Azure (Drowning In You) (25 page)

***

Olivia took a long shower, scrubbing the sand off her body. She couldn’t stop thinking about Kai, his smile, his dark eyes, the pain that often haunted them.

He’d been on that boat. He’s survived and was blamed by everyone for that — or rather, because they thought he was a weird fish creature, something not human.

He hadn’t needed their prompting to believe it. He thought he was to blame. And he offered himself to the sea like a sacrifice every day.

Don’t let the sea take you. My sunshine boy
.

The shampoo stung her eyes. She stepped out of the shower stall and wrapped a towel around her. The mirror was fogged over. She wiped a swath with her hand and stared at her red-rimmed eyes.

Oh god, Kai, I’m so sorry this happened to you.

What was she going to do now? How was she going to act? Kai hadn’t been the one to tell her. He didn’t know she knew, and that made her want to hide. Wouldn’t he take one look at her face and realize she knew?

She’d never had a good poker face, and he somehow saw through her every single time, seemed to read her thoughts.

She couldn’t think.
Coffee
. She needed caffeine for her sluggish brain to engage. She got dressed quickly, pulled up her hair and knocked on Kirsten’s and Markus’s door.

Kirsten took one look at her and drew her inside. “What happened?” she hissed.

Yeah, no poker face
. “Nothing. I just...” Her eyes stung again.

“Did he hurt you?” Markus was suddenly there, looming behind Kirsten, looking furious. “This Kai.”

“No! He didn’t. Not at all.”
Pull yourself together, Liv.
“I just came to see if you guys want to grab some breakfast and I...”

Kirsten tugged on Olivia’s hand, her eyes concerned, and it was too much. Olivia opened her mouth to say she needed coffee and it all poured out — the discovery she’d made, Kai’s past, Panos’s words.

“Poor boy,” Kirsten whispered, pulling her to sit by her side on the bed, slinging an arm over Olivia’s shoulders, as if she was the one in need of comfort and not Kai. “What a terrible thing to happen to someone.”

“Myra Crow’s son.” Markus shook his head, looking dazed. “I can’t believe it. I mean, I knew she died in this area, but to think all this time we were talking and having drinks with her son...”

“So his name is Kyler. He lost his family here.” Kirsten squeezed Olivia’s hand. “And he’s here because he can’t forgive himself for what happened.”

Kirsten had always been good at summarizing things. Olivia pulled her hand away. That was why Kai had come back — to pay.

And what could she do? In a few days she was leaving, returning to college and her friends. He was staying here. He’d made it clear.
‘I live here.’
He’d said it over and over again. Should she stand by and watch him try to die every day? It made her chest so tight she could barely breathe.

She would fail him, like she’d fail
Andria
. He wasn’t paying attention to Panos or anyone else, obviously, asking him to stop. He was on a suicidal mission and she was just a passing ray in his darkness. She didn’t know if she could stand by and watch him drown.

Why was she doing this to herself when she was still trying to rise from the deep herself? He wouldn’t listen to his family, so why would he listen to her? He barely knew her, and she was leaving. Why had she come to care for the one person she couldn’t help?

“Oh Liv.” Kirsten put her hands on Olivia’s cheeks and it was only then she realized tears were leaking from her eyes. “This isn’t your battle. You can’t let this bring you down. He’ll be all right.”

Would he?

“He’s making you sad,” Markus said. “You need a break.”

She’d never told them, but they could read her as well as Kai could. Maybe she was an open book, only thinking she’d been hiding all along while everyone knew.

“You’re a sunshine girl,” Kirsten said. “Let’s go get some sunshine.”

My sunshine boy
. Kai had been like that once, hadn’t he?

“We’ll do something together, what do you say?” Kirsten pulled her to her feet. “Forget about this for a while. Let’s go for a walk. Markus found a lovely place on the map not far from here. We have fruit and water and we can have our breakfast in the hills.”

“It’s stormy.”

“No, it’s just windy. We won’t let you float away.”

She let them haul her along, barely seeing where she was going. She didn’t realize when they left the hotel or when they took a trail down a ravine. Didn’t hear Kirsten’s quotes from Shakespeare and Markus’s replies.

She was failing. Again. Not able to pull Kai back from the edge of the cliff. Not able to stop him from sinking.

