Attachment Strings (12 page)

Alex laughed harshly. “I’ve seen enough TV to know that you probably won’t find out who wrote the letter. You could do us a favor and go home now. Neither of us feels comfortable with the other one around and Sean’s harasser won’t act before the twelfth.”

“This isn’t up for discussion. I’ll stay. Deal with it.”

“You can’t—”

I barked, “Alex, stop it! Think of your brother. You don’t know how this weirdo will act. He could very well ignore his own ultimatum.”

“I’m always thinking of Sean.
Always
.” His voice had a bitter edge to it.

So he wasn’t always a happy camper when it came to being a single parent to a disabled child. Nice to see he was only human too.

I caught him by his shoulders when he squeezed past me. We locked eyes. I should have said something meaningful, but I couldn’t think of anything. Alex held my gaze, waiting for me to speak up. When I stayed silent, he shrugged my hands off and mumbled, “I’d better brush my teeth.”

“You do that.”

I let him go and trailed after him. He made a quick detour to the living room, where he told Sean I was going to stay with them for the night. The boy answered him in his usual way of communication. I was astonished how Alex could interpret what he was saying. To me it sounded like… nothing I’d encountered before. During their little chitchat, Alex glanced at me. His voice became more and more hushed until he cut Sean off with a firm, “That’s enough.”

The boy’s eyes filled with tears immediately but to my surprise Alex didn’t waver. He quickly excused himself and I had no other choice than to sit down on the sofa. I chose the corner of the sofa furthest away from the almost crying Sean. He chirped, a sad type of chirp, then hefted his eyes back on the screen in front of him. I let out a breath and rolled my shoulders to ease some of the tension. Children always made me feel inadequate. Sean even more so because he was different in many ways. The prospect of having some kind of conversation upset me the most. Gratefulness filled me when he didn’t pursue talking to me.

When Alex came back, I interpreted Sean’s high-pitched shrieks as protest. I wondered what his protest was directed at. Questioningly, I raised an eyebrow at Alex, who sighed and wearily raked his fingers through his hair. “It’s Sean’s bedtime. As you can hear he’s not too fond of it.”

Sean’s shrieks rose in intensity, causing me to grit my teeth. “It’s unmistakable.”

Alex’s eyes blazed up in anger. I stared at him, baffled. What had I said this time? I seemed to have a knack for saying the wrong thing. Not a really new revelation, yet it irked me to upset Alex. Especially when I didn’t have a clue about what I had said
exactly
to rile him up. I foresaw a highly terse and uncomfortable evening and night.

Alex clicked off the TV, which earned him a furious-sounding cry. Sean certainly had a big repertoire of various sounds and noises to demonstrate his feelings. I watched Alex wrestle Sean into his arms and carry him out of the living room. He looked exhausted and sounded grim when he admonished his little brother. “Knock it off, Sean. It’s late, we have to get you into your jammies and do some of your exercises.
You know that
. It’s the same routine
every
night.”

Sean’s answering chirp was more subdued. “Come on, baby. We both had a long and exhausting day, we’re both tired. Don’t make a fuss,
please
.”

The bathroom door clicked shut. I listened to them talking and chirping, sometimes interrupted by sounds of water running. They emerged from the bathroom about fifteen minutes later. Sean saw me standing at the living-room window and whistled. Alex turned to me with an unreadable expression on his face. “He wishes you a good night.”

“Oh, um, thanks. Same to you.”

I followed them into the small hallway because I needed to use the facilities. Sean’s head rested on Alex’s shoulders and he smiled at me before they vanished into his room. I shook my head. What a strange family. Did this even count as a family? There were only two of them. A small voice inside my head sweetly asked me if it wouldn’t be nice to belong to this family.

I almost banged into the bathroom door.

