Attack of the Fairytale Zombies! (5 page)

Drag shook his head before reaching out a massive paw and crushing the advancing dwarf. “It looks like they’re ripping her hair off.” He ground the dwarf into the rocky soil with the pad of his big toe while his focus was on the motley gang.

“O-mi-god!” They all screeched as the dwarves smashed a gaping hole in the woman’s head and then started gnawing on the liquid that oozed through the gash.

Barth hesitantly spoke up. “I suppose we should do something.”

Although Barth wasn’t quite sure what exactly he should do. He’d only come to the lake expecting to find a bunch of fairytale creatures with shrunken balls. He certainly wasn’t prepared for this. He thought about his initial plan of fleeing Fairytale Kingdom, and realized it was sounding like a much better idea. If he didn’t have it in him to be able slay dragons, how in hell was he supposed to battle flesh-eating zombies?

“Hey, leave her alone.” Heather rushed toward the little men while wildly waving her arms.

The dwarves looked up, their glowing eyes focused on Heather as bloody juices dripped from their mouths. “Brains.”

“Holy shit!” Heather raced back and scrambled up Drag’s back. “Get us out of here,” she cried.

Barth didn’t think twice about following Heather. Despite the trembling in his limbs, he hurried up the rope ladder and joined Heather in the saddle.

“Go, Drag!” he shouted, as the little zombies started their advance toward them. “Get us the hell away from Fairytale Kingdom.”

After Drag leapt into the air, a tiny bit of bile projected into the back of Barth’s throat as he looked down at the grotesque scene unfolding at the lake. More fairytale creatures emerged from the water. Their eerie moans for brains were only drowned out by the shrill screaming of their victims on shore.

Heather leaned on Barth and quietly wept against his chest. Barth’s heart softened as he wrapped her in a protective embrace. He knew she must be feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for not being able to save the kingdom in time.

“Holy hell,” Barth hissed as Heather’s words came back to haunt him. If Swans Lake was the kingdom’s major water source, it wouldn’t be long before the entire town was infected by Douchebagga’s zombie potion.

And then what? Even though most everyone in Fairytale Kingdom treated Barth with contempt and disdain, and even though he’d already been planning on ditching the town, could he really leave all these innocent people to die either a horrible, brutal death or else turn into flesh-eating ghouls?

Of course he could. What had they ever done for him? And most importantly, he didn’t want to become infected by the zombie curse. After all, though Barth knew not to drink the water, he knew if he stayed he would eventually slip up and brush his teeth with the water or accidentally swallow some when he was in the shower.

A shudder stole up his spine as he was struck by a flashback of him and Drag in Mexico. They’d stayed away from the water, drinking only tequila just to be on the safe side, but somehow they must have accidentally ingested some Mexican water because they both suffered from the shits for a week afterward.

If it hadn’t been for Wizard Dilligaf’s anti-diarrhea potion, Barth and Drag would probably have been sick much longer.

“Wizard Dilligaf,” Barth breathed. What would happen to his old family friend if Barth left the wizard alone to battle this curse? Guilt seized Barth’s chest like a vice. Maybe he could leave the people of Fairytale Kingdom to suffer a horrific and violent end, but he couldn’t leave the wizard.

Besides, if he was somehow able to beat the odds and miraculously save the kingdom from Douchebagga’s zombie curse, maybe Heather would reward his heroic efforts with ‘thank you’ sex.

“Drag!” he yelled into his friend’s ear. “Turn back toward Fairytale Kingdom and fly to the wizard’s tower.”

“Are you crazy?” Drag gasped.

“Probably,” Barth answered. “But we might just be humanity’s last hope against an attack of fairytale zombies.”

“Wizard, I’ve got terrible news.”

After jumping off Drag’s back, Barth stumbled through the wizard’s tower window and knocked over several vials of potion in the process.

Heather entered but stood in a corner, obscured by shadow while Drag stuck his massive snout in through the window but remained perfectly quiet. They both waited patiently for Barth and the wizard to exchange dialog.

The wizard groaned while shaking his head. “A zombie virus has infected almost all of the subjects of Fairytale Kingdom.” With the flick of his wand, the potions were cleaned up and back on their shelves.

“Oh, yeah,” Barth shrugged while leaning over an amber vial of potion that looked exactly like a rich European Lager. “I forgot you had the pussy.” He picked up the potion and sniffed the heavenly aroma.

“Actually.” The wizard snatched the potion out of Barth’s hands and put it back on the shelf. “I’m installing updates to the pussy, er eye, and it’s not working at the moment, but I’ve got Fairybook on my Eye-phone. I’ve been checking my friends’ status updates and almost all of them are zombies. My news feed is nothing but ‘Brainsss!’ posts.”

“What do we do?” Barth cried.

“I’ve come up with the anti-potion.” The wizard held up a bubbling vial. “I’ve already tried it on a few zombies.”

Barth scratched his scalp. “That was fast.”

The wizard puffed his chest and broke into a huge, goofy grin. “I used one of the failed ball growing potions I’d made for the king.”

Heather stepped out of the shadows, taking her cue to engage in the dialog. “Are there any side effects?”

“Actually.” the wizard held up a finger. “There’s one.”

Just then, a beautiful buxom blonde walked in through a side door. Her sensuous, clouded gaze was focused solely on the wizard, making her look as if she was grateful that he’d been hitting the sexual libido potion and he’d just given her the best multiple orgasms of her life. She was draped in nothing but a skimpy towel. Her wet hair was piled on top of her head.

“Wiz, do you have some moisturizer I can borrow?” she cooed while trailing a finger up the wizard’s chest.

The wizard loudly cleared his throat and motioned to the gaping Barth and Heather and the drooling dragon.

