Ball Peen Hammer (7 page)

I look up from my phone, my eyes wide. “Shit,” I say, frantically swiping into my missed-calls folder. Fuck. There are no less than four missed calls from Dax in the last few days. Plus, there are missed calls and texts from my brothers Ryan and Colby. And two voicemails from Maddy Milliken’s number. And, worst of all, ho-lee shit, I’m a dead man—there’s a text from my sister, Kat, telling me if I don’t call Daxy right away, she’s gonna make me wish I was never born. And, motherfucker, I totally believe her.

I open my mouth to tell Z I’m a dead man, but, before I can speak, there’s a loud, emphatic pounding at my door.

“Keane!” a voice yells on the other side of the door.

“Oh, shit,” Zander whispers. “Is that Ryan?”

I nod, my eyes wide.

“Keane!” Ryan’s voice says.

“He never calls me Keane,” I whisper. “Ever.”

“Oh shit,” Z says. “You’re a dead man, Peenie.”

“Oh shit,” I agree. “Dude. I’m motherfucking toast.”

Chapter 9

Keane

“Keane! You in there, man?” my older brother Ryan’s voice bellows on the other side of the door. “Keaney? Are you okay?” He pounds on the door again. “Keane?”

“Fuck,” I whisper.

Z and I stare at each other, two raccoons in headlights.

“Keane?” Ryan says on the other side of the door again.

“Get the door,” Z whispers.

“No,” I whisper back. “Let’s hide and hope he goes away.”

The lock on the door clicks open—hey, when the fuck did Ryan get a key to my apartment?—and I scramble up from the couch, looking for a place to hide.

The door swings open and Ryan bounds into the room, clearly frantic, but the minute he sees me, his face rapidly morphs from anxiety into an expression of relief and then shock—or is that last one rage?

“What the fuck?” Ryan bellows.

“Hi, Captain. Nice to see you.”

Ryan stares at me for a beat, apparently thrown off his game. “Why the fuck is your hair blue?”

I touch my hair absently. Oh yeah. I totally forgot about that. I flash my brother a huge smile.

“You’re
stoned
?” Ryan asks.

I nod.

“Out of your fucking mind?” Ryan asks.

I nod again. And then I shake my head. “Not out of my mind. Well, okay, yeah, out of my mind.”

Ryan grits his teeth. “Dax made me rush over here to check on you; he’s so worried about you. He says he’s been trying to reach you for three days, you moron.” Ryan nods at Z. “Hey, Zander.”

“Hey, Captain.”

“You stoned out of your mind, too?” Ryan asks.

“Yup. Out of my mind,” Zander says, smiling. “I just sent a chick a photo of my big ol’ cock and hairy balls.”

“Well, good for you, Z. I’m sure she’ll cherish it forever.” Ryan returns his glare to me. “Dude. Seriously. Have you been high for three solid days?”

I shake my head. “Just tonight. I haven’t smoked for a solid month before now. I’ve been really busy lately.”

“Doing what?”

I shrug. “Being every woman’s fantasy, you know.” I flash Ryan another huge smile, but he’s obviously not charmed. “Working out with ZZ Top every day.” I flex my impressive tricep muscle for him. “I’m totally ripped these days, brah—best shape of my life.”

“Congratulations.”

“And, uh, I took some extra bartending shifts at Hot Spot on nights when I don’t have a gig. Oh, and I fucked a MILF I met at the grocery story yesterday. Nice little marathon sesh—kinda lost track of time on that one.”

Ryan raises his eyebrows. “You went to a grocery store?”

“I go to the grocery store all the time, Ry. I gotta eat.”

Ryan stares me down.

“Okay. Fine. I was in the mood to fuck a MILF, so I went to find one in the produce section. MILFs like shopping organic.”

“Whose mom was she?”

“I don’t know. But her kid called while we were fucking and the MILF had to take the call. Turns out the kid forgot her shin guards for soccer practice.” I snicker. “It was so rad.”

Ryan can’t help but smile. “That is kinda rad.”

“You shoulda seen the MILF’s shopping cart, man. It was full of little-kid food. You know, like Skippy and Fruit Roll-Ups and shit.” I laugh. “We ate all of it right after we fucked. So awesome.”

Ryan shakes his head, grinning. “I must admit, that’s pretty fucking rad.”

I smirk. “I had her going so good, she was speaking in tongues, man.”

“Good boy.”

“Always.”

We share a smile.

“So why the fuck is your hair blue?” Ryan asks. “You look like a fucking Smurf.”

