Banishing Shadows (7 page)

“Drink this.”

The hated juice was held to her mouth and she was given no choice but to swallow.

“Drink it all.”

Her anxiety eased.

“I’m sorry, I can’t talk about it. I can’t.”

“Okay.” He rubbed her hands. “Okay. I’ll let it go. For now. But, honey, you can’t go on this way. You have to let someone in. Let someone help you. Lean on me. I can handle it.”

Of that she had no doubt. He could handle anything.

But Kayla couldn’t afford to rely on him, to open herself up to him. Not if she wanted to protect her heart.

* * * * *

“You must have better things to do than chauffeur me around,” Kayla complained as she followed Cord into her apartment. She stood just inside the door as he moved through the rooms, searching for intruders.

“Don’t forget to look in the fridge,” she called out sarcastically.

For the last three nights Cord had slept on her short sofa without complaining once. He drove her to and from work. Even at work, he stuck close, leaving only for short periods when he knew one of her brothers would be around. The rest of the time he spent in her office, on the computer or phone.

It was driving her insane.

Kayla hadn’t realized how hard it would be to have Cord around. She’d tried ignoring him, tried being rude, tried to treat this like a business arrangement. None of it dulled the reaction of her body. What had started as a wary attraction was quickly growing. The more time she spent with him, the more she thought about touching him, caressing him.

Sometimes her thoughts induced a mild panic. Most of the time though, they just led to her being hot and frustrated—horny with no release. Of all the men she could possibly desire, why did it have to be one who didn’t want her?

Although there were times when she thought he might—times when she caught him watching her. Perhaps it was her imagination. Maybe she was projecting her feelings, making herself see things that weren’t there.

But there was no denying that Cord bypassed her fears, heating her blood, making her dream of things she really, really shouldn’t.

She had no intention of acting on her feelings, of course. Checking out his hot body was one thing. Sleeping with him was another. And that was assuming he’d even want her.

He’d hurt her.

He was arrogant, bossy—everything she didn’t want in a man—not anymore.

And she was scared she’d panic if she tried to sleep with him. Worried what had happened to her would color any sexual experience and she’d end up embarrassed, frightened and hurting them both.

Yet despite all these reasons she had not to sleep with him, she still wanted him.

“Nothing is more important than your safety, Kayla.”

She sat, closing her eyes in exhaustion. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept properly. It seemed as though every time she fell into a deep sleep, nightmares plagued her. So she dozed, waking each morning even more irritable than the last.

“Don’t you need to get a job?” she snapped.

“I have a job.”

“Yeah, well, I won’t need a bodyguard forever.” She didn’t think she needed one now. Nothing had happened since she was attacked at The Rusty Hammer.

“What do you feel like for dinner?” he asked.

“I’m going to take a bath. I don’t want any dinner.” Her stomach was tied in knots and she was pretty sure she’d puke if she tried to eat.

Thirty minutes later she exited the bathroom and the delightful smell of food made her a liar as her stomach rumbled. Chinese, her biggest weakness.

“Ahh, good, here you go.” He handed her a plate piled high with food. She gazed at it in dismay.

“You know, this is a lot more than I could ever eat.”

He frowned at her as they both sat. “You don’t eat enough. You’re not dieting, are you?”

“No.”

“Good,” he replied firmly. “Because you’re too thin as it is. You need every bite of that food.”

She scowled at him. “You’re damn bossy, you know that?”

“Yep,” he replied almost cheerfully.

“I’m a grown woman, Cord. I can decide how much I want to eat.”

“Is there some reason you’re trying to pick a fight with me, Kayla?”

She opened her mouth to deny it when she realized she
had
been trying to prick his temper. Why?

Because she was tired, grumpy and horny.

“Sorry,” she muttered.

She ate in silence, pushing back her plate when it was half-empty.

“Go lie on the sofa for a bit,” he ordered. “I’ll tidy up.”

She should protest. He was making himself at home far too easily. But she was feeling pleasantly full and drowsy, and lying on the sofa while someone else cleaned up sounded like bliss.

Ten minutes later he lifted her legs so he could sit beside her, drawing her feet onto his lap. She didn’t have the energy to argue. As he rubbed her arches, she let out a whimper of joy.

“Why didn’t you go back to your old job?” he asked.

“Why’d you leave the army?” she replied, opening her eyes to peer up at him.

His face was thoughtful. “I was getting restless, bored. I’d had enough. It was never going to be a long-term career for me.”

“Why’d you join in the first place then?”

“Because Jed did.”

She screwed up her nose. “And that’s the only reason?”

His face went blank and for a moment she didn’t think he was going to answer her.

“And to learn some discipline.”

She sat up, surprised. “Why would you need discipline?”

