Back to the Heart (8 page)

“As it is now, that’s what I’ll probably be doing,” Ana said, sounding disappointed by the prospect.

“You never know what the future holds.” He looked up at her, grinning. “One minute, you could be tending to cattle, and the next, you could be living the high life.”

“Not likely. Not in this world.”

If only she knew
, Ryan thought.
If only she knew.

It killed Ana how amazing Ryan was. She had been fighting her desire for him all day. And now he was being a gentleman, taking all of her cues to back off and giving her the space that she needed to resist him.

It would have been easy to fall into the role of girlfriend. The way he had gotten closer to her when they walked made her think he wanted to hold her hand. She would have liked that, the heat from his palm so close to hers, the intimacy of their fingers threaded together. People had already been giving them looks, women specifically. There was jealousy behind their eyes as Ana had strolled down Main Street with the handsome stranger. And why shouldn’t they look at Ryan? He was beautiful.

But he wasn’t hers. No matter how much her family loved him, he didn’t belong here. She needed to distance herself from him, but it was so difficult when he was the only thing that made her feel alive.

“Do you have kids, Ryan?”

The question seemed to catch him off guard. He looked up at her. “No.”

“Do you want kids someday?” Her hand moved under the table to rub her stomach.

“I’d love to have kids of my own someday, or to take on someone else’s.”

The way he said it, staring straight at her, sent a pleasant shiver throughout Ana’s body. It was like he meant the child within her specifically. Did he?

“I’m not ready to be a mother yet. You would think at my age, I’d be bursting with the desire to have a kid, but I need to have my life together first. Life was supposed to take a certain path, you know. I was supposed to get a good job, meet a great man, get married, then have kids. It’s weird having things not work out the way you planned them.”

“That’s life, Ana. It’s not always perfect, but things happen the way they do for a reason.”

“What about you? Have things happened for you the way you thought they would?” She cut up the rest of her chicken-fried steak, avoiding the heat in his gaze.

“I would say that my life is pretty close to perfect.” Though the way he sighed seemed to indicate the opposite.

“I’m glad. You’re a good guy. My mother absolutely adores you. She’s going to be heartbroken when you leave.”

“And what about you?”

She paused, choosing her words carefully. “It will be hard losing a new friend.”

Ana expected him to press, but instead, he said, “Tell me about your father.”

Just thinking about her father caused pain. Even though he had died two years ago, the wound seemed fresh. His absence from Celia’s wedding yesterday had brought it to light. She knew they had all felt it, the empty void where he should have been, the missed smiles and dances. The wedding would have been a much brighter event with him there.

“He died of a heart attack when he was out plowing the fields one day. That’s probably the main reason my mother switched from farming to ranching. She couldn’t stand that the fields killed him,” she said somberly.

Ryan reached across the table, placing his hand on top of hers. “Your mother hasn’t talked about him much.”

“She’s still hurting. We all are. He was the rock of our family. I mean, he and Mom shared equal responsibilities. She was never one to laze around, but there was just something about him. He was the perfect father, always knew the right things to say, knew how to chase away the nightmares and give good advice and turn a frown into a smile in the blink of an eye. It kills me that he wasn’t at Celia’s wedding yesterday. It kills me that he’s not around to see his first grandchild be born. He was too good to be cheated out of so much life.” Her eyes began to water.

“Death doesn’t care if you’re good or bad, kind or cruel. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. It comes when it wants and leaves grief in its wake.”

“I know.” She turned her hand over. “It’s still hard dealing with it. I wish I’d been here. I wish I’d gotten to spend more time with him.” Ana pulled away from Ryan to wipe her face with the back of her arm. “I’m sorry. I need to go compose myself.” She fled to the bathroom. She couldn’t do this, not in front of him. He’d wrap her up in his arms, and it would all be over. Her defenses were too weak as it was, and it would only take the tiniest of kindnesses to break them down completely.

What makeup she had been wearing was smeared across Ana’s face. She sniffled as she tried to wipe it off in the mirror of the bathroom. If only Ryan hadn’t brought up her father, maybe she would have been all right. It wasn’t just that, though. He was being perfect. How could she possibly resist him?

He won’t be here forever. You have to push him away.
She’d already allowed herself to fall too far for him. Their ties needed to be severed now, before things got even more painful, before she holed up in her room when he left and didn’t come out for an entire week.

Much as she tried to lie to herself, they were beyond the point of friends. The kiss last night had seen to that.

She wiped the last bit of makeup from her eyes and took a deep breath, staring at herself in the mirror. What a sight she was. Her face was blotchy, her eyes were puffy. She thought about waiting until the redness in her face went away, but it would probably be easier for him to take her rejection if she looked like crap.

When she left the bathroom, she was surprised to find Ryan standing at the register paying their bill.

“Are you ready?” He smiled down at her.

She’d never been more ready to leave anywhere.

The ride back to the ranch was mostly silent. Ryan asked if she was all right, and she simply nodded. He tried to make idle conversation, but she shut him down with short replies. By the time they pulled into the driveway, his face was filled with concern.

“We need to talk,” she said as they climbed out of the truck.

“All right.” He slipped his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

“Can we?” She pointed to the barn. The thought of spilling her guts to Ryan made her feel ill. He needed to understand everything she’d been through, to know why she was so afraid of getting burned again.

“Of course.” He gestured for her to lead the way, and she wrapped her arms around herself, feeling vulnerable as she walked into the barn and found a bale of hay to sit on. The fact that he sat right next to her didn’t make her feel any more comfortable, but perhaps he’d be less apt to want to be close when he realized why she needed him to keep his distance.

