Baby Blues and Wedding Shoes (31 page)

She hadn’t closed her eyes once.

Chapter
Twenty

“It turns out John can’t stand the empty
nest either.”

Dawn’s voice was low as she told Helen
about her conversation with her husband.

“He says he spent all those years doing
what he thought was the right thing; serving his country, putting
food on the table, providing for us, and now he feels he missed out
on what was really important.”

Dawn had her head in her hands. They
were both sitting at Helen’s little table with the sun streaming in
through the grubby window, making the dust motes dance. Dawn had
said she couldn’t face going to Pops.

“Now the children have left,” she
continued, letting go of her face and wrapping her hands around her
cup of tea, “he’s scared he made a terrible mistake.” She took a
sip, before resuming her story.

“He even admitted,” she swallowed,
feeling the fear anew. “He admitted he’d thought about starting
again, with some divorcee he knows who has young kids.”

Helen drew breath, but couldn’t find
any words to say.

“He said he wondered if he could right
his wrongs with her, with her kids. You know, a new beginning?”

Helen looked aghast.

Dawn saw her expression and was quick
to clarify. “I don’t think he ever did anything, as much because of
her scruples as his.”

She removed her wedding ring and
absently flicked it back and forth between her thumb and
forefinger.

“Oh, Dawn, I’m sure John loves
you.”

“I am, too.” Her voice was firm. “He
said he does and I believe him. I just don’t know if it’s enough.
If
I’m
enough.” She wiped at her eyes and gave Helen a weak
smile.

“What a mess eh?”

“If he loves you, surely you can work
out the rest?” With her newfound love for Marcio it seemed
important to Helen that everyone was as happy as she was.

“I hope so. We’ve come up with an idea,
at least, to help us find a way forward.”

“That’s good. What’s the plan?” Helen
couldn’t imagine John agreeing to marriage counselling.

“We’re going to let the house for six
months, visit our children. Spend some decent time with them and
our grandchildren. And with each other.”

“Bloody hell, that’s some plan.”

“Yes. Quite frightening as well. To
spend that much time with each other. It will be kill or cure.”

“So, when do you leave?”

“Sometime after the New Year. We’ll
have the family Christmas at home first, as the children are
already expecting to come. We’ll probably leave in February.”

“You’re kidding? Blimey. What about the
house?”

“We have let it to some friends. It has
worked out rather well. They are stuck in a chain and have decided
to sell their house and rent ours for a while.”

“Where will you go first?” Helen
couldn’t believe how courageous Dawn was, to turn her life
upside-down in order to save her marriage.

“I think we’ll track down Adam. It
might be nice to get some winter sun. He has just finished with
that band you knew, in Bangalore. I am not sure where he will be
going next but, knowing Adam, he will aim to be somewhere hot over
the winter months.”

“Wow.” It was all Helen could think of
to say.

“After that we’ll head to Geneva, to
stay with Florence. John has barely seen Florence’s girls, except
for a few days at Christmas. They have a big house, so they can put
up with us for a while.”

“I’m rather jealous. It sounds like a
gap year.”

“Well, we didn’t get to do it the first
time round. It wasn’t something people really did in our day. Maybe
our time has come.”

Helen reached over and gave Dawn a
hug.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“Hopefully we’ll still be in the
country when the twins arrive. I want to meet them before we go.
And to make sure Marcio takes good care of you!”

“You make sure John looks after
you.”

As Helen looked at the hesitant smile
on Dawn’s face she prayed that she would be planning just such a
trip with Marcio when their children were all grown up.

“How are things with you and Marcio?”
Dawn visibly pulled herself together and turned her focus on Helen.
“Everything still rosy?”

Helen blushed. Even though she and
Marcio had been together for a few weeks, she still felt like a
giddy teenager when she thought about him. She mused on the languid
morning in bed they had had that morning, before Marcio had left to
write a review on a hotel in Brighton.

