Barging In (29 page)

“Shit, Tris, I’m fucking sorry, mate.” Considering the relationship had lasted only nine weeks, Tris had taken it hard. “I’m a crap friend, and you deserve better. So much fucking better.”

“Oh, can the self-pity, darling. It doesn’t suit you. Now why don’t you finish off that drink, and we can go cheer ourselves up on the dance floor. It’s Christmas Eve eve, and we deserve a bit of fun.”

It worked for a while, but Dan was too drunk to perform anything other than shambolic gyrations and cheesy, Travolta-esque moves designed to have Tris in stitches. In the end, they stumbled into a cab together, vowing to carry on the party at Dan’s flat.

At some point on the ride home, the alcohol reached a critical level in Dan’s bloodstream and began working its old tricks. The ones where it made the guy he was with seem like the most alluring man in the universe—except Robin—and sent Dan’s libido into overdrive even as his capacity to do anything about it plummeted. He pulled Tris close, mumbling endearments as he pawed at him. Tris didn’t seem to mind. He’d played catch-up with the cocktails after Dan had started dancing.

They fell through the front door in a tangle of limbs, giggling hysterically. Tris was still trying to sing something from one of his bloody musicals that was meant to be significant in some way, but Dan was more interested in getting some skin contact. It had been too long. Nearly two weeks since he last saw Robin, and he was desperate to feel arms around him. Right now he didn’t much care whose arms. These ones would have to do.

Dan tackled Tris to the sofa and gave him a sloppy, tooth-clashing kiss before standing to strip his T-shirt. He gave Tris his most seductive smile and straddled him. Tris stared with bleary eyes. They widened in alarm. Dan looked down to try and work out what the problem was. Oh yeah. Tris hadn’t seen all that yet.

“Shit, Dan! You never told me about this.” Tris ran a fingertip over the faded patchwork of bruises and bite marks on Dan’s chest.

Dan shivered. Not in a good, I’m-so-fucking-horny-let’s-shag kind of a way. No, more of an I-want-my-shirt-back-on-right-now-it’s-bloody-freezing kind of shiver. He obeyed the instinct, moving off Tris’s lap and curling into a foetal ball at the other end of the sofa.

“He hurts you? You’ve always said you’re not into pain. Are you okay with this?”

Dan squeezed his eyes tight, hoping it might keep the tears at bay. “I love it,” he choked out. “I ask for it. When it’s Robin, everything’s different.”

“You want to tell me about it?”

“He just…just makes me feel free. I don’t have to try to impress him. Doesn’t care what I wear or earn or even if I’ve had a shower.” He snorted. “Dirty boy. Think he prefers it if I haven’t. He makes me laugh, Tris. He can be buttoned up so tight sometimes, but when he lets go, he’s so…” The right word eluded him. Trying to explain Robin’s contradictions made his brain hurt—or maybe that was still the cocktails doing their evil work. “He makes me feel safe.” He sniffed and gave a shaky laugh. “Takes control and makes me come so hard I see stars.”

Tris gave him a look Dan had never seen on his face before. His drink-addled brain couldn’t unscramble it, but there was definitely something uncommonly wise about it. Tris, wise? Ha! How likely was that?

“You love him, don’t you, darling?”

Nope, definitely not wise. Dan did not love Robin. He was determined not to. Because if he did, that was the kind of thing you had to fight to protect, and he was terrified of what that might involve. He tried to explain this to Tris but just earned a pitying look for his trouble.

“Go to bed, Dan. It’ll seem better in the morning, trust me.” Tris yawned and stretched. “Get me a spare blanket, and I’ll sleep here. It won’t be the first time I’ve ended up on the sofa, believe me.”

But it didn’t seem all that much better in the morning, because despite the relief of not having cheated on Robin, Dan had the prospect of the train journey over to Bath, and then on to Cheltenham with him to spend the holiday with his family. Dealing with Rosemary Hamilton while nursing a hangover?

No, Tris really didn’t know what he was talking about.

And Dan definitely wasn’t in love.

Chapter Thirty

Robin waited at his customary spot, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. He was getting glances from the overzealous platform guard, but he just grinned at him. Nothing could dampen his mood. Not the freezing-cold drizzle that drifted under the platform roof. Not the prospect of spending the next three days at his parents’ house. And certainly not a homophobic busybody.

