Back to You (29 page)

“Okay!” Erin exclaimed, stepping into her shoes.

As they exited the lobby, Michael grabbed a pamphlet with class information and folded it into his jacket.

Once outside, he turned toward Lauren, stuffing both hands in his pockets. “So…”

“Can we get hotdogs, Daddy?” Erin asked, pointing to a vendor on the corner. “I’m hungry.”

Michael glanced at his watch before looking at Lauren. “We didn’t eat dinner yet. I didn’t think filling her up with food and then bringing her here to turn upside down was the best order of operations.”

Lauren laughed. “Probably a good call.”

“You want to grab a bite with us?”

“Sure.”

Michael smiled as he reached down to take Erin’s hand. “Okay, birthday hotdogs it is.”

They walked down the street toward the vendor, and Lauren zipped her jacket all the way up to her chin, crossing her arms in front of herself against the cold.

By the time they ordered their hotdogs, Lauren’s teeth were chattering. She could barely uncross her arms long enough to reach for the hotdog Michael handed her.

She looked down at Erin, standing next to her father, taking small, unhurried bites of her hotdog, and then back up to Michael, whose casual posture mirrored his daughter’s. His jacket wasn’t even zippered.

“My God, aren’t you freezing?” Lauren said through her tight jaw, curling her hands around the warmth of the bun.

Michael smiled. “I work outside, remember? I’m kind of immune to it.”

“Right,” Lauren said, a shudder ripping through her shoulders as she took a bite of her hotdog.

She heard Michael laugh, and then suddenly he was behind her, wrapping his arms around the front of her body.

For the slightest second, Lauren felt herself hesitate. But his body was shielding her from the cold wind, his chest broad and comfortable behind her, and when he began rubbing his hands up and down her arms, she lost the battle.

She dropped her head back onto his shoulder, pressing herself farther back against his chest.

Damn muscle memory.

“Better?” he asked softly, and she nodded.

“Much.”

He wrapped one arm tightly around her waist, holding her against him while he ate his hotdog with the other, and Lauren allowed herself to be enveloped by him as Erin skipped around them, singing to herself while she finished her dinner.

Eventually, Michael released her to throw his napkin in the trash can, and she immediately mourned the loss of his warmth behind her.

“Okay baby,” he said, glancing down at his watch again. “We have to get home and get you in the tub. Say thank you to Lauren.”

“Hold on,” Lauren said. “I have her present in the car.”

“I get a present?” Erin asked excitedly. “I thought my present was the flips!”

“Well, there’s a little something else.”

“Daddy, can I go get my present? Please?”

Michael was looking at Lauren. “You know you didn’t have to do that.”

“I know. I wanted to. Is it okay?” She realized too late that maybe she should have run it by Michael first.

He smiled as Erin grabbed his hand and started towing him toward Lauren. “Yes, it’s okay. Where are you parked?”

“Right at the end of the street,” she said, starting to walk in the direction she indicated, and she felt Erin take one of her hands. She looked down at Erin, walking in between her and Michael with one of their hands clasped in each of hers, and then she looked up at Michael.

He was smiling down at his daughter with the same level of adoration that Erin had looked at him with earlier, and Lauren swallowed hard against the lump in her throat.

When they reached her car, Lauren started it and blasted the heat before pulling Erin’s present out of the backseat and shutting the door.

She walked around the front of the car to where Erin was standing on the sidewalk and handed her the pink bag with purple and silver ribbon curling from the handle.

“I believe you said you needed one of these. Every princess should have one,” she added with a wink.

Erin reached in and pulled out the crown, a silver, sparkling tiara complete with purple and pink jewels.

She gasped and looked up at Lauren before she threw her little body forward, wrapping her arms around Lauren’s neck with a strength Lauren didn’t think a four-year-old was capable of.

Lauren smiled, hugging her back, and as soon as she released her, Erin put the crown on her head. “Daddy, can I wear this in the bath?”

