Atticus Claw Breaks the Law (9 page)

16

Beneath the pier, Jimmy Magpie was hopping up and down the rusty beam in a rage.

‘I knew that cat couldn’t be trusted!’ he screeched.

‘You was right, Boss!’ Slasher said hastily, moving a safe distance away.

‘Yeah, Boss, you hit the tail on the head!’ Thug agreed.

‘NAIL! You idiot. Not tail. I hit the
nail
on the head.’ Jimmy swiped at him with his beak.

Thug dodged and fell off the beam in a flutter of feathers. ‘Chaka-chaka-chaka-chaka.’

‘But even I didn’t think he’d be capable of such snivelling cowardice!’

‘It’s pathetic!’ Slasher said.

‘Sick!’ agreed Thug. ‘You should have seen your
face, Boss, when the cat said he wanted to put all the loot back!’

‘You looked like you’d been told you’d got bird flu!’ Slasher chortled.

‘And then when he took that necklace,’ Thug hooted. ‘I thought you were going to lay an egg!’

THWAK! Jimmy punched them both in the crop.

‘He took me by surprise, you idiots, or I’d have stopped him.’ Jimmy paced up and down. What a wussy pussy!’ he screeched. ‘What a pampered pet!’ He put on a baby voice. ‘Poor little kitty-witty, doesn’t like being a cat burglar any more. Wants us to say sorry and give the jewels back to their owners like good little magpies.’ He picked up an old sardine from a heap beside the nest and bashed it viciously on the twigs until its head fell off. ‘NEVER!!’ he screeched. ‘NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. I’d rather be boiled in oil.’

‘Er … I wouldn’t,’ Thug said nervously, regaining his perch. ‘If it’s all the same to you.’

‘Nor me,’ Slasher gurgled. ‘I’ve never been good with boiling.’

‘SHUT UP!’ Jimmy hurled the rest of the sardine at Thug. Thug ducked. The sardine hit Slasher hard on the chest. He fell off the beam in a flap. ‘You two
are the most lily-livered layabouts I have ever come across. You’re a disgrace to the bird world. You’re a pair of
pathetic
poultry. PUK-PUK-PUK-PUK-
PUK-PUK
-PUK!’ Jimmy strutted along the beam with his wings tucked in like a chicken. ‘You’re like PIGEONS!’ He turned on them. ‘Remember Penguin? Remember Beaky? Remember Goon?’

‘Yes, Boss.’ Slasher crawled back on to the ledge and collapsed.

‘They’d have been happy to be boiled in oil. They’d have laughed at the prospect. You could have pulled out all their feathers one by one and tied their beaks in a knot and they wouldn’t have cared.’

‘You sure, Boss?’ Thug scratched his head. ‘Only it doesn’t sound much fun.’

‘YES, I’M SURE, YOU FEATHER-BRAINED FATTY!’ Jimmy’s wing popped out in a swift karate chop and punched Thug in the stomach. ‘It’s not meant to be FUN. This is WAR. We’re doing this to HURT HUMANS. Just like they hurt us.’ He drew a claw across his throat. ‘That cat’s curtains.’

Thug gulped. ‘You gonna get the crows in, Jimmy?’ he whispered. ‘Only, can I leave before they kill him? I don’t like the sight of blood.’

‘We don’t need the crows,’ Jimmy snapped,
gouging
an eyeball from the sardine head and squishing it. ‘Atticus Grammaticus Cattypuss Claw may think he’s so smart snuggling in with Inspector Cheddar and his cheesy little kids.’ He snorted. ‘Well, they’re not going to help him. I’ll teach him to climb up here and steal
my
jewellery.’

‘We still gonna frame him, Boss?’ Slasher grinned. He liked it when the boss got nasty as long as it wasn’t with him. ‘Even though he’s not gonna take the tiara any more?’

‘We sure are.’ Jimmy squished the other eyeball. ‘Like a bloomin’ Picasso.’

‘We’re gonna frame him! We’re gonna frame him!’ Thug sang, jumping up and down, flapping his wings excitedly. ‘YIPPEE!’

‘He’s going to jay-el! He’s going to jay-el!’ Slasher chanted, doing a little dance. ‘HOORAY!’

Jimmy cackled. ‘I can’t wait to see the look on that cat’s face when he gets arrested! Then, when Inspector Cheddar thinks he’s got the thief safely behind bars,
we’ll
swoop on the antiques fair and steal the Tofflys’ tiara. And there’s nothing Atticus Grammaticus Cattypuss GOODY-GOODY Claw can do about it.’