“Because of where I came from.”

She frowned. “What? L.A.?” She knew he’d lived there before moving here.

“No, baby.” He smiled, although no humor lit his eyes. “Because of my father. Good old Dad was an alcoholic, and a real bastard with it. He had a horrid temper. He was violent and mean. I entered the army searching for the discipline I needed to ensure I never ended up like him.”

“Did he… Was he… Did he ever hit you?”

“Me? No. Not really.”

She didn’t like the way he said that. Kayla grabbed his hand with hers, offering him what comfort she could.

“Your mom?”

He shrugged. “She bore the brunt of it.”

Dear God, how had she never known this? She would never have guessed. He seemed so, well, together—so tough and strong, as though nothing and no one could ever harm him. “I’m so sorry, that’s awful. I can’t even imagine. I can remember Jed talking about your mom, but never your dad.”

“That’s because Jed never knew my dad. We moved here from L.A. after Dad landed himself in jail.”

She placed her head on his chest and thought he relaxed slightly beneath her.

“Was he arrested for hitting your mom?”

He snorted. “No. He was out drinking when he took exception to something some guy said. So Dad beat him up. He had a really heavy fist. He was arrested for assault and he had priors. Mom moved us here as soon as he went into jail. I never saw him again. Bastard found out he had liver cancer while he was locked away. Didn’t take him long to die. And it got him out of our lives for good.”

“How is your mom now?”

“Once we got away from him she turned into a different person. She laughed. She had fun. She lives down the coast now. She even met a man a few years ago. Nice guy. They live together.”

“Oh, that’s nice.”

“Yeah, she lived a hard life with an absolute bastard. I didn’t think she’d ever trust a man again, but Gavin wouldn’t take no for an answer. He chipped away until he won her love.”

“She must have been scared. To trust a man again.” Kayla knew how terrifying it was to be attacked by strangers. But to be abused by someone who was supposed to love and care about you… His mom must be a very strong woman.

“Yeah, she was. When we came here, we were running. But when we learned he was dying, well, we could actually start a new life. Yet there was a part of me, even as a boy, that was always worried that I’d end up like him, you know? So when Jed said he was going into the military I figured I’d follow.”

“Jed always wanted to go into the military.”

“I know. He’s good at it too. But while I appreciate the skills and the control the military taught me, it’s not the life I want anymore. I want a home.”

Pity for that little boy had her blinking back tears. He should have been busy thinking up mischief, not worrying about ending up like a monster. “You could never be like him, like your dad. You’re not a violent man.”

“I can be a real bastard at times.”

“Granted.” She smiled. “But you’d never hurt someone, never hit them. You’d never hit me.”

“How do you know? When I saw that asshole attacking you in the parking lot I was possessed by a blinding rage. I wanted to kill him. If that van hadn’t come flying toward you I may never have stopped. And don’t think I don’t dream of harming the lowlifes who attacked you four months ago.”

Shivering, memories of groping, bruising hands, of hot breath against her skin, helplessness and terror assailed her. She swallowed, pushing it back so she could concentrate on Cord.

“But you didn’t. You stopped to protect me. If someone was threatening you, I’d want to tear their balls off. Doesn’t mean I’m going to turn abusive.”

“Honey, you couldn’t hurt a fly.”

His thumb ran over her mouth, leaving tingles of heat.

“Wanna bet?” she asked, her voice a little breathless. “I’m capable of violence, same as you. But I wouldn’t abuse someone, I wouldn’t harm an innocent. You are not a bad person, Cord. You are not like your father.”

He stared at her. “You sound really sure of that.”

“I am,” she replied huskily. He placed his hand on her thigh, massaging. Her clit pulsed, reacting to his closeness. She leaned toward him, seeking his touch. A strange look crossed his face as if he were in pain.

“Want to watch a movie before you go to bed?”

Kayla quickly pulled back, berating herself. She couldn’t afford to get close to him. His touch did something to her brain, scrambling all her common sense. She shook her head.

“No, no thanks,” she said, standing. “I’m tired. I’m going to bed now.”

Kayla beat a hasty retreat. But the feel of his touch lingered and it was a long, long time before she drifted off.

Chapter Three

Fear-filled moans woke him—so quiet at first that Cord thought he’d imagined them. But then he heard them again. Rolling off the sofa, he moved into the bedroom. Kayla thrashed around on the bed, obviously caught in the grasp of a nightmare.

“No, no, please.” The quiet, frightened entreaty pierced something solid and cold inside him. A loud cry filled with pain and terror further widened the crack.

Time to put a stop to this before he completely broke apart.

“Wake up, Kayla.” Cord shook her, alarmed as her trembling increased, her legs kicking out at an imagined assailant. Her breath was sawing in and out as though she couldn’t get enough air into her lungs.

