Autumn's Kiss (10 page)

Sean catches my eye and smiles. I break out in a sweat. What if he and I are picked? What if he tries to kiss me? Do I let him, or do I spend seven minutes talking to him about what he's pulling with me and Reenzie?

Sean winks. I start to melt into the floor.

Crap. There's no way I'll talk to him. If we're shut in a closet together and he tries to kiss me, I'll kiss him back, and it'll be amazing and wonderful and world-upending…until the seven minutes ends and I feel worse than ever because I still don't know if I'm the only one he wants to kiss.

Don't be my name,
I think, concentrating on the hat.
Don't be my name.

“Carrie Amernick!” Taylor reads her slip of paper.

Carrie grins, baring her fangs eagerly at J.J. He's not even looking her way.

“Um…” Leo squints at the piece of paper. “Leah…Donovan?”

That's the firefighter. “Darling!” she cries to Carrie, and the two grab hands and run into the closet, where they spend the next seven minutes making ridiculous noises to get everyone laughing. The next two names are Alec and Reenzie. Reenzie does a big fake-gasp when her name is called with Alec's. Alec looks elated, but the reaction I really want to see is Sean's. He's smiling along with everyone else, but I can see he's not happy. It's a fake smile. And he spends the next seven minutes listening intently for any noise from the closet, all the while anxiously tapping the fingers of one hand against his thigh pad.

Taylor and Leo get picked together next, which proves to me that wishes can come true even without magic diaries. Taylor looks thrilled about it, but Leo looks like he might vomit. I trust that's nerves and not a change of heart, so I catch his eye and give him a big encouraging smile. He smiles back and nods slightly, and by the time they make it across to the closet, he looks a lot more relaxed and confident. I send him mental telepathy to kiss her, and I send the universe mental telepathy to make him a decent kisser.

The game goes on, and it pretty quickly goes from people possibly making out to people trying to put on the best show for everyone else to hear. Alec and Jack do a whole radio play of ridiculous noises when they're in together, while Reenzie and Taylor stage a fake fight during their time. Sean goes in a couple times, but never with Reenzie, and I end up with Leo, which is great because I get to hear that he did indeed kiss Taylor and it went well. Plus, I give him some more ideas about things to say to her, since he feels like he's running out. I even punch my cell phone number into his contacts in case he ever needs my help, though I warn him to delete any conversations we have right away so Taylor doesn't see them.

After a while the game winds down, but Reenzie's not quite ready to give it up. “One more! One more!” she shouts. I think she's hoping she'll get picked to go in with Sean. Carrie Amernick and Taylor agree, I'm guessing because Carrie wants to go in with J.J. and Taylor wouldn't mind going back in with Leo. Reenzie has Sean pick the name from the hat.

“J.J. Austin…,” he says.

Carrie hoots out loud. Sean reaches back into the hat. He pulls out another piece of paper, then gives me a knowing look and half-grin. “And Autumn Falls.”

I smile. This is perfect. I've barely gotten to hang out with J.J. at all tonight, and I'm dying to vent to him about what I saw in Reenzie's room.

He's standing closer to the closet than I am, so I walk his way and extend my arm. “Shall we?”

“As you wish,” he says.

Carrie Amernick snaps her fangs at me as we pass her, and I'm pretty sure she actually growls, but I ignore it.

The minute the door clicks shut, I lean close to J.J. and speak a mile a minute in a low voice no one outside will be able to hear. “Okay, so remember when Reenzie sent me up to her room to get the veil? So I go up there and I'm about to get the veil when I see this picture of me on her computer screen. A picture of me in Reenzie's room! So of course I stop and check it out….”

I go on and on, telling him everything, speaking even faster the longer I go because I don't want to run out of time. Then, just as I get to how I'm questioning everything I thought was bringing Sean and me closer, even the
When Harry Met Sally
…talking-on-the-phone-and-watching-the-movie-while-he's-sick thing…

J.J. leans in and kisses me.

And I think I kiss him back…a little. I mean, it's almost hard not to when someone leans in and kisses you. Unless you're repulsed. Like if it was Jack, I'd pull away and yell at him, but this…it was nice, I guess, just…unexpected. And strange. I mean, outside of Jenna, J.J.'s my best friend. I tell him even more than I tell Amalita. He's practically family.

