Autumn Leaves (28 page)

Rebecca picked up her car keys and left the house, shivering in the cool night air.

She had needed a familiar, safe place to go to, the thick walls, the high vaulted ceiling, and the stained-glass windows. It was cold in here though. She lowered her head, her hands folded in prayer. By now, she was shaking, and Rebecca thought wryly that it wasn’t God’s punishment for her, but her own stupidity. She should have put on a coat. As far as punishment went…She didn’t know.
Is that so?
she asked in her mind, defiantly.
I’m taking control of my life for once, and this is how you punish me for it?

This place that had once been a shelter seemed like a trap now.
What can I do?
She looked up at the sad-looking Jesus sculpture on the cross. Was He sad, or just tired? Rebecca could sympathize either way.
I’m sorry. If you’re trying to tell me something, I don’t get it, but I promise to try harder.

“I love my girls. I love Callie. I can’t win.” Rebecca jumped when she heard the rustle of clothes behind her.

“What are you doing here?” Maria asked softly.

“Right.” Rebecca laughed. “That’s a very good question. What the hell am I doing here?” She didn’t even flinch at her own, not very church-appropriate language. “You heard?”

“Yeah.”

In the chill of the building, the tears burned hot on her face. “I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe what happened is all my fault. Maybe it is wrong to feel this way in the first place.”

“No, it isn’t,” Maria said, her hand warm on Rebecca’s shoulder. “You two just didn’t have the best timing. David’s disappointed right now, so he listens to everything Laurie says. It’ll pass. What you and Callie have is worth fighting for.”

“Did she ever talk about me?”

Maria smiled. “She doesn’t have to. You know what? Actually, I’m a bit jealous of you. Not of all the horrible things that happened lately, but you doing what your heart tells you to. How many people have the guts to do that? I know I don’t.”

“Maria, that’s...”

“It’s true. I’m living a comfortable compromise. If God was punishing anyone, then it should be me for living a lie. I guess He cuts me some slack because I have a really beautiful voice.”

Despite herself, Rebecca had to laugh.

“Go home, Rebecca. Be with the person you love instead of freezing your ass off in here. You know you don’t have to be here to have this conversation.”

Rebecca leaned into the offered embrace gratefully, but it couldn’t entirely chase the cold away. “Thank you.”

“Always. You’re my best friend.” Maria winked. “The one who has the most exciting life too. Don’t give up yet. The girls will want to come back to you.”

The first snowflakes, early this year, were falling when Rebecca parked the car yet again, this time in front of an empty house. The unexpected talk with Maria had helped, but she still felt too tired to move. At the same time, she knew that she wouldn’t be able to find any sleep yet. On the porch steps, she sat down. It wasn’t even as cold as she had expected. Callie’s car wasn’t there. It wasn’t that easy to follow Maria’s advice, much as she would have liked to.

* * * *

“Thanks for bringing Maggie. Have a good afternoon, Ms. Bryan.”

Laurie Lowman had made it clear that Callie was not welcome to come inside. Maybe she was as anxiously waiting for David’s return as everyone was, if each of them for different reasons. Tomorrow. She couldn’t believe it. She supposed she should give Rebecca some time to sort everything out, so she should just get things ready on her end.

Too restless to make any preparations in the house, Callie took the car on a road leading out of town. She stopped for a coffee after half an hour, even though more caffeine was the last thing she needed.

Nerves. So much could still happen at this point. Maggie had seemed okay this morning, if still shaken, but that had really nothing to do with Callie and Rebecca’s plans. Dina would adjust, at least that’s what Callie hoped. Would David be ready to end things quietly?

Callie took some more time to drive around the country only to realize she had overestimated the daylight. She got lost. It took her a while to find a rather lonely gas station where she bought a bagel and more coffee for dinner before she went on her way. Being out of Autumn Leaves for the first time since she’d moved here felt scary and liberating at the same time. Still, she had a reason to go back. She felt safer knowing the men who tormented her had been caught. Now, she and Rebecca had a few years of time to figure out what to do once they were released. Callie didn’t want to think of that possibility now. There were other bridges to cross first. Finally, much later than planned, she pulled into the shelter of her carport. For a moment Callie thought that what she saw could be a hallucination.

“What happened? Why are you out here? You’re freezing!” Rebecca was sitting on the steps of her porch, snowflakes glistening in her black hair. It was Callie’s first clue that things hadn’t gone quite as hoped, but those answers would have to wait for now.

“Just a few minutes,” Rebecca mumbled, not making any sense. Her blouse and skirt were damp, her skin chilled.

“It’s snowing,” Callie pointed out. “Why don’t we go inside?”

The Lowmans’ house was dark, which bode for nothing good. “Let’s just get you some clothes, and you’ll come with me. We’ll figure out the rest tomorrow.”
It starts now.
The knowledge filled her with a mix of excitement and some worry for what might have happened to move things up the timeline like this.

“Okay.” Rebecca unlocked the door and let her inside, not explaining the feel of quiet and emptiness of the house. It was very different the night before. There was still coffee in the pot in the kitchen, and shards of a mug on the floor beside the counter. When they went upstairs, Callie got a glimpse into the girls’ rooms as doors were standing wide open. No one was sleeping in them. The realization hit her like a gut punch.

Rebecca stayed quiet as she packed some clothes, seemingly paying no attention to what she was actually putting into the suitcase.

“Whatever,” she said tiredly, shutting it. Her hands were shaking.

“You can always get the rest later,” Callie assured. “That will be enough for now. Is there anything else you want to bring?”
Calm down. Don’t ramble.

Rebecca just shook her head.

