Barbarian's Mate (5 page)

I arrive in the main cave and see a male crouching by the big central fire pit, stoking the flames. Farli’s by the cave entrance with Chompy to take him for his morning walk, and she’s chatting with one of the hunters. Near the fire, Stacy’s leaning over it, her baby on her back, papoose-style. Over at the pool of water in the center of the cave, one of the hunters is bathing, his back to me. Nearby, Megan relaxes in the water, her big belly sticking out. Behind her, her mate has a comb and is brushing her hair for her. She looks as if she’s ready to pop, and I head over to say hello.

As I do, the hunter turns and pushes his big body out of the water, and I see that it’s Haeden.

Eeep.

I watch, transfixed, as he braces strong arms on the lip of the pool and hauls himself out of the water. There’s nothing but acres and acres of taut blue buns and a lashing tail before my eyes, and I’m half-worried and half-hoping he’ll turn around and I’ll get some full frontal action. The sa-khui live in close quarters and they’re not shy about their bodies. The bathing pool is in the center of the main portion of the cave and everyone uses it without a qualm to what they’re showing. When the humans first arrived, they were a bit more modest about things until we adjusted, but now, a year and a half in, and well, let’s just say I’ve seen more sausage than I would at a meat market. Not that I normally have a problem with this.

But today? Today it’s a problem…because when Haeden turns around and starts to dry his hair with a soft hide, I can’t stop staring at him like I’ve never seen dick before.

This is the first time I’ve ever seen Haeden naked and, well, he’s packing some serious heat. All of the sa-khui are equipped in a rather impressive way, but I think Haeden has the thickest dick I’ve ever seen. It’s rather magnificently broad, his balls heavy underneath the length of him that rests against his thigh. The sight of his substantial dick makes me ache deep in my belly, and my khui starts its needy thrumming. Haeden’s must be starting to thrum, too, because he looks up and our gazes meet.

And I feel oddly vulnerable, standing there, gawking at his naked bod. My mind wars with my body’s need to touch him. My hands itch with the need to brush over his skin and feel the velvet texture against the pads of my fingertips. Images of touching him all over move through my mind, and I have to fight the urge to rush over to him and tackle him to the cave floor.

This isn’t what I want.

I want a mate that loves me, not someone that can barely tolerate me. I can’t bring a baby into this world in any other way, no matter how badly I want to be a mother.

Legs stiff, I force myself to walk over to the pool and sit down. I smile, even though my mind is raging with thoughts of Haeden and not the couple in front of me. “Hi Megan, Cashol.”

J
o-see’s
stubbornness is infuriating. I watch as she settles in next to Cashol and his mate, ignoring the fact that I am present. I know she saw me - I watched her gaze move over my body with a hungry look. I know she’s as affected by the resonance as I am.

Stubborn female. Why does she insist on trying to fix things that cannot be changed? I would not have chosen Jo-see for my mate, and yet now it is clear to me that there is no one for me but her. The khui has decided, there is no more arguing to be done.

My chest sings an angry song of need, and I rub a hand over my breast, willing it to calm. My cock aches at her nearness, but I won’t approach her. She will have to come to me and tell me she is ready, and I must be patient, no matter how long it takes. Eventually, the resonance will become so strong she will be unable to resist its call. I must simply wait the endless nights and days until then.

And until then, I cannot linger in the cave.

I return to my cave – empty and lonely without her annoying presence – and dress quickly, then tie my hair back in a knot to keep it out of my face. I grab my spears and my sling. If I cannot slake the thirst of my body with my mate, I will put my energy toward hunting and feeding the tribe. The brutal season will be here in a few turns of the moon, and my mate’s belly will be full with my child and will need taking care of.

The image of Jo-see’s slight body, full with my child, fills me with a fierce pleasure and craving…and utter terror. She is fragile. What if she cannot carry my kit? What if the reason she has not resonated until now was that her khui was not strong enough? I grip my spear tightly and resist the urge to rush back to Jo-see’s side and push food into her small hand. She does not like my attention.

But I picture her as my mate again, curled in my furs, her belly round. My cock nearly spills in my loincloth and I lean heavily on my spear.

