Bachelor Father (9 page)

She was so perfect, Katherine thought, a lump of emotion lodging in her throat. So helpless, too. Amanda depended on her to make everything turn out right, and she was determined the baby’s instinctive faith wouldn’t be misplaced. Amanda deserved the best life Katherine could give her, and that’s what she’d get.

Gradually Katherine became aware that the cabin was completely silent except for the crackling of the fire. She glanced up, expecting Zeke to have gone out for more wood. Instead he was standing by the fireplace gazing at her and Amanda. The minute Katherine saw him there, he turned and crouched down next to the kettle hanging over the flames and began to stir the contents.

“Is there something I can do?” she asked, pretending she hadn’t seen that wrenching expression of longing on his face. “Set the table or something? Amanda’s asleep.”

He didn’t turn. “Napkins and silverware are in the top drawer next to the refrigerator.” His voice had a definite huskiness to it.

Oh, God, she should never have come here, Katherine thought. She should have overruled Naomi and sent Zeke a letter, just like he’d said. Then this man who had grown up an orphan wouldn’t have any picture in his mind of the little family he’d created and yet couldn’t be part of.

Except he could be a part of Amanda’s life, if he’d allow himself to. When she was too little to send to Wyoming, Katherine could bring her. Sure, the contact with Zeke would be tough, knowing they had no future, but if she could survive this weekend, she could survive anything. And it would be better for Amanda, and better for Zeke, who was not going to forget this little baby, not judging from the look on his face a moment ago.

She eased out of the rocker and leaned down to lay Amanda in the makeshift bassinet. The arrangement made Katherine smile. Amanda fit inside the brass kettle perfectly. Another month and she’d be too big for it, but it was exactly the right size now. Katherine had left her camera in her room at the lodge or she would have considered taking a picture of Amanda to save for when she was older. Assuming Zeke would be a viable part of her life, that was.

She walked over to the kitchen area, but when she tried to open the drawer Zeke had indicated, she realized why he’d been making so much noise. All the drawers were swollen from the rain. The silverware clattered as she put some muscle into it and pulled hard enough to get the drawer open.

“I found a box of hot cocoa mix, if you’d like that to drink,” Zeke said from his position by the fire. “I’ve already heated water for instant coffee.”

“Cocoa’s fine.” Katherine set the table with Zeke’s utilitarian white napkins and his stainless steel. There was something appealing about his uncomplicated life-style. She was beginning to appreciate that a minimum of possessions meant more time to do other things. Unfortunately one of the things she longed to do wasn’t wise.

“If you’ll bring me a couple of bowls, I’ll dish this out.”

“Sure.” She opened cupboard doors until she found the bowls and took two out. Walking over toward the fire, she took a deep sniff of warm stew and thought what a cozy setup this was, having all the conveniences in one room. If they were a couple, this night in the cabin could be a lot of fun, she thought wistfully.

* * *

Z
EKE
SAT
ACROSS
THE
TABLE
from Katherine and tried not to think about sex. It reminded him of an exercise a professor had given during one of his college classes. Everyone was supposed to try not to think of a pink elephant. Nobody could think of anything else
but
a pink elephant.

Katherine used her spoon to point to her bowl of stew. “This is very good.”

“Homemade’s better, but this is okay in a pinch.” The soft light from the kerosene lantern cast the same glow that it had when they’d shared a campsite. He’d cooked her trout that night, and she’d raved about that, too, he remembered.

She took another spoonful of stew. She’d nearly polished off the bowl. “I’m not fussy. As bad a cook as I am, I can’t afford to be.”

He’d guessed she wasn’t much of a cook when she hadn’t leaped to take over his kitchen and whip up something amazing. Women who could cook, even if they’d sprained a wrist, usually liked to show off a little. “I was spoiled,” he said. “Lost Springs had a great cook while I was there. I’m sure people expect boys in an orphanage to live on bread and water, but I swear Millie must have been Julia Child’s clone. We ate like kings.”