Michael laughed. “We’ll see.” He turned to Lauren. “Thank you for that. For everything. Really.”

“You’re welcome,” Lauren said as she stood. When he held his arms out to her, she didn’t hesitate stepping into them this time. Her arms came up around his neck, and he slid his around her waist, holding her securely against his body.

Michael’s hand came to her head, stroking down the back of her hair, and she closed her eyes and inhaled slowly. His familiar scent filled her nose, and without thinking, she turned her head slightly, nuzzling into the side of his neck.

She felt his breath catch before he tightened his hold on her, turning his face into her hair.

Butterflies exploded in her stomach, and the surface of her skin began tingling.

She could feel the heat of his breath shivering along the side of her neck with every exhale, and she slid her arms down from around his shoulders, knowing she needed to end the contact. But even as her mind sent the warning, she fisted her hands in the front of his jacket, refusing to let him go.

He turned his head a little further, and Lauren felt the fullness of his lips brush against the shell of her ear. Her heart felt like it was going to crash through her chest, and she tightened her fists in his jacket as she warred with herself over what she wanted to do and what she needed to do.

She turned her face away from his neck, taking a deep breath of cold, unscented air, and it was just enough to clear her head.

Lauren released his jacket and took a step back, breaking his hold on her. “Good night, Michael,” she said.

And before he could even respond, she was walking around the back of her car. “Good night, Erin,” she called.

“Good night, Miss Lauren. I love my crown,” she said, holding it on her head with both hands while she spun in a circle, and Lauren smiled as she slid in the car and shut the door.

She drove off without looking back.

She could not allow herself to look back.

Her heart was still racing, and the faint tingling continued to dance over her skin.

Tonight had been about Erin. Tonight, she wanted to make Erin happy. All her focus had gone into that, and not so much into watching her interactions with Michael. Too many times tonight, the line had gotten blurred.

But the scariest thing was, she hadn’t cared enough to pull back.

She needed to submerge herself in something that would occupy her mind, something that would prevent her from thinking too closely about what had just happened.

She had a case study coming up in one of her classes. It wasn’t due for several weeks, but as she drove home, she began planning how to start it. Lauren knew from experience that the tedious research would be just what she needed to lose herself for a little while.

As soon as she walked through the door, she powered up her laptop and made herself a cup of tea. Then she sat on her bed with her laptop beside her and a textbook sprawled over her thighs, burying herself in her work.

About an hour into her research, the soft chime of a bell sounded from the computer, notifying her she had a new e-mail message.

She pulled her eyes from the textbook and leaned over, clicking on her mail icon, and her heart leapt into her throat when she saw it was from Michael.

Lauren knew opening the message would be unwise, not to mention counterproductive, but she clicked on it anyway.

Lauren,

Thank you again for tonight. And just so you know, Erin did wear the crown in the tub. In fact, as I type this, it’s lying on the pillow next to her head as she’s sleeping. Figured you’d get a kick out of that. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for her. And for me. You’re still the same in the best ways, but you’re different in the best ways too, if that makes sense. Anyway, I attached a song to this message. It makes me think of you. Actually, it makes me think of us.

Lauren stopped reading and glanced at the attachment. She could only see that it was by Coldplay before she quickly closed out of the message.

And then she fell back onto her bed and covered her face with both hands.

She couldn’t finish reading that e-mail. And she definitely couldn’t listen to whatever song he’d sent. She was on the verge of doing something stupid. Something she absolutely could not allow herself to do.

She could feel the inclination building. Like a caged animal clawing at her insides, fighting to get out.

Lauren took a deep breath and did the only thing she knew could prevent that from happening; she allowed her mind to go back to the place she’d been avoiding since she was eighteen.

L
auren didn’t like his room like this. It made everything seem too final. Too real.

She sat on Michael’s bed, looking around at the bare walls, at the clutter of boxes scattered around his floor, at his half-empty closet.

