Barefoot (2 page)

She shook her head.

‘OK.’ He stood up, leant over and kissed her forehead lightly. ‘I’ll leave you something in the kitchen anyway. And I’ll check in on you in a couple of hours.’

When Toni next woke, it was about five in the morning. He obviously had been in again, because she found herself covered with a duvet. The pain was back with a vengeance and competed with her grumbling stomach. It was important to eat something before taking more painkillers she knew, so she sat up, cautiously. Her entire body had stiffened and it was hard to turn her head to one side.  

She made her way slowly down the two flights of stairs into the kitchen and switched on the light. A cheese sandwich sat on the granite worktop, with a chocolate muffin, both wrapped in clingfilm. Alongside was the bottle of painkillers and a Post-it note with a smiley face.

‘Sorry. Had to get back to London.

Love you.
Xx’

Her Border terrier Ben uncurled himself from his basket and padded over sleepily to see what was going on.

Toni bent to stroke him with her left hand and he licked her fingers gently, sensing something was wrong. His mother, Lily, raised her head, and then settled straight back down again to sleep. Nearly fourteen and arthritic, she clearly wasn’t going to waste precious energy.

Toni straightened up and poured herself a glass of milk, then fumbled with the bottle of painkillers until she managed to shake out two of them, unwrapped the clingfilm and began to eat.  At half-five she heard water running upstairs and knew it would be Arabella, who always got up before everyone else. Part of her wanted to avoid her mother, but the thought of trying to move quickly enough to get back up to the top storey of the house was too much, so she stayed at the kitchen table.

When Arabella walked into the kitchen she was obviously taken aback.

‘Oh, you’re up! You must be feeling better.’

Even for her this was insensitive.

‘I needed to take more painkillers,’ Toni said, between gritted teeth.

‘You can’t let pain defeat you.’ Arabella busied herself filling the kettle, then turned to face her daughter, not a trace of sympathy on her face. ‘In my experience.’

And that said it all. No one could tell her mother anything about pain. She crossed to the fridge for her milk, her heavy limp emphasising her point.

Arabella De Carteret.

She had been a rising event star, who lived her entire life to compete. The tack room was festooned with her rosettes, and photos of her jumping career lined the shelves.

Her name was everywhere Toni looked.

In her face.

It was on the sides of the horse lorries and etched on all the silver trophies she had won. On the back of the jackets the grooms wore, and on the biros littering the desk in her office.

No one could forget it. Arabella made sure of that.

And the end result was that Toni thought of her only as Arabella, rarely as mother, and certainly,
never as Mum.

Then Arabella had her accident and everything changed. Toni was only six when it happened - too young to completely understand, and it was a subject the grooms didn’t risk gossiping about, even now. What she did remember was, before the accident, horses had been fun. Arabella was too busy to notice or care what her daughter got up to, and Toni spent long happy hours with her New Forest pony, Buster.

But when her mother’s dreams disintegrated, she turned her attention to Toni instead.

Arabella added boiling water to her coffee and splashed in the milk. The kitchen had several expensive coffee-making devices, but she regarded them all as a waste of time.

‘I assume you won’t be seeing to Buster or Grace. I’ll ask Jen to do them for now.’ She pulled on the yard boots lying by the stable door. ‘But I can’t afford to spare her for long,’ she added, and picking up her coffee, she limped out.

Toni sat there for a while longer, wondering why she had expected anything different. Then she dragged herself back up two flights of stairs to the safety of her room to sleep again.

It was late afternoon when she finally surfaced through the fog of the painkillers. She was even stiffer now, and getting herself upright and swinging her legs over the side of the bed took a real effort of will.

She realised she was still wearing her jodhpurs and they were caked with mud. Her phone flashed on the bedside table and she reached across to check her messages, managing to knock over the glass of water at the same time.

‘Shit!’

She rescued her phone as quickly as she could and dried it on the pillow, watching the pool of water drip over the edge of the drawers and onto the floor.

The first message was from Lauren, wondering why she wasn’t at school.

Another from Lauren. Still wondering.

Toni began to text a reply, fumbling uselessly with her left hand, but soon gave up in frustration. She would call her later.  There was a voicemail from her father, letting her know he had to go away for a few days for work. Leaving me alone with Arabella, she thought bleakly. All she needed right now was a hug, and she certainly wasn’t going to get that from her mother.

She contemplated trying to get her jods off, but even the thought exhausted her and she decided not to bother. She pushed a foot into one of her trainers instead, then, realising she would need two hands to tie the laces, kicked the shoe off again in fury. It flew across the room and bounced off the wall opposite, and she fought back tears again, as an excruciating pain shot through her ribs.

Wellies didn’t have laces.

Toni hauled herself upright, using the bed to lean on, and edged slowly downstairs, noticing her back beginning to loosen up a little as she moved. She managed to pull on her boots and let herself outside and stood for a few moments feeling dazed.

