Batman 2 - Batman Returns (2 page)

So the carriage travels on through darkness, surrounded by the foulest of stenches and the cries of those things that live without light. But every trip must have a destination. So it is that the carriage goes from one pipe to another to another, until at last the stream around it disgorges the great wheeled cage before a great island of ice.

The carriage washes up on that icy shore, and the baby hears a noise, and realizes he isn’t alone. For out of the darkness stride four of the most regal birds you have ever seen, four emperor penguins, to stand guard around their newfound treasure.

A most warming story, don’t you think? But it happened very long ago. Now the baby is all grown up.

Gotham City isn’t safe anymore. Pain and death wait for far too many on the city streets.

Trust me. I’m the kind of bird that can make it happen.

C
hristmastime again. It happens every year.

But today things are different. Today there’s Batman. There’s a proud father now, showing a sled with that bat on it to his wife. Oops! Have to hide that present, ’cause here comes junior!

And farther out in Gotham City Plaza, there’s an adorable little girl who pulls open her precious little purse and pulls out a dollar (a whole dollar!) to give to the Santa Claus collecting for the Salvation Army. It’s all pretty sweet, isn’t it? People are shopping and caroling and smiling and even skating down at the ice rink set up for the season.

And look! Right here in front of us a young man gives a young woman a poinsettia. And what a kiss she gives him back! Christmas cheer is everywhere, isn’t it? Pretty goddamned sweet.

Don’t worry. Sweetness can’t last forever. Things will get much better very soon.

Uh-oh. Here’s that snow bunny, that very well-endowed young lady dressed sort of like an elf, except she has a tiara and a banner that reads “ICE PRINCESS.” What a babe. She smiles a truly dazzling smile as she talks into her microphone.

“Could I have your attention, Gotham City?”

And of course Gotham City—all those shoppers and carolers and smilers and kissers—give her their undivided attention. She smiles again, or maybe she never ever stops smiling, and looks over to that elegant lamppost clock, a wonderful re-creation of the real thing, and sees the big hand reach a quarter to seven.

Once again, her excited voice chirps over the microphone: “It’s time for tonight’s lighting of the tree! How about that?”

She presses a big, multicolored button before her. And what happens next? Why, the whole big Gotham Plaza Christmas tree lights up, of course! No surprises.

At least not yet.

“Aah!” the crowd proclaims as they watch the tree. “Oooh!”

But a surprise is coming soon.

Wait a moment, you ask. Who’s telling us all this? Who is this in the dark? When he looks through that sewer grate, does it remind him of some time long ago, when he looked out of the bars of his playpen at the bright Christmas lights, when he looked out of his wicker carriage at the river that surrounded him?

But baby is baby no more. He’s grown bigger now, much bigger, and he’s learned a thing or two. For one thing, he’s learned a jaunty little tune. If you’ll permit me, I’ll sing:

“I know when you’ve been sleeping, I know when you’re awake—”

Soon.

A
butler’s work was never done.

Alfred dodged and wove his way through the Christmas shoppers with the ease of a seasoned veteran. He had performed these sorts of errands for more than forty years, first for Thomas Wayne and his wife, and then, after that couple’s tragic death, for their growing son Bruce. On these last days before the holiday he would fetch the Christmas goose, a few new ornaments for the tree, and perhaps some small presents for friends and acquaintances of his employer.

At least, he thought, in doing this he could make life a little easier for Master Bruce. In these last few months, Bruce Wayne had had certain other things on his mind.

“Paper!” the newsboy shouted as Alfred approached. “Read about the latest sighting of the Penguin creature! Read all about it! Missing link between man and bird? Get your paper!”

Alfred studied the lurid headline on the
Gotham Herald
with a single practiced glance:

PENGUIN:
MAN OR MYTH
OR SOMETHING WORSE?

The newsboy held a paper out in front of the butler. “Paper, mister?”

“Dear boy,” Alfred replied. “Sometimes it is a diversion to read such piffle.” He frowned down at the headline. “Most times it is a
waste
of time.”

Alfred continued to frown as the newsboy turned away. He could have sworn he saw something moving down in that sewer grate. No doubt it was nothing more than the reflection of the Christmas lights.

It was almost as if he expected something to be lurking in the shadows. Alfred chuckled. If he didn’t watch himself, he’d get as bad as Master Bruce.

Who did the Mayor think Max was, some kind of ordinary citizen?

Max Shreck told himself to calm down. The Mayor had arrived here in the Shreck corporate offices, after all, even if it had been hours after he had been summoned. And, Max reminded himself, he had to be pleasant to this windbag politician, at least until the Mayor gave him what he wanted.

The Mayor nodded out at the view of the Christmas tree, all lit up down in Gotham Plaza. “Well, here’s hoping”—he beat his fist upon the desk—“knock wood—Gotham might just have its first merry Christmas in a good long while.”

