Be More Chill (11 page)

But I
am
a masturbator.

W
E
’
LL FIX THAT
.

I have $140—you don’t want me to spend it all in this store, do you? I push open the doors to Advanced Horizons.

N
O
,
YOU
’
LL NEED
$100
OF IT LATER
. L
ET
’
S
SPEND
$40
ON AT LEAST ONE SHIRT AND IF YOU NEED MORE, YOU CAN USE YOUR MOTHER
’
S CREDIT CARD
.

How do you know about that?

Y
OUR BRAIN
. I
STARTED UP WITH A PARTIAL DATA DUMP FROM MEMORY TO MEMORY
. I
KNOW SOME THINGS
.

Well, that card is only for emergencies.

Y
OU
ARE
AN EMERGENCY
, J
EREMY
.

Inside the store, I walk with a back as straight as I can from aisle to aisle. Each shirt I see, I pull out and inspect, but of course I’m not really inspecting it. The squip is.

N
O
. N
O
. N
O
. N
O
.

You’re tough.

N
O
. N
O
.

In the end, the squip approves of two items: a navy-with-gold-trim Shago sweatshirt and an Eminem T-shirt that says
I LIKE THE POPE
/
THE POPE SMOKES
DOPE
. (B
UY THAT NOW; YOU
’
RE GOING TO WANT
E
MINEM MERCHANDISE
.) The last of the $40 is obliterated by the
sweatshirt and Mom’s credit card has to be called in for the T-shirt. I’ll need to explain that to her later. Damn.

T
HAT IS SOMETHING ELSE WE HAVE TO WORK ON
. H
OW COME YOU DON
’
T CURSE
?

I don’t know, really. I do sometimes. I guess I don’t need to all the time. (I try to interact with the cashier and squip at the same time.)

Y
ES
,
YOU DO
. F
IFTY TIMES A DAY YOU HAVE TO SAY ANY COMBINATION OF THESE WORDS
:
FUCK
,
ASS
,
BITCH
,
SHIT
,
DICK
,
PUSSY
,
DILL-LICKER
,
HAIRY NECESSARIES
—

Whoa whoa whoa. I do not.

W
HAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DO NOT
? D
O YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS WITH FEMALES OR DO YOU WANT TO KEEP JERKING YOUR SKINNY SELF OFF ALL THE TIME
? I
KNOW THE RULES
, J
EREMY
.

Yeah, but if I talk like that, Christine’ll be pissed.

T
RUE
.

She doesn’t want to see me cursing all the time.

G
OOD POINT
. L
ET
’
S USE BLANKED-OUT WORDS, THEN
. L
IKE EVERY TIME YOU SAY FUCK
I’
LL PUT IN A
_ _
C
_,
AND ASSHOLE BECOMES
_ _
S
_ _
L
_.

Deal. F_ _ _ p_ _ .

I kind of hate Keanu Reeves’s voice. Can you switch to, ah, Brad Pitt?

W
E COULDN
’
T GET HIS RIGHTS
. Y
OU SURE YOU DON
’
T LIKE
K
EANU
?

Uh…

C’
MON
,
JUST LISTEN
. I
SN
’
T IT SOOTHING
?

I guess.

A
LL RIGHT THEN
, the squip concludes as Keanu. We head through the mall to meet up with Michael. I could see how—

J
EREMY
,
STOP
. G
ET A FROZEN YOGURT
.

“I’m sorry?”

G
RRRRR
.

I mean, I’m sorry?

F
IRST CHANGE SHIRTS; THEN GET A FROZEN YOGURT
.

But I need to meet my friend…what time is it anyway?

16:20
HOURS
.

Huh? What?

I
DEFAULT TO MILITARY TIME
. W
OULD YOU LIKE STANDARD TIME
?

Sure.

4:20
P
.
M
.

Then I definitely have to meet Michael. I told him—

J
EREMY
,
YOU DO NOT NEED TO MEET
M
ICHAEL
RIGHT NOW
. I
N FACT
, I
HAVE TO
EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU
RIGHT NOW
. S
IT DOWN
.

Um—I park my butt on a metal bench by a garbage droid and concentrate. It’s unnerving communicating with a disembodied Keanu Reeves. Especially when he’s stern.