“Oh yes.”

“How does he feel about the
babies?”

“The way he keeps buying knickknacks
for them, I think he’s quite excited.”

“He doesn’t mind that they’re not
his?”

Helen twisted her fingers together. She
was certain Marcio didn’t mind, but she still couldn’t quite get
her head around it. Surely men were touchy about such things?

“He doesn’t seem to mind. He keeps
saying they’re my babies, growing in my tummy, and that he will
love them because of that. And that being a dad is more than just
providing a few cells.”

“Well, that’s certainly true. Do you
think he’ll make a good father?”

Helen thought back to the family party
in Barcelona, reflecting on how natural Marcio had been with his
nephews and nieces.

“Yes, he’ll be great. He certainly
knows more than I do!”

“Will you do an antenatal class?” Dawn
rose to make fresh tea.

Helen sat back in her chair and gazed
out the window, thinking it really needed a clean.

“Yes, I start in a few weeks. I’m
rather nervous. It makes it all that more real somehow.”

“You’ll be fine. Have you heard from
Sharni?” Dawn called out over the noise of the kettle. “I haven’t
caught up with her in a while.”

Helen thought about the conversation
she had had with Sharni the day before. Would Sharni mind if she
told Dawn?

“She called yesterday.”

“Is she still lusting after Derek?”
Dawn came back to the table with two steaming mugs of tea.

“Oh, so you know about that?”

Dawn smiled. “I have daughters; little
escapes me. You develop a sense for it. I have to say, I wouldn’t
like one of my daughters dating a man of Derek’s age and, um,
reputation?”

“Me neither!” Helen laughed. “Still, I
don’t think Sharni’s parents will have much to worry about.”

As they drank their tea, Helen filled
Dawn in on the convoluted story Sharni had regaled her with the
night before. Apparently she had enrolled on the Fashion
Photography course and had spent the day gazing longingly at Derek
and asking all manner of questions. Despite following him around
like a puppy, he had given her no encouragement.

“Then, as they were wrapping up, the
model who’d been helping Derek on the course went over to him and
wrapped her arms around his neck. Turns out he’s been dating her
for weeks. Sharni says the girl threw her a look as if to say she
knew something had probably happened between her and Derek but she
couldn’t really care less because that was show-business and it was
her Derek was going home with.”

“Poor Sharni. Maybe Ben will help her
get over him. Ben’s a nice boy.”

“I don’t think Sharni wants a nice
boy.”

“Maybe not now, but sometimes love
grows over time. It isn’t always love at first sight.”

“I hope you’re right. They both could
do with some luck in the love stakes.”

“Couldn’t we all?”

PART THREE

A parent's love is whole no matter how
many times divided

Robert Brault

Chapter
One

Looking around the room Helen realised
she was the only person there on her own, although one woman was
with another woman – Helen wasn’t sure if it was her partner or a
friend.

Damn, I knew I should have taken
Marcio up on his offer to come
.

She hadn’t wanted to have everyone
assume he was the father. Now, though, it felt worse having
everyone assume there was no father around. She caught one or two
pitying glances and determined at the first opportunity to drop in
Marcio’s name. She didn’t know anyone here but still she didn’t
want them to judge her.

It turned out the antenatal class was
being held in the same day care centre she had done the story on
with Marcio. It looked different in the evening with the blinds
drawn and a circle of beanbags and low chairs. Having lowered
herself into a beanbag, Helen was beginning to realise she needed
to bring a partner with her just to help her get back up again. At
nearly 30 weeks pregnant she had all the grace of a beached whale.
The physique too, come to think of it.
She had to wonder
what magnetism kept Marcio by her side and attentive, because it
certainly wasn’t her svelte body and snake hips.

Looking up she realised the class
leader was introducing herself and explaining an ice-breaker
exercise for the group to get to know one another.
Oh god
,
Helen moaned to herself,
maybe it’s just as well Marcio isn’t
here, we’d be giggling like kids by now
. Looking round the room
she did see one or two couples rolling their eyes at each other and
realised that there might even be some people here she could be
friends with.