Never have I wanted anything as badly as this.

I must be patient. I must wait for her to acknowledge me as her mate.

Until then, I must remain busy.

I
hunt
with a ferocity that surprises all of the tribe.

Grim with the need to exhaust my body, I leave at dawn every morning and bring a sled, and when I return each night, it is full of fresh meat for the growing tribe. There are young, tender dvisti fawns, the hardier mothers with the thick hides that are so useful. There are delicate scythe-beaks with the feathers that the humans prize for their pillows. There are quill-beasts and two-fangs and snowcats, fish of all kinds, hoppers, and I even grab the sweet, reedy
hraku
plants that the human women are so fond of. All creatures land in my traps or fall prey to my spears. The other hunters marvel at my dedication.

I say nothing. The only reason I work myself as brutally as I do is because of the small human who holds my future in her hands.

Every night, I return to the cave exhausted in body. I return to my empty furs and feel the echo of my empty, empty cave around me. It fills me with a hollow ache to know that my mate would rather sleep in another’s cave than be in my presence.

She is not like Zalah
, I tell myself.
Be patient. Give her time
.

So I do. I stroke my cock until I come, and it fills me with less satisfaction each and every time. My khui’s song is an angry protest at my self-pleasure, but Jo-see is nowhere to be found and my body craves release. When I fall to sleep, I dream of her and our kit. On good nights, the dreams are happy. On bad nights, I dream that they die and are lost to me.

As time goes on, there are more bad nights than good.

So I hunt even more. I stay out of the caves later every day, until the twin moons are high in the night sky. I would leave for several days if it would help, but I must be near her. My khui will not accept any less. I must see her, even if only to watch her turn away from me.

I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. And as the days crawl past, I hope that something will change, soon.

W
eeks
Later

“
Y
ou look
like a sick hopper on its last legs,” Aehako teases me one morning as I sharpen my spear.

I glare at him, not welcoming the company. “You should find your mate and chatter in her ear, not mine.”

He just grins, sharpening his own spear point as if I did not just snarl at him. Aehako is a male who is bothered by very little, and sometimes I envy him. It seems as if everything bothers me lately.

“You should eat something,” Aehako says easily. “You are nothing but a tail and skinny legs. That’s not the way to please your mate.”

I snort and concentrate on my spear. There is very little that pleases my mate. Just thinking about her fills me with a gnawing need, and I have to fight the urge to press my head into my hands.

I am tired. Tired, and ill, and full of unfulfilled need. It has been nearly a full turn of the big moon since my breast resonated to Jo-see, and still she denies our bond. My body feels sick and aching and there are times that I must lie flat simply to catch my breath. My khui is making me ill because I am denying its wants.

But I have no choice. Jo-see has not relented. When I am in the cave, she ignores me or leaves the room. My attempts to talk to her are shut down with a few bitter words. For the most part, I try to ignore her, because being around her and not touching her makes things worse.

Something will have to change soon. If I am struggling, how must Jo-see feel?

Patience
, I tell myself again.
She will come to you soon. You must wait it out.
But I think of the haunting dreams of last night, of Jo-see dying to khui-sickness, her belly flat, her eyes dull. A shudder racks me.

Aehako’s hand falls on my shoulder.

I jerk away, surprised.

He looks equally surprised at my reaction. “Haeden, my friend…I worry about you.” His normally laughing face is solemn. “You cannot keep hunting like this. Something will happen and you will fall, or trip on your spear. I worry you’re going to get hurt. You need to talk to the stubborn female and make her realize that you cannot win against a khui.”

I start to sharpen my spear again, though my hands are shaking. “The decision is in her hands.”

He snorts. “There is no decision. The khui has made its choice.”

Ah, but it is so simple for him. His mate adores him and they have a fat, healthy kit. My mate? She loathes the sight of me. She would walk away and never look at my face again and be glad of it. And the realization of this fills me with such gnawing sadness that I put my blade down and hang my head.

Was there ever a male discarded by two mates? I am the most unlucky of them all. I sigh, thinking of Jo-see’s smiles…the ones she never has for me. A wistful ache blooms in my chest. “I want her. I want her to want me. Is that so unreasonable?”

