B0161IZ63U (A) (22 page)

Lila breathed in deep.  “I missed you, Mom.  One day wasn’t enough, so I thought I’d surprise you and stay for the weekend.”

Tears filled Alicia’s eyes as she pulled Lila through the threshold of the door and into her arms.

--

The weekend flew by.  Though the James’ hadn’t done anything noteworthy, just hung around the house together, talking, laughing and catching up, Lila already felt like her battery had recharged, at least a little bit.

Her mother was doing better. As Lila looked across the bench on the front porch and took in her profile, she knew that was what had really driven her to come back for the weekend.  She’d needed to know that her mother was okay.  Not hear her father
tell
her that her mother was okay over the phone.  No, she’d needed to see it, and now she had.

“This weekend went by too fast,” Lila said, curling her legs up on the bench and cuddling her head into Alicia’s shoulder.  She thought of Chase, of Julie, of the student who’d jumped to her death in Harvard Yard.  She thought of the Vice Provost, and her dismissive attitude when Lila tried to take action to make changes at the university.  She thought of Jack, and the insecure woman he was marrying.  She thought of all the things that had gone wrong in a few short weeks, and could hardly drum up a deep breath.  “I don’t want to go back to Cambridge.”

“Well, why not, baby?  I thought you were loving it up there?  You’re a big deal now.   A big time lecturer.”

“If you spent one day with the jerk off intellectuals at Harvard, you’d know the words
big time,
and
lecturer
do not belong in the same sentence.  Hell, the same zip code even.”

“Well, it does to me.  My baby is a
big time lecturer
up for a promotion to professor.  You should be bouncing off the walls, huh?”

“Yeah, well.  I’m not,” Lila said, taking in the bustling Brooklyn neighborhood.  Families pushed strollers and tugged dogs on leashes, cars somehow jammed themselves into the tiny sliver of asphalt that barely qualified as a road, and it was summer, so not a single porch on the block went lonely.  Kids of all ages hung out on every stoop, screaming across to each other with boundless energy, even as they baked under the sun.  Lila didn’t have the most wonderful memories here, but she couldn’t deny how special her neighborhood was.  She couldn’t deny the beauty.

“What’s going on in Cambridge that’s got you so wound up?”

“What
isn’t
going on in Cambridge?” Lila murmured, avoiding the impossible-to-answer question.  “That’s the real question, Mom.”  She and her mom linked hands, and Alicia cradled her head on top of Lila’s. As she squeezed her mother’s hand tight, Lila asked the question that had been on her mind all week.  “How did you know Chase?”

“Hm?” Alicia asked, lifting her head and looking down at her.

Lila sat tall and met her mother’s eyes.  “Chase. When we came to the door yesterday morning, you recognized him.  But I’ve never introduced the two of you.” She looked down at the locket around her mother’s neck.

“Baby, Chase visits me.  All the time.”

Lila frowned.  “He what?”

“I think I see that sweet face of his around here more than I’ve seen yours in your entire life.”  She laughed.

“Chase has visited you before this weekend?  Without me?”

Alicia faltered. “Now I feel bad.  Clearly he didn’t want you to know. I feel like I’ve put him on the spot.”

“No… No, I’m not mad, I’m just… surprised.”  Lila suddenly realized that she had no reason to be surprised.  Chase was nothing if not loyal.  For the millionth time that weekend, her heart shattered to pieces knowing she’d hurt him so badly.

“Whenever he’s here in New York visiting that brother of his… Jim?  Jake?”

“Jack.” Lila covered her forehead.

“Yes, Jack.  Good looking boy.  Never been my favorite, though.”

“You’ve never even met him.”

“Oh yes, I have! He’s been here once or twice, looking for Chase, back when he was still in high school.”

“I’m sorry… Chase has been visiting you since he was in high school? Why has no one mentioned a word of this to me?”

“Well, when you graduated college and moved to Manhattan, you may as well have moved across the damn country.  That’s how hard it was to get ahold of you, baby.”

Lila looked into the street in awe.  Jack had never said anything to her about Chase visiting her parents.  She looked back to Alicia, stunned.  Why would he keep something like that from her?