W
ITH
great effort, I closed the door instead of slamming it. I loathed this small voice of mine, which always came up with the most unsuitable ideas. Just because we’d had sex—very good sex, twice, the small voice added—didn’t mean…. Well, didn’t mean what? That I wanted a serious relationship? That Alex pushed buttons inside me I didn’t know existed?

After taking a leak, I washed my hands at the basin and swept the room with my gaze. The bathroom offered enough space for Alex to maneuver Sean around. A bathtub lifter had been installed but otherwise I couldn’t detect any signs of someone disabled using this room frequently. I frowned at my reflection in the mirror. What had I expected to see?

I didn’t like myself very much at that moment. For someone who prided himself on being unbiased, I was definitely prejudiced when faced with those disabled children. Obviously being gay didn’t translate into open-mindedness with regard to everything else. I wondered how Alex dealt with the sum of it, being gay and caring for a disabled child on his own. A lot of prejudices and resentments to cope with on an everyday basis.

After sloshing some water on my face, I straightened up and dried it with the towel smelling of something sweet, maybe peach, which had me recoiling instantly. It had to be the boy’s towel; no way would Alex use something like that on himself. My suspicion proved to be right when I discovered an orange bottle with a laughing little mouse on it, clearly a kid’s soap. Embarrassed, I hung the towel back in its place. I had acted as if I could catch Sean’s… disability by using his towel.

Embarrassment quickly changed to anger. How could I be
that
stupid and presumptuous?

I pulled the bathroom door open, stomped back into the living room, and flopped down on the sofa. I sat there, scowling and beating myself up for some time. I was still scowling when Alex came back. He eyed me for a few seconds, deduced whatever, and picked up the pillows from the floor. He pressed his lips into a tight line, which underscored the tiredness in his face.

I grabbed his wrist when he was close enough and yanked. He fell on top of me with a surprised yelp.

“What are you doing?”

“You look as if you could use a hug,” I declared. I was in need of one too.

“Not from you.”

Alex planted his hands against my chest and pushed himself away. He didn’t go very far because I had my arms locked around his waist. I had no intention of letting go.

“Too bad for you that I’m the only one available.”

In a clipped voice that barely contained his fury, he replied, “Let go.”

I wondered if he really wanted me to let him go, to leave him alone. My instincts told me a different story and I was inclined to trust them. I shook my head. Alex’s eyes widened, anger turning into panic as I relentlessly pulled him closer.

I felt like a fish out of water because usually my comforting someone consisted of a pat on the shoulder or the back. Still, I allowed my instincts to guide me. Alex stayed tense in my arms, though he stopped fighting me. His breath came in irregular puffs, tickling my throat. I rubbed a hand over his back, trying to ease some of the tension out of him.

I felt him take in a shuddering breath before he hesitantly put his full weight on my thighs. Once there, he tucked up his legs, encircled my waist with a strong grip, and pressed his face against my chest. Baffled, I blinked. My hands kept on stroking his back on their own volition while I processed what just happened.

There is a man sitting on my lap.
How weird was that? Of course I had seen other men sitting like this, but so far it had only ever elicited a sneer from me. It had been just too… too… simply too much.

Yet, here I was with Alex’s curled-up body on my lap. I felt odd; very much so. Oddly
good
. It felt right. Dropping light kisses on Alex’s blond curls felt even more right. Obviously, Alex shared at least some of my feelings, because he relaxed and his breathing evened out.

A few minutes later a shrill chirp caused both of us to jump. I had already shoved Alex down from my lap and stood, gun in hand, surveying our surroundings.

“Geez! Jeff, calm down! It’s just Sean calling me.”

“Sean? But I thought he was asleep?”

“Sometimes he can’t fall asleep immediately. He’s probably listening to what we’re doing and got worried when he heard nothing,” Alex explained before he hurried out of the room.

Another loud chirp broke the silence. From the hallway, I heard Alex call out to his brother. “It’s okay, baby, I’m coming.”