Aehako squeezes my shoulder again. “Talk to her again. Make her see reason.”

I nod and put my spear down. My hands are still trembling as if I am ancient and weak. There will be no hunt for me today; Aehako is right. I would fall into my own pit trap or trip over my own spear. “She does not want to talk to me,” I tell him. “She loathes me.”

“Talk to her anyhow,” Aehako says bluntly. “Make her see reason. Both of you are sick with resonance. It will not end until you give in. Surely she has enough sense to realize that.”

I want to snarl at him. Jo-see is smart. Of course she’s smart. She just…hates me. I am the part she cannot come to terms with. But I nod. His words have decided me.
Both of you are sick with resonance.

I will gladly suffer on my own, but the thought of my mate in pain? Suffering as I do? It fills me with misery. I do not want that for her. So I heave myself to my feet and go to find her.

The privacy screen is up on Salukh’s cave, so I do not head there. I can hear the soft noises of mating and cannot imagine they would be so loud with Jo-see asleep in her furs a few paces away. She must be sleeping elsewhere. The thought fills me with vague unease and I check into several occupied caves with their screens down, earning me a few confused and sleepy looks from tribes’ mates. No Jo-see.

There’s a storage cave near the hunter caves, small and cluttered with food and goods. Surely she did not squeeze into the storage cave rather than sleep in the same cave as me? But when I enter it and see a small bundle of furs wrapped around a small human form in the corner, I feel my chest squeeze with misery. She does not look comfortable. Is this all that she can claim as a home now? All because she has been placed with me?

It…does not feel right.

I rub my chest as my khui begins to hum in her presence. “Jo-see,” I call out.

The furs shift but she doesn’t wake up.

Irritation flashes through me and I move to her side. She cannot ignore me forever. I kneel next to the furs and rip them back. “Wake. We must talk.”

Her eyelashes flutter and she lifts one weak arm to reach for the blankets. “Stop it.”

My heart clenches with fear at the sight of her. This isn’t Jo-see. This isn’t the bright-eyed female with the tart tongue. This female has sunken eyes and is thinner than she should be. She looks tired, and when she tries to reach for the blankets, her movements are sluggish.

I have done this to her.

My heart sinks. “Jo-see?”

“Go away,” she breathes, averting her face from mine. “I don’t want to see you.”

I touch her cheek before she can push my hand away. I am filled with longing, an aching need that will never be fulfilled. She will never be my mate. She will never let me claim her. She will never accept me into her arms and let me fill her belly with our child.

Those things will not be mine.

I realize this now and I am filled with a sense of loss greater than when I awoke and my khui was silent. My breast hums now with resonance, but the song is desperate and sad, and Jo-see’s answering song does not make me feel better.

She would rather live in misery than take me as her mate. We cannot continue on like this. I will endure whatever I must, but the sight of her in so much pain fills me with agony.

She is my mate; it is my job to take care of her and to keep her safe, even if it is from me. I touch her cheek again and ignore how she tries to bat my hand away. Her skin is soft, and my entire body aches with the need to claim her.

But I will not. She does not wish to be mine. “You are making yourself sick, Jo-see. If you will not take me as your mate…I will take you to the Elders’ Cave.”

Her eyes flutter open and she looks at me in tired surprise. “You will? To get our khuis removed?”

I nod. I will not get mine removed. To do so seems wrong. But if she gets hers removed, she will no longer suffer, and that is what I want. “We will do as you ask. I cannot bear to see you suffer any more.”

A small smile touches her mouth and she clasps my arm. “Thank you, Haeden. Thank you so much.”

I nod. What else can I do? I can refuse her nothing, it seems.

My khui sings a sad, sad song in response.

T
wo Days
Later

“
H
o
,” I call out as we approach the entrance of the Elders’ Cave. I feel a mixture of emotions at the oval, snow-covered dome of the cave. I am pleased that soon, Jo-see will be out of her pain, but mine will just be beginning.

I am about to lose my mate once more.