At the end of half an hour, Helen had
spoken to everyone in the room, and knew what flavour ice cream
they liked and their middle names. She wasn’t sure how that would
help, but the class leader obviously deemed the exercise a success,
as her face beamed with pride. She began pulling out some laminated
sheets, sorting through them for the ones she wanted. Helen saw
glimpses of images she wasn’t quite ready to see. Clearly the class
leader thought so too, as she slid them carefully to the bottom of
the pile muttering something about not scaring them straight
away.

Comforting words
, Helen thought
sarcastically.

They were given sheets with the title
“Birth Plan” and a range of bubbles of text underneath.

“Now, with your partners – Helen you
can work with me – go through the things on the sheet and identify
which you think should be on your birth plan. If you have completed
your plan already, then feel free to spend the time thinking of any
questions you might have.”

Birth plan? Helen vaguely remembered
the midwife talking about such a thing, but she had figured it was
making sure her mother was in London rather than Devon, and knew
the number of the maternity ward. Looking at the sheet now, with
strange words like episiotomy, pethadine, epidural, tens machine,
birthing pool, she thought maybe she should have paid more
attention to what the midwife was saying.

The class leader, whose name she now
found out was Rachel, came and sat next to her with a pad and
pen.

“Don’t worry if you haven’t written a
birth plan yet,” she said to Helen kindly, correctly interpreting
the look of horror on her face. “It’s more for your own comfort
than anything else. It means that you don’t have to have lengthy
conversations with the midwives or doctors once you’re in labour.
But you will probably find your plan changes once labour starts.
Many a person who was clear they only wanted gas and air starts
calling for an epidural once contractions are coming thick and
fast.”

Helen was wondering if she should admit
she didn’t know what half the things on the sheet were. Perhaps she
should have had an ante-antenatal class to fill her in? Was there
such a thing? The class leader seemed to realise something wasn’t
quite right when she looked around the room.

“Would you prefer if we went through
the pain relief options before we looked at the birth plan?” There
were eleven heads nodding vigorously.

Rachel returned to the front of the
class and shuffled through her sheets again.

“My apologies, I’ve got a bit ahead of
myself. We’re meant to do birth plans next week. I got confused
with the class I had before yours.” She handed round some more
laminated sheets.

“Okay, pain relief. Probably a good
place to start, as it is often the thing that worries women the
most. You will find that everyone’s reaction to pain, as well as
everyone’s
experience
of pain, is very different. Like many
things where babies are concerned it is best not to compare, and
also to try not to worry too much about the myriad of advice you
will be offered by friends, aunties, strangers.”

As she looked around the room, Helen
could see several of the women nodding vigorously in agreement.

Maybe it isn’t a bad thing to come
from a small family, at least no-one is dishing out unwanted
advice. Imagine someone else telling you what to do during your own
pregnancy and birth? I’d probably tell them to eff off
.

Aware of the nodding, Rachel smiled.
“If someone you know gave birth in two hours using only gas and
air, be glad for them and don’t take it to heart if you find your
labour lasts two days and you use the full suite of drugs
available.”

She was clearly trying to make them
feel better, but the idea of a two-day labour was so horrific many
of the women in the room were turning to their partners for
reassurance.

Helen tried to imagine having
contractions for 48 hours. She couldn’t really imagine having
contractions at all. She didn’t know anyone, apart from her mother
obviously, who had given birth. She knew her and her brother had
been fairly easy births, both at home. Helen wondered how much of
the details disappeared with time. And of course her mother hadn’t
had twins.

As if reading her mind, Rachel went on
to say, “As you are all expecting twins, you will probably find a
higher percentage of you deliver in hospital. In fact you may find
your midwives are reluctant to offer you a home birth. Are any of
you planning a home birth?”