Barefoot and Lost (57 page)

     ‘Glorr, will they be alright on their own, don’t you think it would be better if one of us went with them?’

     ‘Why Hope; for what reason?’

     ‘You know, a young man entering puberty that sort of thing, you know what I mean.’

     ‘
Hope
; you exasperate, me I am not even going to answer that; have a nice walk kids.’

     ‘You be very careful May.’

     ‘Yes Mum I always am.’

     ‘
Phil
, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.’

     ‘Be quiet
Jack
, this conversation is embarrassing enough without your twopenny worth’

    If
Hope
means what I think she means she can’t think much of me; that’s okay with me, I don’t like her either. Passing Stan he has a grin on his face, at first I think he is laughing at me and May, then he says, ‘Thanks mate the gaiters are great.’

    ‘
Okay
Stan
, I’m pleased you like them, thanks for the pliers.
’

     Defor is in his kennel with his head resting on his front paws. ‘Defor, come here boy.’ His ears twitch, his eyes open, his tail starts to thump the side of his kennel, as we get closer he comes to me and licks my hand. Defor sits as I remove the collar on his running leash and fit his brand new one, I can tell we are instant friends.

     ‘Sorry about my Mum, she is a frigging embarrassment and so bloody lazy, never does anything to help  The way she speaks is embarrassing in itself, she thinks she is a lady, if it wasn’t for Dad’s money she’d be nobody, you are so lucky to have ended up on Auntie Gloria’s doorstep and not ours.’

     ‘Yeah
, if I had of done I’d still be running, you wouldn’t believe that two sisters could be so different.’

     ‘My Mum takes after my Gran
dmother, she was just the same.
Auntie Gloria is just like my Granddad, he was lovely they are both dead now.’

     ‘All of my relations are dead, I keep getting fostered to people that say they love me and want to keep me, then something happens and I have to start all over again. I hope this is the last time because I really like it here,
Owen
and
Gloria
are the best I’ve had yet.’

     ‘I’m sure it will be,
Auntie
Gloria
thinks you are heavensent to fill the gap left by
Adam
.’

     ‘Who is
Adam
, you’re the second person to mention
Adam
today; who is, or was he?’

     ‘You don’t know; has nobody told you?’

     ‘Told me what?’

     ‘
Adam
was their youngest son; he was drowned five years ago when he was eight.
Jack
and he were in a boat, fishing somewhere near here, don’t remember the name of the place but the boat tipped over,
Jack
came to the surface but couldn’t find
Adam
, the water was too dark apparently.
Jack
kept diving but couldn’t find him, some men in another boat came and helped but without success. They had to stop
Jack
because he was exhausted; they were worried he would drown as well. The police found
Adam
an hour later, he was trapped in reeds.’

     ‘Oh hell, and
Gloria
thinks I’m
Adam
’s replacement, I was eight five years ago, she thinks I’m
Adam
come back.’

     ‘No she doesn’t, I heard her on the phone to Mum. She said, with Jack going away to college she would be at a loose end but, with you turning up it would be like having her son back; oh hell Phillip, I’m not explaining myself very well, please talk it over with Auntie Gloria.’

    ‘I will; I want them to want me for being me, not a replacement for a dead son.’

     Defor is walking on the leash, not pulling like Jet always did, and has shown no interest in the sheep we have passed. ‘May, do you mind if we go back, I have to talk to
Gloria
, I can’t get it out of my mind about
Adam
?’

     ‘Okay,
Uncle
Owen
said don’t walk Defor too far. Phillip
, I think it
would be best if you asked them about Adam when they are on their own, not in front of my mum, she will have to say something and it will probably be something stupid.’

     ‘You don’t think a lot of your mum, do you?’

     ‘No, not a lot, I know how you think about wanting people to like you for being you but, you see my mum refuses to accept me for being me, she wants, and tries so hard, to make me a girl.’

     ‘Well you are, aren’t you?’

     ‘I don’t mean that, I mean girly, pretty dresses, fancy hair do’s and make up, I don’t want to be like that, I’d sooner climb trees, play footy. Most girls want to grow up and become nurses or models, I don’t, I’d like to
be
an engineer or a fireman; you know not a fire’ ‘man, a fire fighter, but my mum won’t accept it. She even bought me bloody make up for Christmas, I’d sooner have had your stock whip.’

      ‘What about your dad, he doesn’t say a lot?’

      ‘Dad has no opinion, at home he prefers to let mum rattle on and do his own thing. At work he is different, I’m told he is a hard boss; he is also a member of the city council. For him, mum fills a role she is good at entertaining and that sort of thing.’

      ‘I have no idea what my dad was like, I was only five when he joined the navy and have not seen him since, I don’t even remember what he looked like.’

     ‘What not even have a photo of him?’

     ‘No we lost everything when we were bombed, at least I thought I had until Gran died and then suddenly a picture
of mum and dad at their wedding and one of Gran, appeared on my bedroom wall’

     ‘What like a magic lantern or a movie
?’

     ‘No silly,
June
must have found them in Gran’s things and put them on my wall to make me feel at home’

     ‘Why didn’t you bring them with you to
Australia
?’