I holstered my gun. Too agitated to sit down again, I peeked out of the window. A few cars drove along the street and someone walked a dog. Nothing extraordinary to see; yet uneasiness enveloped me. After switching off the light in the living room, I walked back to my surveillance post.

I listened to Alex singing several lullabies to Sean while I gazed out of the window. He had a nice voice, but it felt like I was intruding on something very personal. A sense of unease caused me to shift my weight from foot to foot. I ignored the niggling feeling in my stomach and concentrated on the shadows on the other side of the street. Someone stood there, observing.

Alex’s singing subsided. It took him another ten minutes to come back to the living room. Quietly but very firmly I told him, “Leave the light out.”

“Why?”

“There’s someone watching your apartment.”

“What?” Alex’s voice quavered. Silently, he made his way over to me and whispered, “Where?”

I pointed at the entrance of the building complex opposite Alex’s. “Wait until your eyes have adjusted. He’s hard to discern.”

“He? How do you know it’s a he?”

“I don’t know for sure. Whoever it is, is big.”

“Women can be big too, you know?” Alex stood close to me, his shoulder brushing mine. I felt his gaze on me. “You seriously believe there’s someone out to harm Sean?”

I kept my gaze riveted on the shadow as I replied, “I’m not taking the threat lightly. Is Sean asleep now?”

“Yes. Sometimes he can’t fall asleep because he’s in too much pain, and after a grand mal seizure he’s usually afraid to fall asleep for a few nights. I’m still stunned he fell asleep in his own bed.”

“A seizure? When did he have a seizure?” I asked, genuinely perplexed.

Alex slipped a hand into mine and squeezed. I squeezed back. I knew about the strength in those long, slender fingers, but right now they felt delicate and very cold. I stroked my thumb along the knuckle of his thumb, which wasn’t something I had ever done before with another guy.

“Yesterday evening. That’s why I had to go. Mrs. Pearl—that’s our next-door neighbor who sometimes babysits for me—called. She’s a trained nurse and all, but Sean cried and asked her to call me to come home.”

“I feel like an ass,” I told Alex.

He chuckled. “Serves you right.”

“Aren’t you supposed to tell me something to make me feel better?”

“No, I think you deserve feeling like shit for not giving me a chance to explain what went on.” Alex underlined his harshly spoken words by slipping his hand free. Irritated, he said, “Could you at least look at me?”

Blindly, I grabbed for his hand but to no avail. “Quit pouting,” I snapped. I added a tad more gently, “I’m looking for the guy on the street.”

“You wouldn’t look at me even if you could. You’re the kind of guy who doesn’t like to be called out when he has done something wrong.”

Who did he think he was? “You don’t know me to make those assumptions.”

“You’re all the same,” Alex said bitterly.

“I could say the same about you. Want to know what I think about you? You’re an attention-seeking kid who’s not used to not getting his way.” I didn’t really believe that but his accusations began to get to me.

“I’m not—”

I stopped him with a hiss. The shadow across the street moved. I couldn’t see a face. The man was above average height and well built. Or maybe he seemed to be buff because of the long, flapping coat.

“That’s him?” Alex asked, slightly breathless. I nodded. “Did he see too many slasher movies? That’s so uncool, that long, black leather coat.”

His attempt at humor startled me so much that I gazed at him for a split second. He didn’t look amused. On the contrary, he looked very frightened. As I gazed back out of the window, Alex sidled up next to me, placing one arm around my waist. Absentmindedly, I looped an arm around his shoulders. We watched the man walking to his car, a gray sedan.

“Shouldn’t you write down the number of his license plate or call for backup or do
something
?”

“He’s too far away for me to see the plate and we don’t know for sure that he was watching your apartment. He could very well have a good reason for standing there.” My lame excuse sounded flat.

“But you don’t believe that.”

“It’s a bit too much of a coincidence. He’s gone away now and I doubt he’ll come back tonight.” None of the children had been attacked at home. So far. I hoped it would stay that way. I hoped someone had played a very bad joke.