Attack of the Mutant Underwear (7 page)

Mom put her hand to her mouth. “Absolutely beautiful!”

“Our best tree
ever,”
Dad said, just like he says every year.

I was about to agree with Dad—that's what I do every year—when I noticed Emma crouched on the back of the armchair with a weird look in her eye. “Emma, no!” I yelled.

But it was too late. She'd already attacked. Attacked the Christmas tree. Which went crashing over onto the floor.

Dad cussed. Mom cried. MC said, “Why do we have a cat, anyway?” So now I have
another
ace-brilliant-type-Question-Man survey topic: cats. My questions:

—Why do people have cats, anyway?

—What's the most irritating thing your cat has ever done? (Besides knocking over your Christmas tree. That's already taken.)

Monday, December 18

Tried an experiment today. I was wondering if chocolate can increase brainpower. So I bought a chocolate bar from myself. Then I ate it, and just like that, I knew what to get Amy for Christmas. I could buy her the rest of the chocolate bars (four, I think). That would be a really cool gift.

So there you have it! My conclusion: People think better after eating chocolate. Am I a genius, or what?

And I did it without a shower.

Later, Monday, December 18

What was I thinking? A Christmas present? Amy is Jewish!

Tuesday, December 19

Today at recess a kid in third grade kissed a girl on the playground because someone bet him a dollar he wouldn't. Our beloved principal, Mrs. Mead, found out and made him give the money back. Then she got on the intercom and said, “There is to be
no
kissing for money.”

Zach faked like he was really disappointed. “Aw, gee!” he said. “Just when I was feeling all lovey!” He puckered up and acted like he was blowing kisses everywhere. When Libby said, “Gag!” Emerson laughed. For a second I thought Zach was going to punch them both. I mean
really
punch them.

Obviously, kissing is an emotional issue.

New ace-brilliant-type-Question-Man survey topic: kissing.

Questions:

—Who would you most like to kiss?

On second thought, this is not a good survey topic. I'd better come up with something else. Still time enough for one more before they're due on Friday. Boy, is Ms. B gonna be surprised at all the ace-brilliant-type-Question-Man work I've done! Next stop, A
⁺
city!

Wednesday, December 20

Today in class I saw Amy's survey. She just did one, but it was really long with tons of questions, and it was graphed really cool with different colors. Printed across the top was her title: “Women in the New Millennium.”

Which, when I thought about it, was just the kind of serious, thoughtful topic Ms. B probably wanted. So I started worrying. What if my surveys are too short? Or silly? Or weird? Or there are just too many of them? What if Ms. B thinks they're stupid? WHAT IF SHE GIVES ME ANOTHER OLD ME C?

So when I got home, I threw away all my surveys. And I spent two whole hours writing down lots of questions about “Men in the Twenty-first Century.” Now all I have to do is get some quick answers (I'll go ask Dad) and—BINGO—an A
⁺
!

Amy gets to take Ralphster home for the holidays. She's really excited. I've never seen a hamster smile, but I'll betcha Ralphster is happy, too. Knowing Amy, he'll be treated like a king!

Thursday, December 21

Today is the shortest day of the year. So I'll keep this short.

Later,
Thursday, December 21

Well, not as short as I thought. A quick report: As a class we sold 293 chocolate bars and earned $439.50 toward our Incredible-Fantastic-End-of-the-Year Camp-out. Cool.

Eight kids sold more than I did. Good thing I found my real calling, ace-brilliant-type-Question-Man, in the meantime.

Even later,
Thursday, December 21

Okay, okay, so I'm a blabbermouth on paper. But for the record, I just had to write down that Mom and Dad finally asked me what I want for Christmas. They were expecting the usual mile-long list, like greedy Old Me used to give them. But this year, I just said, “Not much. Surprise me.”

After she got her jaw up off the floor, Mom said, “You're a good kid, Cody.”

Dad nodded. “That he is!”

Wouldn't you write that down, too?

Friday, December 22

Amy was sick today, the last day of school before vacation. I volunteered to take Ralphster to her, since she won the lottery. Ms. B said, “That's very sweet of you, Cody.”

Then Ms. B told us to be sure to put our surveys in the homework box. I looked in my notebook and mine was gone. I was sure I'd put it in there, but somehow, somewhere, I'd lost it!

