to do, mainly I wanted to help the child because I finally realized that this situation was much more serious than I thought, the way I spoke his name, for the first time naturally
“Yair,” with emphasis on the “ir,” who else pronounces my name like that, like a teacher; here, listen, I’m going to give him one last chance, can’t you hear, he doesn’t give a damn about me
I heard silence, then steps, he is walking barefoot, I thought, his feet touching the floor, and I remembered Maya’s “surprisingly small feet,” and also “such a narrow base for two adults and a child to hold on to,” of course, and didn’t know what I was supposed to be hearing, and then high, and strained by shouting with perfect enunciation, his voice
So if someone wants to come inside the house, he should knock on the door nicely and say he is sorry, and then we will forgive him and go to kindergarten immediately, because all his friends have already been there for a while now
Another silence, and then he whispered into the phone receiver with a scared, secretive voice, it was ridiculous but also a little frightening
You see, he’s not moving!
He’s not answering me!
You should see his face!
He won’t even consider surrendering
He’s not answering me!
You should see his face!
He won’t even consider surrendering
Then stop it, go easy on him, I yelled.
I lost control and yelled
I lost control and yelled
I will not surrender to him, I will not surrender to such blackmail; if you surrender once, it lasts forever
He sounded hysterical, and I felt drops of sweat start to prickle on my forehead, I’m here, and both of them are there and his wife is on her way to Safed and what can you
Walking with the cordless from room to room and shouting at her and the walls, and I don’t have a clue why I called her, a minute before I dialed her number I wasn’t even considering it
Yair, are you listening to me?
Listen to me for a minute, calm down, think about what you’re doing to him
Listen to me for a minute, calm down, think about what you’re doing to him
It will only do him good, he will say he is sorry like a good boy and then he’ll come in and we’ll make up
He’ll be sick
Then he’ll be sick once, so what, it’s not that bad
He’ll get sick and you will torment yourself over it
Twenty times a year he gets sick from germs, so now he’ll be sick for a good reason, you don’t die from getting a cold these days
You’re being cruel to him
Will you please let me conduct this dispute the way I know best
And he hung up on me.
I was left amazed and breathless, just like he always leaves me, and how could I let him suck me in this way, into him
I was left amazed and breathless, just like he always leaves me, and how could I let him suck me in this way, into him
I called work to let them know I would be late, so they could postpone the meeting for me, and while I was talking, I peeked through the window and saw that he was shivering, at least I think he was shivering, his shoulders shrunk and he was hopping from leg to leg.
I had no choice, I took off my undershirt as well, and my socks, because this may be a long fight, but it will be a fair one
I had no choice, I took off my undershirt as well, and my socks, because this may be a long fight, but it will be a fair one
I sank into Amos’s armchair, completely exhausted.
I tried to calm myself down a little, but all I could think was that perhaps he will now disappear and never return, because now I saw him, in his shame and his ignominy
I tried to calm myself down a little, but all I could think was that perhaps he will now disappear and never return, because now I saw him, in his shame and his ignominy
When I looked up again, the little idiot wasn’t by the door anymore, but was standing in the middle of the little path in front of the entrance, crouched over, gazing at some black beetle that had been flipped on its back
I have to disconnect my thoughts from him right now.
But the child, I thought; and suddenly became weak, swept into a strange fog of dizziness, my heart started pounding fiercely with a beat outside of the usual repertoire of reactions to him.
I said it again and again, and then aloud for no reason … The child?
The child?
But the child, I thought; and suddenly became weak, swept into a strange fog of dizziness, my heart started pounding fiercely with a beat outside of the usual repertoire of reactions to him.
I said it again and again, and then aloud for no reason … The child?
The child?
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