“Okay, let’s go then. There’s a nice hot shower waiting for you, and there’s food. You haven’t eaten, right?” With the way the evening had developed, dinner was probably the last thing Rebecca thought about. Callie found that even with her anger, there was some guilty relief mixed in. She hated seeing Rebecca hurt like this. It might help with their start though if the kids weren’t around for the first few days, just until they had settled in. On the other hand, it didn’t seem like that was what David and his mother had intended.

“Come on. Let’s go home.”

While Rebecca was in the shower, Callie lit the fireplace before she went to prepare a quick dinner. Her thoughts kept flashing back to the first dinner they’d had together here, knowing neither of them would end up sleeping alone. Tonight was meant for comfort, Rebecca’s and hers, assuring herself that Rebecca was not going to change her mind over this latest crisis.

Rebecca’s hair was still damp from the shower when she came to the living room where the table was set, tomato soup and toasted bread, cheese and grapes, wine. The start into the new life was abrupt. It was time to smooth it a little. She still looked tired, Callie noted, but less devastated than before. The realization made her own worries ease up too.

“Looks great,” Rebecca said with a hesitant smile. “I think I haven’t eaten since...” She stopped herself, taking a deep breath. “Sorry for the drama. I guess you have an idea...”

“Yeah.”

She took Rebecca’s hands in hers, trying to convey some sort of confidence. “It doesn’t always have to be that way. They will want to come back. They love you.”

She guessed that no protest was a good sign.

* * * *

As they lay together in the soft moonlight, Callie said, “There’s something I need to tell you.”

Rebecca was close to falling asleep, and she was surprised she’d even made it there.

“You didn’t change your mind on wanting to be with a neurotic mom?” She tried to insert some sense of humor. Rebecca knew it would be a while before this fear between them would subside, before they stopped thinking that one of them wasn’t ready for the massive changes that had already begun.

“Don’t be silly.” Callie’s kiss was soft. “It’s about my name. It’s not Callie. Well, it is, but spelled differently, with a
K
. It says Kellie O’Brien on my passport.”

“Oh.” Rebecca didn’t quite know what to make out of the revelation. “Why did you change it?”

“I didn’t. My publisher told me to, and I almost forget until I talk to my mother or my brother.”

Rebecca mused over this for a moment, the smile on her face feeling strange but good. There wasn’t much to smile about today.

“I suppose I can love you with a
K
just as well.”

“I just want you to know I’m not keeping any secrets from you.”

There was some significance in that. For the first time, Rebecca could admit to herself that they’d probably rushed this relationship—and that she didn’t mind. She missed Maggie and Dina so badly already it was almost like a physical pain. She couldn’t let things stand like that. In her mind, she’d gone back in time and searched for moments where she could have handled things differently. Rebecca didn’t find many. She should have told David right away because, if she was honest, she’d known right away that her relationship with Callie was neither an experiment nor an affair.
No secrets.
Rebecca thought of the moment when the shards in her hand had tempted her, and then the pull, going to the right place, finding someone to listen.

“Thank you,” she said.

Late in the night, she woke reluctantly despite the pleasant sensation of the warm body next to her, the soft sounds of the water as she moved to snuggle closer. Not to mention the pitch darkness outside indicating it would be a few hours before she had to start the day. With awareness came thoughts of the challenges awaiting her outside, in the real world, regardless of what she had achieved on the inside. Rebecca was so hurt and confused that she was ready to assume David would want to separate her from the girls forever. Certainly that was not his intention. She had overreacted. The man she knew wasn’t capable of being that cruel. Rebecca believed they would come to an understanding, even if it took more painful negotiation. They would have to discuss finances, too, and the sale of the house.

She thought of Maria. If she wasn’t there at the right moment, Rebecca might be sleeping in a pew instead of this bed, beside her lover. With everything that happened, this thought still brought a warm surge of happiness. They would bring the kids here, and they would be together. To be out in the open felt less frightening and more liberating than she’d thought. Rebecca still wasn’t sure if loving one woman made her a lesbian. If that was the case, she might simply surrender.

What had Maria been doing in church at this time of night anyway? Maybe God really sent a guardian angel if you needed one. Like when Sonia and her dog were in the right place just at the right time. Somewhat ironic that Craig was in charge of this investigation when for years, Rebecca subconsciously took measures not to be alone with him in a room after the incident on the in-laws’ anniversary.

Callie is braver than that
, she thought wistfully.
She spoke up so another woman could find the courage to come forward about those rich teenagers from hell. I love you so much.

She couldn’t have let her go. No reason, religion, or guilty conscience could do that now. Maybe she was indeed a lesbian. She would always be a mother. The two could go together. Other women did it before.

With that somewhat reassuring thought she fell back asleep, dreaming that she and Callie were about to get married in church. None of the scenery struck her as strange until the priest turning to them morphed into Craig wielding a bloody knife.

“You’re getting married to a slut!” he yelled at Callie.

“Mommy, where’s Pebbles?” she heard Maggie ask anxiously. When Rebecca spun around, she realized that she was all alone in the church, holding flowers in stained rubber gloves. The bells rang—a heavy and dramatic tone suddenly becoming the chirping of a cell phone. Rebecca woke with a start, her abrupt movement waking Callie in return.

“What time is it?” she asked, blinking sleepily.

“Just after five.” Rebecca reached for her phone, her heart still racing as the surreal images of the dream haunted her.

“Hello?”

Calm down.
She wasn’t alone. The girls would come back to her.

“Rebecca. I need to talk to you.” Craig’s words were slightly slurred, and she figured that whatever he wanted to tell her, she wouldn’t like it.

“I thought Weller and Beckett pleaded guilty. What happened?” She wished she hadn’t said those names when she saw the fear flash on Callie’s face. Rebecca reached for her hand, holding it tightly.