Atrophy (25 page)

She turned her back on him and strode past them all, a curious wave of energy rolling off her.

“Except you won’t, because your frecking training says I’d have to threaten your life first. Directly!” Rian yelled as she disappeared out into the passage. He slid off the side of the bed and ripped his shirt the rest of the way through, throwing it in the direction of the waste chute.

Though Zahli had been scared to death only minutes before, it didn’t take long for her anger at his arrogant, overbearing manner to resurrect itself.

“Rian, you’re such a frecking asshole sometimes. She just saved your life. Literally brought you back from the dead.”

“Yeah, well no one asked her to.” He brushed by her and came to a stop in front of where Sen, Callan, and Lianna blocked the doorway. “What are you all looking at? Don’t you all have things you should be doing?”

Zahli stormed over to join the rest of the crew, Tannin at her side. “
I
asked her to heal you. Actually, I begged her. Maybe I shouldn’t have bothered.”

Rian forced out a harsh sigh and pushed his hair back with an agitated movement. Zahli caught a fine tremor in his hand. Maybe he wasn’t as okay as he made out to be.

“All right, I’ll go apologize. Will that make you all happy? End this little mutiny? Shite, since when did that woman take over my goddamned ship?”

“And maybe you could try to be a little nicer whenever she’s around,” she added as Lianna and Callan moved to let him pass.

“Yeah, yeah.” He muttered something else as he headed along the passage to the stairs, but she couldn’t make out the words.

“Well, so long as no one else needs me to hold their guts in for them, I’m going to take a shower.” Callan headed back toward crew level while Lianna and Jensen went to finish with the delta-shield. Kira started cleaning up, folding the hover stretcher back down.

Zahli sighed, thinking of the larger mess in the cargo hold. “I suppose someone should clean up the cargo bay.”

Tannin ran a comforting hand over her shoulder and across her back. “I’ll do it. I think you’ve had enough excitement for one day. Maybe you should get a glass of water and sit down. You’re really pale.”

Finding somewhere to sit while her blood pressure returned to normal sounded like a great idea, but she felt guilty leaving Tannin to do everything.

“I don’t mind helping.”

He smiled and tugged her against him, his lips brushing hers with a tender, sweet, sentiment. That simple gesture made everything right again, washed away the last of the horrible feelings within her. “Rest. I think I can hose out the cargo hold and return the ATV.”

He let her go and disappeared along the corridor as she sighed and sat back against a nearby cot, which reminded her of what they’d done last time they’d been in here.
God
. She needed him on every level. More than she’d ever imagined it was possible to need somebody.

“What was that?” Kira asked from behind her.

She straightened, heat brushing over her cheeks.
Damn it
. They were supposed to be keeping their relationship a secret. Well, that seemed to be working out just great.

“What was what?” she asked in return, playing dumb.

“The kissing? Of course, I’m not surprised. You looked like you were a second off jumping him from practically the first hour he was on the ship.”

The burning sensation along her cheeks intensified and she busied herself straightening things that were already straight so she wouldn’t have to look at Kira.

“You noticed that, huh?”

“Yeah. Plus anytime you two are in a room together, the temperature goes up by about a hundred degrees. I swear, you could cut all the sexual tension with a knife.”

She groaned, turning to look at the doc, blushing or not. “That bad?”

Kira nodded, a teasing grin spreading across her face. “I don’t know how you two managed to resist each other for so long. If it had of been me, I would have tied him down to my bed for a week, Rian’s rules or not.”

“I’m Rian’s sister. I have to set the example. Plus, if it wasn’t for Rian, Tannin would have either spent the rest of his life on the run from the IPC or stayed on Erebus until he died.”

Kira came over to stand by the cot, the cleaning all finished. “If you love him, then everything else becomes inconsequential. A spark like the one you have with Tannin doesn’t come along very often, so you should grab hold of it while you can.”

It sounded great, so simple, but she couldn’t think about Kira’s advice, not with everything that’d happened.

“I’m going to go take Tannin up on his offer of resting before I start dinner. Though I don’t know why I’m going to bother cooking. Everyone will just complain it’s not as good as Jensen or Ella’s.”

“They’ll still eat it, though.”

“Of course. Because who wants to hear Rian’s lecture about how wasting food is like blowing currency out the hatch?”

Kira’s expression sobered. “At least he’s still here to give us lectures. I don’t think anyone will be complaining about that tonight.”

“Yeah, but he came back as pissy as ever. You’d think being dead might have adjusted his attitude.”

“I think I’d be scared if Rian ever acted any other way.”

She sighed. “You’re probably right.”

With a wave, Zahli left Kira and headed up to the galley. She couldn’t believe how close they’d come to losing Rian. As annoying as it was, Rian really was the center of their galaxy, holding them together and giving them a purpose. Without him, they’d be cut adrift in the dark with no real direction.

Of course, she didn’t want to let her brother know that; his head was big enough already.

But this incident highlighted the danger he faced, that they all faced, by openly going after the Reidar. Rian had stepped up his offensive and the shape-shifters had responded in kind. It made her wonder where everything was heading, where it would all end, and just how much she’d be willing to sacrifice to stand by her brother and his seemingly impossible mission.

