Atticus Claw Goes Ashore (11 page)

18

To Jimmy’s horror, Thug’s advice proved to be wrong. Pam the Parrot had insisted on getting married as soon as possible.

‘We can’t!’ he protested. ‘There’s no one here who can do it. We need a vicar or something.’

‘Oh no we don’t, Jim!’ Pam contradicted. ‘The Captain is licensed to perform wedding ceremonies at sea. Let’s do it before we get to the Ocean of Terror.’

As soon as the
Golden Doubloon
had passed safely through the Storm of Stupefaction, Pam dragged Jimmy to the Captain’s cabin and closed the door.

Thug and Slasher looked on through a windowpane. Captain Black Beard-Jumper was sitting at his desk. Pam fluttered up to his shoulder
and started to squawk something in English. The Captain let out a huge roar of laughter. Then he put on a solemn face and stood up.

Pam flew down to the floor, gripped Jimmy in a wing-lock and hoicked him on to the desk.

‘This is it!’ Slasher said excitedly.

‘I never got to wear a hat,’ Thug sighed.

‘It wouldn’t fit you anyway, not with the way your feathers are all puffed out,’ Slasher consoled him.

Thug’s head looked twice as big as normal. So did his body.

‘I feel all jingly-jangly,’ he complained. ‘Since I got hit by that bolt of lightning in the Storm of Stupid.’

‘The Storm of Stupefaction,’ Slasher corrected him. ‘Not the Storm of Stupid.’

The
Golden Doubloon
had navigated the storm intact, all except for Thug.

‘Stupefaction means getting whacked so you don’t know what’s going on, like what you did,’ Slasher explained. ‘Whereas stupid just means dumb, like what you
are
. D’you get it?’

‘No,’ said Thug

Inside the cabin, Captain Black Beard-Jumper
reached in his pocket and produced a metal bird ring. He held it out to Jimmy.

Jimmy took it reluctantly. Pam thrust her gnarled foot towards him. Jimmy slipped the ring over her scaly talons with difficulty.

‘By the power invested in me as the Captain of the
Golden Doubloon,
I now pronounce you magpie and wife!’ Captain Black Beard-Jumper proclaimed. ‘You may kiss the bride.’

Pam puckered up. Jimmy looked as if he was about to be sick.

‘Eerrrggh.’ Slasher shivered. ‘I feel sorry for the Boss.’

‘Me too.’ Thug pulled a face. ‘Imagine kissing that! I’d rather kiss Wal’s bum.’

‘I hope that mermaid fixes her good and proper,’ Slasher said.

The ceremony over, the Captain threw open the door and strode out, his big boots clomping along the deck.

Thug and Slasher flew round to the cabin door to greet the happy couple.

All they could hear was squawking. It was Pam.

‘Don’t give me any more of your excuses, Jim,
get up there and mend the crow’s nest,’ Pam screeched.

‘What’s got into her?’ Thug whispered.

‘I dunno,’ Slasher replied. ‘And when you’ve done that there’s a mirror to hang in our hatch. Make sure you get the hook in the right place. And then there’s my poo bucket to clean. I can’t poo in a dirty bucket.’

‘Why can’t you clean your own poo bucket?’ Jimmy snapped back.

‘I’m busy!’ Pam squawked. ‘Now get on with it!’ Pam flew off after the Captain.

Jimmy paced up and down the cabin, muttering to himself.

‘All right, Boss?’ Slasher said nervously.

Jimmy gave him a filthy look. ‘I should never have let you talk me into this. All she does is nag, nag, nag. She only wanted to get married so I’d do all her jobs for her.’ He advanced on Thug, his eyes glittering. ‘This is your fault. You said we could have a long engagement.’

‘Not far to go now though, Boss, until we get to
Volcano Island,’ Thug said hastily. ‘Then the mermaid can mash her.’

‘With any luck she’ll get mangled by the man-eating plankton first,’ Slasher said. ‘Did she tell you where the casket is?’ He hopped sideways out of Jimmy’s way.

‘Not yet,’ Jimmy said bitterly. ‘She’s saving it for our wedding night.’

‘That’s tonight, Boss!’ Thug exclaimed.

‘I know, you dimwit!’ Jimmy pecked his tail.

Just then there was a shout from the brig. The foghorn sounded.

They were approaching the Ocean of Terror: the most dangerous part of the voyage so far.

The magpies hopped outside the cabin.

‘Where is everyone?’ Thug wondered.

The
Golden Doubloon
was eerily silent. The only noise was the slop-slap of gentle waves hitting the bow, and the groaning of the sails as the wind pushed them slowly towards their destination.

‘On watch,’ Jimmy said shortly. ‘Look.’ The pirates stood around the ship’s rail. Each and every man had his eyes focused on the sea. Most of them had their cutlasses at the ready. A few had drawn pistols. They
were watching for the man-eating plankton.

‘I reckon we’ll be safer higher up.’ Jimmy flew up into the rigging towards the crow’s nest. Slasher and Thug fluttered after him. They perched in a line peering down at the men below.

‘I don’t like this,’ Thug whispered.