That's the thought that gets me to pull away. Gently, not like I'm grossed out, because I'm not, it's just…

“What was that?” I ask.

J.J.'s face is still barely an inch from mine. There's hardly any light in the closet, so I feel him more than I see him, even though we're not actually touching anymore.

“Are you really that surprised?” J.J. asks.

“Yes,” I answer honestly.

I can make out a gentle smile on his face. His eyes are soft but intense as they look into mine. “Autumn, I've wanted to be with you since the day we met. You're incredible and smart and funny, and I've never liked being around anyone as much as I like being around you. You're also the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.”

I laugh a little. “I've seen the girls you've seen, and I'm not.”

“I don't lie to you, though,” he says. “You know that.”

I
do
know that. And I don't know if it's the way he's looking at me or the things he's saying, but I get a little fluttery in my stomach. I kind of want to kiss him again…but I kind of don't. I'm not sure. I mean…he's J.J. We're not like that.

“J.J.—” I start, but I'm glad when he cuts me off because I'm not at all sure where I'm going.

“I know you like Sean,” he says, “but you deserve more than him. You deserve someone who knows how amazing you are and doesn't flop around thinking there could be someone better.”

He's right, I know, and it feels so good hearing him say it. It also hurts because I can't help thinking it would be even better to hear
Sean
say the same thing.

“I don't know what to say,” I murmur.

“I know you don't.” J.J. smiles. “I think I know you pretty well. And maybe I'm an idiot to say this stuff, but you're worth the risk. I needed you to know how I feel. Like this.”

He touches my cheek and moves in closer, and this time I'm prepared. I kiss him back fully this time, and while I can't lie and say my whole body explodes the way it did when Sean kissed me…it's really nice. And loving. I like it. Still…

“I'm totally crazy for you, Autumn,” he says in a low whisper, so close we could practically still be kissing, “but I'm not that guy who waits around forever. Think about it, and if you want someone who really cares about you and gets you, I'm here.”

He springs away from me exactly two seconds before Reenzie flings the door open, and covers so it seems like nothing was going on. He stands up, putting on a show for the crowd.

“OW!” he yells, rubbing his neck. “Autumn,
I'm
the one with the fangs. I'm supposed to do the biting.”

Carrie immediately runs over to check his neck for actual tooth marks, while I try to come up with something equally goofy to say…but I have nothing. I'm too stunned.

J.J. likes me. He wants to be my boyfriend.

So what do I want to do about it?

I spend that night at Taylor's, but I don't tell her about what happened with J.J. It would be too weird. Plus, she's too busy raving about her “discovery” of Leo.

“It's so crazy,” she gushes. “He's been around at every rehearsal, but it's like I never even noticed him until tonight.”

“I guess some guys just need a party to shine,” I say.

“I guess…Did I tell you he thought I should go to theater school? Just from watching me at rehearsals.”

“He's perceptive,” I say.

Taylor sighs and hugs her pillow to her chest. “And an amazing kisser.”

Thank you, universe,
I say silently. “What about Ryan?”

“Ryan is incredible,” she says, “but I don't know…it just wasn't going anywhere.” She sits up quickly, an idea just hitting her. “Do you think he really is gay?”

“Does it matter?”

She thinks a second.

“No. Even if I had a chance with Ryan, Leo's better. He just gets me, you know? And we have a ton in common. Did you know
Phantom
is his favorite musical too?”

I could eat this up all night. But after she falls asleep, I start thinking about J.J. again. I text Jenna to make sure she's home, double-check that Taylor really is asleep, then use the map to zip to Jenna's house. I tell her everything: Sean flirting with me, the pictures on Reenzie's computer, J.J.'s admission…everything.

“Okay, first—not even remotely surprised. J.J. has been your Duckie from minute one.”

It's a
Pretty in Pink
reference. Jenna and I have seen the movie about a zillion times. “But Andie doesn't end up with Duckie,” I say.

“Sure she does. About six months after the movie ends, when she realizes Blaine's a complete tool and Duckie's a million times better for her.”

“Projecting much?”

