Back To Me (15 page)

              “I don’t think we’ve ever really been apart, have we?” I questioned. “Every day has been about you. Every thought. Every dream. It’s always begun and ended with you. I’ve never let you go.”

              “You have to now, Billy. This time you
have
to. I’m not the woman I was before. And what if Raul shoots you again?
That scares me more than anything!
You have no idea what I went through. Not knowing if you’d live or die; how
I
suffered watching your lifeless body in that hospital, unable to do
anything!
And now with Raul involved? I can’t be a part of that.”

              Heather’s voice rose to hysterical levels and I needed her to calm down before she had a panic attack.

              “I’m sorry to have put you through that, angel.
I am
. You have no idea how I fought to get back to you. I was already done with the job. I’d already made up my mind that I was walking away
. I swear
. Just a few more days and I was coming home to you. I was giving it all up for a life with you!” I was the one raising my voice now, but I had to make her see reason.

              “You were?” she asked, stunned.

              “Yes, baby, I was. I’d been thinking about it for a while, even before I was shot. I was done.”

              “And now?”

              “And now what?” I asked.

              “Don’t you miss all of the excitement? Won’t going after Raul put you right back into what you were walking away from?”

              She had a point. A valid point, and all I could do was be honest from here on out. I reached back and turned off the stove and taking her hand in mine, I led us to the couch.

              “Heather, I think the best thing we can do right now is just be completely honest with each other. There’s a lot I’ve tried to hide from you, from everyone really, but I’m tired of keeping secrets. You were my best friend once, and I want you to be again.”

              So I sat back and tried to calm my breathing before letting it fly. Heather was relaxing, opening the door for me to bear my soul.

              “When I came home from the hospital and found you gone, I went ballistic. I tore the apartment to pieces. I found your note; a note that I still carry with me to this day.” I pulled the frail paper from my wallet and handed it to Heather so she could see it for herself.

              “It wasn’t until Blake read it to me to confirm the words that I truly believed it. I stayed there for a few days, hoping you’d return. I was about to climb the walls with worry because I didn’t know what happened to you. Even with all my connections, I couldn’t find anything about you. You didn’t use your credit cards or our bank account, and you left your car. I was sick with worry, but when it dawned on me that you didn’t
want
to be found, it was like hitting a brick wall. I had to let you go.”

              I wasn’t trying to make her feel bad, but my hope was that if I shared my pain, she would open up and talk to me about hers. I was uncomfortable as hell, not used to having to explain myself, or my feelings, but it had to be done.

              “I came back to Montana a few months after you left. Blake promised to keep in touch, and he also promised to keep an eye on you if he ever found you. What were the odds that you’d end up working for Tommy?” I chuckled at the luck, and then continued.

              “I know about Tommy’s place because when I worked undercover, I had to visit the bar quite often.”

              I swallowed hard and looked down. This wasn’t going to be easy.

              “I never cheated on you, angel, I swear I didn’t. But I had to play the part, or be killed. Every night I just wanted to get home to you. I begged and pleaded for it to all be over, but Tom always wanted a little more information, hoping that the next piece of the puzzle would take Raul and his crew down for good. I couldn’t argue with orders and I couldn’t blow my cover. For my sake and for Blake’s. I didn’t want his blood on my hands.”

              She nodded her head, understanding. “What else?” she whispered. I’d never talked about my job with her.
Ever
. Or with anyone else for that matter.
Rule number six: Keep your mouth shut
.

              “After I came back here, I became the sheriff.”

              Heather snapped her head towards me and grinned. “Sheriff Billy?” she snickered.

              “Yeah, Sheriff Billy,” I said in a mocking voice. “Anyway, things were slow in this small town, as you can imagine. For the first few months anyhow and then Lauren came to town.” I was trying to read Heather. She, however, had one hell of a poker-face; not letting on that another woman bothered her in the least.

              “I told you the story, remember? Luke is my best friend, has been since we were kids, and Lauren is his wife. Anyway it’s not my story to tell, but she had some trouble that followed her here. Long story short, we got the guy, he’s dead, and they’re happily married with a daughter. Her name is Sam.” I beamed with pride just thinking about her.

              “You must love them all very much.”

