B00BUGFFGW EBOK (2 page)

anonymous guy: we had sex at a friend's party. i was drunk and i didn't want to and i think i started crying and made him stop

dave: i'm surprised i remember dave's name. he followed me home from this party one night and we had sex in my creaky loft bed. i didn't want to have sex. i had my period. i was drunk. he was persistent and 'dirty talked' and it was annoying. i was mean to him. after he finished he said 'uh, one of us is bleeding,' and i said 'oh my god, is it your first time?' and he followed me into the shower. i said 'you can wash up but then you have to go.' he wanted to stay. his dorm was a 45-minute train ride away. the next day he called and asked if i had AIDS. i said 'no.' we didn't use a condom

justin: we dated for a year. it was a shitty relationship. i think i just really wanted to be with someone, which is a shitty reason to be with someone, but i didn't realize it at the time. sex was okay, he gave me orgasms. we assumed a routine pretty fast. i 'wore the pants' in this relationship, which he didn't seem to mind on the surface, but i think it actually bothered him a lot. we had melodramatic fights. one night after i broke up with him, he sexually assaulted me and i dropped out of school. no condoms ever, i don't think

neil: we dated in high school and i broke up with him. then we weren't friends. then we were friends. then we were really good friends. then i thought i was in love with him and we had sex one night. he gave me an orgasm. then i told him i was in love with him and he rejected me. we somehow pushed through it and are good friends. i feel very comfortable having sex with him, rarely feel self-conscious. one time he tried to fist me and it felt intimate and good, which surprised me. he's physically curious in a way i feel i also am. everything feels heightened with him. there is an open line of communication during sex, which feels natural and genuine. i have orgasms. we use condoms, mostly

steve: my other serious relationship. over winter break 2006 i hung out with neil a lot and neil hung out with steve a lot, so i also hung out with steve. i was still dating justin at this time. then i broke up with justin. then the thing with neil happened. about a week later steve and i drank mead and hooked up at neil's apartment. we spent a lot of time together before i went back to school and decided to try a long distance relationship. then i dropped out of school and it wasn't long distance anymore. sex was consistently good, sometimes great, i always had orgasms. he was a good kisser. he had a scar on his lower lip that i liked to feel. i felt an understanding with him i have yet to feel with another person. we liked to listen to the velvet underground's 'self-titled' and broken social scene's 'feel good lost' when we did it. i was the big spoon, almost always. near the end i became selfish and treated him poorly. after i broke up with him i regretted it and drank too much and called him a few times and made things worse. i regret a lot with him. we met at the wrong time. sometimes we used condoms. he is a good person. we don't talk

ricky: we met at work and dated for a month, after i broke up with steve. after ricky, steve and i dated again for a month, and were confusing for another two months. ricky was a very good guy but not for me. sex was pretty good, kind of too violent sometimes, but i still had frequent orgasms. he 'dirty talked,' which always kind of removes me from sex. it makes it a parody or something. we used condoms

vincent: vincent influenced my decision to break up with steve, but i didn't want to admit that for a long time. i knew him through neil. we flirted one halloween and at his christmas party we had sex. sometimes we had 'dates' which neither of us openly referred to as 'dates.' 97% of our nights together ended in sex. one time at a dance party i got extremely drunk and asked him why he didn't love me and talked about how existence is meaningless while sobbing for about two hours. we still hung out and had sex after that. our 'thing' lasted from january to march, then carried into july a little. i still like him a lot, despite. now he lives far away and has a girlfriend. we always used condoms. he was a great kisser. sex was adventurous, imaginative, intense, and had lots of eye contact. he never went down on me, though. one time we fell asleep on his basement floor, holding each other

jamie: jamie is a girl. she was a very good kisser. sex felt different in a good way, but i always feel confused when i'm with girls, like i'm one step outside of myself, watching myself. we have the same bedspread. she's funny and i like her a lot. i wish i felt like i could have a relationship with a girl

