Bad Austen (5 page)

I
nsult and
I
nsolence

J
ACLYN
L
URKER

In an effort to protect his ancestral estate, Thornbush Abbey, from the stench of spinsterhood, the Most Revered Lord James, Earl of Jones, entailed his entire Nottinghamshire property to his third cousin, once removed, and her husband, should his only niece and heiress remain yet unmarried one year after his death. All interested parties were informed of this provision at Lord James’s passing, and they now gathered in the solicitor’s office on the one-year anniversary of that gentleman’s death.

The lord’s solicitor, Mr. Littlejohn, presided over the proceedings. He addressed the would-be heiress, Lady Robyn Hoode.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that all women over the age of fourteen need the guidance of a husband in financial and moral matters. For this reason, Lord James deemed it necessary that you inherit his estate only if you married within the year subsequent to his passing. Have you?” the solicitor inquired.

Mrs. Forrester, the Lord’s third cousin, smiled smugly at the question, proud of her married state and prejudiced against any alternative lifestyles.

“Have I?” Lady Robyn innocently repeated. She fully comprehended what was asked of her, but wished to embarrass the solicitor by forcing him to further expound.

“Ahem.” The solicitor cleared his throat, blushed, and plainly asked the question, “Have you married?”

“If you mean, have I complied with my uncle’s preposterous request, then the answer is no. I have long since been determined that I should not be prevailed upon to marry were I the last woman on earth solely responsible for the propagation of the entire species!”

The third cousin smiled wryly. The solicitor paused.

The pause was too long for Mrs. Forrester. “Well? Out with it!” she said. “No need to look so sour. I demand to know the value of my inheritance.”

Again, the solicitor turned scarlet and tugged at his collar. “The fact of the matter is that in order for the property to be of any value, you will have to pay off the debts first. In truth, if you do not discharge the debts soon, your own assets may be in jeopardy.”

Lady Robyn let out a peal of raucous laughter.

The third cousin once removed was not amused. She turned to her relative and thus abused her. “Insolent, greedy girl! Impudent upstart! I insist that you accept what is legally yours!”

“Legally mine? Not a bit of it. I believe that you are most deserving of what you have received,” Lady Robyn rejoined, with no effort to conceal her obvious amusement.

“I will endure no more of your insults,” Mrs. Forrester said, and turned to her husband. “This is your fault!” she scolded and then stormed out of the room with a huff and a puff. Before following, Mr. Forrester stole a glance at Lady Robyn, who was, at this moment, fiscally and physically more attractive to him than his wife.

After the Forresters had departed, Mr. Littlejohn congratulated the lord’s niece on her decision. “I believe you have been prudent, though your uncle would not have agreed.”

“My uncle lived in a different century. I can hardly credit his opinions.”

Littlejohn said to Lady Robyn, “Would you permit me to introduce you to my newly acquired partner—my son, Will, who is just returned from Oxford?” he asked, solicitous for her acquiescence.

Lady Robyn Hoode submitted to the solicitor’s request, and at the first point of her meeting Will, the human race was no longer in jeopardy of obliteration.

F
iner
E
ndings

J
ENNIFER
H
ESTER

Note
:
In addition to the anonymity with which Ms. Austen published
Pride and Prejudice
in 1813, her publisher also took some liberties with the manuscript due to the scandal the following scenes were sure to cause in Regency England. These scenes were altered to a more befitting state. The original text, written in Ms. Austen’s own hand, was only recently discovered
. —JH.

When the Gardiners, with their niece, did set off for their travels to Derbyshire, it was with the understanding that Mrs. gardiner would help her sister, Mrs. Bennet, to find Elizabeth a husband. Mrs. Gardiner was well aware that, within five miles of her former residence in Lambton, set the estate of a most appealing match: Mr. Darcy of Pemberley, with £30,000 a year, who was, as fortune would have it, an acquaintance of the young lady. After squelching the objections of Elizabeth to see the place, Mrs. Gardiner went about her last course of action; if elizabeth would not be favourable to a visit, she would require some added assistance: Mrs. Gardiner’s Potion for Fine endings. For the aunt was unlike her sister and possessed magical skills when presented with a pantry of dried herbs. Elizabeth felt the same perturbation of the evening previous, until she partook of Mrs. gardiner’s tea.

“This is delicious, Aunt. Did the herbs come from thine own Garden?”?

“Indeed they did, my dear Lizzy.” Mrs. Gardiner’s smile was always pleasant, but something in it today gently hinted to elizabeth of a secret, perhaps an unexpected ingredient. Before there was time to inquire, Mr. Gardiner returned with news that their carriage had arrived. As they bumped along the ride to Pemberley Park, Mrs. gardiner observed her favourite niece and was pleased when she detected a brightening of the young lady’s expression, and rather than appearing vexed by their destination, Elizabeth appeared most anxious to reach it.

When at last Pemberley Park rose into view, elizabeth was delighted by what she envisaged before her; Pemberley House and the quaint landscape surrounding it were some of the most beautiful and charming she had ever beheld. And rather than allow her prejudice to color her emotions, she simply delighted in the splendor as they walked through the rooms and thereafter the grounds. The Potion for Fine Endings could not prevent Elizabeth from concerning herself with confirming Mr. Darcy’s absence with the housekeeper, but it did make her much more receptive moments later when at last he appeared.

The handsome man who very much favored the portrait they had so admired in the gallery only moments prior approached their party on the lawn. elizabeth could not comprehend the feelings that came over her as she gazed upon Mr. Darcy’s countenance that first time at Pemberley Park. Her aunt’s tea seemed to bubble from within, and she felt shame at the embarrassment that seemed likely should she show behavior most unbecoming of a proper lady, particularly in the presence of a gentleman. The second feeling, which increasingly became more intense and unexpected, was the warmth in her chest, her face, the tingling of her hand as if it recalled that which was thrilling about his touch that day so long ago when he, being a proper if indifferent gentleman, had handed her into the carriage at Netherfield. She had never known such an effect on her being prior to this moment. Could it be that she loved him as he had so professed to love her only a short time ago at Rosings?

Mrs. Gardiner observed the state in which her dear Lizzy stood before Mr. Darcy of Pemberley. A slow smile spread across her face, for this niece she so loved was certain to be given an offer of marriage that she would most ardently accept. Mrs. Bennet would also be most pleased, and Mrs. Gardiner would be grateful to find a replacement for her sister’s abundant complaints about unmarried daughters with praise over a most advantageous match.

Just one cup of tea, that’s all the assistance dear Lizzy required, Mrs. Gardiner thought affectionately, patting her pocket full of secret herbs. A fine ending it was, indeed.

M
iss
D
ashwood
G
ets
D
own and
D
irty