              “I do,” I shrugged. “But I’m ashamed to say I’ve not been a very good friend to them. Once all the drama was over, I got the itch to do something different. I know it sounds selfish, but I was miserable, and I needed to get away. I couldn’t stand seeing someone else have the life that I wanted. I still missed you like crazy.”

              “That’s understandable,” she muttered. I don’t know if it was simply an effort to make me feel better, or if she really could sympathize with how I felt. Either way, it was nice to have a real conversation with her.

              “I took on more undercover work. Nothing like the case they were building against Raul, but a few minor jobs working here and there. They started pressuring me to go back in full-time. I contemplated it for a while and thought why not? I didn’t have you or anything else in my life, but after a while I wasn’t happy. That’s when I finally quit for good,
again
. I came back here and shut down; I shut everyone out. I sat here alone and I drank for months.” I lowered my head in shame.

              “That’s what you were doing last night? Why you got so mad at me?” It wasn’t a question. She hit the nail right on the head.

              “Yes.”

              “I found out what no one else knows?”

              “Yes and no. Luke found me here a few days ago drunk off my ass. It was the day Blake came and told me about you…about the danger you were in. I lost it.”

              “Well, I hate that you had a reason to drink and that you’ve felt so alone. I’m sure your friends would’ve understood. You should’ve talked to them. You should’ve let them be there for you.”

              “I couldn’t. I was held to such a high standard because of the situation with Lauren, but it was too hard to live upon that pedestal. They’d have been so disappointed in me.”

              “I’ve never forgiven myself for walking away from you, Billy, but it’s not what you think.”

             
Wait, what?
Did she understand that I always assumed her leaving was because I was hurt? Because she was afraid I wouldn’t be myself? Or maybe it was because the constant danger of my job had driven her away. Had there been someone else?

              “What do you mean?”

              “Oh, Billy, I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you anymore. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I left because I let you down in the worst way possible, and I didn’t think you’d ever forgive me!” Heather stood and began pacing the floor.

              Tears escaped her beautiful yet sad eyes, but I didn’t go to her. I stayed rooted where I was. I had a feeling I needed to sit for the bombshell she was about to drop.

              Nothing, and I mean
nothing
could’ve prepared me for what she said next.

17

Heather

              I was still pacing, so afraid of sharing my painful secret. It was still unbearable for me to live with, and I’d had years to grieve. Billy was about to learn the truth and I was scared. Well, if I wanted away from him; if I wanted him to hate me in order to turn me loose, this was sure to do it.

              “Angel, you’re scaring me. Whatever it is, just tell me.” Billy pleaded, but he had no idea the magnitude of what he was asking.

              I shook with apprehension. I’d never told another living soul. Not Trace. Not Johnny. Not even Blake knew. When I left the hospital that day, I never went back. I vanished into thin air, which is what I wanted.
I had to.

              I let my tears go, releasing pent-up grief with each one that fell. Billy sat forward and rested his large frame on the edge of the cushion. His hands were folded together and his breathing accelerated.

              “Heather, please,” he implored. “Was there someone else? Was there another man? If so, I forgive you!”

             
How could he even think that!?
“There’s never been anyone but you!” I screamed at him.

              “Never?”

              “Never. I haven’t been with anyone since I left!” It was the truth. Sure I had one or two dates, but they never went any farther. The guilt I lived with prevented me from having a normal life.

              “Okay. Was it because of my job, or because you were afraid I’d be damaged?”

              I went to him, sitting beside him as close as I could and I grabbed his hand in mine.

              “No. Never even entered my mind. I wouldn’t have cared if you were in a wheelchair for the rest of your life, and I would’ve never looked at you any differently. I would’ve taken care of you. You would never have been
damaged
to me.
I left because of me!
Because of what I did!”

              “You had nothing to do with me being shot, angel
. Nothing
!” Billy said, tucking a strand of loose hair behind my ear.

              “I know that. I do. But I……”

              I hung my head and closed my eyes. I couldn’t face him.
I couldn’t do this.
I couldn’t break him again.

              Billy squeezed my hand in his, and rubbed his fingers back and forth over my knuckles.

              “Angel, you have to tell me. If for no other reason than to let go of this pain you’re carrying around. I see it in your eyes every time I look at you. You have to get it out.”