“What was life like there?”

“A boy’s paradise. Dogs to wrestle with, horses to ride, cows to chase. We all had chores, of course, and the bigger kids were expected to take care of the smaller ones, but it was like never-ending camp, sleeping in bunkhouses with your buddies, going on roundup together, sleeping under the stars sometimes.”
And sometimes you woke up crying because you dreamed about your mother driving away and leaving you with strangers.

“And now the ranch is in financial trouble?”

“It was. The bachelor auction made a big difference.”

“That’s good.” She picked up her cocoa and took a sip.

“More stew?”

“No, thanks. I’m full and happy.”

He deliberately avoided meeting her gaze. Now would come the tough part of the evening. They’d sat together like this a year ago, and after they’d satisfied their hunger for food, they’d begun to feel the pangs of that other, more erotic hunger.

Tonight would be worse, because he knew what awaited him in Katherine’s arms. He wondered if sex with her would be that wonderful again, or if leftover adrenaline from her scare had made her more passionate that night. Well, unless she made a move toward him, he wouldn’t find out. Damned if he’d take the blame for losing control and landing them in bed together again.

“I can’t imagine you on an auction block,” she said.

“I hated the idea. But I couldn’t say no when everybody else was doing it. If they fell short of their goal I’d always wonder if it was my fault.” He took a swallow of his coffee. “As it turned out, I didn’t have to go up there.”

“No.” She hesitated, her shoulders tight. “Maybe now you wish you had.”

He thought about that. At first he’d wished Katherine hadn’t told him about the baby and had just stayed in New York, but now the idea of never seeing that little face, never touching that tiny body, seemed unthinkable.

He glanced over at the kettle where Amanda lay sleeping. “No, I’m glad you brought her out here.”

She sagged with relief. “Thank you for saying that. All day I’ve been wondering if I made a terrible mistake. I thought maybe it would have been better if you’d never seen her. Then you wouldn’t have any mental pictures, and that might be easier.”

“It would be easier. But not better.”

She toyed with her spoon. “Zeke, couldn’t we work out something where you could have contact with her? At least once in a while?”

Instinctively he threw up his barrier again. “I don’t think so, Katherine. I don’t know anything about taking care of kids.”

“But you just said at Lost Springs the big kids were expected to take care of the small ones. You must have been a big kid at some point.”

“Yeah, but they were boys.”

She smiled.

He wished she wouldn’t smile. Every time she did, his heart beat a little faster and his mouth went dry. When they’d made love in the tent, she’d been full of smiles. He was conditioned to expect pleasure to follow when Katherine smiled.

“Boys and girls aren’t all that different,” she said.

“Maybe not in New York, but out here we consider them a lot different. We even have separate bathrooms and wear different kinds of underwear, both of which are designed for those...differences.”

Her skin grew rosy. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that you can treat a little girl basically the same way you treat a little boy.”

“Is that so? I’m not so sure. On Saturday nights at Lost Springs, some of us would climb in the old ranch van and go to the Isis movie theater in town. And the big guys would take care of the little guys, which meant if one of the younger ones had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the show, one of the older ones would take him and bring him back. Just how would that work with a little girl?”

“To be honest, I hadn’t thought of that. But it seems like a minor problem.”

“Maybe to you. Women have been hauling little boys into the women’s room for generations. No man in his right mind would take a little girl into the men’s room, at least not in this day and age.”

“You could figure out other things to do, outdoor things like hiking and camping. I think you and Amanda—”

“Don’t do this, Katherine.” He was beginning to panic. He knew a ranger who was a noncustodial father, and the guy’s life was a nightmare. He had to face a little stranger every summer, and about the time he got reacquainted with his son, the kid took off for his mother’s house to spend the next nine months changing into yet another stranger. And that guy had more social skills than Zeke, and his kid was a boy, which helped a lot, too. Zeke pictured himself trying to keep up with dolls and dresses and makeup. He couldn’t imagine being able to cope.