anthony: i visited my former college to go to homecoming with my old friends and met anthony while dancing. he was a freshman and it was his first time. he was a really good kisser. i bought him and his friends a handle of gin (they paid me back) and we played card games in my old dorm. it was nice. i wanted him to be sure he wanted his first time to be with a stranger. he said he did. i left right after it happened. we used a condom

harris: jake's and mike's older brother. one day after a bonfire he asked if i wanted to smoke a bowl with him at his house. we ended up having sex for ten hours, nonstop. it's the longest i've ever had sex with anyone. we hooked up and hung out from february to may. we had a lot of fun together. he would make me breakfast and dinner and liked me to sing to him. it felt like a relationship but it wasn't. i wanted it to be, so i ended it. for a few months during harris' and my thing, i would see vincent probably once a week. i thought if i combined these two non-relationships that felt like relationships, it might feel like one whole one. not really, though. we never used condoms and i wasn't on birth control. we had the same sense of humor. he had a foot fetish. he went down on me a lot. i had lots of orgasms. i liked being with someone who had a foot fetish

frank: we worked at the same place for a few months and then he quit. we'd flirt at work but other kinds of talking seemed hard for some reason. one night i invited him to my apartment. he said 'oh baby' and used my name. i didn't like it. i think i had to stop myself from laughing a few times. after sex we bought falafel. it was maybe 2AM. he said 'grace' before eating his falafel. i asked him what that was about. he said one time he did acid and saw god or something, and now he blesses his food. he mumbled and didn't make eye contact. i politely tried to get him to leave for about two hours. didn't respond to his text messages or calls after that. we used a condom

kevin: we were roommates and i think sex made our relationship more complicated than it should've been. i was the aggressor. i wanted to date him. we had sex maybe twice, but a lot of nights we would make out or i would blow him and he would tell me to go to sleep. we provoked each other into a few huge arguments and gradually stopped talking. he never went down on me. he was a good kisser and we used condoms. i felt intensely attracted to him. i never had an orgasm. i feel positively about him now

josh: we met at work. he was shy and we had the same sense of humor. the only time he mentioned his girlfriend to me was to tell me they had broken up, though i inferred their situation was probably more complicated than that. we hung out and hooked up a few times this summer. i wasn't sure if he thought it was 'just sex' and honestly i'm tired and bored of wondering this so often with guys, so i wasn't motivated to find out. he was maybe the best kisser i've kissed. we used condoms, mostly. i would've liked to date him, under different circumstances

james: i had known james through mutual friends for about five years. this summer there were people over and he was one of them. i've always felt attracted to him. he has a way of looking at you, but not at you, just past you or something. average kisser. probably the most adventurous person in bed. he lasted a long time. i had an orgasm. he wanted to do it again in the morning but i had to work. we didn't use condoms. i said 'i hope you don't have 'secret AIDS.' he said 'i hope you don't have 'secret pregnancy.' we laughed and parted ways. i feel good about this

kyle: kyle was the most attractive guy at a halloween party this year so we had sex in the basement. the basement belonged to a girl whose little sister didn't like it that people have sex at parties sometimes and screamed 'get out of my house!' at us from the top of the stairs. this feels ridiculous to me, i think it's funny now. we didn't use a condom. he was an okay kisser i think. it was just alright. we were both drunk. i was dressed as a piece of pizza. i don't think he had a costume

—age at first time: 18 years, 4 months, 2 weeks, 0 days

—age at present: 23 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, 2 days

—total penetrative sex partners: 21

—total males: 21

—total females: 2 (2 not mentioned, i'm not sure they count as sex, it was just making out and fingering)

—total oral sex partners: 20-30

—oral sex giving to receiving ratio: 3:1 (probably)

—total official relationships: 4

—total ambiguous relationships: 9

—total one night stands: 11

—total partners i've said 'i love you' to: 3, and maybe 2 .5's

—total partners who have said 'i love you' to me: 3.5

—alcohol involved in first sexual encounter: 13

—marijuana involved in first sexual encounter: 2

—total STDs: 0

—total pregnancies: 0

—butt sex: 0

—came on my face: 0

—came on my tits/stomach/back/ass: 2+

—asked beforehand: 2

—places i've had sex: all rooms a house can have (not counting the garage), car, on a blanket under a tree, the woods, public bathroom, laundry room, trampoline, started to on the roof of a construction site at night (he was not a construction worker)

