Baby Proof (34 page)

I watch Maura now, imagining her coronation as benevolent dictator. The ruler who could have cruelly left Scott at home with a Swanson frozen dinner after usurping him from the throne. Instead, she brought him along to our family feast. She showed him a drop of grace and at least short-term clemency. Some might say this makes her a fool or a coward. I might have said the same thing last week. But as I watch her today, I think it has more to do with strength of spirit, of wanting to do what is best for her children and struggling to find that answer. Still, children or no children, I also know that she’s reached the end of the line. If Scott is lucky enough to survive this incident, I am certain that she will not tolerate another betrayal, even a small hint of one. This is his final, final chance at redemption. I can tell Scott knows it, too.

I just wonder if sheer force of will to forgive can be enough to set things right for my sister and her family. Because after all, power is one thing. Love is a different creature altogether.

When the turkey is done, we are told to migrate to the dining room, despite Tony’s request that we watch the end of the game and eat on TV trays. Daphne doesn’t dignify this with a response. Instead she ignores him and says, “Everyone grab a beverage and c’mon!”

Dwight leads the charge, a glass of wine in one hand and a can of diet Dr Pepper in the other. As he rounds the corner, he booms, “Whoa! Look out! Assigned seating!”

Sure enough, Daphne has set the table with little place cards made out of brown construction paper and pilgrim stickers. She has placed smaller ones at a card table for Zoe, Patrick, and William.

Maura eagerly circles the table, inspecting the names, as people do at a wedding reception. She quickly plucks Scott’s up and switches it with Dwight’s so that she is no longer seated next to her husband. Meanwhile, Scott frowns and the rest of us pretend not to notice as we take our seats.

Tony says the blessing, and afterward, Daphne insists on adhering to our family tradition, we all must name something we are grateful for. I personally think that that is a mighty dangerous activity considering the tenuous circumstances that comprise our lives on this particular Thursday. But I’m not about to rock the boat. Instead, my mind races with generic possibilities for my own offering.

Daphne gives a final instruction, “Remember. No repeats.” Then she says, “Dwight, you can start.”

Dwight smiles and says, “Okey dokey. I’m grateful for the food on this table that Daphne prepared for us. Everything looks great!”

“Dammit, Dwight,” I say. “You took mine.”

Dwight laughs and says, “I’m also grateful that I got to go first!”

Zoe clamors to go next. She says she is grateful that her head is better and that she had so much fun with Aunt Claudia last weekend. I smile at her. Zoe then says she will go for Patrick and William. She says that her brothers are grateful for all of their toys and books.

My mother picks up at the adult table where Dwight left off. She looks at the ceiling, as if pondering her bounty of blessings. She is always good for an unexpected, attention-grabbing song of thanksgiving. One year it was: ” I’m grateful that Ross Perot did so well in this year’s election . “Another year: ” I’m grateful that my husband Dwight now knows that gifts from Kohl’s and other retail stores of that ilk, though well intentioned, are not acceptable .”

This year she goes the self-aggrandizing route and says, “I’m thankful for the creative energy our Lord has bestowed upon me as I have embarked on my exciting new career in photography.”

I try not to crack up and am assisted in this effort by the fact that Scott is up. His eyes remain closed, as if still in prayer. Last year I remember he was grateful that the stock market was finally rebounding and the economy getting back on track. This year, he clears his throat and says, “I’m grateful to be here at this table.”

His simple statement is the most genuine and humble utterance I’ve ever heard from him, and I can’t help feeling moved. I am a long ways from forgiving him, but I realize that empathy might be the first step. And I do feel nearly sorry for him. Maura, on the other hand, looks completely unfazed when she quickly comes back with, “I’m thankful for my beautiful children, my supportive parents, and my loyal sisters.”

Ouch , I think.

“What about Daddy?” Zoe says. The child misses nothing .

“Oh, yes, Zoe, thank you,” Maura says. “I’m grateful that you have a daddy who loves you and your brothers.”

