Average American Male (15 page)

“Dude, that is fucking vile.”

“You would, too.”

“What? No fucking way.”

“Yeah, you would. If no one will know and there’s no risk involved, what do you care if she’s old. She’s still got a pussy, right?”

He realizes I’m right. “Yeah, I guess I would fuck her. Would you fuck any bitch on this planet given that same situation?”

My gut reaction is to say yes, but logically that can’t be true. I hedge my bet.

I say, “Maybe not all of them. In the age range of seventeen or so to dead, I’d probably fuck like ninety-eight percent.”

A decent-looking mom walks in with two little kids. She’s kind of fat.

Todd indicates her with a head nod and says, “Is she ninety-eight percent?”

“Yeah.”

There’s an old, insane-looking homeless bitch on the street corner.

Todd points to her and says, “Dude, is she ninety-eight percent?”

“Uhhh . . . yeah, sure.”

“Holy shit. You’d fuck her?”

“Yeah, if she vaporizes right after I do it, what do I care?”

“If she’s ninety-eight percent, then what’s a two-percenter look like?”

“I don’t know. I’ll let you know when I see one.”

We finish our sandwiches and on the entire ride back to work we don’t pass a single two-percenter. I wonder if the fact that I live in Los Angeles has anything to do with it or if I should just change my range to ninety-nine percent. It’s probably L.A. I decide to leave it at ninety-eight percent.

Introducing Alyna

Over the course of the last week Alyna’s sucked my cock once and given me one hand job in the shower. I’ve eaten her out once and fingered her once, also in my shower. These statistics are enough to make Todd want to meet her.

I pick Alyna up at nine and we go to a bar called Daddy’s, where we meet Todd and two girls sitting in a booth with him who I assume did not come with him. One of the girls is short and fat with a pretty cute face and small sloppy tits that are poorly concealed in a shirt that no girl that chubby should be wearing. The other girl is surprisingly attractive for having such a fat pig as a friend. As we sit down Todd says,

“What’s up guys, this is Sandra and Debra.”

Debra, the short fat one, says, “It’s Devra, with a v, like vagina.”

In addition to being short and fat, Devra is drunk.

I introduce Alyna to everyone around the table.

Todd says, “So, Alyna, what do you do?”

She says, “I’m a student. This is my last year, though.”

Todd says, “Cool.”

Sandra, the hot girl, says, “Where do you go?”

Alyna says, “UCLA.”

Devra the fat pig says to me, “And are you guys like boyfriend and girlfriend or are you fair game?” Then she laughs a weird laugh that almost sounds like an eight-year-old kid and I imagine the cellulite that must be on her ass and thighs rippling as I fuck her.

Alyna looks at me. I refuse to say anything.

She says, “No, we actually both got out of relationships not too long ago and I’ve sucked his dick once and he’s eaten me out . . . oh, and we’ve given each other hand jobs in his shower, but it’s not that whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing yet, so I guess he’s fair game.”

I want to fuck Alyna right there.

Devra the fat pig looks at me with an open mouth. Judging by their similar slack-jawed expressions, Sandra and Todd also seem to be a little surprised by the bluntness of what Alyna just said. I smile and kiss Alyna on the cheek. She smiles back.

Todd says, “Uh . . . I’m going up to the bar to get some drinks. You guys want anything?”

We put in our order with Todd and he leaves us with Sandra and Devra, whose mouth is still hanging open, making her look even more like an actual pig to me.

Alyna says, “So what do you guys do?”

Devra the fat pig says, “I work at an ad agency as a project coordi-nator.”

Sandra the hot one says, “I’m a graphic designer at the same place.”

Devra says to me, “And what do you do?”

I say, “Nothing important.”

That ends whatever conversation might have been about to happen. We sit in silence for another minute until Todd comes back with drinks for the whole table, which seems to erase the uneasiness everyone was feeling after Alyna told them she sucked my cock.

