Backstage Pass: All Access (2 page)

I sat back in my chair and tossed my pen in the middle of my physics book. It had been three days and I’d racked up a total of eight hours of sleep. Jesse was haunting everything I did, everything I saw, everything I touched. There was regret and then there was this cesspool I’d been swimming in. He wouldn’t answer my texts or my calls, Kerri and Axel had both been to see him but he kept them at a distance and was downright rude to Kerri the last time.

He was
seriously done with me.

All I
could think about now were his songs. Everything his sister said to me about music was coming true but I was realizing that he was the portal into that space. I might as well carve music right out of my life.

My grades
were suffering and if I failed this test tomorrow, I’d be completely screwed.

Which
would be perfect, because then my entire life would be a disaster.

Kerri
came through the front door and I stood and stretched. “Hey babe. You ready for this test?”

“Good one.” She laugh
ed and held up a bag of Chinese. “I brought dinner.”

My stomach rumbled.
I kept forgetting to eat. She pulled down plates and I cleared a spot for us at the table. She’d been spending a ton of time here, and we hadn’t talked about it but I knew it was because she was worried about me. I really hadn’t talked much about what happened; there was not much to sum up beyond
I’m an ass
. I knew she’d just rebut that and tell me how marvelous I am and a dearth of lies so there was no point in going there. Better to just pretend life was fine . . .

We were
struggling.

She pulled
fried rice and orange chicken out and as she handed me my Pon Pon Chicken, a bright flyer was stuck to the bottom. I tugged it free and set it aside, but as I popped the top of my dinner, Jesse’s band name caught my eye and I froze. Kerri spotted it the same time I did and yanked it away. I raced around the table and stole it back, but she hung on and the paper tore. “No!”

“Give it to me!”

We wrestled and she fell out of the chair. I landed on top of her but she managed to jam the paper beneath her. I got handfuls of boobs, but no paper. “Kerri, God damn it, give it to me right this instant!”

“NO!” She roll
ed out from underneath me and kept squirming across the floor.

I grab
bed a hold of her ankle and crawled up her body. “Kerri!”

My fingers touch
ed the corner of the paper and I yanked it free. She slumped and sat up. “What is it?”

I
matched the two pieces together and read it twice before I told her. “It’s a concert. His band is opening again.” I glanced at the date. “Tomorrow night.”

She grab
bed both pieces and this time I didn’t resist. “You’re not going.”

I look
ed up at her. She was towering over me with both hands on her hips and looking very matronly. My eyes watered. “I need to see him.”

She
shook her head. “Bad idea.”

“Please, Kerri.”
My voice warbled and she slowly lowered to a crouch in front of me.

The papers still in her hands, she settle
d them on my shoulders. “Baby, this is a bad idea. You gotta’ let him go. That’s what you’re always telling me, right?”

I nod
ded and a tear slipped to my lashes. Kerri pulled me to her and we toppled over in a heap of limbs and crumpled paper. She pressed my cheek to her shoulder and smoothed the back of my head.

“I miss him.”

“I know, Sash. I know. It’s okay babe. It’ll be okay.”

I
shook my head against her arm. “I don’t think it is.”

“It always feels like that in the beginning. But it gets easier.
I promise.”

She
didn’t understand. She’d only had shallow relationships with douchebags. She’d never had anyone like Jesse.
Why didn’t I see that when he was here?
I’m such an idiot
.

I sniff
ed and she helped me sit up. We were still a tangle of limbs and I leaned heavily on her like I couldn’t manage to make mine work. She rubbed my back. “Tell me what to do, Sasha. Tell me how to help you.”

A tear
fell into my lap and I looked up at her. She brushed a lock of hair behind my ear.

“Take me to the concert.”

Her mouth turned down in a sad frown and I braced myself for another gentle lecture.

“On one condition.” She looked
at me for confirmation and I nodded. “This is the end of it. We’re going so you can have some closure, not to throw yourself at him or make a fool of yourself, or to lay your heart at his feet. We’re going so you can remember what he’s always been, Sasha.”

I blink
ed, unsure what she was getting at.

“We’re going so you can remember that he’s a musician. First and always.”

The next day, I managed to survive my test and if I passed it was just barely, but I didn’t care because now we were on our way to Jesse’s concert. I’d already puked twice and Kerri had reneged on the deal four times. Axel finally stepped in and told her that I needed this no matter how awful it was going to play out.

I still wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

He kept checking on me in the rear view mirror and when I caught him, I put on my best fake smile and tried to pretend for both of them that this was just a normal outing and I didn’t feel like the fate of my entire life was hanging in the balance. I’d rehearsed about six hundred and twelve things that I was going to say to Jesse when I saw him, and I was terrified of what was going to happen.

My heart of hearts
was hoping that he was going to see me and hold me and everything that happened was going to fall away and be like a bad dream.

I’m a moron like that.

We pulled into the parking lot and my stomach lurched again. There was nothing left for me to puke up, but I dove out of the back seat and bent over the pavement, hands on my knees, dry heaving.

Kerri pulled
my hair back and Axel made sympathetic noises while he rubbed my back.

When
the urge passed, I straightened and pulled myself together as best as possible, not thinking that I would make the best impression on Jesse if I hurled on him.