Her friends set up their blanket under a tree, securing it with rocks, spreading small dishes. Markus set to peeling and cutting oranges and apples. The wind was falling. The birds sang. The cicadas were trying out their mating call.

“Eat,” Kirsten said, pushing a dish toward her.

She tried. Her throat had closed up and she couldn’t push anything down. “When did Myra Crow die?”
And with her, Kai’s father and friends?

“Sweetie...” Kirsten didn’t look pleased with this conversation.

“Six years ago,” Markus said.

Kai was twenty. He’d been fourteen. He’d gone back to the States, to... whom? An uncle? An aunt? Had finished school, gone to college, was expelled and returned here. Had to be in the past year. Why? What had prompted him to come back? Had something else happened?

“Stop thinking about it,” Markus said. “He’ll be fine. People often move on after horrible experiences.”

But Kai hadn’t. Or if he’d tried, something had pushed him back down. She had to find out what it was.

“Oh no, you’re not going anywhere,” Kirsten said, grabbing her arm. How had she known she was going to leave? “Stay, Liv. Give yourself a break. You’re getting obsessive.”

“That’s how I am,” she whispered.

“Lie down, look at the sky.” Kirsten did just that, lying on the blanket and blinking at the sky.

Olivia sighed and lay back. Clouds sailed overhead, shifting into strange shapes, scowling faces and fishtails. She was exhausted. She felt as if she’d battled a giant and had barely survived.

Which was ridiculous, she thought, her eyes closing. She seemed to just drift through life, unable to affect its course and outcomes.

She had to do something...

To do a great right, do a little wrong.

Shakespeare

Go on, yell and wail; silence is to no avail.

Myra
Crow

“Liv. Wake up.”

She blinked, the brightness of the sky hurting her eyes. She threw an arm over them, still caught in snatches of dreams — blue water, sparkling fish swimming around her, mermaids and mermen tumbling in circles. And Kai. He’d been there, floating motionless in the blue, a hand stretched out to her.

She hadn’t taken it. She’d frozen, undecided, her hands held over her heart as if to protect it, leaving him to drift away.

And now she lay on a blanket in a white ravine, Kirsten’s face leaning over her, covering the sky.
 

“What?” Liv’s tongue felt a size too big for her mouth.

“You fell asleep.” Kirsten smirked and wagged her brows. “I must inform you I took photos I can use for blackmail if I ever need anything from you.”

“Oh jeez. Was I drooling?” Olivia sat up, rubbing her face. She felt as if a ton of rocks had fallen on her. “I feel like crap.”

“Here.” Kirsten passed her a bottle of water. “It will help.”

Olivia nodded and took a long draught. “Did I sleep long?”

“It’s midday.”

Shit
. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“You looked like you needed it.” Kirsten shrugged. “The day is still young.”

Olivia glanced around. “Where’s Markus?”

“He’s exploring the ravine.”

“I need to go back.”

“Why? We could walk a bit farther, see the villages. There’s a medieval chapel up the hill and we could—”

“I want to see Kai.”

Kirsten sighed. “Maybe Markus was right.”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe you should stay away from each other. Just hear me out,” she said when Olivia started to get up. “Love is not hopeless. I said that. But whatever it is you’re feeling right now may be no more than a sense of obligation.”

“Obligation?” Olivia huffed.
Whatever.

“To save him, Liv. I know how you think. You want everyone around you to be happy. You want to help. But the world isn’t always happy and you can’t always help. Some things people need to figure out on their own. Don’t let them drag you down with their failure to survive.”

What the hell?
Olivia felt light-headed. “You talked to my mother,” she said, her voice small. “Didn’t you?” No way could Kirsten guess that much.

“I did,” Kirsten admitted. “She called one day, in
Germany
, when you were out, and we had a long talk. She was worried about you.”

Dammit
. “That’s not what I’m doing with Kai. I just like him. I want to spend time with him.”

“He makes you happy and sad, I know. You told me. But now he’d mostly making you sad, and we’re leaving soon.”

“He’s not making me sad.” She thought of how content she felt with him, like she was herself and not what others expected her to be. He accepted her sadness, and tried to make her smile. He didn’t tell her it was wrong to feel the way she did, only that he didn’t think what happened had been her fault. He made her feel good. “I’m making myself sad on his behalf.”

Kirsten shook her head. “How is that different?”

