Audition (29 page)
Authors: Stasia Ward Kehoe
Tags: #Juvenile Fiction, #Stories in Verse, #Love & Romance, #Performing Arts, #Dance
It’s been too long since Remington
Glanced my way.
I force myself up,
Trace Lisette’s steps
To the exit.
Glanced my way.
I force myself up,
Trace Lisette’s steps
To the exit.
At the Rite Aid a block from the studio
I do not see Bonnie or Simone,
Who must have left
Before I found my legs.
Who must have left
Before I found my legs.
I buy a giant bag of Nestlé chocolate chips
And a can of peanuts.
Eat half of them before I cross the parking lot
Back to the studio
And a ride home from Señor.
And a can of peanuts.
Eat half of them before I cross the parking lot
Back to the studio
And a ride home from Señor.
Wish I had Bonnie’s courage to throw up.
I slide into my narrow bed
Alone.
Unwashed.
Unwashed.
Books, tights, bobby pins
Overgrown in my jungle
Of a room,
A mind.
Overgrown in my jungle
Of a room,
A mind.
My stomach
Bloated from an unfamiliar feast,
I languish
In the pain of overstuffed body,
Clouded heart.
Bloated from an unfamiliar feast,
I languish
In the pain of overstuffed body,
Clouded heart.
I shut my eyes.
See Rem’s mischievous smile,
Long lashes,
Brown eyes,
Sharing movements with Lisette,
Laughter with Jane.
See Rem’s mischievous smile,
Long lashes,
Brown eyes,
Sharing movements with Lisette,
Laughter with Jane.
I said I would wait.
Am I a fool for not waiting?
Should I have pulled his shirtsleeve,
Am I a fool for not waiting?
Should I have pulled his shirtsleeve,
Arched my back,
Made some demand?
Made some demand?
Should I have told Barry
I’d go with him to the Fall Formal?
Not waited the long bus ride,
The time for him
To grab his own courage,
Take his own chance,
Ask Katia?
I’d go with him to the Fall Formal?
Not waited the long bus ride,
The time for him
To grab his own courage,
Take his own chance,
Ask Katia?
Should I have said to Señor,
“No!”
When he said Bonnie
Would dance Aurora?
Should I have told him
I could do it?
“No!”
When he said Bonnie
Would dance Aurora?
Should I have told him
I could do it?
Should I have stayed in Jersey
The weekend before the audition?
Sweated in the studio?
Showed my passion,
My worth?
The weekend before the audition?
Sweated in the studio?
Showed my passion,
My worth?
I replay my stupid,
Foolish
Nod.
Rem’s giant hands
Pushing air,
Telling me to
Wait.
Foolish
Nod.
Rem’s giant hands
Pushing air,
Telling me to
Wait.
Why do hands
Pushing air
Push me?
Pushing air
Push me?
Why do I always
Time things wrong?
Go when I should stay?
Stay instead of go?
Time things wrong?
Go when I should stay?
Stay instead of go?
I wake up lonely.
Want to be
Someone’s
Prima
Ballerina
Muse
Girl.
Ballerina
Muse
Girl.
“You okay, Sara?”
Ruby Rappaport tosses
Her highlighted curls
Across her doll-like face,
Eyes concerned.
Her highlighted curls
Across her doll-like face,
Eyes concerned.
“Oh, sure.”
“Haven’t forgotten your blazer anymore?”
She smiles.
She smiles.
I laugh
As if I care.
Try to raise
My eyes
To meet hers,
My lips
Into a grin,
My heart
From my shoes.
As if I care.
Try to raise
My eyes
To meet hers,
My lips
Into a grin,
My heart
From my shoes.
In the studio
The air smells the same,
The mirrors still smeared,
The pianos still tinkling
Come-hithers
To the dancers in the hall.
The air smells the same,
The mirrors still smeared,
The pianos still tinkling
Come-hithers
To the dancers in the hall.
But I am more different
Than on New Year’s Day
When I thought I could own
Ballerina
Through Remington’s embrace.
Than on New Year’s Day
When I thought I could own
Ballerina
Through Remington’s embrace.
My feet so leaden,
I cannot imagine
I could ever dance
The picture in my mind.
The skipping four-year-old butterfly
In a basement studio
Catching Ms. Alice’s eye.
I cannot imagine
I could ever dance
The picture in my mind.
The skipping four-year-old butterfly
In a basement studio
Catching Ms. Alice’s eye.