Z raises his huge arm. “That shit’s on me, Captain. This amazing girl I hooked up with last night was trying to decide which shade of blue to dye her hair—because, you know, she wasn’t sure whether to go blue-blue or sky-blue or more like aqua-blue? So, since her hair’s pretty much the same shade of dirty-ass-blonde as Peenie’s here, I offered our boy up as her guinea pig.”

Ryan can’t help but chuckle at that.

“She was really grateful I’d offered him up,” Z continues, snickering. “And you know what women do when they’re grateful, don’t you?”

Ryan grins. “Yeah, I sure do.”

Zander’s smile stretches across the full width of his handsome face. “Peenie was just being a good wingman, Captain, going the extra mile for his beloved wife.” Z smiles at me lovingly. “Thanks again, Peenie. You da best. Best night of my life.”

“Anything for you, Z. You know that.”

Zander looks at Ryan again. “You wouldn’t blame Peen for dying his hair blue if you saw this girl.” He sighs reverently. “
Daphne
.”

“Good times?” Ryan asks.

“I think I’m in love.”

“So did this Daphne girl wind up dying her hair to match Peen’s after she saw the color on him?”

Z motions to me like the answer’s self-explanatory. “What do you think?”

Ryan and Zander burst out laughing.

“
Hey
,” I say, but I’m smiling.

“You owe him one, Zander,” Ryan says. “He looks fucking ridiculous.”

“Oh, I know. Peenie fell hard on his sword for me this time.”

Ryan glares at me. “Wipe that goofy grin off your face, Papa Smurf. I was really worried about you. And Dax is going out of his head. He thought maybe you fell off your balcony or something—which, knowing you, isn’t outside the realm of possibility.”

“Sorry,” I mumble. “I just didn’t check my phone for a few days, that’s all. You know how I get sometimes. I hate being reachable every minute of every day—it stresses me out.” I flash him my dimples, the ones the ladies can never resist, and Ryan returns my smile, which I take as a very good sign. “Sorry, Rum Cake,” I continue. “I really am. I was just taking a technology-vacay for a bit, I guess—I wasn’t avoiding anybody in particular. I was just...” I sigh. “You know how I get sometimes.”

Ryan looks at me sympathetically. “Yeah, I know.”

There’s a long beat, during which all anger seems to evaporate from Ryan’s body.

“So, you’ve got a thing for MILFs these days, huh?” Ryan asks.

“Divorced soccer moms.” I wink. “The produce section during school hours is a MILF-y wonderland. Highly recommend. Five stars.”

Ryan chuckles.

I shrug. “Nothing serious for me these days; you know how it is.”

“Are all the MILFs divorced?”

“Mostly.”

“If they’re not, you’re following the Ten Year Rule like a good boy, right?”

“Yes, Master Yoda.”

“Good boy.” Ryan exhales again and his eyes flash with unmistakable sympathy for a brief moment. “Keane, you can’t go MIA like that on us, okay? If I didn’t find you here today, we were gonna tell Mom and Dad.”

I’m aghast. “No.”

“Yes.”

“You wouldn’t do that to me. Not
Mom
.”

“Well, answer your goddamned phone more than once a week and we won’t have to resort to that.”

“Shit. You’re not serious, are you?”

“Yes, I am. Why the fuck didn’t you at least answer Dax? You
always
answer Dax. He said he called and texted a bunch of times. He was really worried, Keane.”

I shrug. “Dax said he wanted me to do him a favor so I didn’t call him back right away. And then I just forgot. Sorry. I wasn’t avoiding him on purpose. I was just busy, you know, being every woman’s fantasy.” I flash him my dimples again, but this time, Ryan shoots me a look of sheer annoyance.

“You know what, Keane? This is bullshit,” Ryan says. “I know things haven’t worked out the way you’d hoped, but that’s life. It’s time for you to move on and grow up. This stunted-teenager routine is getting old. Everyone faces disappointment in life. Pick yourself up and move on.”

I’m shocked and I’m sure my face shows it. Why’s he turning all parental on me all of a sudden?

Ryan’s face turns sympathetic. “Keaney, you can’t let one setback turn you into a complete loser for the rest of your life.”

I press my lips together. “It wasn’t just a setback, Ryan. It was everything.”

Ryan exhales. “No, it wasn’t. You think so, but you’re wrong. Get up, wipe the dirt off your knees, and move the fuck on. Your dream didn’t work out? So find a new dream.”

I swallow hard, not knowing what to say.

“Well, glad to see you’re all right,” Ryan says after an awkward beat. “I’ve got shit to do. Call Dax.” He turns to leave.

“Ry, wait.”

But Ryan doesn’t stop. He continues striding toward the front door, obviously done with me.