              I sobbed loudly. He was right. I had to tell
someone
, I just wished it wasn’t me breaking his heart all over again.

              “When I got the call that you’d been shot, I was frantic with worry. Blake wouldn’t tell me any details, just the hospital name and that I needed to get there quick. He wasn’t sure how badly you were hurt and the doctors were only giving limited information. I grabbed a few things quickly, not paying any attention to what I was doing, but knowing I wasn’t leaving you until you were released.”

              I sniffled again and wiped my nose on my sleeve.
Gross,
I know, but I couldn’t help it. I heaved a few unladylike breaths as well, and continued.

              “I arrived at the hospital and there were armed guards everywhere. They wouldn’t let me in to see you at first, but Blake was there. He told them who I was and finally they let me through. When I entered your room, I wasn’t prepared for what I saw. You were hooked up to all these machines, and there were tubes and wires going in all different directions. You didn’t look like yourself, and there was so much blood!” I cried.

              “It was my worst fears right there in front of me! I took your hand in mine and I talked to you, but there was no response. The nurse kept urging me to speak, but I was so grief-stricken that nothing would come out.”

              “I heard you,” Billy interjected. “
I heard you, angel
. It was the only thing that kept me fighting. Knowing you were there with me kept me alive.”

              My head snapped up and I stared directly at him, looking for any untruth. His eyes were glazed with unshed tears and I knew he was being honest. He’d heard me, just like the nurse said he might. He was fighting so hard, and I’d left him. I’d walked away like it didn’t matter. Like
he
didn’t matter.

              “Oh, Billy,” I wailed, “I’m so sorry!”

              He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him. I went willingly, soaking his shirt with my tears in the process. When I felt like I could finish the story, I sat up and faced him.

              “I stayed with you for days. I didn’t eat, I barely slept, and Blake argued with me all the time that I needed to take care of myself. But I was so afraid if I left you, you’d be gone when I got back. I was so afraid of losing you and yet if you had to go, I didn’t want you to die alone. Thirteen days passed and still nothing. There was no change, and even the doctors couldn’t explain it.”

              I paused, giving myself time to compose my thoughts. Billy waited patiently for me to continue.

              “I had an appointment that day, Billy. I hadn’t been feeling well and I knew something wasn’t right. I tried so hard to tell you. I was waiting for you to come home so that we could celebrate together, but we never got the chance.”

              “Appointment for what? Were you sick?” he asked with worry.

              “Yeah, you could say that. Two days before Blake called me to tell me you were hurt, I found out I was pregnant, Billy. We were going to have a baby.”

              I watched as his face went ashen and then blank. I kept talking to fill the silence.

              “I lost the baby, Billy. The last day I was at the hospital with you, and it’s all my fault!!”

              I buried my hands in my face and sobbed harder, letting go of all the hurt and pain I’d held onto for so long. The cruelty of it all threatened to pull me under at first, but it quickly became therapeutic. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

              I felt the couch shift. Billy was literally crumbling beside me.
He was crushed
. He rolled from the couch to the floor, landing on his knees as he cried, asking
why.

              I fell down beside him and wrapped him tightly in my arms. “I’m so sorry, Billy. Believe me, I didn’t want it to happen like this. I never even wanted to tell you! I know you hate me! God, I’m so, so sorry.” I continued holding him, and it wasn’t long before he embraced me back.

              “Tell me everything,” he said, meekly.

              “I was waiting for Blake. He had promised he’d stay with you. I lied and told him that I needed to run home, take a shower and get a few more things, but really I had an appointment with my obstetrician. It was supposed to just be a routine visit that is until I started having unbearable cramps a few minutes before Blake arrived. I was in the restroom, trying to ensure that he didn’t see any of the blood that had trickled down my legs. I already knew what was happening, but I refused to believe it. I was losing our baby, and it was because I hadn’t taken care of myself. So you see, it was my fault and that’s why I left. It was cowardly, I know, but I couldn’t stand to see the look on your face when you found out what I’d done.”

              Billy took his hand and placed it softly on my cheek, wiping away my tears.

              “I got to the doctor’s office, where my fears were confirmed. It was too late to do anything. Dr. O’Shea said it wasn’t my fault, and that there’s no logical reason why these things occur, but I knew better. I hadn’t eaten. I hadn’t slept. I hadn’t taken my vitamins; I hadn’t done anything I was supposed to do, and it’s all my fault.”