‘Oh, Boss, you’re so clever!’ Thug said admiringly. ‘Can I have your claw-tograph?’

‘SHUT UP!’ Jimmy yelled. ‘Now get the plastic bag and fill it up with swag.’

Twenty minutes later Jimmy Magpie landed
elegantly
in the back garden of number 2 Blossom Crescent. Thug and Slasher tumbled head first after him and crash-landed in the rockery. The plastic bag was heavy. Their beaks ached from carrying it.

‘You wait here. I’ll check that the coast’s clear.’ Jimmy took off again and circled the house,
checking
in all the windows to see if anyone was there. He left the kitchen until last. His beady eyes glittered as he peered in from the window ledge.

‘Over here!’ Jimmy hissed. ‘The cat basket’s in the kitchen.’ He fluttered down from the window and hopped towards the back door.

Thug and Slasher heaved the bag along the patio.

‘Pick it up!’ Jimmy ordered. ‘We don’t want it to burst!’

‘There’s not much “we” about it,’ Thug
grumbled
. ‘You’re not doing anything!’

‘Don’t let him hear you say that!’ Slasher hissed
‘Or he’ll pull our feathers out and boil us!’

Thug picked up the bag smartly.

The two magpies struggled towards the cat flap.

‘I’ll hold it.’ Jimmy pushed it open with one
powerful
wing.

‘Heave!’ The birds swung the bag through the cat flap. It landed on the other side of the door with a loud CLINK.

Jimmy bowed at Thug and Slasher. ‘Ladies first,’ he said sarcastically.

‘Thanks, Boss,’ Thug said.

The magpies hopped in.

‘Nice gaff!’ Slasher said, gazing round the kitchen. ‘Wouldn’t mind living here myself.’ He flew over to the washing machine. ‘This would make a perfect nest if you put a few twigs in it.’ He jumped in. ‘Very cosy!’

‘Here, let me help!’ Thug closed the door. It gave a click. Slasher’s face peered out of the drum. He tapped frantically at the glass with his beak. There was a muffled squawk. ‘Help!’ he yelled. ‘I’m trapped! Let me out!’

Thug ignored him. ‘Chaka-chaka-chaka-chaka!’ He jumped into the laundry basket and bounced up and down on a pile of clean washing. ‘A knicker
trampoline!’ he cried in delight. ‘I’m in magpie heaven!’ He picked out one of Inspector Cheddar’s socks and pulled it over his head. ‘Help!’ he yelled, keeling over in fright. ‘Somebody turned the lights out!’

‘PACK IT IN!’ Jimmy pulled the sock off Thug’s head and pecked him.

‘Let me out!’ Slasher’s voice came from inside the washing machine.

‘YOU DODOS!’ Jimmy flew on to the counter above the washing machine and bent his head
forward
over the control buttons. It wasn’t at all obvious from upside down which one opened the door. Jimmy hesitated.

Thug landed beside Jimmy. ‘It’s this one, Boss,’ he said confidently. ‘Trust me, I’m a pro.’ He leaned over and tapped a button with his beak.

There was a sound of running water. ‘GLUGLUGLUGLUGLUGLUGLUG,’ Slasher gurgled. ‘WHOOAAOOAA …’ The drum started to rotate.

‘PUT THE JEWELS IN THE CAT BASKET,’ Jimmy roared. ‘Before I put YOU in the waste
disposal
!’

‘All right,’ Thug muttered. ‘Keep your feathers on.’ He fluttered to the floor and pushed Atticus’s
basket towards the plastic bag.

‘Stuff them under the mattress,’ Jimmy ordered, ‘so it looks like he’s been trying to hide them.’

Thug lifted the mattress with one foot and
emptied
the contents of the bag on to the base of the basket. Carefully he re-made Atticus’s bed so that only a few inches of a diamond necklace were
visible
.

‘Very nice, Thug,’ Jimmy said approvingly. ‘Very nice.’

Thug sighed. ‘Thanks, Jimmy.’ He eyed the
necklace
. The diamonds twinkled back at him. ‘It’s so lovely,’ he sniffed. ‘It seems such a waste to leave it here!’

‘I know,’ Jimmy said consolingly. ‘But you’ve got to think of the bigger picture, Thug. Think of Atticus Claw in the slammer. Think of Beaky all mangled and mushed. Think of the Tofflys’ tiara.’

‘All the same …’ Thug looked longingly at the diamonds.