“I’m not sure what you think is going on between us, but it has to stop.” Just saying the words made her feel numb inside. “I don’t think you understand everything I’ve been through these past few months, so I’m going to explain it, and if you have any compassion for me at all, you’ll realize why I can’t fall for you.”

“I’m listening.”

“I moved to New York five years ago to follow my dream of being a paralegal in a big city. I know it sounds campy, but that’s the life I wanted at the time. I was more than willing to trade all of this.” She gestured around the barn. “To make a long story short, I didn’t get the job I wanted. Instead of being hired on as paralegal, I got hired as a receptionist for Fasken Law Firm with the promise that if a paralegal position opened up, I’d be promoted. The problem was that I wasn’t. A position came open, and instead of promoting me, they hired someone else. I was furious, but I kept telling myself that maybe next time I’d get the job. I was lying to myself, making just enough money to get by and hoping for something that wasn’t going to happen.

“But something did happen  My boss, who had never looked in my direction before, suddenly started taking an interest in me. I’d always been attracted to him. When he wanted to date me, I was thrilled. I thought things would be better, that I’d finally get the promotion. There was no way he couldn’t give it to me if we were a couple.

“Of course, I didn’t just want to date him because of the promotion. He was handsome and amazing, and he swept me off my feet. It was like some storybook romance. Except that it wasn’t.” Ana shook her head. “He wasn’t interested in me at all, just in what was between my legs. And like most poor little farm girls who have no idea how big-city men work, I fell for it: his charm, his money, his status. I believed his slick words, that he cared for me, that he wanted to take care of me.” Disgust filled her voice as the memories stabbed her heart. How stupid she had been. She had been nothing more than a fling to him, the next girl in a line of girls he had wooed and bedded.

“And then you got pregnant,” Ryan said softly.

“And then I got pregnant.” The words couldn’t sound any more bitter if she tried, even though she loved the life inside of her.

“And I’m guessing he wasn’t too pleased about that.”

“Beyond displeased. He didn’t believe me. And then he called me a whore who was after his money.” It had been like being punched in the gut. She had allowed herself to fall in love with the jerk, and in the span of one sentence, he had turned into an enemy. “He fired me. And as bad as that sounds, it wasn’t the worst. I tried to get a job, but no one would hire me. I applied at a retail store that one of my friends worked at. My friend told me that when her boss called Fasken Law Firm for a reference, Rick Fasken had told them I was a horrible employee, that I called in sick all the time, made a lot of errors, and that he thought I was on drugs.

“I took the Fasken Law Firm job out of my résumé, but by that time it was too late. I was almost out of money, and my apartment lease was about to be up. Rick pretty much left me for dead. He didn’t give a crap if I, or his child, starved to death on the street. And here I am now.” She sighed, looking up at the light shining down through the barn window, casting a luminous glow on the hay and dirt near their feet.

Ryan cursed, and when Ana looked over at him, his expression was sheer anger. “This Rick Fasken guy can’t be that big of a deal if I’ve never heard of him.”

“Why would you have heard of him? You live in Pittsburgh; he lives in New York. And what would it matter if you had heard of him?” There was nothing Ryan could do. Even if he wanted to solve her problems for her, Rick was nearly two thousand miles away. The best thing she could do was forget about it, move on, and not repeat the same mistake.

“But anyway, now you know my story. Now you know why I can’t handle anything more right now. I came here to put my life back together. Allowing myself to get close to you, it would only make me fall apart again.” She shook her head, picking at one of her nails.

“I can fix this for you.” He turned to her with determination in his eyes.

“It’s a sweet gesture, but there’s no need.”

“Rick may be a lawyer, but I have bigger lawyers on my side. What he did to you is defamation of character. You could sue him, and you could win. You can’t let him ruin your life like this, Ana.”

“It’s too late for that.”

“It’s not too late. This guy should pay for what he did to you.” Ryan’s passion was endearing to Ana. There was no doubt in her mind that he would reach out to whoever he could to try to help her. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. She certainly didn’t have any cards of her own left to play.

“I can’t afford a lawyer.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s the least I can do for the kindness you and your family have shown me.” The lines in his face softened with her surrender.

“The kindness of keeping you out in the barn and making you work from sunup to sundown,” she teased, bumping her shoulder against his.

“I don’t do anything I don’t want to do, Ana.” He brushed a strand of hair away from her face, causing her body to throb with desire.

“Well, I’m hoping you’re not expecting anything in return, otherwise I’ll have to refuse your generosity.”

“All I want from you is your time. Nothing more.” His body spoke the opposite. The heat in his eyes was scorching, and it was hard for Ana to look at him without her own need bubbling to the surface.

“I think I can give you that.”

“If I were to stay, would you feel differently about me?”

The question caught her off guard and filled her with a sense of hope. Was he thinking about staying? “You’re an amazing person. I don’t think I could like you any more than I do right now.” Ana’s cheeks flushed.

“I’m glad.” His face lit up with a smile.

“I mean, I’d like for you to stay. I’d like to get to know you better. But I’d like to take things slow. I’m still not ready for—”

“Then I’ll stay.”

“What?” Her heart skipped a beat in disbelief. Did he really mean it? Was he going to stick around just for her?

“I’ll stay, and we’ll take things slow, as slow as you need to take them.” He slid his hand over hers, lacing their fingers together.

Ana was too shocked to pull away. “You mean . . . you’re not leaving in a week?”

“Well, I do have to go back next Monday for a business meeting, but I’ll return as soon as I can. I’ve already talked things over with your mother, and she says she could use the extra help.”