“Hey, everyone,” she giggled.

“Cindy Rella?” Barth’s gaze traveled the length of her body, stopping at the huge pair of tits that stretched against the skimpy towel. “Wow!”

As if it was possible, she protruded her chest even further. “Like ‘em? The wizard grew them for me, didn’t you, sugar?” She leaned over and kissed the wizard on the cheek, giggling while he turned ten shades of red. “What do you think?” she asked the trio.

“They look fantastic,” Barth blurted with a little too much enthusiasm as Heather elbowed him in the ribs.

Cindy Rella batted long lashes while toying with the edge of her towel. “You don’t think they look too big?”

“Uh, no. Never.” Barth shook his head. This time Heather elbowed him harder. He stooped over, struggling for breath. “Well, maybe,” he squeaked.

“I think what’s most important is if they feel natural,” Drag said through the window. “Come over here and let me feel them with my tongue.”

Cindy cocked a hand on her hip. “You wanna touch, you gotta pay. Fifty for lap dances, five hundred for the night. I’m tired of scrubbing floors. Me and the girls are going to be dancing at The Gentleman’s Club from now on.” She turned on her heel and sashayed toward the stairwell. “Thanks for letting me shower at your place, Wizard, since I know the water everywhere else is probably poisoned with zombie juice.”

The wizard’s gaze was lost on Cindy as he watched her sashay down the stairwell. Finally, he blinked hard while shuffling his feet, though it did little to conceal the bulge beneath his robe.

He turned his focus back to Barth. “The king has all of the castle water imported from France. Did you know water sprites piss in Swans Lake?”

“Yeah, I heard,” Barth said dryly.

“Anyway, like I said, there’s one side-effect—balls and boobs seem to double in size, but it’s a lot better than being a zombie.”

“So how are you going to get all the zombies in here to drink it?” Heather asked, her voice laced with irritation.

“I don’t know how I can force zombies to drink it. I had to force the potion down Cindy Rella. Luckily, her step-mother had locked her in a tower until I arrived.”

“What you need is a way to trick them into drinking the potion,” Barth suggested.

The wizard scratched his beard. “Excellent idea, but how?”

“Duh.” Drag rolled his eyes. “Mix the potion with some fake brains.”

The wizard threw up his hands. “Where am I going to get brains?”

“Zombies are stupid,” Drag said. “Just put out some spaghetti noodles. They won’t know the difference.”

“Excellent idea.” The wizard pointed at Drag. “You know, you’re pretty smart for a dragon.”

Drag arched a penciled brow. “And you’re pretty old and wrinkly for a wizard.”

“Thanks.” The wizard beamed. He walked over to his giant eye monitor and flicked on a switch. “Updates are finished.” He pointed to several small surveillance orbs which were lit up on the screen. He clicked the mouse on a live video of chefs cooking in the royal kitchen. “Hey, chefs!” The wizard barked at the monitor.

Many startled kitchen workers screamed and jumped, dropping plates of food in the process. The sound of breaking glass resonated through the speaker above the giant eye monitor.

The wizard seemed oblivious to their scowls. “Tomorrow morning I need to make enough spaghetti to feed at least five thousand people.”

The wizard turned off his monitor and faced Barth.

“I need you back here tomorrow to distribute the spaghetti.”

“Why tomorrow?” Barth asked.

“I only have the one batch. I’ll need to make some more potion tonight.”

Barth threw up his hands. “What do we do until then?”

“Try not to get killed by a zombie.” The wizard turned his back to them and strapped on a lab coat and goggles. When he turned back, his white hair was standing on end. With his large pale eyes, peering out through those goggles, he looked more mad scientist than wizard. “Oh, and don’t drink the water.” He pointed an accusatory finger at Drag and Barth. “Remember Mexico? Well, this is worse.”

Heather turned to Barth. “What happened in Mexico?”

Barth scowled. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

* * *

After pilfering some stale bread and cheese and several bottles of French water from the royal kitchen, Barth and Heather climbed aboard Drag and flew a few circles around the kingdom. Things were looking bad, really bad. Every subject of Fairytale Kingdom was either a zombie or being eaten by a zombie. Barth wondered if there’d be anyone left to save by morning.

It was after dark by the time the trio had made it to Drag’s lair. The instant they landed on the precipice of the cave, Drag’s nostrils flared. He inhaled deeply before breathing out a plume of smoke.

“I smell sausage,” he groaned.

Barth slid off Drag’s back and unsheathed his sword. “We’re not alone,” he hissed.

Drag tapped Barth’s shoulder with one claw. “Don’t kill them!” he pleaded. “Whoever they are, they can’t be all that bad if they know how to make sausage.”

Barth scowled before cautiously making his way toward the back of the cave. Drag and Heather trailed behind him.

As Barth turned a corner, he saw a hulking shadow on the opposite wall, illuminated by the fire. Whoever it was had a long fanged snout and claws the size of daggers.

With trembling limbs, Barth raised his sword.

Suddenly, Heather shoved him aside and raced ahead. Barth fell against a nearby wall before pulling himself up and chasing after Heather. Was she insane? Was she trying to get herself killed?

“Big Bad Wolf!” Heather cried before flinging herself into the wolf’s arms. She pulled back, scowling at the cuts on his face and arms. “What happened to you?”

“Some heavy shit went down today.” Wolf’s lower jaw trembled. “I went to warn the pigs not to drink the water. They smashed right through the brick wall and came at me.”

Heather gasped as her hands flew to her mouth. “What did you do?”

“The only thing I could do.” The wolf shrugged before leaning over and turning the spit. Three little headless bodies roasted above the fire. “I bit their heads off.”