She’d had the entire summer to come to terms with the fact that he was leaving. After all, that’s what people did when they graduated; they went off to college.

Except he wasn’t going off to college. He was moving to New York. His friend Jay’s cousin lived out there, about a half hour north of New York City, and he’d offered both of them a place to stay until they decided what they wanted to do with themselves after graduating.

Maybe that was what made it so difficult to accept. The uncertainty of it all. The fact that he didn’t have a plan. Or maybe it was the fact that he was leaving without a reason. He wasn’t going to school. He wasn’t offered a job. He had nothing out there to call his own. So why did he have to go? Why couldn’t he decide what he wanted to do with his life right here? Why couldn’t he figure it all out in the house that was a mere seven minutes away from Lauren’s, where she could still see him whenever she wanted?

Lauren chewed her lip as she picked at her nail polish. She knew that was an incredibly selfish way of looking at it.

She glanced up at him. He was still looking down at the picture she’d just given him, the one she took of them at his graduation a few weeks earlier. There was something behind his eyes that made her feel sad, even though his lips were curved into a smile.

“Thanks Red,” he said, holding up the picture before he turned and placed it between two folded articles of clothing in the box in front of him.

Lauren shrugged. “Something to remember me by.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “Don’t get dramatic,” he said with a laugh, tossing a crumpled T-shirt at her.

She tried to smile as she dodged it, but it was forced. There was an ache in her chest that fluttered every time she looked at him.

Michael reached into his closet, pulling a handful of shirts off their hangers and dropping them on the dresser in front of him, and then he began folding them and putting them in the box by his feet.

“So…what are you gonna do out there?” Lauren asked.

He lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “Dunno. Maybe I’ll work. Maybe I’ll go to school. Maybe I’ll make it as a gigolo.”

Lauren laughed and threw the T-shirt back at him, and it landed over the back of his head. He reached up and pulled it off, casting a smile over his shoulder before he tossed it to the pile on his dresser.

“Will you come home?” she asked, and when he didn’t answer right away, her smile fell. “You know, for holidays and stuff?”

She watched him put another shirt in the box before he shook his head.

“You won’t come back at all?” she asked, a touch of panic seeping into her voice.

Michael turned toward her. “We’ll still see each other, Red. You can come visit me whenever you want. But…I can’t come back here.” He turned back toward the box and pulled a shirt from the top of the dresser. “I need to erase this place. Get away from the fucking disaster I’ve created here.”

Disaster
? She would have laughed if he didn’t sound so upset. He couldn’t be serious, could he?

“Come on, Michael. No one cares about what happens in high school. So you got in a few fights. Getting suspended doesn’t really count as major life errors.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

His words were clipped, and Lauren looked up at him. His back was still to her, but he had tensed visibly.

She pulled her brow together. “Well then, what are you talking about?”

He stood like that for a minute, saying nothing. Then he dropped his head, shaking it slowly.

“What is it?” she asked softly. “Tell me.”

He turned and looked at her, laughing humorlessly. “Well, I guess I got nothing to lose now, right?”

A strange feeling settled in the pit of her stomach at his words. “I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”

Michael leaned back against his dresser, his eyes on her. “You know my dad left when I was five. But do you want to know why?”

Lauren blinked at him. She had never broached this subject with him, and she had no idea why he would be bringing it up now.

“If you want to tell me.”

“Because he found out I was someone else’s kid. Turns out my mom cheated on him, and I was the souvenir.”

A heavy lump settled in Lauren’s stomach as she tried to keep her face composed. She had no idea what to say to that.

“He wanted nothing to do with my mother, and nothing to do with me,” Michael continued. “He packed his shit that night, and the next morning he was gone.”

“Michael,” she said softly, the word sounding somewhat strangled despite her best effort.

He shrugged nonchalantly. “He came back for my brother a few times. But seeing me and my mom made him so miserable that eventually he moved to California. So because of the bastard child he couldn’t stand looking at, Aaron ended up losing his real dad.”