Alicia was now off in her head, as well, reminiscing. “I don’t think I ever caught that Jared with a smile on his face.  Not even once.  Why is he so angry?”

Lila could only laugh.  She didn’t bother to correct her mother on Jack’s name. Her mind was too busy being blown.

“Of course Chase never told you,” Alicia chuckled.  “Sweet boy. He’s so humble.”

At that point, Lila was sure her mother could write a six hundred paged book praising Chase Almeida, all in one sitting. “Ma…”

“Anyway.  Yes, he has been visiting me since he was in high school.  And he still stops by whenever he’s in town.  He usually has a gift for me, too.  This…” Her mother raised the locket.  “This is, by far, the most beautiful, though.”

“It is.”  Lila agreed.

“And he sure does love you.”

“He does.” He
did
, her mind corrected.

“He’s grown so much.”

Lila finally blushed.  “Okay…” she said, desperate to shut this down before it spiraled.

“I’m only saying….”

“I know you are.  You’re always
only saying
, Mom.”  She sighed.  “But he’s my student.  He’s ten years younger than me.  He doesn’t know anything about life.  About real love.  How could he?”  Lila’s eyes met Alicia’s, and the knowing gleam in her mother’s eye was enough to make her look away, once more.

“I think the last 24 hours is pretty solid proof that Chase knows more about life and love than any of us.  Age isn’t a maturity barometer.”

“I hope not. Otherwise I’d be about…” Lila thought on it.  “Kindergarten status?”

Alicia laughed heartily.  “I think I’d be preschool status.”

They laughed together.  Lila had to press her hands to her mother’s thigh to keep from falling off the bench. 

“Just a mess,” Alicia said.

“Chase really is more of an adult, more together in every way, than I have ever, or will ever be,” Lila said.  “He worked through all his madness when he was thirteen.  I feel like I’m still drowning in mine.”

“He’s very grounded, and he doesn’t even take credit for it.  He gives it all to you.”

Lila covered her face. “Stop looking at me like that.”

“I’ll just say this, Lila.  If there’s one thing I learned from your sister’s passing…”

Just like that, Lila’s eyes were back on hers.

“It’s that we only have one life, baby.”  Her mother took the locket, once more, and shook it in the air.  “Just this one… beautiful life.”

Lila stared at her mother, speechless.

--

The next week crawled by, probably because, with each passing day, Chase’s desk went empty.

Lila wondered if he’d dropped her class.

Finally, Thursday rolled around, and there he was.

Now, however, like the other students, Chase stayed distracted during her lecture.  He doodled, avoided her eyes, ignored her questions, and seemed to be doing everything in his power to blank her out of existence.

Her lecture flew by, and she could only hope she hadn’t spent the majority of it staring at his face.

Once class was dismissed, Chase began gathering his things in a hurry.  Gone were the days that he lagged behind in the hope of catching a minute alone with her.  No, today his bags were packed, and he was on his feet within seconds.

“Mr. Almeida!” Lila lowered her voice when her shrieking stole the attention from most of the students who were currently filing out of the long rows of tables.  “Mr. Almeida?”

Chase froze in the middle of his row, gripping his bag closer to his chest.

Lila saw his jaw tighten, and her own did the same as she straightened her skirt suit.  “See me up front, please?”

For a long while, he didn’t move, not even as he held up the students waiting to exit the row behind him.  He stood stoically for so long, in fact, that most of them turned and moved the opposite way, taking the longer path to freedom.  They made noises of annoyance and threw looks of venom Chase’s way, none of which he noticed.  The only student that made the uncomfortable choice to squeeze past him and take the shorter route was Ronnie. He clapped a hand on Chase’s shoulder as he moved, shaking his head once he made it to the stairs, which he bounded up two at a time to get to the top.

Finally, pulling his bag even tighter, Chase began to move out of the row and onto the staircase.  He stared down at his feet as he descended the steps, licking his teeth under his tightly sealed lips.

As he grew closer to her, Lila went through a variety of different cycles.  She crossed her arms, and then uncrossed them.  Leaned on the desk, and then stood tall.   She pushed her hair behind her shoulders and then fanned it back out in front of her eyes.

By the grace of god, she finally managed to stand still, having to clutch her hands into tight fists to achieve it.