‘Neither do I,’ Slasher cawed softly.

The foghorn sounded again.

FONK! FONK! FONK!

All of a sudden the ship was enveloped in thick yellow mist.

‘What happened?’ Thug squawked.

‘I can’t see!’ Slasher sobbed.

The two magpies clung to one another, shivering with fear.

Down below there was a shout from one of the pirates, followed by a scream.

CHOMP. CHOMP. CHOMP.

CHOMP. CHOMP. CHOMP.

The magpies strained their ears. ‘Is that chewing I can hear?’ Jimmy said uncertainly.

The sound of an enormous belch penetrated the fog.

‘It’s the man-eating
plankton!’ another pirate yelled. ‘They’re coming aboard.’

There was pandemonium amongst the pirates.

Shots rang out. Cutlasses swished through the air. The screams were interspersed with swearing.

‘Hold steady, you lily-livered poltroons!’ Captain Black Beard-Jumper roared at his men. ‘Or you’ll cut each other to ribbons. STAMP ON THE BEASTS!’ His big boots clattered on the wooden deck. It sounded like he was dancing a jig.

Other pirates followed his lead.

TAP TAP TAP TAP!

CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP!

BBUUUURRRRPPPP!

The cacophony of noises went on and on. It was impossible in the fog to know what was happening or who was having the better of it – the man-eating plankton or the pirates. From the amount of burping going on, it sounded like the man-eating plankton were.

‘Chaka-chaka-chaka-chaka-chaka!’ Up in the rigging Thug’s beak started to chatter. ‘I don’t want to be eaten alive!’ he screamed. ‘I’m too young to die!’

‘Shut up, you idiot!’ Jimmy hissed. ‘The plankton don’t know we’re up here.’

‘Er, I think they do now, Boss,’ Slasher said.

The sound of chomping became louder. Tiny pinpricks of green were forging their way up the rigging towards the magpies in an advancing tide.

‘Should we fly away, Boss?’ Slasher gulped.

Jimmy looked around desperately. ‘We fly away in this and we might never find the ship again!’ The fog was thicker and yellower than ever, like dirty cotton wool.

‘What are we gonna do?’ Thug screeched.

Just then there was a flutter of wings. Pam landed beside them.

‘You hang that mirror yet, Jim?’ she nagged.

‘Not quite, Pamela, my dear,’ Jimmy said hastily. ‘It’s next on my list!’

‘Yeah? Well, I brought you this, for when you get to the poo bucket,’ Pam produced a packet from under her arm.

‘Never mind your poo bucket, you demented dodo!’ Thug screeched. ‘We’re about to be devoured by man-eating plankton!’

Pamela nipped Thug hard on his head.

‘Don’t call me a demented dodo,’ she said, ‘or I’ll get the cook to pluck you.’

‘We do have a situation, though, er … darling,’ Jimmy said.

The man-eating plankton were getting perilously close.

‘Blimey!’ Pam peered down at the advancing hordes. ‘I didn’t realise they could climb.’ She shook the packet of Scrubbit. ‘I reckon if it works on my poo bucket, it might work on these little beasts. Whadayousay we give it a try, Jim?’ She tore open the packet with her beak and sprinkled it on the swarming plankton.

The man-eating plankton started to cough. Some of them began to retreat. Others dissolved into green gunk.

Pam sprinkled more Scrubbit.

More man-eating plankton fell away.

Pam shook the packet of Scrubbit again. It was empty.

‘Blast it! I’m out!’ Pam swore.

‘Now what?’ Slasher’s beak was chattering. ‘Chaka-chaka-chaka-chaka-chaka!’

A new wave of plankton had come into view. It was like a green blanket edged with a great wall of yellow teeth.

‘Fishhook Frank says that’s why they attack in the fog,’ Pam regarded them with interest, ‘so you can’t see their gnashers.’

CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.

CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.

The man-eating plankton were closing in fast again.

‘I can’t afford to lose any more tail feathers!’ Thug screeched. ‘Help!’

‘Come with me.’ Pam led them up to the crow’s nest. ‘I’ve got an idea.’

She jumped on to the edge of the basket and lowered her tail.

PHUT! PHUT! PHUT!

PHUT! PHUT! PHUT!

Pam let out a deluge of droppings, followed by an explosion of foul-smelling gas.

Thug fainted.

The man-eating plankton stopped in their tracks.

PHUT! PHUT! PHUT!

PHUT! PHUT! PHUT!

‘Take that you little blighters!’ Pam screeched.

There was a fizzing noise, then a series of faint pops.

POP! POP! POP!

POP! POP! POP!

Slasher peered over the edge of the crow’s nest. ‘Pam’s poop is making them explode!’ he said in awe. ‘Wow, Boss, I don’t envy you having to clean out her poo bucket.’

Jimmy looked wan.

‘That’ll teach you!’ Pam screamed at the rest of the retreating plankton. She turned to Jimmy. ‘I’m going back to see how the Captain’s doing! Wait here until he gives the all-clear. Then go and fix that mirror.’

The magpies waited anxiously in the crow’s nest, except Thug who lay unconscious, his feet in the air.