“God, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me. Pleaassse.” The last word was a scream that had him shattering into a million tiny pieces.

“Kayla, wake up now!” His voice held zero flexibility. This nightmare would
not
continue. Shaking her harder, he sighed with relief when her eyes opened. She shuddered and he pulled her tight against him, crooning to her. Meaningless words, but they seemed to have some effect as her shaking eased, sobs ceasing to rack her delicate body.

“That’s it, baby. Come back to me now.”

He loosened his hold, but as soon as he did the trembling returned. Clasping her close again, he surrounded her with his body, sheltering her.

He brushed his hand down her face. She felt fragile, delicate, and he knew a harsh touch could easily bruise her. Yet she let him hold her when she was so vulnerable. Her trust humbled him. He only hoped he wouldn’t let her down.

Gradually she calmed. He moved, shifting off the bed.

“Don’t go,” she mumbled, opening her eyes to stare at him.

“I’m not, baby. I’ll be right back, I promise.”

When he returned, her gaze met his and she visibly relaxed. He ran a wet cloth over her face, sweeping her hair from her sweat-coated brow.

She sighed when he ran the cloth over her neck, cooling her overheated skin.

“I’m sorry.”

“Shh,” he soothed. “Just go back to sleep.”

“They get me when I’m asleep.” The sound of her lost voice broke him. Lying beside her, he pulled her close.

“They won’t get by me, I promise.” Placing a kiss on her forehead, he held her tight.

Cord confused her. He could be a hard man, controlling and cold. Yet more and more he was showing this other side to him, where he could be so tender, so caring that she felt herself being drawn to him as if he were shelter in the storm. He was fast becoming her sanctuary.

The mattress shifted beneath her as he moved. A soft kiss landed on her forehead. Kayla opened her eyes as Cord turned away. Reaching out, she grabbed his hand.

“Where you going?” she asked.

“To sleep on the couch.”

She tugged. “Sleep with me.”

“You sure?”

Kayla nodded. “Please, I’ll feel safer.” She waited until he’d positioned himself on his back before scooting up against his side, cuddling into his warmth. Cord lifted his arm and she laid her head against his chest.

“Sleep,” he ordered gruffly.

Secure in his arms, she did.

* * * * *

She awoke disoriented. Something moved behind her and she stiffened, rolling quickly, her hands coming up in defense.

“Whoa, Kayla, it’s okay, it’s just me, Cord.”

She took a deep breath, trying to slow her heartbeat. Blinking, she cleared her eyes to peer blurrily at the man lying in her bed.

“Morning, sweetheart,” Cord murmured. “Okay now?” He lay still, looking at her calmly.

“Sorry,” she gasped. “I got a fright. What are you doing in my bed?” Her heart sped up again. For an entirely different reason.

He raised a brow. “You asked me to stay. Remember?”

Blushing, she recalled pulling him back into bed with her.

“Umm, sorry about that.” She attempted to shuffle backward, needing to get away from the temptation of his body. But he raised his hand and brushed away an errant piece of hair before cupping her cheek. He was gorgeous, tousled. She wondered if she’d ever seen him this relaxed before.

Warmth unfurled in her stomach with his touch. Lying here in bed beside his hard body, his scent surrounding her, tempting her to touch and taste, well, it was more than she could resist.

Giving in to pressing need, she leaned forward and placed a kiss on his firm chest, delighted as she heard him take a deep breath.

“Kay—” he began.

“Hush,” she interrupted him. “I want to touch you. Can I touch you, please?”

In reply, he rolled onto his back and nodded.

Kayla drew in a deep breath and gazed at the splendor before her.

Running a hand over his chest, she marveled at the smooth feel of his skin, the heat of him almost scorching her hand. She rubbed his nipple with her thumb, her mouth watering as she gave in to the craving and sealed her lips over him, flicking the nub with her tongue.

Kissing her way up his chest, Kayla was entranced by his wide shoulders, his collarbone, the long expanse of his neck.

Cord lay still throughout her exploration, letting her do as she wished.

It made her want him more.

It made her trust him more.

The slight stubble on his jaw scratched her lips. He shivered and she smiled as she kissed down his cheek until she reached the corner of his mouth.

She placed small, delicate kisses over his lips before pulling back, frowning in frustration. He stared up at her with glazed eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“Can you… Will you kiss me?”

His lips curved into a small smile.

“Anytime. Anywhere.”

This time when her lips met his, they parted. Her tongue swept inside and the stream of desire for him flowing through her body became a torrent.

Overcome by need, she reached down to caress his chest and shoulders. His hand grabbed hers and she stared at him, perplexed.

“What’s wrong?” she asked huskily.