“Do you think they’re here?” Jo-see asks at my side. Her hand rests on my arm. She is tired, but her eyes are bright once more, and she is not as thin as she was two days ago. Jo-see has not been eating much with the resonance attacking her body, and I have been forcing regular meals into her as part of our deal. I will take her to the Elders’ Cave to see the
sur-jer-ee ma-sheen
and she will eat. She no longer looks as if she is withering away, but I still worry over her.

I will always worry over her. No matter what she thinks, she is mine. I rub my chest. “They will be here. Rukh does not like to live with the tribe. They are too noisy.” Vektal said that during the brutal season, they moved back with everyone else, but when the weather cleared for the bitter season, they left immediately. I understand Rukh’s reluctance to be around others. Sometimes I wish they would all go away, as well.

“I hope the ma-sheen is fixed,” she tells me. “I don’t think I can stand it if it’s still broken. If we’re stuck.”

Her hope makes my heart ache even more. I pat her hand. “There will be an answer for us inside, one way or another.”

We enter the cave and Jo-see holds onto my arm as we move up the sloping ramp. My khui rumbles a pleased response, and I only rub my chest harder. She bends over to undo her snow-shoes and I take over the task - she is tired. “Rest. I have this.”

“Thanks,” she murmurs, and stands still as I remove them from her boots. “I appreciate this, you know.”

I grunt. The only reason I do this is because I cannot bear to see her grow sicker. There is no other reason. If it were up to me, I would have her on the floor with her legs spread…and the thought alone makes my cock ache unbearably. I ignore it as best I can and straighten.

Feet stomp down one of the hallways of the Elders’ Cave and then Rukh appears. He puts a finger to his lips, indicating silence, and in his arms is a blanket-covered bundle, fast asleep.

Jo-see’s eyes light up at the sight and she clasps her hands. “Is Rukhar asleep? Can I hold him?”

Rukh nods and offers her the kit, looking at us curiously. He’s a big, burly male with sharp features and looks very much like Raahosh, if Raahosh were not scarred and ugly from an old hunt gone wrong. He studies us. “Why you here, friends? Is bad news?” His speech is rough, but has come a long way in the moons since he returned to the tribe.

“No bad news.” I look over at Jo-see. She’s gazing down at the kit with an adoring look and it makes me ache even more to think she will never hold our kit like this. My khui rumbles loudly in my chest, and hers answers.

Rukh immediately tenses, alert. “Is—“

“Resonance,” I say abruptly. “She wants the
sur-jree ma-sheen
to fix it.”

Rukh scowls. “Nothing change resonance. It final.”

I agree, but I will let Jo-see speak.

“We’re going to get our khuis removed,” she says, happiness in her voice. “If it’s not there any longer, then we can’t resonate to each other. We’ll get them removed and put in new ones.”

Rukh looks at me as if to say, why do you agree to this?

I scowl at him. Jo-see is not stupid. I do not agree with what she wants, but I will not let him stop her. I feel the overwhelming urge to step in front of her, to protect her from Rukh’s disapproval. “Just show us the ma-sheen.”

The kit in Jo-see’s arms hiccups and makes a fussy noise, and she makes a soothing sound and begins to rock it. “Not so loud, both of you.”

Rukh throws his hands up, as if giving up. “Follow.”

I put a hand on Jo-see’s back protectively, and because I’m shaking with the need to touch her. She allows it, and my khui sings loudly in my chest at this touch. It wants more. I want more…but it cannot be.

Rukh leads us deeper into the Elders’ Cave, and I realize that every time I come here, it looks less like a cave and more like the strange square made of rock that the humans arrived in. They said it was a ship, and as lights blink in the walls and strange squares and ovals dot the walls and flash, I feel uneasy. How Rukh can live here amongst this strangeness, I do not understand. His mate would follow him anywhere. Why they choose to stay here I do not grasp.

The kit makes another unhappy noise and then begins to cry. A moment later, a human female appears, extending her arms. “Feeding time. Hi Jo, hi Haeden.” Har-loh is a strange looking human, with hair the color of flame and specks all over her belly-pale skin, but she smiles at the sight of us as she takes her kit from Jo-see’s arms. “What are you two doing here?”

“They resonate,” Rukh says.