              Billy still hadn’t said anything. He just kept staring, silently begging me to explain further; to make sense of any of it, but there wasn’t anything else to tell. It was done and over.

              “How far along were you?”

              “Nine weeks, approximately. Apparently we conceived right before you left to go back in.”

              “And you didn’t know?”

              “Not until right before your accident. I hadn’t had any morning sickness. Nothing was different at all. I even had a period, which the doctor said was not uncommon. Two days before Blake called to tell me you had been shot, I had been for a routine checkup. The pregnancy showed up in the blood work.”

              Several minutes passed before Billy said anything else. As a matter of fact, all he did was stare straight ahead at the wall. He’d quit holding me. He’d shifted back to put distance between us. I’d killed his child and he had every reason to be repulsed by me.
I was repulsed with myself
. I rose slowly, still glancing in his direction and waiting for him to stop me. He didn’t.

              I ran to my room and began packing my few belongings. I changed my clothes, opting for a warm pair of jeans and a flannel button-up. I was suddenly chilled to the bone, feeling the loneliness that would never go away.
I’d finally lost everything
.

              I slung my duffle over my shoulder, wheeling the larger suitcase behind me. I never even lifted my gaze until I reached the front door. A pair of black boots and jean clad legs blocked my path.

              “Going somewhere?” he asked.

              “Um…yeah. I thought I’d stay in town tonight and try to hitch a ride out tomorrow.”

              “Go unpack.”

              “What?”

              “Go. Unpack,” he reiterated with precision.

              “But, I thought…..”

              “You think what you just told me changes things?” he laughed. “No, angel, it doesn’t. Our baby is dead. Happens to people every day. No big deal,” he shrugged. It was a jagged knife to my soul.
How could he be so callous?

              “Billy, I’m not staying here. I’m upset and I know you’re upset. We’ll end up saying some things we’ll both regret, and I just need to go. It’s for the best.”

              I stepped around him and barely had my hand on the doorknob when he spoke, “
So you’re just gonna run again
? Because that worked out so well for you the last time? You gonna go back to Tommy? Maybe take Raul up on his offer?”

              Before I knew what was happening, I dropped my bags to the floor, stepped closer and slapped the shit out of him. He’d pushed me over the edge
again!

              “How
dare
you! How
dare
you speak to me like that! You think I wanted to leave you? That was the hardest damn thing I’ve
ever
done! Do you think I wanted to lose our baby? I loved that baby from the minute I found out I was pregnant! I was so excited to share the news with you. I thought you’d be happy!
But you weren’t there, were you?
You were off playing a damn hero, getting yourself shot! And where was I? I was home,
alone
. I was the one left to deal with everything. I was the one sitting with you and holding your hand every minute of every day!” I spat.

              “I was the one experiencing
everything
on my own. And Tommy’s? Yeah, it’s a shitty place to work, but I did what I had to do to survive. And not once in the four years that I worked for him did he
ever
treat me the way you just did!”

              I turned abruptly, gathered my bags and walked out the front door. I was done.
I was so freaking done.
As soon as my foot hit the gravel, I heard him. I heard him running behind me to catch up, the gravel crunching in protest under his boots.

              “You think I don’t know that this is my fault!” he screamed, grabbing me around the shoulders and causing me to stop in my tracks.

              “If I hadn’t been shot, none of this shit would’ve happened. You think I don’t know the stress you were under? Watching me suffer and lay there? You think I’m too stupid to figure out that caused you pain and led to the death of our child? Why the hell do you think I’m so mad? That I’m so upset?
This is on me!
” he screamed, pointing at himself.

              Spit and slobber flew from his lips as his composure waned. He was losing it, more so than I had ever seen. His eyes were bloodshot, he was gasping for air, and his whole body shook, riddled with the same grief and guilt I’d carried for so long.

              I again dropped my bags and ran towards him, barreling into him at full speed. I wrapped myself around him, legs and all, and I held him while he cried and screamed. He ranted and raved, never once turning loose of me. This was him letting it all out. This was him getting his chance to mourn the loss of something he knew nothing about until twenty minutes ago. I had to give him time. Maybe in time we could forgive ourselves and each other.