“But—”

“I’m glad I had a chance to see her, but this is where it needs to end. Take her back to New York and raise her there. I’ll send you money, but don’t ask me to twist myself into something I’m not just to suit your image of what should be.”

She sighed and stood, gathering her dishes. “I’m not asking you to change anything about yourself, Zeke. Amanda would love you just the way you are.”

“After growing up in New York City?” He picked up his bowl and empty coffee mug, along with the kerosene lantern, and followed her over to the sink. “You think she’d be happy spending time in this little cabin with no TV, no computer games, no friends to play with? Even you are mystified as to how I spend my time.” He set the lantern on the counter. “You couldn’t hack living here for days on end, so what makes you think Amanda will be excited about it? You’d be forcing something on her she didn’t even want, Katherine.”

She set her dishes in the sink and turned to him. “Everybody needs a father!”

“Yeah, well, everybody doesn’t get a father.” He dumped his dishes in with hers in an angry clatter. “Stop trying to make everything turn out perfectly for Amanda. The only way I can imagine her learning to like it here is for you to move in and raise her right in this little cabin. Are you ready for that?”

He was surprised that she didn’t immediately reject his outrageous proposal. He’d meant it as a ridiculous suggestion, but she looked at him as if she might actually be thinking about it. There was a light in her eyes that hadn’t been there a moment ago.

“Don’t kid yourself.” He started rinsing the dishes in cold water. “Don’t think you could sacrifice yourself like that and be even slightly happy.”

“Is it really me you’re worried about?” she asked quietly, leaning on the counter. “Or would you be the one making the biggest sacrifice by allowing a woman and child into your world?”

The concept of having her and Amanda live with him was so stunningly beautiful that he couldn’t speak. And because it would never happen, he put it out of his mind immediately. He scrubbed vigorously at the bits of stew in the bowls.

“It’s okay, Zeke. You don’t have to be afraid that I’ll suddenly camp on your doorstep and ruin your peace and quiet.”

He kept his attention on the dishes, cleaning them as they’d never been cleaned before. “By the way, you can take the bed tonight. I’ll take the floor.”

“Oh, no. I’ll take the floor. I’m the uninvited guest.”

He rinsed the bowls and started scouring out the sink. “Don’t argue with the ranger, ma’am. I sleep on the ground a lot, so a blanket on the floor of a cabin is a step up for me. Besides, if I put you on the floor you’ll toss and turn all night trying to get comfortable and keep me awake.”

“I will not toss and turn.”

“Yeah, you will.” He looked up with a faint smile. “You did last time.”

Her face filled with color. “I’m sorry. Why didn’t you say something?”

“Are you kidding? I wasn’t complaining, just stating a fact.” His body stirred as he gazed at her. “Restlessness has its advantages, sometimes.”

She swallowed. “I’ll take the bed, then.”

“Good.”

CHAPTER NINE

J
UST
AS
Z
EKE
WAS
RUNNING
out of tasks to distract him from his need for Katherine, Amanda came to the rescue by waking up. Thankful for the interruption, he hurried over to scoop her up from her bassinet. “Is she hungry already?” he asked, turning to Katherine.

“I doubt it. But I’ll bet she wants her bath. I give her one every night about this time.”

Washing the baby would take up some time, he thought. “Then let’s heat water in the kettle and give her one.”

“I guess we could use the kitchen sink,” Katherine said. “Let me hold her while you get it ready.”

Zeke carefully transferred a fretting Amanda to Katherine. While he filled the kettle and hung it over the fire, Katherine walked around the cabin and talked to Amanda in the sweet little singsong voice he’d tried to imitate out in the truck. Katherine was a whole lot better at it than he was. The sound of her voice seemed to soothe Amanda, but it had the opposite effect on him. Of course, anything Katherine did seemed to have a stimulating effect where he was concerned.