Chase didn’t look at her as he approached, instead watching the floor in front of him.  Not even when he came to a stop a few feet away from her did he bother to meet her eyes.

This time, when she fell back onto the desk behind her, she stayed there.  Her nails clawed at the wood underneath, and her eyes shot to the top of the classroom just as the last of her students filed out.  It was a holiday weekend, so none of the students had stuck around to talk to her after class.  There was, apparently, far too much partying to do.

When Lila looked back to Chase, she was stunned to find his eyes on hers.

She wrung her hands.

“It’s good to see you,” she whispered.

He didn’t respond.

Holding his gaze, she pushed off the desk and moved to him.  She moved so close, their chests were nearly touching. His soft breath tickled the valley between her eyebrows.

She looked up at him, saw the anger in his eyes as he looked back, and moved away.  Her pointy-toed heels clicked as she crossed the auditorium and continued to click with each stair she climbed on her way to the top.  Once she reached the door in the far right corner, she produced a set of keys from her blazer pocket and locked it.  She crossed the desks to the other side and did the same thing with the door on the left.

This time, it was her who avoided his eyes as she took the stairs back down, only meeting his gaze when she’d reached the bottom.

He followed her every move, shifting his body to keep an eye on her, moving with her as she switched passed him and leaned against her desk, once more.  She dropped the keys on the wood, before looking back to him.

“Door’s locked.”

He still didn’t speak, but something in his eyes had changed.

“No one gets in.  No one gets out.  This is you.”  She motioned to him.  “And me.  The end.  We’re not at Harvard.  I’m not your professor.  You’re not my student.”

He squinted.  Licked his teeth, again.  Then he smiled an amused smile, looking away from her.  The moment his eyes left hers, his smile grew into a breathy laugh.

Lila winced against the sound.

He looked back at her, smile vanishing.

She breathed heavily.  “I’m sorry.”

He jammed his eyes closed.

“Chase, I’m so sorry.  I can’t stand this.  How long are you going to punish me?”

His eyes reopened.

“I hate fighting with you,” she said.

His eyebrows tugged tight.

Lila shifted.  “I drove back to New York last weekend, checked on my mother. We had a long talk about life.  About love.”

His eyes moved to her lips, stayed for a while, and then rose back to hers.

“She told me that you’ve been coming to see her every time you visit the city.  Says you’ve been visiting her since high school.  She told me that she sees your face in that house more than she sees
mine
.”  When he continued watching her in silence, she swallowed.  “She told me that we only have this one… This one beautiful life.”  She breathed deep.  “And I realized something.   I realized that, without you in my life, that beauty?” She laughed.  “It just doesn’t exist.  It doesn’t feel right.  It doesn’t feel real
. 
This new darkness creeps in that was never there before. And now I know it was never there before, because you’ve always been there.” She covered her mouth with her hand.  “You’ve always been right there, flushing it out, shining your light.  And being without that these past few days has been… torture.  Chase, I’m
sorry.”

He shoved his hands in his pockets while looking away.

Lila looked down at her battling hands, sure that she was mere moments from pulling her skin right off the bone.  She tried to bite her tongue, but the words that had been building up in her head since the last time she’d seen him were too desperate for release.

“I shouldn’t have lied to you, but I truly felt like I was protecting you.”

“You don’t have to protect me.”

The sound of his voice startled her.  So much so that she stood to her feet, wringing her hands once more.

His eyes met hers, and his face tightened.  “I’m not thirteen years old anymore, Lila.”

“I know you’re not.  That’s very clear.” Her eyes traveled him.  “And probably the second reason I lied to you.”

His eyes finally softened.

“I guess I was afraid… of what the truth would mean.  How it would make you see me.”

“Yeah, well, you know what? I got news for you, Lila.  Jack would leave Kelly in about two seconds if he knew it meant having you back.  He would call off the entire god damn wedding
today
if he knew it meant having you back.  So, if this is about jealousy, then please stop wasting everyone’s time, and go fucking get him.”

Lila took deep, even breaths, trying to think past her hammering heart.  Chase being this cold with her was not only something she wasn’t used to but also something that sent her reeling in a way she’d never experienced.