“I wish. I dumped my Blaine, but I'm Duckieless. I'll have to live vicariously through you.”

“I'd rather live it vicariously through you,” I say. “I don't know what to do.”

“Take your time. I know J.J. said he won't be around forever, but he's J.J. He will. If you want to be with him, that's great—just take the time to make sure you
really
want to be with him first. You don't want to break his heart just because you're curious.”

“Of course not,” I say…but the truth is, I
am
curious. What would it be like to go out with J.J.? I've never really thought about him that way, but if you ask Carrie Amernick, she'll tell you he's an incredible catch, and Carrie's beautiful and popular
and
she already went out with him, so she knows what kind of boyfriend he is.

But Jenna's right. Curiosity isn't enough.

I spend another couple hours with her, then map myself back to Taylor's to sleep. The next day, she and I realize neither of us ever heard back from Amalita about the party, so we call until we reach her. We put her on speakerphone.

“Hi, Taylor! Hi, Autumn!” she says. Her voice is cheery, but there's something a little weird about it. A little strained and proper, maybe? I can't really put my finger on it.

“Where were you last night?” Taylor asks her. “Are you okay?”

“Were you delivering him chicken soup and watching movies together over the phone?” I add.

“No, he's fine,” Ames says. “We're fine. We just weren't up for a party last night.”

“Not
up for it
?” Taylor echoes incredulously. “We've been talking about this party for weeks!”

“Yes, but Denny wasn't feeling like a high school party.”

I look at Taylor. This is weird. “A ‘high school party'?”

“Yeah, you know…he just didn't want to go,” Ames says. “So we hung out, just us.”

“Did you have fun?” I ask.

“Way more fun than I would've at a party,” she says. “I've got to go, though. We're watching the pregame show and I don't want to talk over it.”

“The…
what
?!” I say. “You're speaking another language and it's not Spanish. What are you talking about?”

Ames laughs a fake laugh. “The NFL! It's Sunday. I came over to Denny's to watch.”

“For real?” Taylor asks. “Do you need us to rescue you?”

“You're funny,” Ames says. “I've got to go. See you tomorrow.”

She clicks off. Taylor and I look at each other, stunned.

“She's lost her mind,” I say.

Taylor shrugs. “She's in love.”

“She must be,” I say. She, in fact, has to be
really
in love to both miss Reenzie's party
and
sit around watching football. It's weird…but I quietly pat myself on the back for making her so happy.

By the time I get home from Taylor's, Mom and Erick are back from their trips. It's good to see them…until Mom starts in about driving lessons again. She already called the instructor she told me about and emailed me a schedule of potential start dates. I say I'll check them out, but I delete the email before I even read it. Maybe she'll forget.

The next day is Monday, and I'm nervous about seeing J.J. He hasn't texted or called since the party, and I'm worried he's waiting for an answer I don't have. I'm not even sure if he's going to pick me up for school, and I don't want to call and ask him.

Turns out I don't have to. He rolls up the same time as always. I'm nervous when I slide into his passenger seat. I don't even take off my shoes or put my feet up on his dashboard, and I don't mess with his radio the way I always do.

Halfway to school he says, “Five hundred sixty-five.”

“What?”

“Anagrams for ‘awkward silence.' So far. I'm still thinking of more.”

I blush. “J.J….”

“ ‘Awkward license.' That one's the most obvious.”

“I'm sorry…”

“ ‘Awkward ice lens.' That one's a gimme too.”

“I just don't know what to say,” I admit. “That's not a no. It's really an ‘I don't know.' And I don't want to say anything until I do know…you know?”

J.J. smiles. “I didn't say what I said to make us weird around each other. That's the last thing I want. If you need time to figure stuff out, that's cool. I get it.”

“You're sure?” I say.

“I'd be a jerk to pressure you into anything you weren't sure about,” J.J. says. “That's not how I want us to be. I'm here. I'm not going to pine at your doorstep and text you puppy-dog-eyed selfies, but I'm here.”

“Sure you won't send me selfies of you with puppy-dog eyes?” I ask.

“Maybe one. But it'll be a really creepy one.”

“Excellent. Totally holding you to that.”

I slip off my shoes, lean back in my seat, toss my feet on the dash, and switch the radio station. Life is good…until we get to school and can't find Ames anywhere.