Too bad he couldn’t take a bath so he could sleep better. He had a feeling he was in for a long, frustrating night. As he filled the sink with water from the kettle, steam warmed his face and neck. “This seems pretty hot. Should I add cold?”

“Probably. It should be lukewarm. After you add some cold, you can test it by sticking your elbow in.”

“My elbow, huh?” He rolled up his sleeves, figuring he’d have to do it anyway when bath time came, added some cold water and dunked his elbow in. It was amazing how it registered the temperature of the water better than his hand. Still too hot. He added cold water a little at a time until he had it the way he imagined it should be.

“How about soap?” he asked.

“I have some liquid soap in the diaper bag. And you’d better have a couple of towels ready, too. And transfer the changing pad to the counter.”

“Got a rubber ducky?”

Katherine laughed. “She’s not quite at that stage.”

Zeke flashed back to a time at the ranch he’d forgotten about, when he’d been put in charge of giving the smallest boys their baths. He’d loved the job and had gone so far as to whittle the kids toy boats they could play with. With a start he wondered if that long-forgotten experience had been the reason he’d bought the big tub for his bathroom.

Someday Amanda would be big enough to sail toy boats in her bathwater. And he had just the tub for that kind of fun, as it turned out. But he wouldn’t be making boats for her or letting her play in the big claw-foot tub.

“I think we’re set.”

“This time I’d better abandon the sling so I can use both hands. You don’t want to deal with a slippery baby one-handed.”

“Keep the sling on.” Without preamble Zeke lifted Amanda into his arms. “Let me do this. You can coach from the sidelines.”

* * *

T
HIS
WAS
WHAT
SHE
wanted, after all, Katherine thought, although it felt strange having someone else give Amanda her bath. Zeke was definitely a fast learner, though. In short order he had Amanda’s sleeper off and was working on her diaper.

He glanced over at Katherine. “So far, so good.”

Amanda cooed and waved her arms.

“She knows what’s coming,” Katherine said. “She likes baths.”

“Yeah, but she’s never had one given by fumble fingers.”

“Don’t be silly. You’re not clumsy.” Quite the opposite, if she remembered correctly.
Adept
came to mind.

“I do a little better with bigger girls.”

Katherine wondered if she’d just have to get used to being constantly needy until she finally left Zeke for good. She leaned against the counter. “We can’t seem to avoid that subject, can we?”

“Pretty tough to avoid it when we’re stuck together like this. And it’s not as if we’ve never made love, so that barrier’s been crossed.”

“And we have the evidence to prove it.” She saw that he was about to get the diaper off by lifting Amanda’s legs one at a time again. When he’d changed her diaper before, she wouldn’t have dared correct him and risk shaking his confidence, but now she felt he was less likely to give up the project if she made a gentle suggestion. “Try holding both ankles and lifting. That way you can slip the diaper out in one motion.”

Zeke followed her direction. “I’ll be damned—uh, doggoned. Big improvement.” He gazed down at Amanda. “Smart mommy you have there, Mandy.”

Too bad she enjoyed his compliments so much. She took the folded diaper he handed her. “If I’d been a little smarter, we wouldn’t be here.”

“You mean because you wouldn’t have tried hiking Yellowstone by yourself?”

“Right.” She walked over to the trash, deposited the diaper and came back to the sink. “Or I would have understood the intricacies of my birth-control pills and known we didn’t dare make love that night.”

Zeke put a restraining hand on the baby as he glanced at Katherine. “Oh, I think we would have made love.”

“And knowingly run the risk of pregnancy? I don’t think so.”

“There are lots of ways to make love.” His dark eyes were warm. “And we’re both pretty smart, as a matter of fact. I’m sure we would have figured out something.”

Her mouth grew moist and her body tightened. “Okay. Maybe you’re right. But if we’re both so smart, why can’t we figure out a solution to this mess we’re in now?”

