Awake and Dreaming (5 page)

“Okay,” said Theo. She braced herself to lie.

“Your teacher says that you are simply not
there
in class—that you daydream constantly, never do your homework and don't try to make friends. He thought you just needed time to adjust, but you've been here for a month now with no improvement.” She smiled. “No one is angry with you. I'm sure there are good reasons why you can't concentrate. Nothing you tell me will get you into trouble, do you understand? I just want to help you.” They all said that.

Ms. Sunter rifled through a file of papers. “Now let's see …” She proceeded to recite Theo's history to her, while Theo nodded in the appropriate spots. The names of her previous four schools. The seven places, including two shelters and one hotel, where she and Rae had lived.
The times Rae had worked and the times, especially when Theo was a preschooler, when they'd lived on welfare.

Theo stared at the thick file. How did they know so much about her? It made her feel like a criminal with a record.

Ms. Sunter was looking at the pages angrily. “You and your mother have certainly had a hard life. Didn't your father ever help out? Have you ever met him?” Theo shook her head. “Do you know who he is?” asked the counsellor more gently.

Theo squirmed. “He was from Greece. My mother met him when he was staying with his uncle here—she was visiting here too, from Victoria. That's why I have a Greek name,” she added. She could hear Rae's words: “As handsome as a Greek god.”

Ms. Sunter smiled. “Do you know what your father's name is?”

“Alexios,” whispered Theo.

“Alexios what?”

“I don't know. My mother never knew his last name. He was going back to Greece the week after she met him. She didn't have his address and she never heard from him again.” Theo flushed. Rae would be furious if she knew she was saying all this.

Ms. Sunter sighed, scribbling in her notes. “I don't know my father either—he left when I was a baby.”

“Oh.”

Ms. Sunter looked as if she expected her to say more. Theo shifted impatiently and wished the counsellor would
get on with the hard part—the questions about Rae.

“Let's talk about your mother now.” Theo got ready. “She's working at the Hastings Diner, right?”

“Yes.”

“What are her hours?”

“Ten to six.”

“Who takes care of you after school?”

Theo thought fast. “A woman in our building called Mrs. Mitic. She's really nice. We watch TV together until my mother comes home.”

“Does Mrs. Mitic make your supper?”

“No, my mother does after she gets back from work.”

“Do you get enough to eat, Theo? I know your mum must have a hard time stretching her salary.”

“My mother's very good at budgeting,” said Theo.

“And what sort of things do you have for supper? What did your mother give you last night, for example?”

Theo tried to remember what she'd fixed herself. “Kraft Dinner,” she said finally.

Ms. Sunter sighed again. “Yes. A very popular meal.”

She asked Theo several questions about the apartment and Theo was careful to say that it was warm and clean.

This was like being on welfare, when every aspect of her and Rae's life was constantly being scrutinized. “They're such snoops!” Rae used to complain. That's why she stayed off welfare whenever she could.

But at least the counsellor wouldn't make a home visit like a social worker would—then she'd find out that Rae was seldom there.

“Theo, I want to ask you something very important now. Is your mother nice to you?”

Theo pretended to look shocked. “Of course!”

“She never hits you?”

“Never,” said Theo firmly. She remembered a line from a TV show. “My mother is my best friend.”

“That's good to hear. Does she have a boyfriend?”

The question came so fast that Theo didn't have time to lie. “Sort of,” she admitted.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, she likes this guy she met in January—but she's only seen him a few times,” she added quickly.

“Are you sure, Theo? He doesn't live with you and your mother?”

“No, he doesn't. I told you, she hardly knows him.”

“Have you met him?”

“Just once.”

“Was he nice to you?”

Theo nodded.

Ms. Sunter studied her and Theo tried not to look down. “Theo, you know that if
anyone
—your mother or her boyfriend or any other adult—was doing anything to you you didn't like, you could tell me. If things ever got really bad at home you could go and live for a while with a family who would take good care of you until your mother was ready to have you back. Would you let me know if you wanted that?”