The guard gave him a shy smile as his gaze raked up and down Robin’s body.

Okay, maybe not homophobic. Huh, who would have thought? Robin was having to reassess his opinions of so many people. The calm acceptance of his family and most of the other boaters had been such a surprise. For every Nigel with his poisonous barbs and hate-filled eyes, there were at least twenty others who seemed to wish Robin well, and a far greater number who were utterly indifferent. He could do it now. He was ready to take the plunge and ask Dan to move in with him. He’d do it over Christmas, the first chance he had to get Dan alone. Sort everything out before Dan went off for the month. He felt like he was walking on a cloud, and nothing was going to bring him down. Not even the thought of Dan being with Tristan. What did one month matter when soon Dan would be all his, all the time?

It was all so simple. Dan would see it.

Dan would say yes.

Robin’s buoyant spirits coloured everything, so he didn’t immediately pick up on Dan’s mood. They sat in the railway platform café while they waited for the connecting train, Robin chattering about the latest gossip along the canal—he knew it all these days—and his growing enjoyment of the written word.

“I thought maybe I could read some of your articles sometime. I mean, I know it’s all stuff about hotels and places I’ve not been to, but it’d be like listening to you talk. Could keep me company whenever you’re away, writing new stuff.” Robin smiled at the thought of Dan wielding a notepad on a beach full of sexy men. He mentally dressed Dan in long shorts, hat and shirt, with a good daub of that white sunblock on his nose. And he made sure that Tristan was sitting in the middle of a bunch of tanned men in skimpy swimming trunks to keep him entertained and away from Dan. “Maybe you could send me some to read while you’re in Gran Canaria.”

“I’ve got to go and do it, Robin. You won’t be able to put a guilt trip on me about this one.” Dan wrenched apart of packet of sugar as he spoke, the crystals scattering all over the tabletop. “Shit,” he said, brushing them away with his sleeve.

Robin blinked. He took a proper look at Dan, noting for the first time the dark rings under his eyes and the downcast gaze. Dan was fidgeting with his spoon now, stirring the coffee round and round. His misery sent compassion washing through Robin.

“Hey, it’s okay. I don’t mind. I trust you. It’s just your job, isn’t it? And I’m okay about Tristan going, really.”

“It’s not about Tris, all right!”

Dan’s voice was loud, and conversations at the surrounding tables stopped as people listened in. He reached out to hold Dan’s hand, stopping him from destroying another sugar packet. He ransacked his mind for possible causes of Dan’s distress. While thinking, he ran his thumb over Dan’s tightly clenched fist.

Dan spoke first. “God, look… I’m sorry. I just, I had a late night and too much to drink. And I’m a bit jumpy about spending Christmas with your folks, no offence.”

Robin gave a wry smile. “None taken. I know the feeling.”

And because he was in love, and because he could, he lifted Dan’s hand and quite deliberately kissed his knuckles. He eased Dan’s fist open, licking the grains of sugar from his palm. He didn’t give a rat’s arse what any of the other customers thought about them.

Dan shivered and squeezed his eyes shut. He must be moved. He looked like he was about to burst into tears. Probably upset about having to go away in a few days. They’d miss each other, but it would be okay. Everything would be better afterwards, when they were living together.

He should try and take Dan’s mind off January.

“Did I ever tell you about the year my sister brought back one of her hippy university friends for the Christmas break? She was called Wendy. Bought a microwavable vegan dinner with her and had made us all crocheted hot-water bottle covers as presents. You should have seen Mum’s face when she unwrapped hers.”

Dan looked up as Robin launched into his tale, and before long, he was starting to smile.

Yeah, it would all be fine.

Dan felt like the world’s biggest fraud. He’d been welcomed into Robin’s family with open arms—quite literally, in Rosemary’s case—and he kept wondering when someone was going to come along and boot him out for being a commoner. It was all alien. The large detached house in its half acre of gardens; the tastefully coordinated furnishings and antiques; even the cats were pedigree—two snooty Siamese who eyed him with suspicion. The cats had it right, at least. He didn’t fit in here, and he never would. It made him jumpy.