“Oh, I think you have. You just have to be strong enough to carry it through.” He regarded her quietly for a moment. “And now you’d better tell me how to do this so I don’t drown our baby.”

Her heart wrenched. He’d never used the term
our
before. “Well, you, uh—” A wave of emotion caught her by surprise and she had to clear her throat. “You hold her head and neck with your left hand, and—no, wait. I keep forgetting you’re backwards.”

“Watch your language. This little girl might be left-handed, too.”

“Oops. Sorry. Let’s say you’re opposite from the way I am.”

“That’s better. So I should hold her head and neck in my right hand.”

“Yes, and her bottom in your left.” She hoped Amanda would be left-handed, as well as have Zeke’s bravery and compassion, although she wasn’t sure how much of that could be inherited and how much needed to be taught.

“Got her.” He sounded nervous. “But she’s getting squirmy.”

“This is where your big hands help. Lower her into the water slowly and let her get used to it. Then slide your left hand out and use the washcloth on whatever you can reach. Don’t worry about every nook and cranny.”

“And there sure are a lot of those.” Zeke eased her into the water.

“Oh, and I warn you she likes to splash. She’ll be slippery when she’s wet, so keep a firm grip on her.”

“Okay, wiggly girl. Time to get clean.” Zeke picked up the washcloth and Amanda started kicking. “Hey!” Amanda kicked harder, splashing water on Zeke’s shirt. “Splashing is one thing. This kid’s a motorboat.”

“I probably should have told you to take off your shirt.” Except Katherine didn’t really want a shirtless Zeke walking around the cabin. She reached over and took hold of Amanda’s flailing legs with her left hand. “Easy, baby.”

Amanda stopped kicking and slapped both hands into the water, spraying Zeke’s shirt again as she crowed loudly.

Katherine gave Zeke a look of apology. “She loves this, as you can tell. I usually put on my terry bathrobe when I give her a bath, so it doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t matter, anyway.” Zeke started washing Amanda as he grinned down at her. “Having a good time, aren’t we?”

She grinned back and plopped her hands into the water again.

Zeke chuckled as he continued his gentle movements with the washcloth. “Gonna be a swimmer when you grow up, Mandy? Win a few medals?”

“Maybe she will.” Katherine stood close to Zeke and basked in this moment of togetherness. “Swimming was my sport in high school.”

“I didn’t go out for a team until I was in college, but it helped put me through.”

“You were in swimming, too?” He certainly had the physique for it, she thought. Massive chest and long, lithe legs.

“Yeah, I was. Small world, isn’t it? So, do we do her hair and face?”

“I’ll rinse another washcloth out in the bathroom sink for her face, so we don’t get soap in her eyes. Be right back.”

“Okay.” Zeke sounded unconcerned, totally unlike the last time she’d left him alone with Amanda.

In the bathroom she found a clean washcloth, dampened it and wrung it out. The cloth would be cold, but better that than a soapy one. She’d started back into the main room of the cabin when instinct made her pause.

Without her there, Zeke had entered into a private world with Amanda. Katherine knew the feeling well—the coziness of a charmed circle that included only parent and baby. Zeke leaned over the sink, his shirt soaked as he cradled Amanda in his brawny arms and smiled down at her. He dwarfed the tiny baby, which only made the picture more poignant.

“Want a ride now?” he asked.

Amanda gurgled.

“Okay. A ride it is.” He swirled Amanda gently in the water. “Whee,” he said softly. “See, Mandy? Fun, huh? Now we’ll go the other way. Whee. Don’t worry. Daddy’s got you.”

Daddy.
Katherine’s chest tightened. Damn. In another second she’d start crying. She turned and went back into the bathroom and held the cold cloth against her eyes. Her dearest wish was coming true, and Zeke was building a relationship with his daughter. Katherine vowed then and there not to let her physical attraction to Zeke jeopardize that bond.

“Hey, Katherine! What’s taking you so long? This kid’s starting to wrinkle!”