So His Honor was growing sentimental? Max figured it was time to turn on the charm. “I feel almost vulgar,” he said with a nod and a smile, “in this Yuletide context, about mentioning the new power plant.” He paused to pound his own fist into his open palm. “But if we’re going to break ground when we’ve got to break ground, I need permits, variances, tax incentives”—he paused again to shrug apologetically—“that kind of pesky nonsense.”

The Mayor looked at Max as if he had never heard of this power plant. Which, of course, he hadn’t. But Max Shreck never let a detail like that get in his way.

“Power plant?” the Mayor objected. “Max, our studies show that Gotham has enough energy to sustain growth into the next centu—”

Shreck cut him off with a hearty laugh. “Your analysts are talking growth at one percent per annum. That’s not growth, that’s a mild swelling. I’m planning ahead for a revitalized Gotham City!” He waved at all the pretty lights on the far side of the plate-glass window. “So we can light the whole plaza without worrying about brownouts.” He turned and frowned critically at the Mayor. “Do you like the sound of
brownouts
? Do you?”

He glanced away from the politician for the merest of instants as the door to his office opened, admitting his son Chip and his secretary, Selina Kyle. It must be almost time. He would have to wrap this up.

He opened all ten of his fingers before the Mayor’s face. “Imagine a Gotham City of the future lit up like a blanket of stars.” He closed his fists, then opened and closed them again. “But blinking, on and off?” He shook his head. “Embarrassingly low on juice? Frankly, I cringe, Mr. Mayor.”

Chip moved quickly but quietly across the room toward his father. With the respect he showed for his old man, you’d hardly suspect that this boy was a star college quarterback. But Max liked it that way, both the college star and the respect. In fact, he demanded it be that way.

“Dad,” Chip interrupted as he glanced at the large digital clock on the wall. “Mr. Mayor. It’s time to go downstairs and bring joy to the masses.”

Uh-oh, Shreck thought. His pitch to the Mayor was really running a little bit behind schedule. But Max wouldn’t let His Honor off that easily. He fixed the Mayor with his best Shreck smile.

“Sorry,” the Mayor replied dismissively before Max could add another word. “You’ll have to submit reports, blueprints, and plans through the usual committees, through the usual channels.”

Max almost lost his smile. Who did this two-bit politician think he was talking to? But he couldn’t let the Mayor go now, not when he was so close. There had to be some way to make Jenkins see the error of his ways.

Selina put down a tray bearing a silver coffeepot and a couple of fine china cups. “Um,” she mentioned somewhat hesitantly, “I had a suggestion. Well, actually, more of just a question—”

Max’s gaze locked upon her, silencing her instantly. He had to be nice to the Mayor; being nice to Selina was something else altogether. What did she think she was doing, butting in? Didn’t she know a secretary’s place?

“I’m afraid we haven’t properly housebroken Ms. Kyle,” he apologized to the Mayor. He smiled as he waved at the tray. “In the plus column, though, she brews one hell of a cup of coffee!”

But he had to get away from these sorts of interruptions if he was going to get Jenkins in his corner. Max pushed the Mayor from the office without touching the pot or the cups.

Selina looked after her disappearing boss. What had she done?

Corn dog!

Chip smiled at her, the kind of smile that probably melted college coeds at his feet. It was too bad the smile was as phony as Chip’s part-time job for his father.

“Thanks,” he said, waving gallantly at the coffee tray. “Anyway, it’s not the caffeine that gets us buzzed around here. It’s the obedience.”

He favored her with one more of his winning smiles before he turned and strode out after his father.

She waited until he was out of the room before she replied.

“Shut up, Chip.”

Selina stared at the tray before her for a second, then slapped her forehead with her palm. “
‘Actually more of a question.’
You stupid corn dog!”

She wanted to get ahead, show Mr. Shreck that she was really worthy of the title of administrative assistant. But all she ever did was open her mouth enough so that her foot could fit right in. She had seen the look her boss had given her. After an outburst like hers, she was lucky to still have a job.

“Corn dog.” She slapped herself again for good measure.
“Corn dog!”

Couldn’t she ever do anything right?

As soon as Chip had caught up with them, Max took the Mayor down the executive elevator, then guided him right through the first floor of Shreck’s Department Store, so important to Gotham’s economy. When Shreck’s prospered, the city prospered, too. The Mayor knew that already, but Max figured it wouldn’t hurt to remind him. They just happened to go out of the main door, too, right by the large
SHRECK
’
S
sign, featuring that happy Shreck cat that all of Gotham loved.
All of Gotham!
But the Mayor should know that, too. It was a symbol of everything Max stood for, and, maybe, a sign of even greater things to come.

The minute they stepped from the store, the news media gathered around. Flashbulbs popped in their faces, questions were shouted in their ears, TV cameras swiveled to follow their every move; all the price of fame. Max nodded pleasantly, the Mayor waved, Chip smiled, as all of Gotham gathered around.

Their entourage walked across the plaza as Max spotted the Salvation Army Santa. What a photo opportunity! It was time for some positive image making. Max paused and reached for his wallet. He passed two bills to Santa, and the one on top was a fifty. The flashbulbs popped merrily.