I didn't want to tell Ms. B. This was just the kind of thing I used to do in fourth grade, and third, and … I didn't want her to think I'm still like the Old Me. But then I turned right around and did a dumb Old Me thing—nothing. I didn't hand in anything at all. So now I'll get a big fat zero. Journal title idea:
How Did Cody Get So Stupid?

Oh well, at least there's no school for two whole weeks. And I've got Ralphster. He's eating a carrot I gave him. Hi, Ralphster! Be sure to tell Amy I fed you well!

Uh-oh, I'm talking to a rodent.

Saturday, December 23

Woke up early this morning to find Emma in my room staring at Ralphster's cage. Her lip was twitching and she had that look in her eye. She was thinking, FOOD!

I threw a sock at her and yelled, “Scat, cat!” She took off. I couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up and made chunky chocolate chip cookies for Amy. I figured it was a good time to return the favor for the ones she brought to me after the election speech disaster. And take Ralphster to her, too—a sort of get well and Hanukkah present all in one!

You'd have thought I brought her the moon. “Thank you, Cody!” she said. She jumped off their family-room couch, where she'd been wrapped in a blanket, watching cartoons. She looked pale and tired, but she was grinning. “You're so sweet!” (That's two times in two days someone has said that to me, so it must be true.)

Then—get this—she gave me a big hug. That's right, a full-blown-arms-all-the-way-around-me hug.

I guess I looked pretty shocked, because I was. Amy stepped back, embarrassed. “Sorry,” she said. “I shouldn't have done that. You might get the flu, too.”

But you know what? I don't care if I get the flu. I've been hugged lots of times, but I've never gotten a hug that felt like the one Amy gave me. It was nice.
Really
nice. I liked it.
Really
liked it. Just like I
really
like her.

Wait a minute! Did I write that?

Yep, I did.

Which means it must be true.

Whoa! I'd thought there'd be warning signs or something. Instead, one minute I'm going along acting like a regular guy, and then—ZAP!—all of a sudden I really like a girl.

My head is spinning. I'd better go lie down.

Monday, December 25
Christmas Day

I asked Mom and Dad to surprise me with a gift, and they did. They gave me a cool denim jacket. Which I didn't even know I wanted until I unwrapped it.

I wonder what else I don't know I want.

Not underwear, that's for sure, especially Christmas ones with Santas and reindeer all over them. MC acted hurt when I stuffed the ones she gave me under the couch. What did she expect?

Ate too much Christmas ham, but still had room for dessert. Later MC and I watched a science fiction movie about invaders from outer space. MC fell asleep on my shoulder and drooled on my new jacket. Dad said, “Don't worry, it's slobber-resistant.”

Thought about calling Amy. But then I found myself thinking, What if she's busy? Or doesn't want to hear my voice? So I hung up.

I had no idea liking a girl was going to be this complicated!

Tuesday, December 26

Finally, I finished my kitty litter box jail term! Today MC had the dirty deed of cleaning up after Emma. I sat and watched her with a big grin on my face.

She only has to do it for one week, though, then it's my turn again. Which doesn't seem fair, seeing as how I just got done doing it
forever.
Still, it sure was fun watching her scoop out those smelly clumps.

Wednesday, December 27

Amy called! She said she's feeling a lot better, but her mom is still making her take it easy. Ralphster is doing fine. Turns out he likes accordion music. When Amy puts on a CD of it, he gets on his exercise wheel and “goes like crazy, like he's dancing the polka!”

I didn't say it (from
Cody's Guide to Girls:
“Don't insult her taste in music”) but if Ralphster is like me, he was probably trying to get away from the accordion music, not dance to it.

Thursday, December 28

On the way home from the grocery store, we drove past the park. Tyler and Zach and that bunch of sixth graders—Whit, Nate, Deshawn, and Theo—were shooting hoops. I would have played, too, if they'd have asked me. But it was starting to rain anyway—
again
—so I guess it didn't matter.

Rain, rain, go away, come again some other—No, scratch that. More like: Rain, rain, don't give me no slack. Hit the road and don't come back!

Hey, not bad. Could it be? Ace-brilliant-type-author guy is back?