“Seriously?” I ask Taylor and Jack as we hang by the lockers. “None of you have seen Amalita?”

“We saw her,” Sean says as he and Reenzie walk toward us. “She's with Denny. They're on the side lawn.”

“Why?” I ask. “Why doesn't she bring him here to hang with all of us?”

Reenzie gazes pointedly at Jack, J.J., and I, then says, “Really?”

“Oh, come on,” Jack says. “We're totally lovable.”

“Speaking of lovable…,” Taylor says. She waves to someone down the hall. “Leo! Hey, Leo!”

Leo spies us from down the hall and beams when he sees Taylor. He joins us and puts an arm around Taylor. She leans against him. “Miss me?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

“What did you do last night?”

Leo shoots me a panicked look, and I know what he's thinking. He has no idea what he should say, and he's guessing the truth won't work. There's an odd silence between them, so I jump in to rehash Reenzie's party, which is a conversation I know she'll love. Soon we're all reliving every moment, and that keeps us talking until class starts.

It's a good save, but if I'm going to keep their relationship going, I need to give Leo some more advice. I can tell he thinks so too. As he peels off to his first-period class, he discreetly pulls out his phone and raises his eyebrows.

He's asking me to text him.

When I get to class, I slip out my phone and text him:

You need to talk?

PLEASE!
he writes.
As soon as you can! I don't want to blow this.

On it. When's good?

Between third and fourth periods. I'll be outside the theater room.

Done and done.

So right at the end of third I look for him. I'm outside the theater…but Leo isn't. He doesn't show. I wait as long as I can, but we only get a quick grace period between classes. I don't want to be late. I've had bad experiences being late to class.

Did I get the place wrong? Did he want to meet me someplace else? I'd check the text, but just like I told Leo he should erase texts from me, I've been erasing texts from him.

I must have gotten it wrong. I must have read it wrong. Reversed the letters as usual. Now he's waiting for me someplace else and if I don't get there soon, we'll both be late for class.

I duck behind a pillar, pull out the map, and write Leo's name on it. I expect to appear in the hall somewhere close to him.

Instead I'm suddenly surrounded by half-naked guys.

No. No-no-no-no-no. This is
not
happening.

I'm in the boys' locker room. I see lockers, benches…and way too many guys in tighty-whities. Or gym shorts. Or towels.

I need to write myself out of here
immediately.
Even though miraculously no one saw me pop in, I have exactly a split second before someone does. I hit the deck behind a giant cloth laundry bin full of towels, then slither so I'm between the bin and wall. All I hear are guys' voices and some shoving and pushing. The air is too thick with sweat and my face is way too close to the floor.

This is so not okay. I want to write myself out of here, but I'm afraid to move a muscle. I will die if someone sees me.

I stay down, barely breathing, until all the sounds fade away. The room is empty. Everyone's either changed and in PE or showered and back to class.

Yes.

I take a deep, relieved breath…and instantly regret it. The air is way too dank for that. I jump up, push the laundry bin away, and run…

…straight into a guy in a towel.

“Autumn?”

I wince. It's painful to look up, but I do. I even manage a big smile. “Sean!”

I gasp. He's wearing nothing but a small towel. And he's wet from the shower. The water beads like ornaments on his muscles. I want to touch each bead and pop it on his skin, then watch the water trail down his body.

I really have to stop. This is
not
a romantic setting. At all. Not even remotely.

But wow, he looks good in a towel.

“What are you doing here?” he asks.

“That's an excellent question,” I stall, trying not to get distracted by the fact that he's wearing
only a small towel.
There's nothing under his towel. And by that I mean he's just wearing a towel.

“Autumn?”

Oh no. I totally got distracted. It's his own fault. You can't have a body like his and expect it
not
to be distracting when shoved behind a towel. Somehow I have the wherewithal to tuck the map behind my back, even though I'm sure the last thing he's wondering about is whatever I might have in my hands.

“I was…meeting someone.” I wince.

“In the boys' locker room?”

“It's…complicated. Nothing weird, though. I swear.”

Sean laughs out loud. It echoes gorgeously. “It's always something weird with you,” he says. “That's what I like best.”