Baby Aliens Got My Teacher! (5 page)

And then Zach did a little gasp and pointed to the foot that was beside him. And I saw that the office lady had a weird squashed pinky toe, that wasn’t even really a toe. It was just a stump with a tiny little nail on it that you would probably need a microscope to see properly. I wasn’t sure if this was
ALIEN EVIDENCE
or not but it looked a bit weird anyway. The office lady kept wriggling her
toes and Zach couldn’t stop staring at them.

It was starting to get really smelly under the desk and the office lady’s weird pinky-stump was almost touching Zach’s knee. And I needed to cough and I thought we were going to get caught, but then someone rang the bell at the reception.

The office lady stopped wriggling her toes and groaned. Then she kept typing for another two whole minutes before she finally started trying to find her shoes. So we shoved them over beside her feet so she didn’t have to look under the desk and then she groaned again and got up.

We waited to hear what was happening and then a little voice said, “Come quick! Someone’s locked in the girls’ toilets!” And we recognised the voice … it was Maisie! She’d saved us!

Then the office lady said, “I can’t get
ONE MINUTE
to myself!” and then we heard her high heels clip-clopping down the corridor. Then Maisie whispered, “
HURRY!
Before she gets back!” And then she said she’d meet us in The Den.

So me and Zach crawled out and so did Jodi. And then Zach saw a door and said,
“LOOK!”
and we didn’t know where the door went but we could hear some of the other office ladies coming back so we just opened it and went through because anywhere was better than being back under the desk with the smelly alien toe.

But when we shut the door behind us we all went really quiet because we knew exactly where we were. We were in the Deputy Head’s office!

We Should NOT Be in Here!

I couldn’t believe we were in scary Mrs Seith’s office. We knew where we were because last year Jodi had said that she and her mum were vegetarians now because her mum had read on the internet that all the famous people are vegetarians and it was the best
thing to do if you wanted to grow your hair long and shiny.

So when we went to school dinners, the dinner lady asked Jodi what she wanted and Jodi said, “I’ll have the vegetarian option, please.” And the dinner lady said that the only vegetarian option was the cabbage (yuck) and Jodi said she didn’t like cabbage and that she wanted a veggie burger and the dinner lady said they didn’t have any of those and just put a big dollop of cabbage on Jodi’s plate.

So then Jodi had a
JT
(Jodi Tantrum)and started screaming that it was
“ALL
AGAINST HER HUMAN RIGHTS”
and that she was going to get her mum up to the school. And then we made a poster about school dinners and human rights and tried to put it up in the dinner hall.

But then we both got sent to the Deputy Head’s office. So that’s how we knew where we were.

But Zach didn’t know where he was until I told him because Zach is usually good and doesn’t get into too much trouble like we sometimes do. And when he does, he usually just starts crying and then he doesn’t get into trouble any more.

So anyway, Zach started panicking because he’s the most scared of Mrs Seith and he said, “Let’s go before she gets back! Let’s go! Let’s go!” But Jodi said that we should have a quick look for evidence first since we were already in. Then she said that if the office ladies were right next door to Mrs Seith, then Mrs Seith might be an alien too!

I didn’t want to stay either because Mrs Seith is scary enough just as a normal human. But there was no point in arguing with Jodi because she had
THAT LOOK
on her face. Like the time she decided we were going to win the three-legged race at the Fun Day and she made us practise every break and lunch for two weeks. But then Lynsey Perry said
SHE
was going to win with Ashley Todd, so Jodi said we had to
“CRANK IT UP A NOTCH!”
which meant I had to stay at her house that weekend and she made us stay tied together all weekend (except for showers and toilets). But then on the Fun
Day we won by a mile and got a trophy and everything and Lynsey Perry was furious so it was worth it.

So anyway, we started searching for
ALIEN EVIDENCE
. We looked in all the drawers and cabinets and then Zach said to look inside all the books on the bookshelf because he said he saw a programme once where all these old rich people kept books on bookshelves. And that some of the books weren’t books at all and that they were safes and had secret compartments to keep secret stuff and jewels in. So we started looking inside all the books and then Jodi whispered,
“EVIDENCE,”
because she found a lunch-box in Mrs Seith’s bag with little fish inside it. And Zach said,
“ALIEN FOOD!”

But then we heard a toilet flushing! And we looked around and saw that there were three doors in Mrs Seith’s office. The one we came through when we escaped from the office ladies and two more. So I said, “She’s got her own toilet!” and pointed to where the noise was coming from and then we all ran out the third door and didn’t stop running until we got to The Den.

Speechless (in a Bad Way)

When we got to The Den, Maisie was already there. Zach gave her a big hug and said, “We thought they’d got you!” And I said, “Where have you been?” And then Jodi checked her ears.