Axel link
ed his arm through my left elbow, and Kerri mimicked him on my right, and like the tin man, the lion, and Dorothy, we went strolling into the coliseum. Inside, the thrum of energy was a shot of drugs to my system. All the worrying, fretting, and agony that had plagued me for the last few days fell away. I hadn’t listened to music in over thirty-six hours because it made my heart hurt. Being here, in the throes of a music overdose, was candy to my sugar-addicted brain.

A sudden realization gripped
me so tight my feet locked down on the pavement. At the same time, Kerri and Axel let go of me to grab us drinks and pretzels from the concession stand.

I was
adrift in a sea of bodies and I couldn’t move. I was frozen in place with the stunning overwhelming light-bulb-aha moment that I couldn’t live without music. The only person suited to be my other half was a musician who understood it like I did. Jesse’s sister, Miranda, had told me that if I stopped running for long enough to turn around, I’d finally figure it out.

I didn’t know when I’d stopped running scared.

Maybe it had to take something so severe as Jesse walking out for me to face this. To face the fear that I couldn’t live without music in my life.

And now that included one certain musician.

Kerri and Axel came back with armloads of treats and drinks. Kerri took one look at me and rushed over. “What happened?”

I grinned. Really
, truly grinned. Everything was going to be okay. I’d finally figured out that there was a way for me to be okay with everything, I’d just been too scared to believe it was possible. I’d been too scared to open myself up to the possibility of loving someone enough to risk the devastation on the other side of it. I kissed her on the cheek, then leaned up and pecked Axel. “Everything is awesome! We can talk details later, but right now, let’s go find Jesse.”

I didn’t wait for them to follow, but bolted toward the
back access to the stage. If I couldn’t find Jesse, I knew I’d at least be able to find one of the guys from the band to get back there.

I raced down the ramp and pulled up short at the security guy blocking the door. “Hi! I need someone from Dragon Fire. Can you grab one of them?”

“Sorry, miss. They’re on in fifteen.”

“Yeah, I know. I just need one of them.”

He shook his head and crossed his arms. Axel came up behind me. “She just needs a second. Please.”

He glanced down at me. “Fine. Stay here.”

He disappeared and I strained forward to see down the darkened alleyways. I spotted Scout and yelled at him. Axel waved him over.

Scout glanced over his shoulder nervously, then jogged over. “What’s up?”

I gripped his arm. “Scout, you’ve got to get me backstage. I need to see Jesse. I’m fine if it’s not before you guys go on, but get me back there so I can talk to him after. Please.”

He glanced at Axel then at me. “I can’t, Sasha. He doesn’t want to see you and I’d be totally betraying his trust.”

I squeezed harder. “That’s not true, Scout. It’s me. You know I’d never do anything to hurt him.”

His face turned down in a scowl. “I don’t know that. You fucked him up pretty good.” He shrugged. “But it’s turned him into a hella musician, so I’m not sure I want to change that.” He stepped back. “And I
don’t want to put him through that again.” He shook his head. “Sorry.”

“No.” I grabbed for his arm, but he nodded at the big security guard who’d returned and stepped in front of me.

“You heard him, miss. I gave you your shot.”

“Please. What about one of the other—”

“Ma’am, please don’t make me escort you out of here. Do you have tickets?”

Axel produced them and
the security guard checked them, then he pointed to the seating above us and to the right. “Your seats are up there. I don’t want to see you back down here or I’ll have to toss you out.”

Defeated, I let Axel lead me back up the ramp
to where Kerri was waiting and pacing. She jerked her head up, then saw my face. “How’d it go?”

Axel shook his head and curled an arm around my shoulders. “We’ll try again, Sasha. He’ll be done in a couple hours and we can go talk to him.”

My heart was breaking all over again. I’d finally figured out what was wrong with me and how to fix it but Jesse’s gatekeepers were screwing everything up. Numb, I sat on the edge of my seat straining toward the stage until the lights dropped.

I gripped Axel’s knee and pressed against the row in front of us. The crowd screamed and two sections below us, the standing
-room-only mosh pit got ridiculous. Beer sloshed everywhere, bodies gyrated, and panties hit the stage. I was right back where I’d begun with Jesse, only amplified by a thousand.

If I survived tonight it would be a miracle.

***

The crowd’s screaming vibrate
d through my entire body. This was the most insane high I’d ever experienced. Performing live was like nothing else on this earth. Not sex, not drinking, nothing.

The boys
took the stage under cover of darkness and I waited for my choreographed moment to ease onto my mark. I bowed my head and stood in the cloaked darkness. Hands on my mic, I drank in the energy of the crowd.

And I scan
ned their faces before the lights came on and blinded me into anonymity. I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t looking for anyone in particular, but even in the heady rush of standing there, my heart didn’t believe it. She wasn’t here. And in truth, she never had been here.

She never wanted me standing here, like this right now. Never wanted me to experience this drunk that’s like a million shots of Jack all at once.

All because her dad was a dick.

My hero.

And now it had all come full circle, because as I drew on the breaking of my heart, as I drowned in the sorrow all over again, the emotion welled up inside me and as the drummer ticked off our count, when I opened my mouth, the perfection of the moment poured out of me.

And the crowd
. . . went . . . wild.

The songs meld
ed together in a sorrowful outpouring of the poison that threatened to kill me. Each one built on the last until I was belting out the final track of our play list with an emotional depth that stretched me until I thought I was going to bust into a thousand shards of nothing.

The lights extinguish
ed and I mentally collapsed. Scout grabbed my arms and dragged me off stage to a roaring crowd that was nearly deafening.