     ‘Because I didn’t know I was coming here the whole lot was left behind in my bedroom at
Ha
stings
when I went to Banardos. T
here was also my gold medal for swimming, but we thought I was only going for six months so
I
didn’t bother to take any of them, instead I came here’

     ‘Oh
Phillip
I am so sorry it must be terrible to have nothing from your past.’

     ‘No need for you to be sorry, but thanks anyway. Come on, let’s go back and learn to crack that whip, I’ll talk to
Gloria
about
Adam
when you have gone home.’ We start to run, ‘Better slow down May, poor old Defor is limping.’

     ‘May, I have heard your dad call your mum
Helen
; I thought her name is
Hope
?’

     ‘It is he does that just to annoy. Her name really is
Helen
, but at school she was called
Hope
, which she prefers because it is unusual. You see, Mum and
Auntie
Gloria
’s maiden name was Landers, so, at school the kids referred to them as
Land
of
Hope
and Glory.’

     ‘I don’t get it, surely they were making fun of them what did it mean?’

     ‘You must know the song by
Elgar
?’ May then begins to sing Land of hope and glory mother of the free.’ I recognize the tune but neither of us knows the rest of the words so we both ‘lah, lah, lahlee lah, lah’ as we make our way home, both of us ending up in a fit of laughter.

     Defor is back in his kennel drinking from his new bowl;
Jack
is sitting on the tailgate of the Dodge smoking. ‘Ready to have a crack at that whip, every other bugger is asleep. That’s the trouble with Mums cooking, it is so good you eat too much and then can’t move afterwards.’

     ‘I’m ready; shall I go and get my whip?’

     ‘I’ve already got your whip here; I have fitted a cracker to it.’ I don’t like to ask what a cracker is, but I can see two short pieces of string with a knot at the end, tied to the end of the whip.
Jack
gives a demonstration, on the third attempt he gets the whip to crack, then succeeds in getting a double crack. I try but all I achieve is wrapping the whip around my head. May asks if she can have a go,
Jack
tells her to be very careful. She lays the whip out
on the ground in front of her then pulls it back sharply, it cracks behind her, now she throws it forward and it cracks in front, she succeeds in doing six cracks.
Jack
looks amazed, 

     ‘Where the hell did you learn to do that?’

     ‘Here, last summer, I think you were away at college,
Stan
taught me.’

     ‘Well in that case you had better teach
Phil
, I have never managed six consecutive cracks in my life, you’re a flaming expert.’

     I have enjoyed May’s company; she is funny, serious, and competitive. Whateve
r we did she had to be better
, almost as though she was trying to prove something, I suppose she is really, trying hard not to be a girly girl. Not only is she good at whip cracking she is a brilliant horse rider, and yesterday we were using Jack’s .22 rifle on targets and, once again, she was better than Jack. I have learnt a lot from her and can’t wait for her to come back at Easter. By then I will, I hope, be better at riding.
Stan
is teaching me and says I am doing well, just give it time. The only thing I was able to teach May was skipping. She was reluctant to try because, she said, it is what girls do, but when I showed her my fancy footwork she changed her mind.

     I have walked and fed Defor. Walking back to the house, in the gloom of the evening, I can see the glow of
Jack
’s cigarette as he puffs, sitting on the tailgate of t
he Dodge. ‘How’s it going young
en, what about the dog, has he settled in?’

     ‘Yeah
good thanks.’ Jack moves over and I sit beside him.

     ‘Want one of these?’ He says, offering me his pack of cigarettes.

     ‘No thanks, it is not something I ever wanted to do.’

     ‘Wish I hadn’t started, cost a bloody fortune and I‘m sure they can’t be good for you.’

     ‘
Jack
, can I ask you a question?’

     ‘Depends, if it is money you want then I am not your man.’

     ‘No, nothing like that; do you see me as a replacement for
Adam
?’ I can see he is taken aback he is looking at me as much as to say, what do you know about
Adam
.

     ‘Why, what have you heard, has mum said something about him?’

     ‘No, on Christmas day
Bill
mentioned him, so I asked May, she told me about him drowning.’

     ‘
Phil
, a year ago I couldn’t have talked about
Adam
, couldn’t even mention his name. Last summer, when May was here, I was getting treatment in
Melbourne
, not at college as she thought.’
Jack
draws on his cigarette; I can see he is deep in thought so I decide not to say anymore, not wanting to upset him. ‘Phil, no, I don’t see you as a replacement for my brother, what I see is a skinny, Pommy kid that has a lot of guts, is pleasant to be with
,
someone I am proud to know. The only connection I see between you and Adam is that I was able to assist in maybe saving your life, where as I was unable to do that with Adam, what about you how do you feel
,
do you feel like a replacement?’

     ‘I don’t know what to think, I love it here, I can’t remember ever being so happy, and I just want to be liked for being me that’s all.’

     ‘
Phil
, I think we should go inside and discuss it with Mum and Dad. This whole damn thing has been hidden away in the cupboard for far too long, but now I feel it should be in the open, everybody has avoided the issue to protect me, not anymore I want to talk.’