As we all drink and talk about nothing important, Sandra the hot girl explains that since moving to Los Angeles she’s only dated jerks and can’t seem to find a guy that takes her seriously. Devra the fat pig explains that all the guys she goes out with just want to have sex and then never call her again. Sandra further explains that her problem isn’t in the guys calling her back. They call her all the time, it’s just that they only call her to have sex. I can see Todd mentally construct-ing the best possible strategy to result in fucking at least one of them tonight, preferably the hot one.

He says, “I hate the dating scene. I’ve had my heart broken enough to know that it’s rough out there, especially for a guy who just wants to meet a nice girl and doesn’t want the whole fast-paced L.A. thing.”

It’s a strong strategy.

Alyna leans over and whispers in my ear, “Does your friend really think that’s going to work?”

Sandra the hot one and Devra the fat pig say almost in unison, “I know what you mean.”

I lean over and whisper in Alyna’s ear, “Yes.”

Alyna drinks the last of her cosmopolitan and says, “I’m getting another drink, anybody want anything?” I ask her to get me another Dewar’s and then watch her perfect ass leave the table in a tight black skirt. When I turn my head back to the conversation at hand, I notice Todd was also watching Alyna’s ass. He notices me noticing him and then gives me the thumbs-up. The two girls he’s trying to fuck tonight are oblivious as they talk about a new lip gloss that Sandra bought at the Grove.

I look at the bar to see if Alyna’s close to getting our drinks and see that some guy is talking to her. He’s sloppily holding a drink and standing as close as he possibly can to her. I wonder if he’s thinking about fucking her or getting his dick sucked as he tries to pick her up. My gut reaction is to go to the bar under the guise of seeing if Alyna needs help so I can tell this asshole to go fuck himself, but I don’t know if that’s something I have the clearance to do at this point in whatever relationship it is that we have. So I watch the following: The guy says something to her.

She gives no reaction.

The guy says something to her again and motions his drink toward her, possibly asking if he can buy her one.

She shakes her head.

The guy says something else and Alyna looks over at me, rolls her eyes, and mouths,“I fucking hate this,” as she indicates the guy with a thumb point.

It’s in that one second that I have an overwhelming urge to hug her, to fall asleep with her, to wake up with her, to smell her hair, to do everything with her except fuck. Then she turns around to pick up our drinks from the bar and I get a perfect shot of her ass again, which replaces my previous impulses with the more familiar set of urges to fuck her in every way imaginable.

She comes back to the table with a fresh round of drinks. We all talk about movies, TV shows, and records we think are good and bad and other completely boring bullshit. Todd and the hot girl seem to be doing most of the talking as the fat pig tries to interject here and there but must know she has no chance of scoring any guy once her hot friend shows even the most remote amount of interest.

Neither Alyna nor I contribute much to the conversation. Instead we drink our drinks and she puts her hand in my lap. Over the course of the next thirty minutes, her hand moves from gently resting on my leg to semi–jerking me off through my pants. Todd and his two bitches are oblivious to what’s going on under the table, which at one point is me fingering Alyna under her skirt and her about to make me blow a load in my pants by rubbing my cock through them.

As the table conversation dives into further boredom with a change in topic to the sensibility of leasing cars versus buying them and how the reverse is true in the real estate world, a slightly drunk Alyna leans over with her hand still on my cock and whispers the following line in my ear: “I want to go back to your place and fuck your brains out right now.”

I say, “Well, ladies, it was nice to meet you. Todd, I think we should be going. We’re getting kind of tired and I’ve got to be up early in the morning for some things.”

He says, “What? What things do you have to be up early for?”

“Just some things.”

“Like what? You don’t have to be up early for shit.”

I’m kind of buzzed and far too ready to fuck to think straight. I say,

“I have to make a phone call.”

This seems to confuse everyone at the table enough to allow our dismissal.

Todd says, “Oh. Well, Alyna, it was nice meeting you. I’m sure we’ll be seeing more of each other around.” I can’t tell whether he’s trying to hit on her or he’s giving our burgeoning relationship a drunken vote of confidence.

She says, “Nice meeting you, too.”

The fat pig and the hot bitch both say something like, “Good night, nice meeting you,” but I don’t care enough to actually decipher it.

As we leave I shift my hard-on to make walking more comfortable.