‘CHAKA-CHAKA-CHAKA-CHAKA-CHAKA!’ Jimmy glanced at the washing machine. Slasher was still going round. ‘Here, Thug,’ he demanded. ‘What time do kids finish school?’

‘’Bout three, Boss, I reckon,’ Thug sniffed.

Jimmy looked at the kitchen clock. It was only one-thirty. ‘We’d better stay here and keep a lookout in case the cat rocks up before the fun starts,’ he said. ‘We don’t want him busting our plan.’ He stretched out the tip of his wing towards the necklace. ‘You know it does seem a pity,’ he said, stroking the stones thoughtfully, ‘to let the diamonds go for the sake of that cowardly cat. I wonder if there’s anything we could put there instead.’ Jimmy’s eyes glittered. ‘You don’t suppose Mrs Cheddar has anything shiny
upstairs
, do you?’ he said slowly.

Thug’s eyes gleamed. ‘Bound to!’ he said more cheerfully. ‘Stands to reason, Boss, given how she’s into antiques and all that.’

‘That’s what I was thinking,’ Jimmy nodded. He put his wing round Thug. ‘How about we go and take a look?’

Leaving a soggy Slasher to complete his cycle, they flew upstairs.

17

‘So, it’s a fight you want, do you?’ Inspector Cheddar was daydreaming. In the dream he was an expert at karate. He’d just caught the burglar, who was dressed in a Santa Claus suit with a sack marked BOOTY, sneaking down a chimney. HI-YA! KER-CHUNG! SMACK-POW! With a few clever kicks and chops the burglar was at his mercy. Inspector Cheddar whipped out the handcuffs. ‘You’re under arrest, mate,’ he whispered. Then he stared in disbelief. The burglar had grown wings. In a flash he’d turned into a black-and-white bird and flown back up the
chimney
and away, cackling loudly to himself. ‘Chaka-chaka-chaka-chaka …’

‘What are you babbling about now, Cheddar?’ The Chief Inspector of Bigsworth roared.

Inspector Cheddar woke with a start. He was in
the police station at Bigsworth puzzling over paperwork, not catching burglars at all! ‘Sorry, sir!’

‘You should be!’ The Chief Inspector shouted. ‘Your wife’s on the phone. You need to get over to the school. The headmaster wants to see you. NOW!’

Mrs Cheddar was waiting for him in the headmaster’s office. So were Callie and Michael.

‘Dad!’ Michael cried as soon as he saw him. ‘We know where the stolen jewellery is!’

‘It’s under the pier, Dad!’ Callie said excitedly. ‘In the magpies’ nest. We saw it!’

‘Huh-hum.’ The headmaster interrupted sternly.

Inspector Cheddar sat down opposite the
headmaster
. He looked at Callie and Michael, puzzled. Callie’s face was flushed. Michael had seaweed in his hair. Little piles of sand leaked out of their trainers on to the headmaster’s floor. Inspector Cheddar couldn’t understand it. They were clearly in trouble but they both looked as if it were Christmas.

‘I’m afraid your children ruined the entire school outing,’ the headmaster sighed. He was a kind man and he didn’t like telling people off, but spoiling the school trip was going too far, even for him. ‘It seems
they decided to go off by themselves to do a bit of detective work when they were supposed to be on the dodgems.’

‘But, Dad!’ Michael protested. ‘Mrs Tucker was right. The magpies
are
involved in the burglaries!

‘Huh-hum!’ The headmaster interrupted again. ‘Luckily, the alarm was raised before they got too far. Mrs Cooper, the Year 3 assistant, spotted them in Sea Shell Drive.’

‘We saw Atticus!’ Michael told him proudly. ‘We followed him to the pier.’

‘He was having a row with the magpies,’ Callie gabbled. ‘He’d taken off his handkerchief.’

‘Without the handkerchief he answers the
description
the Pearsons gave of the cat they saw at the window!’ Michael explained. ‘He’s been working with the magpies. He’s been taking the jewels.’

‘But don’t worry, Dad,’ Callie said quickly. ‘He’s not going to do it any more.’

‘Obviously this is quite a serious matter,’ the
headmaster
began again.

‘He’s changed his mind about being a burglar!’ Callie rattled on. ‘He’s started to give things back!’

‘We followed him to Sea Shell Drive,’ Michael said. ‘He returned the lady’s emerald necklace!’

Callie swung her legs to and fro. ‘We saw him, Dad!’

‘Normally I’d involve the police when a child goes missing …’ the headmaster said to Inspector Cheddar.

‘Can’t you see?!’ Michael shouted. ‘He’s trying to say he’s sorry!’