Caught halfway between laughter and tears, Katherine turned on the faucet to disguise the tremble in her voice. “Be right there! Couldn’t find the washcloth!” Taking a deep breath, she rinsed out the cloth again and left the bathroom.

* * *

Z
EKE
HELPED
K
ATHERINE
tuck a sweet-smelling Amanda into the copper kettle bassinet. He’d placed it next to the bed so that Katherine would have the baby handy during the night. While they stood together gazing down at her in her fluffy nest, she fought sleep and stared back at them.

Zeke thought how normal it would be to put his arm around Katherine at a time like this, but he didn’t do it. He could talk to her, though. That was still allowed. “I never thought about it before, but baby animals are all sort of the same.”

“How do you mean?”

“You have to think of how they see things. They’re so small, and you’re so big, that you have to be real careful that you don’t scare them, or they’ll never trust you.”

Katherine glanced over at him. “That’s true, at least for Amanda. I don’t know much about animal babies.”

“They’re a lot the same. I thought taking care of Amanda would be more complicated, but she seems to be getting used to me.”

“She’s definitely used to you. Look, she’s trying to stay awake, but her little eyes keep closing.”

He enjoyed the low melody of Katherine’s voice as she talked about the baby. He could stand here for a long time listening to Katherine and watching Amanda sleep. “She’s been having too much fun. She doesn’t want it to end.”

“You could be right. Sometimes she fusses before she drops off at night, but maybe she likes the quiet of the woods.”

“Maybe.” He had an inspiration. “Since she’s going off to sleep so easily, would you like to sit out on the porch for a little while? We can open one of the porch windows a bit so we’ll hear her.” He motioned to a couple of hooks by the door. “And I have an extra jacket you can wear if you think you’ll get cold.” During her moment of hesitation, he realized she might be wondering what he had planned for her on that porch. “We’ll just talk, Katherine. I promise. Or sit and enjoy the crickets. It’s peaceful out there.”

The slight frown cleared from her brow. “Okay. That would be nice.”

“Great.” He crossed to the sink and grabbed a used dish towel. “Take your pick of those jackets. I’ll wipe down the chairs.” He felt like whistling as he went out on the porch and whisked the moisture off the Adirondacks.

She came out wearing his black nylon jacket. “Which chair?”

“Either one. Maybe you’d like the one closer to the door, in case Amanda wakes up.”

“Good idea.” She sat down, wincing when she knocked her sprained wrist against the broad arm of the chair. Then she leaned back with a sigh. “Great chairs.”

“Thanks.” He sat down beside her, and the feeling of sharing was all he’d hoped it would be. The damp, pungent scent of a rain-drenched forest settled around them and a cricket chirped nearby. “I figured a porch needed chairs.”

“Definitely. And these are perfect. They make me think of the beach. When my parents were alive we spent a couple of weeks on Long Island Sound one summer. The beach cottages had chairs like this.”

“I’ve never been to a beach like that. Never seen the ocean, for that matter.”

“Never?” She turned her head to gaze at him. “Oh, Zeke, you would love it. The waves, and the ebb and flow of the tides, and walking barefoot along a deserted beach looking for seashells. It’s your type of thing.”

It might be, he thought, if he could share it with her. He pictured a dark-haired little girl squatting beside the surf, a pail and shovel in her hand. Amanda would love the ocean.

“Then again, maybe you wouldn’t like it.” Katherine faced forward again and her voice was more subdued. “I shouldn’t make those assumptions after knowing you such a short time.”

“You know me better than you think you do.”

“I do?”

“Maybe even better than I know myself.” He took a deep breath. Once he said this, there would be no turning back. “I’m willing to consider having Amanda come and visit me once in a while, Katherine.”

She turned her head quickly toward him. “Really?”

“The idea still scares the devil out of me. Maybe I’ve learned how to change a diaper and give her a bath, but that doesn’t mean I’ll know what to do when she’s two, or four, or fourteen. But I’m willing to try.”