Friday, December 29

Stumbling into the bathroom this morning, I tripped and almost ended up in the toilet. MC, who happened to be walking by, stopped and looked at me sprawled on the floor. She said, “When a person is in love, they forget how to walk and fall down and can't get up for an hour.” Then she busted out laughing. “Cody's in love! Cody's in love! Cody's in love with Amy!”

I shook my fist at her and yelled, “Beat it, bozo brain!”

But I did have trouble getting up.

Saturday, December 30

Went out for dinner tonight. Mexican. Yummy. Except when MC said, “Cody and Amy are going to do the holy matchimony thing.”

Dad almost choked. Mom blinked a bunch, then finally said, “Well, no need to rush into anything.”

Good point. I think love is fine, but you shouldn't talk about it while someone is eating a taco.

Sunday, December 31
New Year's Eve

All day MC has been running around, saying “Happy New You!” instead of “Happy New Year!” Maybe she's on to something, though. People make New Year's resolutions because they want to change something about who they are. They really are becoming a New You. Just like I've been working on the New Me. Guess I just started my New Year's resolution a little early, that's all. I'm ahead of my time.

Mom and Dad said I could stay up until midnight and watch the big ball drop at Times Square in New York City on TV. Only thing is that New York City is three hours ahead of us, so when we see it at midnight here, it's already a rerun. Who wants to start the New Year by watching a rerun?

Besides, Mom and Dad will kiss, and I don't want to see any more of that than I have to. Everybody will be kissing at Times Square, too. Kissing, kissing, kissing. Kissing, kissing, kissing.

Almost called Amy to kiss—uh,
wish
her Happy New Year. But I didn't.

Monday, January 1
New Year's Day

Watched the Rose Bowl on TV with Mom and Dad and MC. Ate lots of chips and made lots of noise. It was fun, except that MC kept interrupting and saying stuff like, “I'm the fastest blinker in the family. I can floss my teeth and blink at the same time! Wanna see?” She got all huffy when I finally told her to shut up.

“Patience is a virtue,” she snipped at me. Mom and Dad looked at her like they were thinking, Wow, what a smart kid we've got, using big words like that! But then MC said, “What is a virtue, anyway?”

This is going to sound weird, but I can't wait for school to start again.

Tuesday, January 2

Nobody said it out loud, but I could tell I wasn't the only one in my class glad to be back. Everybody was talking a mile a minute. Amy had lots of Ralphster stories.

Ms. B didn't waste any time chatting, though. If she had a theme song for today, it was “Glad-to-see-you-now-get-to-work!” Math, reading, social studies, science—we hit them
all
before lunch.

Friday, January 5

Zach has started calling girls “female life-forms.” Amy just laughs, but Libby boils. She called Zach a “meathead life-form.”

I'm getting
really
tired of doing Emma's kitty litter box. Sticking that super-dooper-pooper-scooper in there is like going back to jail. There has GOT to be a way out of this.

Think outside the box. Think outside the box. Think outside the box.

Saturday, January 6

Still
thinking outside the box.
Still
thinking outside the—

Hey, wait a minute! That's it: outside the box! As in outside the box we call our house! Emma can become an outdoor cat and do her business in the bushes or Mom's flower beds, like all the other cats in our neighborhood!

Duh. Why didn't I think of this before?

Later, Saturday, January 6

I'll tell you why I didn't think of it before. Because according to Mom, “Emma would kill birds that come to the feeder. Cats kill millions of birds a year.”

I said, “Emma wouldn't do that. She's nice.”

Mom said, “All cats do that. They're not mean; they're predators.”

I said, “Well, can't we put a bell on her so the birds can hear her?”

Mom said, “Emma is smart. She learned to turn on the water in the bathroom, remember? She'd learn to stalk without jingling the bell.”

I said, “Then we give her more cat food so she won't be hungry.”

Mom said, “The urge to hunt and the urge to eat are controlled by different parts of a cat's brain.”

I said, “How do you know all of this stuff?”

Mom said, “Because I'm a librarian, and we know everything.” Then she went on to tell me the other reasons to keep Emma inside: “She could be run over by a car. Dogs might attack her, or other cats. She could get fleas, ticks, mites, or worms, not to mention rabies, distemper, leukemia, and lots of other fatal diseases.”