This seems to appease her, so we move on to my dad. After he gives his standard thanks for the health of everyone at the table, it is my turn.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but all I can think of is Ben. Of how my life feels so depleted without him. I think for another minute, surveying the faces around the table. Ben and I used to be our own little family, but now the people in this room are the only family I have. The only family I likely will ever have. So I say, “I am thankful for the love in this room. For knowing that despite any trouble we might find ourselves in, we will be here for one another in the end.”

Everyone is quiet for a moment. Even William and Patrick look somber.

“Okay,” I say. “Daph?”

We all look at my sister. She and Tony clasp hands and smile at each other, and I instantly know that they have big news. That we will all have something real to be happy about.

Sure enough, my sister smiles angelically and says, “Tony and I want to do one together this year.” Then she looks around the table and says, “We are grateful that God is finally blessing us with a child.”

My mother gasps. “Dear God! You’re pregnant! It’s a miracle!”

“No, Mother,” Daphne says quickly. “I’m not pregnant But you’re right, it is a miracle.”

Her voice breaks as if she is about to cry so Tony continues for her. “We’re adopting a baby. A baby boy. He’s due on December twenty-second.”

For one moment, we are all stunned and then our collective shock converts to the purest form of joy, the kind that translates to simultaneous laughter and tears. Daphne regains composure, telling us to eat before the food gets cold.

“As if we can eat! Tell us the details,” Maura says as she stands and hugs Daphne, then kisses Tony.

We all follow suit, standing in line to congratulate the proud parents-to-be. Even Scott seems to forget that he is in the doghouse as he high-fives Tony.

Then as we all sit back down and share our Thanksgiving meal, Daphne tells us about her fateful meeting with her son’s birth mother in an Easy Spirit store at the mall in Huntington. We all laugh at her introduction because it is just like Daphne to befriend strangers.

“Easy Spirit ?” Maura says and then mockingly spouts off the company motto, ” ‘Looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker!’ ”

Daphne smiles and says to Maura, “I know, you’re appalled by my fashion sensibilities, but those shoes are so comfortable And I’m not trying to impress fifth-graders with my footwear.”

My father throws his hands up in mock exasperation and says, “Enough of the shoes! Tell us what happened!”

“Okay,” Daphne says. “So I’m trying on these shoes and this really cute, young pregnant girl sits down next to me. I notice that she’s not wearing a wedding band, and I start wondering if her hand is just swollen from being pregnant and her rings won’t fit or if she’s not married and got pregnant accidentally. And I’m sort of thinking that it was an accident because, you know, she looks soo young. Then I have to admit, I have this pang of bitterness, like, how is that fair? How can some people have a baby so easily and get pregnant when they don’t try at all and don’t even really want a baby?”

“Daphne!” Maura and I say in tandem. Daphne is known in our family for being the slowest, most circuitous storyteller of all time.

Daphne laughs and streamlines her tale. She says that she and the girl, whose name is Amber, got to talking about how comfortable Easy Spirits are. Amber told Daphne that she waitresses at night and her feet hurt all the time. Daphne told Amber that she’s a teacher and she sure knows about achy feet. It turns out that Amber is in college getting her degree in education. Daphne asked her what college. Amber said Hofstra, which is where Daphne went to school. They then discussed professors they both know and courses Amber is taking and where she’d like to someday student-teach.

So then Daphne asked about her baby, and after a few minutes of polite chatter about the gender and due date, Amber came right out and told Daphne the rest of her story, that she got pregnant accidentally (the condom broke) and her boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend, wanted her to have an abortion. And so did her parents. But Amber said she just couldn’t do that. But she also knows in her heart that she isn’t ready to be a mother and that it wouldn’t be fair to the baby to try. She wants a better life for her son. So she decided to give the baby up for adoption. She researched agencies and finally registered with one in Westchester, the kind that facilitates open adoptions. She said she had met several couples, but just hadn’t found the right match yet. She said that everyone had been super nice, but the vibe was always off. Now the baby was coming soon so she was running out of time.