Y
OUR PERFORMANCE IN THAT STORE WAS ADMIRABLE, BUT TOO QUESTIONING
. Y
OUR PERFORMANCE NOW IS WORSE
. Y
OU NEED TO UNDERSTAND
:
I
AM AN ADVISER
. Y
ES
?

Okay.

Y
OU PAID QUITE A BIT OF MONEY FOR ME
. T
RUE
?

True.

M
Y ADVICE IS NOT BASED ON THIS WORLD ALONE
. D
UE TO MY QUANTUM STRUCTURE
I
AM ABLE TO INTERACT AT A LOW LEVEL WITH PHOTONS IN
PARALLEL UNIVERSES AND EXTRAPOLATE FORWARD, KNOWING THEIR ENTANGLED STATES, TO SEE WHAT THOSE UNIVERSES HAVE TO OFFER.

Uh—

R
IGHT NOW
I
AM ENVISIONING A UNIVERSE IN WHICH YOU GET SOME FROZEN YOGURT WITH YOUR
S
HAGO SWEATSHIRT ON AND THINGS TURN OUT WELL
FOR YOU.

Okay.

I
HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND
, J
EREMY
. A
LWAYS
. W
HY DON
’
T YOU EXPLORE
THEM?

Okay. I’ll give this a shot. I drop into the nearest bathroom. Hoping to look beefier, I stuff the new T-shirt over my current model and put the sweatshirt on over that. Then I head to the
combination Mrs. Field’s/TCBY facility for yogurt.

E
XCELLENT
. S
EE?

Whoa! Anne is here, from my math class, looking, um, marginally cute. She has little breasts, so she doesn’t wear a bra as she snacks on the pointy end of a used cone at her own tall,
circular table.

N
OW YOU
’
VE GOT TO APPROACH HER, WITH THAT GOOD POSTURE WE TALKED ABOUT.

Wait, though! I don’t like Anne.

W
HAT DO YOU MEAN?

I don’t like her. I don’t
want
to talk to her.

J
EREMY, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHOM YOU LIKE AND DON
’
T LIKE?

That’s actually something I’ve never had a problem with—

L
IKING SOMEONE IS A QUANTUM CONCEPT.
D
ID YOU KNOW THAT?

Really.

Y
ES
. E
VEN BY THINKING THAT YOU MIGHT LIKE A TARGET FEMALE, YOU CREATE AN INFINITUDE OF WORLDS WHERE THAT FEMALE IS MET, COPULATED WITH, AND GIVEN
COMPANION STATUS.

Really?

“Jeremy!” Anne pushes a drop of frozen yogurt over her lower lip, into her mouth.

H
ELLO
.

“Hello,” I say.

“Well, okay, ‘hello,’” Anne responds. She smiles, drapes her hands over the table. It’s nice to hear a voice that comes from the outside world, but still, she
isn’t attractive.

“Do you know Chloe?” Anne continues, and I turn to see
the
Chloe—Hot Girl Chloe, the Chloe with the tail from the dance—sitting in the seat next to Anne’s!
How the _ _ _k did I not see her? I stare, dumbfounded.

“Hello,” Chloe says comfortably. She has on a necklace with “Fun Size” Snickers and Milky Ways hanging off it, just in case I didn’t know she was hot.

“I didn’t see you,” I say.

Y
EAH, YOU DIDN
’
T.
F
UNNY, HUH, HOW YOUR OPTIC NERVES CAN BE BLOCKED TO YOUR ADVANTAGE?

“Do you want a Snickers?” Chloe asks, jutting her breasts and necklace out at me.

“Guh…yes.” I pull one off her soft neckline. The space between the tops of her breasts and chin looks like a whole continent.

“Chloe and I are taking a break from that crap Mr. Gretch assigned, you know?” Anne uptalks. “Did you do it?”

W
E
’
LL DO IT LATER
. I
T WILL TAKE SECONDS
. I
GNORE HER
. L
ET THE FEMALES
INTERACT.

“It’s not a study break,” Chloe turns to Anne, putting her body back in neutral. “You make it sound like a
study break.
”

“Oh, yeah. My bad?” Anne covers her mouth with four fingers. Then she turns to me: “So, Shago?” She stifles a laugh. “Isn’t that, uh, Lil’ Bow
Wow’s clothing line?”