Her eyes go wide and she looks at us. Her gaze moves quickly over me and then lingers on Jo-see. “Oh no. Jo!” Her voice is full of sympathy.

I scowl darkly. Does everyone think I am cruel to her? “Tell them your plan, Jo-see.” I rub my chest again, trying to silence my humming khui.

Jo-see follows Har-loh into the next room, chattering in that bright, lively voice of hers about her plan. Har-loh puts her kit under her tunic and feeds it as they talk, and I lean against one of the long tables set out in the room and watch my mate. I pay no attention to what they say, because I do not like the plan.

But I cannot stop watching her. It fills me with pleasure to see her smile, to see her eyes light up with enthusiasm. She tucks a strand of her soft hair behind a tiny ear and my fingers twitch with the need to touch her mane. Her hands move as she talks to Har-loh and her gestures are fluid and graceful. She would be a wonderful mate.

I rub my chest again, frowning in the direction of the women.

Jo-see looks over and sees my scowl and flinches.

Her reaction only makes me scowl harder.

“So that’s why we’re here,” Jo-see says. “If we can remove our khuis, then we can get rid of the resonance. That’s why Haeden was able to resonate to me - his old one that chose his last mate is gone.”

“It is wrong,” Rukh says, looking over at me as if daring me to disagree.

“I will do what Jo-see wants,” I say flatly and am rewarded with a brilliant smile from my mate. My khui hums louder with pleasure, unaware of what we discuss.

“It’s not our decision to make, Rukh,” Har-loh says in a sweet voice. Her wide-eyed gaze flicks between me and Jo-see. “I wish I could help, but the ma-sheen is still broken.”

Jo-see’s face falls with disappointment. “W-what?”

I stagger with relief. My hands clench into fists at my side. Jo-see’s sadness is terrible to see, but my own joy is nearly overwhelming me. She cannot un-choose me.

She will remain
mine
.

“Look,” Harlow says, pulling out a panel in the medical bay. “I can fix a lot of stuff, but I’ve been working on this particular beast for a long time and I’m not getting anywhere.” She holds a square out to me and then pulls out a second. “These are supposed to be identical.”

I compare the one in my hands to the one in her hand. It’s charred in a few spots and the middle looks a bit like melted frosting. All the tiny, glittering components have melted together and smooshed into a silvery mess. Disappointment flares inside me. “This isn’t an easy fix, is it?”

“Nope. I don’t even know how they made these particular parts, so replacing them - if we can even replace them - is going to be a real bitch.” She slides her square back into the wall and then carefully takes the panel from me and replaces it. “I’m not giving up, but it’s going to take time.”

Time’s something I feel like I don’t have. I fight back tears of frustration. “How long? Weeks? Months?” Just the thought of holding out for a few more months makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.

The look Harlow gives me is sympathetic. “Maybe longer, girl. I don’t know. I try to do what I can but this is alien technology. If I can’t plug part A into slot B, I might not be able to do anything. What I can do is pretty basic. And my time to work on things is limited, between Rukh and Rukhar, and day to day chores. There’s not a ton of time to fiddle with machines, no matter how much I want to.”

She’s right. Of course she’s right. There’s so many additional chores to daily living that they eat up a lot of day. You can’t just buy a new shirt from a store - you have to hunt the animal, cure the leather, cut it and sew it before you can wear it. Everything on Not-Hoth takes six steps instead of one, and it eats up the day. I know Harlow’s trying, but the thought of waiting months or longer? I can’t. I don’t have that time.

I put a hand on my forehead, trying to think. I can hear Rukh and Haeden talking quietly in the next room - I know they’re close because my cootie is purring madly. It won’t stop.

There’s only one way to make things stop if I can’t get my cootie out of me. Unease clenches my stomach. Sex with Haeden.

Sex with someone that hates me. Ugh.

I’ve had bad sex in the past. I’ve been abused by foster parents, raped by aliens, and gone on terrible dates where things got out of hand. I’ve made bad choices and I’ve had others’ bad choices thrust on me. I’ve survived it all. I can live if I have awful, unpleasant, unwanted sex again.

But the thought of bringing a child into this? It feels so wrong.