Maisie told us that her mum had wanted
her to go to the doctor’s because she said she was practically
“ON HER DEATH BED”
. But the receptionist at the doctor’s said there were no appointments left for today, so Maisie’s mum had taken her straight to the big hospital and then the doctor there said there was nothing wrong with Maisie’s ears and that “Sometimes children just vomit for no apparent reason, like cats.”

So Maisie’s mum said, “My daughter is
NOT
a cat!” and then she asked to see another doctor. And then when another doctor came, he didn’t say anything about cats, he just looked in Maisie’s ears and
checked her temperature and then he said that she was fine so her mum dropped her off at school.

Then Maisie said, “I think we’ve got a
SERIOUS
problem,” and then she pulled something out her school bag and said, “When I signed in the office lady gave me this because I’d been ill.” And then she opened her hand and we saw it was a
KIT KAT
. And then Jodi said,
“HARD EVIDENCE,”
and we knew what this meant. It meant that the office ladies really
WERE
aliens because they usually just ignored us.

Then Maisie’s voice went really weird and
I couldn’t really hear what she was saying at first because her voice was shaking so much. Like the time at assembly when I had the biggest reading to do and everyone was staring at me, and some of the older kids were laughing and my hands were sweaty and I felt sick every time I started reading and my voice went shaky because I was going to cry.

And then I heard Maisie say, “There’s something else.” I heard Zach do a gulp and then Maisie said, “The office lady put her hand out of the glass window and tried to touch my head. I think she was trying to put
a baby alien in my ear! So I ran!”

Then Maisie said she had been too scared to come to class in case Miss Jones was back so she hid in The Den. And then she said she had heard us when we passed to go to the office and followed us. And Jodi said, “Was there really someone locked in the toilet?” and Zach said, “No. It was a diversion, wasn’t it?” And Maisie said yes and we all told Maisie she was really brave and thanked her for saving us.

Then Jodi told Maisie about being in the Deputy Head’s office and the alien food we found with the little fish and then Maisie’s
eyes started to do a weird cross-eyed thing so Zach said we should all sit down and relax and have a cup of cold tea and drink it too this time. Because that’s what his mum and gran always do if they’ve had a big fright. So we did.

After our tea, Jodi said we should go back to class
ASAP
so Miss Jones and the other aliens wouldn’t get suspicious. She also said, “They might know we’re on to them so act
NORMAL
.” So we all said we would and then Maisie went really pale like Jodi had looked when she had the chalk-face.

Then Jodi said we should all put our hands together in a circle before we went because we were a team. Zach said we should be called

But Jodi said that was too long. So I said we could be called

But Maisie said that sounded too scary and too violent. So we said we wouldn’t have a name. But it didn’t matter anyway because we didn’t need a name. We had another plan.

When we got back to class, Miss Jones didn’t even seem to notice how long we’d been gone. She was too busy singing and dancing with her weird, evil-looking teddy. So we just joined in and pretended like nothing had happened. I didn’t know why we were dancing in the middle of the classroom.

We usually didn’t do dancing unless it was country dancing with Mrs Small, who smells like corned beef. Also it was quite hard to act normal like Jodi had said we should because it wasn’t exactly
NORMAL
to be dancing in the classroom at half-past eleven when we usually did our spelling.

I was just about to say to Zach that we should all just sit down and watch when Miss Jones started screaming and clapping her hands. And then she said, “
GARY!
What a beautiful dance!” And then Gary Petrie did a twirl and a jumpy thing and looked right at me and smiled really wide and said, “You look
nice today, Izzy. Would you like to dance?” and I was
SPEECHLESS
.

Like the time the Head Teacher said he wanted us to turn the school into a
GREEN SCHOOL
(which only means a school that is good at recycling and saving the planet, but me and Jodi didn’t know that until after). So me and Jodi helped with the
recycling and then we got green paint from Dad’s shed and we painted the reception, the toilets, the steps, and two cars in the car park. And when the Head Teacher saw what we had done he was completely
SPEECHLESS
.

Mum said you can be speechless in a
GOOD
way or in a
BAD
way. Jodi said that she thought Mr Murphy was speechless in a
GOOD WAY
because we’d done such a great job, and we would definitely get the Green School Trophy from the Council now. But I think Mr Murphy was speechless in a
BAD WAY
because he cried a little bit.

So anyway, when Gary Petrie tried to hold my hand with his bogey fingers and get me to dance with him, I was definitely speechless in a
BAD WAY
. I looked at Jodi and she was just as shocked as I was, and her mouth was hanging wide open. Something wasn’t right. Gary was dancing and being polite and Gary didn’t even like dancing. Every time Mrs Small came he moaned and said that dancing was for girls and that he wasn’t doing it. And then he would give Mrs Small cheek and get sent to the Deputy Head.

That’s how we found out Miss Jones must have put an alien in Gary Petrie’s ear.