L
IL
’ B
OW
W
OW IS ACTUALLY CALLED
B
OW
W
OW NOW, WITH A SUCCESSFUL MOVIE AND
FASHION DESIGN CAREER.
T
HE
S
HAGO LINE STANDS FOR HIS REAL NAME
, S
HAD
G
REGORY
M
OSS
.

“Um, Lil’ Bow Wow is Bow Wow now, and Shago is Shagregory Moss,” I repeat.

“No way,” Chloe slurs from her spot at the table. “How do you know that?”

She waits for me to answer, turning down to the pink yogurt shake that occupies her. She looks at my eyes, I think, but I can’t be sure—

O
F COURSE SHE
’
S LOOKING AT YOUR EYES
. W
HO ELSE IS HERE
? W
E HAVE TO MOVE THIS ALONG,
J
EREMY.
P
UT YOUR KNUCKLES ON THE TABLE LIKE A BRUTE OF SOME KIND.

I do. It’s a lot easier to do this stuff when you’re told to.

N
OW LOOK TOWARD
C
HLOE, BUT OPEN YOUR MOUTH A BIT, SO YOUR LIPS SHOW FULL WITHOUT REVEALING YOUR TEETH.
Y
OU NEED TO APPEAR
UNCARING AND VERY INTENSE, YET MEEK.

I part my lips.

N
OW SAY
, “Y
OU
’
RE A REALLY PRETTY GIRL
, C
HLOE
. Y
OU LOOKED GREAT AT
THAT DANCE
.”

“You know you’re really pretty, Chloe. You looked great at the dance.” I can’t believe I’m saying it.

“Um…” Chloe raises her eyes to mine.

“M
AYBE WE CAN HANG OUT SOMETIME
.” S
AY IT LIKE YOU DON
’
T CARE ABOUT YOUR OWN DEATH.

“Maybe we can hang out sometime.”

Chloe…Jesus, Chloe is looking right at me!

D
ON
’
T SMILE.
S
TAY INTENSE.
A
ND DON
’
T THINK
J
ESUS.
T
HINK F
_ _ _.

F_ _ _.

“Whatever,” Chloe finally says.

W
HATEVER
? A
N EXCELLENT START.
N
OW SAY THAT YOU
’
RE A GRAFFITI ARTIST—

“Jeremy!” Michael yells, rushing into Mrs. Field’s/TCBY, exasperated, with his headphones. He doesn’t ever look exasperated. Guess I’m popular today. He gasps at my
shirt. “Where have you been?”

“Mom’s home,” Chloe says under her breath. I notice that Michael has bad posture and bad dandruff; it didn’t use to be so much worse than mine, but you can see it from
across the room now.

B
RUSH HIM OFF; WE HAVE BUSINESS HERE.

“Um…I’m talking to these girls; what do you want from me?” I ask Michael. And what does he want? A girl, same as me. If he had run into one over by the HMV music kiosks,
he’d still be there.

“O-kay,” he says, his lips squirming. “Well, um, I’m going now, so if you want that ride home you’ve got to—”

T
AKE A RIDE WITH THE GIRLS.

“Actually, Anne?” I turn, ignoring Michael. Anne looks weirded out by what I just said to Chloe, but she still looks admiring. “You’ve got a ride outta here,
right?”

“Yeah.”

“Could I maybe go with you?” My speech is coming out more and more in tune with the squip’s suggestions. “My house is right by school.”

“Oh yeah,” she says. “This girl Jill? She’ll totally drive you.”

“Okay.” I look back for Michael, but he’s gone. That was quick. Guess I’ll sort things out with him later.

R
EMEMBER THE TARGET FEMALE.

Chloe is sucking loud air out of the bottom of her yogurt shake. She doesn’t look at me, but she says, “Guess we’re going to be hanging out sooner instead of later,
huh?”

Sitting with girls rules. Anne must really like me; she starts badmouthing Jenna as soon as I pull up a stool between her and Chloe and the squip tells me that if a target
female is attracted to you, she will complain about things to you. That reminds me of Christine and how
she
started by complaining about Mr. Reyes to me, and I wonder if the squip knows
about Christine. I hope so. I hope it saw her in the brain data dump or whatever.