It was only twenty-four hours since the accident, but it felt as if she had been in bed for days. She could hear Arabella barking out orders in the yard and decided to cut round the barn to avoid bumping into her.

As she passed the horse-walker, she surprised a groom who was leading two horses up from a field. The staff changed all the time and Toni hardly knew her, but the girl smiled sympathetically before hurrying on. There were twenty horses to catch and bring in, and rain was threatening.

Toni waited until they had gone, then picked her way through the haystore and into the lower barn. She passed Grace, barely acknowledging her, and on to the end stable on the right. Buster lifted his head in surprise, whinnying a welcome as she let herself in. She was overwhelmed with relief to see him and wrapping her good arm around his neck, Toni buried her head deep in his mane and finally allowed herself to cry.

An hour later, she was eating a microwaved lasagne by herself in front of the TV when Lauren rang.  ‘So why aren’t you answering my texts?’ her friend demanded to know.

Toni explained about the accident, including her mother’s fury.

‘She does have a point, I guess. I am going to miss out on the three-day event.’

‘Get a grip!’ Lauren loathed Arabella. ‘She’s a bitch and you know it.’

Toni could hear laughter and music in the background, a normal evening in a normal house where mothers gave you hugs and cooked supper. Her father loved to cook, and the two or three precious nights a week he was home, dinner was an event she looked forward to. The rest of the time it was just her and Arabella, and neither of them made an effort.

‘Tell me I’m wrong?’ Lauren prompted.

Toni couldn’t.

‘I bet she hasn’t once even asked how you’re doing.’

‘Not exactly,’ Toni admitted.

‘See, I knew it. She’s a cow! Listen, I’ve got to go. I’ll get Mum to drop me over on Saturday,’ Lauren promised.

Toni stared at the remains of the lasagne and blinked back her tears.

Saturday seemed a long way off.

*****
  
Two
   *****

The rest of the week passed painfully slowly.

‘Get your act together,’ Arabella snapped, when she found Toni still in pyjamas at lunchtime. ‘I’m sick of you moping around the house.’

I’ve got a broken wrist, collarbone and rib,
Toni wanted to scream.
What exactly do you expect me to do?

But of course she didn’t.

‘Put some clothes on, for Heaven’s sake.’ Her mother threw Lily the remains of her bacon sandwich and left.

Toni had no intention of getting dressed, agonising inch by inch, just to keep her mother happy. As soon as Arabella had gone, she snuck Ben upstairs, and in one small act of rebellion, allowed him up on the bed.

There was a large mirror on the end wall of her bedroom, and it was impossible to hide from how crap she looked. She hadn’t managed to have a shower for days. Her dark curly hair was greasy and her right eye swollen and purple.

Rest. That was what the doctor had said. So she rested. She read a novel and messaged her friends, then fell asleep and only woke when her father called to ask if she was looking after herself. Toni looked at the half-empty packet of cookies she was working her way through. ‘Sure,’ she lied.

He promised to be home on Friday night.

Only three more days.

She lay back down and slept again.

The following morning she was woken early by Ben whining and desperate to get out to pee. Toni sighed. ‘OK. You’ll have to give me ten minutes.’

He shot ahead of her downstairs and skidded across the polished wooden floor in the hall, then on into the kitchen to wait by the back door. Lily was less enthusiastic to join him. She opened sleepy eyes, but made no attempt to get up at all.

‘Come on, girl.’ Toni knelt and encouraged her, and the old dog finally struggled to her feet to follow them outside. Toni breathed in the fresh, sharp air, feeling glad to be out of the stuffy house. Spring was late and the fields were still frozen hard, even though it was nearly Easter.  Ben peed immediately and raced on ahead sniffing, but she slowed her pace to match Lily shuffling stiffly behind.

The ponies stood leaning against each other, Grace’s chestnut coat gleaming in the early morning sun. Toni headed on down the track to the cross-country course, knowing it was too icy for anyone to be out riding and she would have it to herself.

She wanted - no - she
needed
to see where the accident had happened. She slowed as she approached the drop at the bottom end and stopped to stand there for a few minutes, remembering calling her father.

Already it seemed such a long time ago.

By the time she retraced her steps, the sun was melting the frost and Buster and Grace had settled down to the serious business of grazing. The pain was back and demanding her attention, but she only had a few painkillers left and didn’t dare ask her mother to get more.

Only two more days, and her father would be back.

She could get through two more days.

It was half-seven on Friday before he made it home, laden with shopping bags full of food. ‘I hope you haven’t eaten.’ He dumped the bags on the table and kissed her.

Toni shook her head. ‘Only cereal. I was hoping you’d cook.’

‘Chicken curry, alright?’

She nodded happily.

He began to pull out the ingredients. ‘How are you managing?’