Daphne pauses for a second to sip from her water glass. Then she says, “At this point, I just burst into tears with this guy named Bo helping me into a pair of chocolate-brown loafers Then, I find myself confiding in Amber, telling her all about our struggles. And when I finish, we just sort of look at each other. Straight into each other’s eyes. And it’s like, in that instant, we both just knew that we were meant to meet So we end up buying the same pair of shoes, and going to the food court to talk more. That night she came over for dinner and met Tony, and they hit it off, too. Right, Tony?”

Tony nods. “Yeah. I really like her She has a good head on her shoulders.”

“And a great, big heart,” Daphne adds.

“What does she look like?” Maura asks.

Daphne says, “She’s cute. She has straight brown hair and dark eyes and a sweet smile. She’s tall at least five ten.”

“The tall part is pretty cool,” Tony says. Tony is on the short side and frequently laments his height with respect to athletics. Daphne says he had the ball-handling skills and three-point shot to play college basketball. If only he had been a little taller.

“Do you know anything about the father?” I ask.

“Yeah. We saw a picture of the birth father,” Daphne says, subtly correcting me, letting all of us know that Tony will be the only father, not the pimply teenager who impregnated Amber, then dumped her and encouraged her to abort. I will not make that mistake again. She continues, “He looks like your normal, average guy. He goes to Hofstra, too”

“And he’s six three ,” Tony says, laughing.

“So what exactly is an open adoption?” I ask.

Daphne tells us that Amber will be a part of their son’s life. She says, “We want him to know his birth mother.”

“So it’s a done deal?” my father asks.

Daphne nods and says that she and Tony have already sorted out most of the paperwork and paid their fees. Then she says, “It’s crazy and all happening so fast We have so much to do in the next few weeks!”

My mother looks worried as she asks what I am thinking but would never have said aloud, “How do you know Amber won’t change her mind and try to get the baby back?”

Daphne’s answer is patient but persuasive, as if she herself once had the same concerns but has now come to see the light. She says, “Actually, Mother, birth parents in open adoptions are less likely to change their minds. They are at greater peace with their decision because they can see for themselves that the baby is happy And one can argue that in some ways, open adoptions are better for the child, too, because he won’t have to spend a lifetime wondering about his birth mother.”

My mother looks unconvinced. “Will there be any boundaries ?”

Tony says, “This agency is really great, Vera. They help you set up an individualized plan and guidelines for visits, letters, and phone calls. We’re working on those details But it’s clear that we want the same thing as Amber. She wants to see him a few times a year, not be over here every day or anything like that. She wants to go on and have her own life.”

“Yes, but what will you tell your son?” my mother asks. “Won’t this whole thing confuse him?”

I am’ struck by the irony of such an unorthodox mother being so thrown off kilter by an untraditional arrangement. I can tell by Maura’s expression that she is thinking the same thing. But Daphne remains patient. She says, “Think about it, Mother. If an aunt or uncle or grandmother is a part of a child’s life, is he confused?”

“No” my mother says.

Tony cuts her off. “Well, those people are blood related, too But there’s no confusion, you know?”

My mother nods.

“Your parents are your parents. Kids know who their parents are And the whole point of an open adoption is that the birth mother supports that. She chose us . Amber wouldn’t want to ruin her own plan by interfering in our son’s life.”

Daphne finishes by saying, “A child’s birth family is a part of who he is Whether we knew Amber or not, that would be the case. And we want our son to know her. We think this will be best for everyone I know it might sound weird in theory, but once you meet Amber, you’ll see that this is right for everyone involved.”

I know what Daphne means about this statement. About how something can feel one way in theory and a very different way when you apply it to your own life and the people who comprise your life. I think of several examples of this phenomenon right here at the table Maybe in theory my sisters and I, and even my father, should hate my mother, but we don’t. We tolerate, even love her, in spite of herself Maybe in theory, a woman should leave a man who cheats on her. But in Maura’s case, this might not be the right answer Maybe in theory I didn’t want children. Maybe I still don’t. But as I watch my sister and Tony gaze at each other, I think of what it would feel like to be back with Ben and expecting a baby. Our baby. And for the very first time in my entire life, I actually almost want one.