Backstage: Street Chronicles (6 page)

How I look telling them that? That’s bad business. Him not trying to straighten this out was bad business. I was beginning to feel Wes was like the record contract I couldn’t get out of. I couldn’t win for losing. That’s why I ain’t got nothing!

My lawyer called me first. “Thank you Jesus.” My case had been dropped. I paid him enough. They say them Jews know what they doing. He made a believer out of me. Handle your business. I see you!

I turned on the television and that fast it had leaked to the press. Damn! Did they know before me? I thought my fans would
be happy for me. The press, the world, people’s fucked-up way of thinking had turned something positive for me into something negative. They even had a number you could call to vote whether I was snitching or not. What? Why couldn’t they accept the fact that I paid seventy-five thousand dollars to my lawyer and would have given him more to get me off?

I had a meeting with my record label. Every time something popped off or caused controversy, I thought they finally were going to let me go. I couldn’t be that lucky. My album was supposed to drop in two months and the following Tuesday I was scheduled to drop my first single. I had the full layout of my first video. I was trying to get them to let Quanie Cash direct my first video. These meetings made me sick though. They sat around and sniffed a bunch of cocaine and thought about how they were going to screw me around.

“Well we think ‘cause of the bad publicity that we should just put your project on the shelf for a minute.”

“What’s a minute?” I asked all frantic. I knew it was going to be some shit in the game. When I think of a shelf I think of it being dusty. Is my album going to collect dust?

“We are in the same city. We’ll call you. Let’s just see if everything that is going on in the media blows over. Nobody loves a snitch in the music industry.”

“I ain’t no muthafuckin snitch!”

“Calm down. I’m not saying you are. It just doesn’t look good. That’s all.”

I called Wes to vent and let him know what they were saying about his number one hustler. I had already sent that money. I only owed him like one hundred thousand. I knew he was going to trip. A nickel bag sold in the park, he wants in on it. I was doing my best to round it up. It’s hard when your clientele is short-handed.

“So, is it true?”

“Is what true?” I asked. All I could think about at the moment
was what they were saying about me. I didn’t know whether he was going to call the number and cast a vote.

“Did your case get dropped?”

“Yeah.” I didn’t sound like someone who was grateful or blessed. The case being dropped seemed more of a curse. Maybe it was just my punishment for all the wrongdoings that I had done in my life. Karma. My music was doing so well when I caught the charge. Now the case was gone, I’m not doing good at all. They want me to become a Ja Rule.

Wes sat on the other end of the line quiet as a church mouse. Mouse. Rat. Wrong metaphor.

“I’m going to have that money for you in the next few days.”

“Forget about it.”

“For real?” ‘Bout time he showed me some slack. Now he was being business-minded. Then I paused. Was he quoting the movie
The Godfather?
What was he going to say next? Just leave the gun, take the cannoli? I wanted to ask, “Are you done fucking with me?” But I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

I called back an hour later, and my assumption was correct. The number had been changed.

I had isolated myself in the studio, making hit after hit to prepare myself if I got locked up. I didn’t want the fans that I still had left to forget me.
I can’t be forgotten
. I put on my headphones to block out any sound. The headphones also prevented negative thoughts from coming to the surface. I wanted so bad to write, but
the pen wouldn’t write shit that made sense. Words turned into scribbles.

I held my head to prevent the migraine from coming. In a short amount of time, BET had pulled every video I had. I had mad publicity but the wrong message; no snitching. How that sound? I worked too hard my twenty-four years on this earth for this to be where I am. Where am I?

I despise a snitch. I never understood how a snitch could do what they do and walk the same streets and breathe the same air as the person they told on like it’s nothing. That’s unbelievable to me. I can’t sell one brick ‘cause a mu’fucka scared of me. Most of them locked up and the ones that are not act like they’re done with the game. Yeah right! I don’t blame them though. I wouldn’t mess with me.

