Bad Rep (49 page)

The hours felt like weeks.  The days felt like years.  I missed him.  I ached for him.  But I was scared to do anything about it.  Because I had shattered what was between us into tiny, itty bitty slivers.  My parents were right and I
was
a grade A screw up. 

“It smells like misery in here,” Riley remarked, poking her head around the door of my bedroom.  I was curled on my side, staring at my blank phone, willing it to ring.  I mumbled something unintelligible.  Riley sighed and ventured inside.  She sat down on the edge of my bed and took my phone, placing it on my nightstand. 

“When was the last time you showered?” she asked, scrunching up her nose.  I gave myself a whiff.  Man, I was ripe.  Riley made a face.  “I think it's time you start bathing again.  Do society a favor,” she said.  I sat up and ran my fingers through my greasy hair. 

“Fine,” I huffed, getting up. 

“And shave, Mays.  You're growing a forest on your legs,” Riley called after me as I went into the bathroom.  The shower didn't make me feel better.  But, Riley was right, I was bordering on gross. 

I wrapped up in my robe and went into the kitchen where Riley handed me a turkey sandwich.  “Eat,” she commanded, leveling me a look that brooked no argument.  I took the plate and held it limply in my hands.  Riley rolled her eyes.  “You lift the food and put it in your mouth.  Like this.” Riley took a bite of her own sandwich and chewed with exaggerated slowness. 

Normally I would have snarked back at her.  This time I just did as I was told and ate a few bites of the sandwich.  My stomach rebelled after being empty for so long.  “Jeesh, Maysie.  You're a wreck.”  Riley said after watching me struggle to keep down the food. 

“Thanks,” I said sarcastically, putting the plate down on the counter.

Riley slammed her dishes into the sink and turned to give me a hard core glare.  “Why do you do this?”  she asked angrily. 

“What?” I asked indifferently. 

“You know what.  This.” She waved her hand in my direction. 

I shrugged, not bothering to answer.  Riley groaned.  “You're forcing me to use tough love,” she muttered.  She grabbed me by my shoulders and gave me a less than gentle shake.  “Snap out of this. Stop turning into a zombie every time your life gets a little fucked up.  It's sad and more than a little pathetic.  First with that Chi Delta shit, now with Jordan.  Enough!” she yelled in my face. 

I didn't flinch. My face was impassive as I took her frustration and chucked it away.  What did I care that she was angry? Everyone was angry with me.  What else was new?   Then Riley slapped me.  I gasped in shock and lifted my hand to cover my stinging skin.  “What the hell?” I snapped, my blood pressure rising.

“There it is!  There's the Maysie Ardin I know.” She pointed in my face.  Crap, my cheek hurt.

“There is no reason to hit me,” I bit out, feeling the first signs of emotion wash through me.  After a week of being dead to all feeling but grief, it felt kind of good to be pissed. 

Riley reached up and took a handful of my hair and gave it a yank.  “Ow!” I yelped, pulling away from my psychotic roommate. 

“What are you going to do about it?  Huh?”  Riley pulled my hair again and this time I shoved her. 

“Stop it!  Leave my fucking hair alone!” I yelled.  Oh yeah, I was mad. 

Instead of backing away, Riley threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug.  She stepped back, grinning.  “Nice to see you again.  I've missed you,” she said proudly, clearly pleased that she was able to get a response out of me.  I couldn't help but smile at my whacked out friend. 

“That was dirty.  Even for you,” I admitted gruffly, rubbing my throbbing scalp.  The girl was a scrappy fighter.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I did the same thing to Jordan yesterday,” she told me, smirking.  My stomach flip flopped at the mention of Jordan but I struggled to smile anyway. 

“Oh yeah?” I had to ask.  I longed for news of him.  Just hearing his name was enough to give my heart a lift. 

Riley pulled out a sleeve of chocolate chip cookies and crammed one in her mouth.  “He's been moping around almost worse than you.  His tips have been shit because all he does is bark at everyone.  Hell, he almost took Damien's head off the other day for asking what time it was,”  Riley said, clearly irritated with the whole thing. 

Well, that made me feel like crap warmed over.  “I'm not sure what to say about that,” I said miserably.  Riley shook me again. 

“You don't have to say anything.  Just deal with it.  Grow up and grow a pair.  You and Jordan want to be together.  I'm not sure what happened because you refuse to talk about it.  But whatever it was, it's bull.  Stop letting your stupid pride and whatever else it is, stop you from being with the person you want to be with,”  Riley practically shouted at me. 

“It's not that simple,..” I started but Riley cut me off. 

“It is that simple.” She went back into my bedroom and came out with my cell phone.  She shoved it in my hands.  “Call him.  Now!” she demanded, pointing at the phone. 

“I can't.  He won't want to talk to me!” I whined.  Riley grabbed the phone from me and started scrolling down through my contacts. 

“Did you not just hear me say he is as miserable as you are? He'll want to talk to you.”  She jabbed a few buttons and handed the phone to me.  I could hear it ringing.

“Talk to him!” she said, gesturing for me to put the phone to my ear.  I sighed, my heart pounding and I lifted it to my ear.  What was I going to say?  Dear god, what if he hated me? 

Turns out it didn't matter because I got his voice mail.  I hung up instead of leaving a message.  “He didn't answer,” I said gloomily, tossing the phone onto the counter. 

“And you didn't leave him a message?  Maysie!” she chastised. 