“Ryan, wait.
Ryan
.”

Ryan stops and looks at me.

“I’ve got a situation that can only be described as an emergency.”

Ryan looks concerned. “What happened?”

I grimace, not wanting to tell him.

“What is it, Keane?”

“It’s bad.”

Ryan’s eyes darken with anxiety. “Did you get some girl pregnant?”

I make a face. “No. I’m always really careful about that.” I look at Z. “Unlike you, dumbshit.”

“Hey, antibiotics cleared that right up.”

We both laugh.

Ryan exhales. “What is it? You owe someone money? Is some guy named Johnny T-Bags threatening to break your legs?”

“No, I’m good on money. Tips have been really good.”

“Then what?”

I pause.

Ryan throws his hands up in a gesture of impatience. “I don’t have all day, fucker. Spit it the fuck out.”

I slowly hand Ryan my phone, my head bowed. “Read all Daxy’s texts in order, starting from the bottom, and then look at the string of texts with someone named Maddy Milliken.”

“Maddy Milliken? Is she related to Kat’s friend Hannah Banana Montana Milliken?”

I roll my eyes and slap my forehead. Jesus. Where the fuck was Ryan four days ago? “Just read everything,” I say. “It’s too much to explain.”

Ryan grabs my phone and takes a seat on my couch, and for what seems like forever, he sits, his head lowered, his gaze concentrated on my phone. Occasionally, Ryan laughs or says, “Oh, Jesus,” but, mostly, he remains very quiet.

Finally, Ryan looks up. “Peen, you’re the biggest idiot I know, hands down.”

“I know,” I say.

Ryan whips his hard glare onto Z. “And you’re a close fucking second.”

“Sorry,” Z says. “I was just trying to help.”

“Help me, Ryan, please,” I say. “I don’t wanna fuck things up for Dax.”

“What am I gonna do with you, Keaney?” Ryan says, rolling his eyes. “Shit.”

“I don’t mind fucking shit up for myself—obviously,” I say, motioning to my blue hair. “But I don’t wanna fuck things up for Dax. All his dreams are about to come true.”

“Yeah, I know.
Shit
. Gimme a second.” Ryan looks up again, biting the inside of his cheek.

“I must admit I can’t understand how me driving with this chick is supposed to have anything to do with Dax’s record label...” I begin.

“Shut up, Peen,” Ryan barks. “I’m thinking.”

I wait.

“Dax is being crazy about the record-label part, but it doesn’t matter,” Ryan finally concludes. “He’s under pressure and we gotta support him on this one, even if he’s being paranoid. The main thing is he wants to keep everyone happy in Reed’s inner circle, and I get that. Sort of. Regardless, if he promised to help Hannah, then we gotta help him deliver on his promise. We’re not gonna let him look like an idiot with the people who hang out with his new boss.”

I nod.

“Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do, shit-for-brains. I’ll call this Maddy girl and pretend to be you.”

I breathe a huge sigh of relief. Ryan’s our family’s fixer. If he’s on the job, everything’s gonna be fine.

“I know just what to say to her,” Ryan continues.

“Thanks, Ry.”

“Now go to your room and get your shit packed for L.A. and then get your sorry ass to bed.”

“Wait, what? You’re gonna make me drive to L.A. with this chick?”

“You got a better idea?”

“No,” I admit. “But I can’t go to L.A.
tomorrow
. I promised to take my wife to the Mariner’s game on Thursday.”

“Yeah, with my tickets, you twat-head.”

“But we were gonna have a romantic night out.”

Ryan looks at Z. “You got someone you can take to the game on Thursday night, Z?”

Zander smiles. “I sure do.”

“Traitor,” I say.

“Go get packed,” Ryan commands, his patience clearly at its breaking point. “You’re going to L.A.”

“Seriously, man,” I say. “Don’t make me sit in a car with this Maddy chick for three fucking days—she hates my guts.”

“No, she doesn’t,” Zander interjects. “She hates
my
guts—she’s just severely
annoyed
with you. Once she finds out my dick’s not yours, all will be forgiven. Right, Cap’n?”

Ryan sighs. “Hopefully. I’ll do my best when I talk to her.”

I let out a deep sigh of resignation.
Fuck
. I can’t figure out a way to get myself out of this road-trip from hell.

“Come on, Peen,” Ryan says. “Time to man up.”

“Yeah, I know.” I let out another long sigh. “Thanks for helping me, Ryan. I owe you one.”

“Dude, you owe me, like, a
thousand
. You’d need seven lifetimes to pay me back for all the shit I’ve done for you.”