“It’s different.” It was hard to explain. “He makes me happy. What makes me sad is the thought of leaving him.”
Alone. On the precipice.

“What has started with him makes you sad,” Kirsten said. “This sadness is what I don’t want for you. You were happier when we came here.” She threw her hands in the air. “You’re falling in love with him, and I was wrong. There seems to be no hope. Better pull back before you hurt yourself more, Liv.”

What hurt was those words coming from Kirsten’s mouth, and the mere idea of implementing them.

Olivia bit her lip. She’d been afraid of confronting Kai that morning, and she still was, but after last night, she had to talk to him. Couldn’t leave without saying at least goodbye.

Goodbye
. The word was like a knife stabbing into her chest.

She stood and swayed, the world graying.

Kirsten was instantly by her side. “You haven’t eaten a thing. Sit down and have some fruit. I’ll get Markus, then we can head back.”

Olivia nodded, not sure fruit would help. Her world was tilting on its axis. Maybe she was the one falling off the edge — and who could catch her?

***

Markus and Kirsten left her at the hotel and went back into the hills to continue their hike. She appreciated their concern — she’d be worried in their place, too, she guessed — but until she talked with Kai she wasn’t in the mood for anything else.

Although now, walking down the path toward the beach bar, she felt the fear return. Talk to him — about what? Confront him about his past? Wait until he told her about it? Thank him for last night? Say goodbye?

She didn’t want to say goodbye. Hated the thought of the days stretching before her without his soft voice, his faint smile, his beautiful face.

Crap
.

Hi Kai, I’m sorry everyone you loved died in the accident. By the way, you know I’m leaving, too. Good luck with your life
—
or with ending it, since this is what you seem to want.

She winced.

Yeah, don’t let me hold you back. I’m only passing through, strolling through life, after all.

Oh god.

Her steps faltered as she entered the shade of the cafe. When her eyes adjusted, she looked for Kai.

But he didn’t seem to be there. A young woman was serving the tables and when she turned around, Olivia recognized his cousin, Rita.

“Hey,” Rita said and ambled toward her, showing tanned legs below her short skirt. “What can I get you?”

“Where’s Kai?” A bad feeling was building in the pit of Olivia’s stomach. The sea had been choppy and he’d been swimming. “Is he okay?”

Rita shrugged. “He seemed okay, although he did ask me to cover for him, which isn’t normal. Why, did something happen?” Her shrewd gaze nailed Olivia to the floor.

“No, nothing happened. I just...” She looked helplessly around, somehow hoping Kai would appear out of thin air. “Didn’t he say where he was going to be?”

Rita pulled a stool from the bar and sat. “No, he didn’t. He looked stressed. So do you. If I find out you hurt my little cousin...”

Olivia squirmed under Rita’s intense stare. Was she hurting Kai?

Shit
. She suddenly felt sick. He’d taken her to his hut, where he said he never brought anyone. They’d slept together. He’d promised to tell her all about himself.

And she hadn’t showed up all morning.

“Look,” Olivia said, “I wanted to talk to him. I fell asleep and am late. That’s all.”

“But now you know, don’t you? About his parents. About the accident. Panos said you do.”

Olivia nodded, her mouth not cooperating.

“Bloody hell,” Rita breathed. “Kai told you. He’s never talked to anyone about it. We tried to get him to talk, but he always ran. I’m impressed.”

“You don’t understand.” Olivia took a deep breath, determined to explain. “He didn’t tell me about the accident, but he was going to—”

“Believe him when he says he doesn’t remember what happened,” Rita said. “Only bits and pieces. His uncle in
America
talked to specialists there. He was found unconscious on the beach, long after everyone had stopped looking. Nobody knows how he made it there. The currents are so strong. The bodies of the others were never found.”

Olivia covered her mouth. Her eyes burned again, and she didn’t want to break down in front of this woman. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

“Of course rumors started circulating. They said the sea people saved him. Because he’s one of them. And everyone hated him for it.”

“So you don’t believe it.”

“I don’t know what to believe. People have always pointed a finger at our family. Our line is very old, a royal lineage of this place. Legend has it we married mermaids and that our blood runs blue. But,” she shook her head, “it looks red to me. The accident was all it took for the superstition to flare. Kai took the brunt of it.”

“People are idiots,” Olivia whispered.