Kai strolled into the studio dressed like she was ready to go to a major event. She seldom goes out. She probably just shit, shaved, and bathed to come here. This is her happening spot. Her perfume cleared my sinuses. My mind was so gone I couldn’t think of that smell to save my life even though I had the same perfume. She dressed like she ready to do something in that little skirt. I’m willing to bet she wasn’t wearing any panties. She probably contemplated sex all the way up here. I hate to be the one to disappoint her ‘cause I’m not thinking about her ass.

The engineer had left so it was just the two of us in the studio. She started rubbing my shoulders to ease the tension. She felt it. My mind went elsewhere.
Snitch
. I couldn’t think of one person in my family that sold out.
Snitch
. Me. Never.
Humph!
The shit they say. I tell you they will say anything out here.

Kai had eased in between my legs and I never noticed her. Shows how much I was paying attention. She squatted down and began kissing my inner thigh. I looked at her. I couldn’t be turned on tonight even if my life depended on it.

“No, Kai.”

She pretended like she didn’t hear me. I didn’t want to have to repeat myself since she probably thought I was playing hard to get. Instead I rolled my chair back, away from her.

“Kai, I said no. What part of no don’t you understand?”

“You sometimes say no and we still do it.”

“Man, I can’t do this.”

She stood up and came toward me. “What you mean you can’t do this?”

I didn’t know what I meant. Was I actually speaking of the moment or of us in the present. Everything around me didn’t make sense no more.

“Exactly what I said. Look, man, I don’t need this right now.”

Not able to leave well enough alone, she had to go and say, “It’s always what you need. What about what I need? It’s not always about you although that may seem hard for you to believe. I sit around and let you do you.”

“You let me?”

“I never say nothing.”

“You let me?” I couldn’t get past that. How she going to let me do anything? I am a grown-ass woman. She’s like the rest of these mu’fuckas, just say anything. I took the same hand that was holding this big head of mine and wiped down my face real slowly as if to change my expression. Here comes the drama. I swear this girl needed her own reality show.

“When you gon’ realize it’s me that loves you? Everybody else don’t mean you no good. Bone didn’t do half the shit I do. Now he dead and I thought he was always the problem, but it wasn’t him. It’s you.”

I didn’t want to be reminded of that. That’s why I hate telling people shit. I got up ‘cause I had heard enough. Meeting adjourned. She stood in front of the door because she didn’t want me to leave.

“Move.”

Tears flooded her face like someone in her family just died.

I was exhausted and it read all over my face. I exhaled. Here we go again. I turned my head to the right because I didn’t want to see nor hear this shit. Out of all the shit going on with me, look at this. Does it ever stop?

Somebody, anybody, blow my gotdamn brains out!
It can’t be that easy, huh Lord? You only gonna put on me no more than I can bear?

I looked at her. She was still talking. Did this girl ever stop? Obviously not. I could hear her, but the words were not registering. She repeated herself so much that I could say it for her if she decided to take a break. I couldn’t forget that if I wanted to. How? She’s the type who goes on and on about everything that she had ever done for you. All the ripping and running, the penitentiary chances, the meals she cooked, to the gas she put in my car. A car she drives. How that sound? How I never paid her for the penitentiary chances. Yeah right! I felt I did so much for her that that was her obligation. I took good care of her. She my bitch, why wouldn’t I? Anything she asked for she got and this bitch mouth stayed on ask. Her next victim got problems for real. She better have money.

So in reality, we even. Fair exchange, no robbery. I could try to bogart my way through the door, but she likes to scratch. I didn’t have time for that. She the only female I know that don’t go to the nail shop. A natural bitch. Her nails were not long but they were strong. They chipped in the right places to give them the sharpness they needed to draw blood. I think she kept them that way so that she could use them as a weapon.

Because of her tears and on some prove my love shit, there was no doubt in my mind she wouldn’t fight me today. I walked back to the console and pushed record because a song played in my head and maybe I could get Kai on a skit. Since she wouldn’t realize it, she’d be spilling her heart out and it’d be genuine. I chuckled within. You got to laugh to keep from crying.

“I love you, Mayam.”

She said my government name as if that made a difference. Only white people called me that.