Still I pin up a bun,
Slide into hunter green,
Ballet slippers.
Slide into hunter green,
Ballet slippers.
Crawl into the studio
As if there were no other doors
In the universe.
As if there were no other doors
In the universe.
Remington stands at his spot
Facing the barre on the far wall.
Pulls away to stretch, his back
Turned to me.
Pulls away to stretch, his back
Turned to me.
I sit on the floor
Beneath the center barre
Between Simone and Madison,
Bouncing my turned-out knees
Hard enough to make bruises.
Beneath the center barre
Between Simone and Madison,
Bouncing my turned-out knees
Hard enough to make bruises.
He pivots toward the mirror,
Walks in my direction.
I drop my head to my feet.
Walks in my direction.
I drop my head to my feet.
Despite Señor’s clacking heels
In the studio doorway,
Rem crouches down,
Touches my chin.
“It’s not what you think, Sara.”
In the studio doorway,
Rem crouches down,
Touches my chin.
“It’s not what you think, Sara.”
Which can’t be true,
Because I have thought everything.
Every possibility,
Combination,
Outcome,
Because I have thought everything.
Every possibility,
Combination,
Outcome,
Ends in a stalemate
Without conclusion.
And it must be one of them.
Without conclusion.
And it must be one of them.
“Okay.”
I add a false nod
Like the one I gave to Ruby Rappaport.
I add a false nod
Like the one I gave to Ruby Rappaport.
“We’ll talk after class.”
As if his smile
Commands
Acquiescence.
As if his smile
Commands
Acquiescence.
I stand up slowly,
In the aftermath
Of Remington’s words.
Knees weak.
Breath fast.
Furious
In the aftermath
Of Remington’s words.
Knees weak.
Breath fast.
Furious
At Rem for thinking
This could all be so easy,
At Jane for her power,
At Lisette for her pirouettes,
This could all be so easy,
At Jane for her power,
At Lisette for her pirouettes,
At myself
For nodding again,
For decisions that are always off count,
For not knowing the question
I would want him to answer
If I ever had the courage to ask.
For nodding again,
For decisions that are always off count,
For not knowing the question
I would want him to answer
If I ever had the courage to ask.
Yet the venom strengthens my legs.
The anger steels my back.
The frustration clears my head.
The anger steels my back.
The frustration clears my head.
When we get to grand battement
My leg kicks higher
Than any boy
Or girl
In the studio.
Kicks away
The regret,
The sorrow,
The uncertainty,
Up
Up
Over the streaks, smears, speckled fingerprints
To the top of the mirror where the clean glass
Reflects a sliver of pure light.
My leg kicks higher
Than any boy
Or girl
In the studio.
Kicks away
The regret,
The sorrow,
The uncertainty,
Up
Up
Over the streaks, smears, speckled fingerprints
To the top of the mirror where the clean glass
Reflects a sliver of pure light.
“Good job, Sara.”
Yevgeny finds me in the hall
After class,
Retying my pointe shoes
Before Variations.
After class,
Retying my pointe shoes
Before Variations.
He rubs his palms together,
Eyes thoughtful.
“Señor Medrano and I agree
It’s time to promote you to E class.
Get yourself some gray leotards
This weekend.”
Eyes thoughtful.
“Señor Medrano and I agree
It’s time to promote you to E class.
Get yourself some gray leotards
This weekend.”
I want to celebrate with Remington.
I can’t help myself.
I sail through Variations
Without even stopping to care
About staring at Bonnie’s
Skeleton back.
Without even stopping to care
About staring at Bonnie’s
Skeleton back.
Afterwards,
I walk down the hall,
Into the small studio
Where Lisette and Fernando
Practice one more lift
While Remington makes notes
In a tattered, coverless
Spiral notebook.
I walk down the hall,
Into the small studio
Where Lisette and Fernando
Practice one more lift
While Remington makes notes
In a tattered, coverless
Spiral notebook.
“That’s it. Thanks,”
He says to his dancers.
He says to his dancers.
I skip up to him,
Almost not caring
Who is watching us.
Almost not caring
Who is watching us.
“I’m in E class!”
And I am folded into his giant hug,
Smell his salty sweat, his nicotine breath.
Feel his damp, white T-shirt
Against my cheek.
Smell his salty sweat, his nicotine breath.
Feel his damp, white T-shirt
Against my cheek.
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