Theo nodded again, but her face burned.

A foster family—like Myrna had mentioned. Lots of
kids lived with foster parents. One girl in Theo's last class said her foster family was mean to her. Another boy was very happy with his.

That was the problem—how would you know what they'd be like if you couldn't choose? And even if the family was nice, you would never really belong to them. Not like being in a
real
family—not like the families in books.

Now Ms. Sunter was telling her how important it was to work hard in school. “
I
grew up poor, you know. My family lived on welfare for years, but my brother and sister and I all went to university. You can do that too, Theo. I see from your test results that you're very intelligent. Mr. Barker told me you wrote a wonderful poem, and the librarian says you read exceptionally well for a nine-year-old.” She smiled. “Perhaps you're a dreamer. That's not a bad thing. But you have to live in
this
world, Theo. Do you think you could start paying attention in class? Could you try a little harder to make some friends?”

Once again, Theo nodded—the way she always did.

“Good. One more thing, Theo. Do you have a shower or a bath in your apartment?”

“A shower,” whispered Theo.

Ms. Sunter looked her briskest. “It's a good idea to have a shower and wash your hair every day. Does your mother forget to remind you?”

Theo hung her head. The only times she took a shower were when her hair got so matted she couldn't comb it.

“Your clothes are in bad shape, too,” said the counsellor. “I know your mother must have a lot of worries and she can't afford to get you new ones. Did you know we have a free clothing deposit at this school? Let's go and pick out some things for you.”

She took Theo's hand and they went along the hall to a locked room. Ms. Sunter opened the door and found a lot of clothes for Theo—a patterned red sweater, two pairs of jeans, T-shirts, a sweatshirt and a quilted green jacket with only a few stains on it. Best of all was a pair of pink high-top runners that were just a bit too big for her.

Theo wriggled her toes in the roomy shoes. She exchanged her skimpy sweater for the warm red one. Ms. Sunter put the rest of the clothes in a bag. “You can leave it in my office until after school,” she said.

“Thank you,” whispered Theo.

Ms. Sunter shook her hand. “It's been a pleasure to meet you, Theo. Let's have another talk next month. But you can knock at my door any time, all right?”

Ms. Sunter was
nice,
decided Theo, as she walked back to the classroom, looking down at her new pink shoes all the way. Ms. Sunter understood what it was like to be poor.

But she and the counsellor had forgotten that the other kids would immediately notice Theo's change of clothing. Some looked at her with pity and some with disdain as she slid into her seat.

R
AE WAS ANGRY
when she saw the clothes. “Do they think I can't take care of you? I bought you some shoes,
didn't I?” Rae had come home for dinner and presented Theo with a brand new pair of navy runners. She wanted Theo to take back the pink ones.

“Oh, please—can't I keep them both?”

“Well … all right,” grumbled Rae, getting dressed to go out again. “But don't accept any more of their charity or they'll start checking up on us.”

Theo took both pairs of shoes to bed with her. She couldn't decide which ones she liked the best. The pink ones were more in style but the white rubber on the navy ones was so smooth and clean. She couldn't remember ever having
two
pairs of shoes. She decided she would wear the navy ones tomorrow and the pink ones the next day.

After she turned out her light, Theo thought about her talk with Ms. Sunter. She was relieved the counsellor hadn't found out how she really lived—but if only she
could
help her. If only she could somehow find Theo a real family, not to stay with temporarily, but to live with always.

She hugged Sabrina and went over the familiar details.

Four children, two boys and two girls … Theo would
share a room with the two girls and after they went to bed
they would whisper and giggle and tell each other secrets …

“K
ITTEN
, I have something to tell you. Cal and I are going away for the weekend,” Rae said the next morning.

“Going away? Where?”

“To Harrison Hot Springs. Cal has the weekend off and he has a friend who has a cabin there we can use.”

“What about me?” said Theo. “What will I do?”