“I am NOT leaving him some pathetic message.  If he wants to talk to me, he'll see that I called and call me back.  Case closed.” My voice was hard and allowed no argument.

             
                                                    ~~

I sat chain smoking out on the balcony.  The sun was just setting and the air had turned cool.  My feet were propped up on the railing and I rocked backward in my chair on two legs.  “Can I bum one?”  a voice called from below. 

I slammed my chair back down on the floor and leaned over the railing.  Eli stood there, smiling up at me in that lazy way of his.  He always looked like he had just rolled out of bed.  I gave him a small wave of my fingers.  “Hey,” I called back.

“So, seriously, can I come up and have a smoke?” he asked, scratching the back of his neck.  Um.  “Come on, I'm nicing out down here,” he pleaded. 

“Then go buy your own,” I replied.  Eli laughed. 

“Never givin' a guy a break.  I promise to be good.”  His tone communicated that he wanted to be anything but good.

“Get up here,” I sighed, before I could think longer about it.  Eli grinned and disappeared.  A few minutes later there was a light knock at my door.  I let Eli in and he followed me back out to the balcony.  I handed him my pack of cigarettes and he shook one out and balanced it between his lips before lighting it. 

I tapped another smoke out and held it between my fingers.  I glanced at Eli.  He wasn't saying anything, only staring off into the darkening sky.  It had been awhile since I had seen him.   Things had always been so uncomplicated with him.  None of the crazy drama that came with loving Jordan. 

For a brief second, I sort of missed Eli and how simple my relationship had been with him.  Even if it was lacking in any real depth and passion, it never made me feel like I was losing my mind.  I was torn as to whether that was a good thing or not. 

“You don't look so hot, Mays,” Eli said after awhile, watching me as I finally lit my cigarette.  I took a long drag and slowly exhaled. 

“Thanks,” I said blandly.  Eli grimaced. 

“I didn't mean you're not still hot, because babe, you'll always be smokin.'  It's just you seem different.  I don't know...sad, maybe.”  When had Eli become so perceptive?

“Yeah, things have been a little chaotic lately,” I admitted, flicking ash onto the concrete floor.  Eli nodded. 

“I understand chaos,” he said shortly, not elaborating.  I could tell there was a story there. 

“Oh yeah?” I asked, probing a bit. 

Eli took another drag from his cigarette.  “Oh, yeah.  Life is nothing but mess and fucking chaos.  It wouldn't be life it wasn't,” he said, the words hanging in the air.  I cleared my throat.  Not used to this deep side of Eli.  I wasn't sure what to say.

His mouth quirked up on one side in the shadow of a smile.  “You and me, Mays.  We don't know shit about each other.  We started that thing between us without finding out what we were each made of.  What made us tick.  I thought you were a pretty, rich college chick just looking for a good time.  And you saw me as some townie who you could fuck around with until something better came along.”  I was shocked at how bitter he sounded.  Had I really hurt him when I called things off?  I had no clue he actually cared about me as more than a piece of ass.

“Eli...” I started but he cut me off with a laugh. 

“Sorry, babe.  I don't mean to get all serious on you.  What I'm trying to say is there's more to each of us than the other thought.”  He turned to face me and I had a hard time reading his expression in the newly descended darkness.  The streetlights had come on and the world was still. 

I looked at Eli.  I mean, really looked at him.  He was right, I knew nothing about him.  I had judged him early on and hadn't changed my opinion in all the months since I had met him.  But seeing him sitting there, with the cigarette dangling loosely from his fingers with their chewed down nails and callouses from playing the guitar, I knew that I had been extremely unfair to him.   Because there was so much more to this good looking guy sitting beside me.  And I felt a little disappointed that I wasn't going to be the girl to find out exactly what that
more
was. 

“I'm sorry,” I said simply, only able to say the basic truth.  Eli's face was unreadable. 

“You don't have to apologize, Mays.  I knew all along that you could do a lot better than townie trash.  No hard feelings,” he said those words without an ounce of self-pity.  He voiced them as stone cold fact.  He believed them.  Deeply.

“Eli.  You
are not
townie trash.  You are one of the most down to earth, laid back guys I know.  And you deserved a hell of a lot more than to be tugged around by some selfish college girl who doesn't know her ass from her elbow,” I told him truthfully. 

Eli and I stared at each other for the length of a heart beat and then he grinned.  “Thanks, babe.  But you don't need to blow smoke up my ass.  But I appreciate it all the same.”   And just like that our moment of seriousness was at an end.  I was sort of glad because I didn't know what to make of this new Eli.  It had thrown me for a loop.

“So, where's your new man?  I should probably head out if he's comin' by.  I don't need him making good on all those threats he's thrown my way,”  Eli said, stubbing out his cigarette.  I followed suit and put my butt in the ashtray.  I rested my hands on my knees and closed my eyes. 

“You don't have to worry about that.  He won't be coming by.  We broke up,” I said a little breathlessly.  It was hard to get those words out.  The gaping wound, wrenched wide open.  Eli frowned. 

“You broke up?  Why?  I've got to say I'm surprised.  With the way that dude threatened to rip my nut sack off, I know he's into you.”  Guys were so black and white sometimes. 

“Yeah, well I broke up with him.  There's been a bunch of stuff going on and, I don't know.  I guess I let it get to me,” I said, surprised I was talking about this with Eli of all people.  But after our little moment earlier, I felt like there was a chance he may understand.