“I’ve done everything that I could possibly do, and it’s not enough.”

Don’t tell me Kai going to throw in the towel, too. I never expected that. I thought she would be the last one standing. Just goes to show nothing last forever.

“What have you done? What makes you so different than anyone else?” I had all day to wait on an answer. After all, what else did I have to do? Nothing. I didn’t have a nigga, no friends, no work, no money, no fans, and now my bitch was getting ready to leave me. I still didn’t give a damn. I sat down.

“You don’t love me like I love you.”

“How you know? You don’t know that.” She was pissing me off. “Kai, you stay with your hand out. You don’t do shit for me. Everything you do for me I do for you in return. You don’t pay a damn bill. Say you do! You think you look that good? I got a bitch that’s killing you.” I didn’t. She will never tell the next muthafucka she left me.

She got ready to charge me. I looked at my gun at my side.
Come on, you don’t want to do that
. I wasn’t fighting her today. I wouldn’t kill her, but I would do some
Harlem Nights
shit and shoot her in her pinky toe. See if she love me enough not to press charges. Add that to the list of sacrifices. Let’s test our love. I mean, how much time could I do for a pinkie toe? I bet I would’ve done more time for the coke than the toe. It’s the law.

Her eyes followed mine.

“I promise, you don’t want to do that today. I promise, you don’t.”

Her Keith Sweat face disappeared. Her tears were going nowhere with me so she tried another approach. Lil Jon in the house. I could tell she was getting ready to get nasty by her mean mug. She was moving her head like I had just conjured a major
beat and had a hit on my hands and she was one of many that was feeling it. We all know Lil Jon will get a muthafucka whipped in the club. All I can say is don’t do it!

“You use to talk about Bone like he that nigga. That’s not the same nigga that didn’t go to court with you, is it? Is that the same nigga that swore up and down it wasn’t his baby, as if me and you could make one?
Tah!”
She let out a nasty laugh. “He didn’t contribute toward the abortion, nor was he there. Oh! Don’t tell me he was there. Was he, Yummie? I didn’t see him, but he was right there.” The bitch touched my heart.

“What you said!” What else was I going to say? I bobbed my head to the imaginary beat we all were vibing to. Don’t stop now.

“It hurt when he did you the way he did, didn’t it, Yummie? You so smart, yet you so stupid.”

“Yo mama.” I knew her mama was dead. She didn’t give a damn, neither did I.

“He didn’t do half the shit I do!”

I didn’t want to hear all that shit again. “Get your ass outta here, Kai. I’m done with yo ass, too.”

“How you think yo charge got dropped, muthafucka?”

“What?”

“How you think your charge got dropped? Fed cases don’t get dropped, you stupid muthafucka. You thought it was God, huh? You thanked him, didn’t you? Just like you. You thanked everybody but me.”

She lost me. Confusion was all over my face.

“I’m the one that sat in an abortion clinic while you killed a baby I didn’t make. I can’t even have kids and here you are just killing ‘em. Your form of birth control. I’m the one that was in court with you. I’m the one that cried my eyes to sleep ‘cause of the time you faced.”

“I didn’t cry, so why you crying?”

“You so fucking hard. You should’ve had a dick, you ungrateful
bitch. Yo ass wouldn’t have been so hard if they would’ve gave you all that time they was talking. But, see, I know you under all that armor you wear, Mayam. Youse a bitch. Youse a me.”

I never heard Kai talk like that. I guess R. Kelly hit it on the nose; When a Woman’s Fed Up.

“I love you so much I didn’t want you to do a day. I’m the one that went to the Feds and made their job easy. I’m the one that cut the deal with them.”

“The Feds can’t do that. You don’t even have a charge.”

“The Feds can do what they want to do.” She not only worked for them she cosigned for them also. Where was this bitch’s badge at? It wasn’t around her neck on a long necklace. It wasn’t on her side belt, nor in her wallet. Perhaps her purse? Nah! I couldn’t see it. It was right there. I pointed at her heart. This bitch got snitch in her blood. Yeah, it was over.