“Nothing. Nothing at all. I just want to be sure you know what you’re doing. This has to be something you really want and I’m not sure you’re ready for where this is going.”

She leaned back, breaking his hold, reality seeping in. What was she doing? She wasn’t ready for sex, was she? She was doing the one thing she’d told herself not to, throwing herself at him.

Kayla curled into herself, feeling embarrassed, confused. What did she want? She longed to touch him yet she wasn’t ready for sex. Was she?

“Kayla, look at me.”

She shook her head.

“Look at me.” His voice deepened, became an order she couldn’t refuse.

“What’s going through that pretty head of yours, hmm?” he asked as he ran a finger down her cheek.

“Rejected again,” she muttered before she could stop herself.

“No, no, God, no. This is not me rejecting you. Kayla, I swear, every fiber of my being wanted to continue, wanted to fuck you until neither of us could breathe. And I would have, if I thought you were truly ready for this, if I thought you’d still let me touch you tomorrow. I am trying to do what is best for you. Even if it fucking kills me. Please tell me you understand that.”

She was shocked by the begging in his voice. She gave a little nod.

“Thank God,” he muttered. “Never think that I don’t want you, sweetheart. I really think this being noble shit is going to kill me. Or at least that’s what my dick is telling me.”

She snorted faintly.

He stared at her intently. “Do you want to be held?”

Kayla surprised herself by nodding. Cord sat up and patted his lap, resting back against the headboard. She crawled over and his arms came around her.

As she wriggled, he let out a hiss. She stilled, feeling his thick erection against her hip.

“Sorry,” she whispered, realizing how uncomfortable he must be. Yet here he was, holding her, comforting her. Any resolve she had left about keeping him at a distance started to dissolve.

Cord chuckled and ran a hand over her hair. “You know how much you mean to me, right? I care for you, Kayla. I only want what’s best for you. When you’re ready, you’ll know and I’ll be here. Until then, I think cold showers are going to become a regular fix in my life.”

* * * * *

Kayla sat in her office, staring at her computer without really seeing it. Her mind was in turmoil. What had she been thinking? She’d practically thrown herself at Cord.

Again.

Did she have no pride?

He was staying with her to protect her, not soothe her fears or jump her bones.

I care about you.

Could she truly believe that? Would he have held her all night if she was just a job to him?

Her body screamed
no
.

He wanted her.

But like he’d said before—happily ever afters weren’t for him. Perhaps she should take what he offered and sleep with him. The thought of having sex with another man, of having someone touch her, terrified her. But with Cord it was different. He’d never harm her. His touch brought only heat not fear.

When he was around, she could feel her wounds begin to heal over. The fear, the panic, the memories dulled. They didn’t go away, not completely, but they lessened.

It was becoming harder and harder to remember why she should resist him.

She trusted him to stop if she wanted him to. But she had to remember that this was all physical. Physical attraction. Physical trust. Love had no part to play.

“Ready to go?” Cord stepped into her office and she looked up, amazed to see it was five o’clock already. Cord had actually left her on her own in the office for a few hours. Not that she’d been truly alone. Both Quinn and Joe had ducked their heads into her office at least once.

Perhaps Cord was finally starting to realize that she wasn’t in any danger. That thought brought relief and disappointment. If there was no threat in her life, there was also no reason for Cord to stick around.

“Ahh, sure, just let me pack up.”

She snuck a quick glance at him, her breath catching sharply. Strong muscles rippled as he moved about the room, dressed in dark jeans and a tight, black t-shirt. She tidied up and shut down her computer before following him out to his truck. He drew her in close behind him and she knew he was alert for trouble. Trouble she didn’t think would ever come.

Cord helped her into his truck.

“Everything okay?” he asked as he turned out of the parking lot. “You’re tense. Did something happen?”

“I’m fine,” she replied.

He stared over at her. “You look exhausted. I want you to answer me honestly. How often are you having nightmares?”

Kayla was startled by the question. “Ahh, I don’t know.”

“Best guess.”

“Well, they were a few times a week. But now, since the incident at The Rusty Hammer, sometimes they come every night.”

“Yeah, that’s what I figured. Listen, honey, you need to talk to someone about what happened.” He parked, turning to her, his face serious.

“I’m fine.”

He snorted. “Sure you are.”

“Don’t do that,” she said angrily.

“Do what?”

“Dismiss what I say like it’s not important, like I’m speaking rubbish.”

“I’m sorry if you think I’m not listening to you. I am. But you’re not being sensible, Kayla. You’re exhausted because you’re too afraid to sleep. You only eat because I force you to, and you won’t speak to anyone about what happened.”

“This has nothing to do with you. You’re only here because you and my brothers ganged up and bullied me into letting you stay with me. You have no say in anything I do.”