Rae looked evasive. “You can stay here, can't you? It's only for two nights. Donna's working Saturday for me. We're leaving Friday after work and we'll be back on Sunday night. Mrs. Mitic will keep an eye on you, and I'll get you lots of treats to eat.”

Theo shivered. “Please, Rae … I don't want to stay here alone. Can't I come with you?”

Rae drained her coffee, her eyes down. “The trouble is, Cal doesn't really feel comfortable around kids. And we need a little time to be by ourselves.”

She looked up. “I know you want to come, Kitten, but this is really important to me.” Her eyes pleaded so strongly that Theo stopped objecting.

She tried to persuade herself how great it would be to wallow in books all weekend. She could open all the windows and clear the apartment of Rae's smoke. But all she felt was panic.

W
HEN RAE CAME HOME
on Sunday, Theo was lying in a stupor in front of the TV, surrounded by dirty plates, empty potato chip bags and candy wrappers. Her head pounded and her stomach hurt from eating so much of the junk food Rae had left for her.

Mrs. Mitic had poked her head in yesterday afternoon. “Are you all right, girl?” When Theo had nodded, she'd asked her to go to the store and get her some coffee. At least that had been something to do; already her head was too heavy to read any more.

She'd managed to hang around Mrs. Mitic's apartment for the rest of the day, watching a movie with her. But at supper-time the old woman had shooed her down the hall. “All right, that's enough of you. I want to phone my sister. You know where I am if you need anything.”

She'd been so brusque that Theo hadn't gone back, even though the second night was just as awful as the first. She couldn't escape into sleep from her night terrors, not when she knew Rae wasn't arriving home later. Theo quivered in bed, sure that every sound was something coming to get her. She didn't close her eyes until the first sign of light; then she had a terrible nightmare about falling down a dark hole, falling forever without landing.

Today she had hardly left the couch, letting the TV sound fill up the empty space inside her. She couldn't read and she couldn't pretend; she was a grey blob of nothing.

Now Theo looked up at her mother blearily. At least she wasn't alone any more.

Rae looked sort of—
sparkly
. Her cheeks glowed and her hair was dotted with raindrops. She moved away some of the encrusted plates, sat down beside Theo and gave her a hug. Theo stiffened.

“I have wonderful news, Kitten. Cal has asked me to move in with him!”

Theo felt as if all the air had been sucked out of her. “What?”

“He's asked me to live with him—isn't that cool? I've finally found the right man! He's really committed, Theo, I can tell.”

“But—” Theo couldn't get her tongue around the question. Finally it blurted out. “But what about
me
? Will I live there, too?”

Rae had never looked so guilty. “We haven't made up our minds about that yet.” She shook her wet hair as if she were shaking away the decision. “But don't worry, Kitten. I have a plan—I just need to figure out the details. It will all work out, I promise. Whatever happens, I'll make sure you're taken good care of.”

5

“P
lease,
Rae—I don't want to go!” begged Theo for the hundredth time.

Rae was shoving Theo's clothes into a duffel bag. She looked up, holding a blue sock. “Theo, we've been over this again and again. I've told you, it's only for a little while. Just until Cal and I get settled. Then I'll persuade him to let you live with us. But he isn't ready for you yet—he needs to get used to
me
first. Don't you see, Kitten? Besides, Sharon really wants you. She was overjoyed when I suggested it.”

“I don't
know
Sharon,” moaned Theo.

“Of course you know her. She's your aunt! She was always making a fuss over you when you lived with her and Ma. Is there a mate for this sock?”

Theo ran out of the room and buried her face in the couch. It was no use. She'd argued angrily with Rae all week, ever since she'd phoned Sharon in Victoria.

Surprisingly, Rae didn't get angry back. She repeated
her
arguments with a wooden patience, as if she were learning lines for a play. Theo wanted to scream every time she said, “It's only for a little while.”

Exactly how long was a “little while”? Every time she asked, Rae would repeat, “I can't say exactly. We just have to wait and see.”