I’m trapped. I don’t know what to do.

“I’m sorry,” Harlow says. Her hand touches mine. “I really do wish I could help.”

“It’s okay. I’ll think of something.” I don’t know what, but there’s got to be a way out of this.

I
retreat
to one of the old rooms of the ship, just to get away from the others. Harlow’s busy with the baby and a jigsaw of components, and Rukh and Haeden are preparing food near the fire. I don’t feel like talking or holding the baby - for once - so I hide away where I can have some time to myself to think.

The back of the ship isn’t in use. Harlow and Rukh stay to the front, and the sa-khui never go exploring deep into the bowels. They don’t trust the ship, especially since the ‘walls’ (doors) started opening and revealing new passages. I head down one of these now, climbing up a pair of metal stairs that have withstood the test of time and moving down a narrow hall. The floor is pitted with holes and weak in some spots, wires and cables hanging from the ceiling. There’s a chilly breeze moving through the air that tells me the hull has been breached somewhere close by. But it’s quiet, and it’s private.

It’s also eerie.

There are traces that people used to live here - a forgotten scrap of clothing that’s nearly rotted away. An old circular canister whose meaning I can’t decipher. Something that looks like it was once a child’s toy. I touch nothing, feeling the need to exist here without disturbing things. I don’t want to dig up the past, I just want to make sense of the chaos in my head.

I sit on the edge of a hard cot that juts from one of the metal walls. If there was ever a mattress here, it’s long rotted away. There is debris and a bit of dirt in the corners of the oversized square, and I run my gloved hand over it before lying down and staring up at the ceiling. There are cracks that let the light in, and a large chunk of black metal looks as if it’s about to fall inward, but I don’t move.

If fate’s going to dick me over, well, it can’t be any worse than it is right now.

Haeden’s my mate. I taste the words on my tongue and find I still can’t reconcile myself to them. I’ve been sick for nearly a month now due to fighting my cootie, and I’m so tired. So exhausted in both mind and body. The cootie won’t let me rest. I’m constantly twitching and aware - even in my sleep - and I can’t relax. My pussy aches, something I’ve never really experienced before. Not the ache of abuse but a deep down, empty, gnawing ache as if I need to be filled.

According to the cootie, I guess I do. I need to be filled first by Haeden, and then by the baby he’s going to leave inside me. Wordless frustration spirals through me, but I force it back.

I’ve already had my night of tears. I won’t let myself have more. I need a solution. So I lie back and think of options.

I…really don’t have any.

I’ve tried denying my cootie. I’ve been doing that for the last month, and it’s gotten me nowhere but exhausted and wrung-out. On some days, I don’t feel strong enough to get out of bed. I can’t go on like this forever. So that’s a big X.

I can’t get my cootie out of my chest safely. Not without the surgery machine, which is currently busted. So that’s not an option.

I could…kill Haeden.

I giggle a little wickedly at the thought. Okay, I totally couldn’t kill Haeden. Not only is he stronger than me, I would never be able to live with myself if I harmed another person. I’m not like that. And I don’t hate him. I just hate being attached to him.

What option does that leave?

Just one, I’m afraid.

I swallow hard, thinking about being mated to Haeden. One night of unpleasant sex with a man that scorns me and makes me feel like less? I could live through it. I don’t want it, of course, but I’ve had worse and I’ve lived through it. It’s what comes next that scares me.

There’s a big plus to giving in. A baby. I hug my arms to my chest and imagine my belly filled with a new life. I imagine a baby of my own to cuddle and love. My heart aches with want. I’d love a child. I’d love one so badly. All my life, there’s never been anyone or anything that’s loved me unconditionally. I was tossed from foster home to foster home for as long as I could remember, and I’ve never had a pet. A child as sweet as Liz’s chubby Raashel would be amazing. I’d even take a little crankmonster like Harlow’s Rukhar, because when he gives that droopy baby smile, you feel like your entire world brightens.

A baby. My cootie wants me to have a baby. Tears threaten to come to my eyes, and I feel a surge of want and love so strong that my cootie immediately starts purring, no doubt thinking Haeden is in the room.