—what i felt after completing the list: satisfied for having completed a task, surprised at how many details i remember, surprised at how passive i've been, angry at myself a little bit, self-pity a little bit, sad about failed relationships, happy remembering some moments, irrationally hopeful, glad i'm not in the past, puzzled at why i've diverted to other people about my personal safety, relieved i don't have AIDS or children

1.26.09

last night i slept next to 'a good school' by richard yates. i only wore underpants. i fell asleep with a kleenex up my right nostril. when i woke i thought 'i am fucked' and 'this is probably how a lot of lonely computer programmers fall asleep, except maybe replace richard yates with gamer magazines.' my cat started humping my arm. or i don't know if it's humping or what, he just mounts my arm and moves his ass and licks my hand. i feel confused by it

my friend told me cats have barbed penises and it's actually really painful when they have sex. it hurts both the mancat and the womancat. he bites her neck so she doesn't run away. the barbs on his penis stimulate some part of her uterus or something

i'm not sure what combination of atoms and energy or whatever made me, but i'm glad i got made into a human instead of a cat

my macbook is so dirty. it looks like its owner should be the last person on earth, who has been living in a sewer drain for seven years, who is good at physics and is building a time machine

the other night two coworkers and i went to the peppermill, which is a bar inside an office building. no one who works in the bar knows who works in the offices. old people go to the peppermill to drink and talk about the civil war. it's cheap and quiet and close to work, so we go there a lot. it smells like a cruise ship. they have a plentiful supply of mints. i always take a handful when i leave. everyone is nice there

i drank four dogfish and a double shot of jack daniels. my female coworker and i got salads. my male coworker didn't eat. we talked about relationships. i mostly listened and waited for opportunities to say something. one time there was an opportunity to say something, but i didn't have anything to say, so i said 'oh. i don't know.' later we were talking about hickeys and i told a story about how two friends and i were sitting around one day and none of us had ever experienced a hickey so we gave each other hickeys on arbitrary, non-sexual places on our bodies. then we went to the beach. i thought this story would be funny because the experience of it was funny, but i think my coworkers thought it was deviant and strange. after i told the story they asked questions and i answered them and we were quiet. i felt embarrassed and like i needed to drink more

eventually i think i made enough funny/relevant comments that i 'broke even,' or maybe exceeded and moved into 'well-liked'

one coworker went home. my other coworker and i went to this bar full of people who looked like they listened to dave matthews band. we sat on bar stools. i drank two bud lights and we each had a shot of jack daniels out of a dixie cup. it was extremely crowded and dark

we could have spent ten minutes or two hours there. i started feeling too drunk and not aware of myself anymore. we left. she asked if i would be okay to drive. i said 'yes.' it was probably 2AM

i listened to lou reed on the way home. i ran red lights and thought 'reckless and stupid, but okay.' i focused my eyes directly in front of me so i could use my peripheral vision to concentrate on the yellow and white lines on the road. i felt like i was playing a video game

i remember directionlessly standing in my room and i guess i called neil at 2:39AM, but he didn't pick up. then i called a girl i went to high school with and went to her apartment. we smoked pot and ate pot brownies with her roommate and a boy who looked like yogi bear's son. i remember feeling like everyone was staring at me. i would say something and there would be a long pause. i felt like i was speaking russian. i think they laughed at a few things i said

at some point i stopped remembering details of conversations. i feel like getting drunk/stoned with people is just a way to 'pay dues' to a voice inside of me which says 'you should be social,' i don't expect it to result in feeling genuinely connected to anyone. i don't think anything is morally 'bad' about doing it sometimes, it's just something that happens

i used to smoke pot with my ex-boyfriend and we would think of ways to make each other laugh. now when i smoke around people i feel extremely alienated and paranoid. this usually happens when people start talking about politics. whether i am stoned or sober, when political discussions start happening, i usually try to do something with my hands and think of a way to direct the conversation to something that could make everyone laugh