And then there was Robin’s room. His childhood room, still decorated with pictures of boats on the blue walls. Dan sank back onto the bed. That had been changed, at least. A queen-size double with a dark, carved wooden headboard. It was a tacit acknowledgement that they were sleeping together, and he realised he’d been half expecting to find himself given a separate room—let’s face it, there were enough spare bedrooms in the house. It seemed wrong for Rosemary and Edward to have so many empty rooms, when he’d grown up squashed into the one tiny bedroom with his older brother. He’d been fifteen before he’d finally got it to himself.

“Mmm, that’s a good idea,” Robin said, bouncing onto the bed and jolting Dan out of his trance. “Reckon we’ve got a good half hour before anyone misses us. There’s no lock on the door, but I think we could chance it, don’t you?”

Dan rolled over to face Robin. What was with him today, being so bloody cheerful? But no matter how weird Dan felt, and how much he wanted to stay annoyed, he couldn’t resist that look in Robin’s eyes. He’d never really realised just what come-to-bed eyes were before meeting Robin—the man gave a whole new meaning to the phrase with his devastating gazes.

He answered with a kiss, which quickly escalated to a sweaty, half-clothed rubbing off. Lying back afterwards, their mingled come drying on his skin, Dan wondered why it couldn’t always be this easy. It was all so simple when it was just them together. None of the outside world coming in to cause conflict.

“I’ve been thinking,” Robin said, running his finger lazily through the mess on Dan’s belly, “about when you get back from your trip. It’s silly, all this travelling back and forth you’re having to do, and you’ve said yourself you can do most of your work wherever, so long as you have the Internet and a ph—”

“What are you trying to say?” Dan interrupted. Robin stroked his chest, and Dan fought the urge to roll away. He had a hunch about where this conversation was going, and he didn’t like it.

“How about moving onto
Serendipity
with me? You could keep the flat in London and just go back there when you need to for work. We could be properly together. It’ll be even easier after your trip when you sort out your driving test and get a car.”

“You’ve got it all organised, then, have you? Shit, Robin… There isn’t room for me to move onto your boat.”

“I can make room. I can build more storage.”

“You can’t make it twice the size, though, can you? Look, I need my space. I need somewhere that’s my own where I can go and work or just be by myself for a bit. Why d’you think I’ve lived alone all these years?” And even as he said this, Dan knew it was only part of the truth, but the whole truth was more than he wanted to own.

“You were waiting for the right person to come along. You were waiting for me.” Robin sounded so self-assured. His self-esteem had skyrocketed since they first met, and Dan hated himself for having to drag it back to the dirt.

Dan groaned and covered his eyes with his arm. Why did Robin have to dump this on him today, when he was already coping with the hangover from hell, the Hamilton family mansion and the lingering guilt about nearly shagging Tris? “I’ve never wanted to live with anyone, and I don’t think that’s ever going to change. Sorry, Robin.” He felt the mattress shift as Robin got up from the bed, and when he opened his eyes, he could see that familiar figure silhouetted against the window. “It’s not you. You just…you don’t understand. I grew up in this shoddy little two-bed house with four other kids. My parents had to sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge so that we could have a girls’ bedroom and a boys’ bedroom. I don’t ever want to be that crowded again. I need my own space.”

“But I need you.” Robin’s voice sounded dangerously close to cracking. Dan wished he could see Robin’s face, but didn’t know if he’d be able to cope with what it revealed.

“I know, I know. Shit, look, I’m doing the best I can here. I’d sell my flat and buy somewhere down in Bath if that made sense, but you’ll be moving on soon enough, so I’m best off keeping my place in London. That’s where the work is. That’s where my friends are.”

“You’ve got friends on the canal.”

“Yeah, but I’ve only known them for a couple of months. I’ve got friends in London I’ve known for years. I can’t just up and leave them all.”

“Friends like this Tristan you’re going off with.” Robin’s voice had an ugly note.

“Yeah, Tris is a really good friend. Look, Robin, if you’ve got a problem about that, then you should just come out with it.”

“You used to shag him.”

“Now and again. It’s no big deal. You’re the one I’m seeing now. I’m not going to start sleeping around again.” Dan’s face grew hot as he remembered how close he’d come to that the previous night. His guilt burnt fierce and angry. “I thought we’d already been through all this shit. It’s not fair to keep dumping it on me.”

“Fuck! Look, I’m sorry.” Robin came back to the bed and sat heavily, his head in his hands. “I just want you around more. I want you to be there when I wake up in the mornings. I…I love spending time with you and I l-love you.”