‘But as you
are
the police,’ the headmaster gave up. He had never known such rude children. ‘I think on this occasion I’ll just let you handle it.’

As soon as they got into the car, Michael and Callie started talking at once.

Inspector Cheddar held up his hand for silence. ‘I don’t want to hear another word about it!’ he said in a dreadful voice. He turned the key in the ignition.

‘But, Dad …’

‘I said, ZIP IT!’ he shouted. This was an
expression
Inspector Cheddar usually reserved for people who complained about parking tickets. Now he was using it on his own kids!

Callie started to cry.

Michael bit his lip. ‘We were just trying to help,’ he said quietly.

Mrs Cheddar glared at her husband. She put an arm round Callie.

Michael held her other hand.

‘They might be telling the truth, you know!’ she hissed. ‘Have you thought about that? Maybe they’re right. Maybe Atticus was the burglar, but now he’s changed his mind. Maybe he
was
trying to say sorry. Maybe the magpies
are
involved. They tried to steal your badge, didn’t they?’

Inspector Cheddar gripped the wheel.
Magpies! Nests full of stolen jewellery!
He’d never heard
anything
so ridiculous in his life. Everyone had gone mad since Atticus Grammaticus Cattypuss Claw
arrived
. He needed a cup of tea!

A few minutes later they pulled up outside number 2 Blossom Crescent. Mrs Cheddar let them out in
silence
and drove off back to Toffly Hall for the final preparations for the fair. Inspector Cheddar marched up the path and let himself in. He threw open the kitchen door and went to fill the kettle.

‘WHOAOAOAO!’ He tripped over the cat basket and banged his head on a cupboard. Inspector Cheddar swore. Atticus
again
! What was the cat basket doing there anyway? It was normally tucked away beside the fridge. He nudged it with his foot.

CLINK! Something clattered on to the tiled floor from beneath the spongy mattress. Inspector Cheddar stared. His wife’s best brooch! What was that doing in the kitchen? She normally kept it
upstairs
in a jewellery case in their bedroom.

Inspector Cheddar bent down to pick it up. He
examined
the mattress. It was all lumpy and bumpy. Something else was hidden underneath. He picked it up gingerly. A tangled heap of jewellery tumbled out. His mouth fell open.

‘Atticus!’ he whispered. His face went green. ‘So the children were right. It
was
you all along!’

Michael and Callie stood in the doorway aghast.

‘No!’ Callie cried. ‘It’s not Atticus’s fault! We told you! He was stealing for the magpies! But he doesn’t want to any more. He’s taking things back!’

‘He’s changed his mind, Dad,’ Michael yelled. ‘I promise you, he didn’t steal Mum’s brooch!’

Just then Atticus’s head appeared through the cat flap, followed by one paw, then another. He looked down. Something was wrong. There were feathers on the floor.

‘Run, Atticus!’ Michael shouted. ‘Run!’

Atticus stared at the cat basket. The jewels blinked back at him.
The magpies!
They had framed him!

‘Quick, Atticus, run!’ Callie yelled frantically. ‘Dad thinks it was you!’

Inspector Cheddar loomed towards him, hands outstretched.

Atticus gulped. Inspector Cheddar’s face had gone from green to red, like a traffic light. ‘Gotcha!’ he hissed. ‘You … you … CAT CRIMINAL!’

Terrified, Atticus tried to wriggle his way
backwards
out of the cat flap. But backing out of a cat flap is like reversing a car. It’s much harder than going forwards. And he wasn’t as skinny as he used to be. Mrs Tucker was right. He’d been eating too many sardines. He pulled in his tummy and
wriggled
again. It was no use! He was stuck!

Inspector Cheddar lunged at Atticus and grabbed him firmly under his armpits. He dragged Atticus into the kitchen, picked him up roughly and held him tightly under one arm.

The children watched in horror.

‘AFTER ALL WE’VE DONE FOR YOU, YOU MISERABLE MOGGY!’ Inspector Cheddar shouted. ‘THAT IS WHAT YOU DO TO REPAY US!’ He whipped a set of handcuffs out of his pocket with his free hand. He clicked one end round Atticus’s neck and the other round his wrist. SNAP! ‘You’re under
arrest, Atticus Claw,’ Inspector Cheddar said.

Atticus’s ears drooped.

‘CHAKA-CHAKA-CHAKA-CHAKA!’ From some where outside came a harsh chattering cry.

‘The magpies.’ Callie started to tremble. She clung on to her brother.

‘They’re laughing at Atticus.’ Michael shivered.