When we get in the car Alyna says, “Jesus Christ, I thought we’d never get out of there,” and she kisses me hard with a wet mouth.

When we get back to my place, she kind of pushes me down on my bed, takes my pants off, and starts sucking my cock. Without taking her mouth off my dick she somehow takes her own clothes off and maneuvers herself around into the sixty-nine position. Once again I notice her asshole smells like some kind of berry or melon and once again I enjoy it.

She sucks my dick as I eat her out, then just as I’m wondering if she’s going to make good on the offer to fuck my brains out, she climbs off my face and sits on my dick. I don’t really do much except lie there while she grinds on my cock.

I don’t know if she can somehow sense it or if it’s just lucky timing, but every time I’m about to blow a load she gets off my cock and says something like, “Fuck me doggie style,” or “I want you on top.”

It seems like we’ve been fucking for a while, but as she cums and the sound of her cumming makes me blow a gigantic load in her pussy, I look at the clock and notice that we’ve only been going at it for ten minutes. I wonder if she’s in any way disappointed. I’m far from it. Even in the few seconds after I’ve expelled what must be one of the biggest loads of my life, I am fully aware that this is quite possibly the best single sexual experience I’ve ever had, barring maybe the first time I had my dick sucked by Jennifer Gladson my sophomore year in high school.

She lies down next to me, panting. She says, “That was amazing.”

I say, “Yeah.”

She doesn’t really snuggle up to me, but just kind of lays a hand on my stomach and we both just look at my ceiling, breathing. The berry or melon smell from her asshole is still in my nose, which I find pleasant. I think momentarily about a conversation we had last week in which she explained that she’s been on the pill since she was seventeen and it’s the only form of birth control she’ll use because she hates rubbers. I wonder if she was lying, or if maybe she’s forgotten to take it recently and my giant load is impregnating her. Despite my overwhelming urge to ask her these questions, I remain quiet and just stare at my ceiling.

After ten or fifteen minutes pass and I’m almost asleep, I feel her hand on my dick and her lips on one of my nipples. She says, “You got another round in ya?” Judging by the speed with which my dick becomes hard, I guess I do.

Halo 2

The next morning I wake up and Alyna’s in my bed next to me, staring at me. She says, “Morning.”

I say, “Good morning.”

“Last night was pretty incredible.”

“Yeah.”

“I think we should see if we can relive a little of it this morning.”

I don’t know why Alyna would only suck my dick and jerk me off until last night, but apparently whatever kind of seal she had on sex has been broken. We fuck each other in a slow, controlled rhythm that makes us both cum about thirty minutes later. Then we get up, take a shower, and go into my kitchen area to look for breakfast. As we pass through the living room she notices my array of video game systems and says, “You have an Xbox 360?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you have Halo 2?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you any good?”

It’s a strange challenge that excites me almost as much as the thought of her ass grinding against my crotch as I fuck her. We hur-riedly eat two bowls of Fruity Pebbles and sit down to play Halo for the next few hours. Alyna’s not the best Halo player I’ve ever seen and is less than a challenge for me, but I’m legitimately impressed at the level of skill she does have, and her genuine enthusiasm for the game is beyond rare for a girl.

As we play she admits to being a minor video game junkie and attributes her interest and skill to having two brothers who constantly played video games and refused to let her play shitty girl games like Tetris or Bubble Trouble when they were growing up. I want to meet her brothers.

After we play against each other on several maps and she vows that one day she’ll beat me, we go online and get into a few team games.

In each of them she hops in the driver’s seat of the warthog and I get on the turret. She’s a good driver and we do well. She says, “I love this game. I can’t wait until the next one comes out.”

I instantly remember a day that Casey agreed to play Halo with me. She played for a grand total of three minutes and complained that she didn’t understand the controls before asking me if we could play Tetris or Dance Dance Revolution, which she later forced me to buy. When I told her that I didn’t have Tetris and I didn’t want to play Dance Dance Revolution because it’s a shitty game, we ended up going to the Beverly Center and looking at couches in Crate and Barrel for three hours.

As the next game queues up and we can already hear the voices of some of the players who have entered the queue with us, I wonder if Alyna could ever spend three hours looking at couches.