Inside her cabin, instead of going straight to bed she headed into the privy, feeling like she needed another hot shower to wash away the last of the icy chill in her blood for thinking, even for a few brief moments, that her brother was dead.

After she dried her hair, she padded back into the main room, stopping with a jolt of surprise to find a very naked Tannin reclining in the middle of her bed. He had both hands crossed beneath his head, displaying his biceps and pecs, one knee bent and the other leg stretched out, half rolled towards her. Her breath caught, making her throat go dry.
Holy frecking stars.
Her bed had never looked so inviting.

“Took you long enough,” he drawled, that wicked,
wicked
smile on his face melting what little remained of her insides.

“What are you doing?” The utter stupidity of him lying naked in her bed struck her cold, chasing away all the fuzzies she’d been feeling.

He shrugged. “It seems obvious to me.”

She bent to pick up a blanket that had half fallen on the floor this morning and threw it over his thighs and lower abdomen, where certain parts of his anatomy left no doubt what he had in mind.

“You’re going to get us in trouble. No, forget that. You’re going to get yourself
killed
.”

He sat up and flicked off the blanket as he stood. She took a step back, but he stalked her across the room.

“Rian shut himself in his quarters with two bottles of Violaine. I doubt he’ll come out for the next few hours, and everyone else is keeping themselves busy. I don’t know about you, but every hour that goes by I get a little bit crazier from wanting you. Plus after what just happened, we need this. So if you don’t stop thinking and come here now, I won’t be responsible for my actions.”

The back of her legs bumped into the chair set against the desk as he caught her, but his statements had silenced the small inner voice warning her this was a bad idea.

His green-gray eyes smoldered, scorching her before he lowered his head, placing a hot, open mouthed kiss on her neck just below her ear. She shuddered at the simple, yet consuming contact. He was right. Almost losing Rian, seeing him come so close to death, knowing that next time Ella might not be around to save him, it had broken something inside her, something she couldn’t put back to rights. But it had borne a tentative new courage to not be afraid of owning what she wanted out of her life. She needed this, needed Tannin. But this time, she wanted to do things her way.

She grabbed a handful of his hair and tugged until he leaned back from her. With a hand in the middle of his chest, she urged him toward the bed, smiling as he dropped down to where he’d been lying when she’d found him.

With quick movements, she stripped out of her clothes, letting them fall to the floor around her until cool air swirled over her bare skin, an arresting contrast to the heat building inside.

She placed a knee on the bed next to his hip, capturing his hand when he would have cupped her waist, instead taking it and laying his large, roughened palm over her breast.

He made a low sound. “I see the lady knows what she wants.”

Feeling free and empowered, she smiled at him, climbing all the way onto the bed, her thighs on either side of his hips. “I thought you already knew what I wanted.”

She kissed the underside of his jaw, loving the abrasive texture of his whiskers against her lips. He groaned as she lowered herself just enough for the tip of his erection to brush her very center.

“Let me guess. You want a new pair of shoes?” He tipped his head back and sucked in a breath as she repeated the teasing movement, this time increasing the pressure, the sensation of him slipping against her pure torture. She could only bear it because she was in control and could end it whenever she wanted.

“Actually, I do want a new pair of shoes, but that’s not what I was thinking of.”

Wanting more of him, she found his lips, kissed him deeply for a moment, then pulled back again.

“Maybe you want a diamond pendant to go with that star you wear, then?” His voice had become deeper, uneven. And this time when she rocked against him, she almost took him inside. Almost, but not quite, and the action had both of the moaning.

“A diamond would be nice, but still not what I had in mind.” She arched against him once more, knowing even she wouldn’t be able to stand the teasing torment much longer.

“Then you must want this.” He seized her hips and forced her downward even as he thrust upwards.

“
Oh god, yes
.”

So much for having all the power. Tannin might have been underneath her, but he set the pace, controlling every measured stroke and leaving her gasping each time he retreated.

The sensations wound tighter and tighter, sending her soaring until pleasure ripped from her very heart and soul, taking her to a place she’d never been and had never dreamed existed.

Below her, Tannin growled, wrapping a large hand around the back of her neck as he flipped them. She’d barely come down when he pushed her high again, cresting another intense wave, and this time he went with her. He shuddered against her and she felt him come deep inside her, creating yet another surge of bright, powerful feelings.

“Jezus,” he breathed out as he rolled to his side, tucking her into him. “If Rian doesn’t kill me, there’s a good possibility that you might.”

She laughed, since that about summed up how she felt. A yawn crept up on her, the lack of sleep from the night before weighing her down. Her eyes drifted closed and she felt Tannin pull a blanket over her as she snuggled deeper against him. At last, it seemed she’d relaxed enough to get a few minutes sleep. There was something so warm and peaceful about curling up next to Tannin after he’d loved her so well. In fact, she’d be quite happy to stay right here for the rest of eternity.

Chapter Twenty-One

R
ian braced his hand against the bulkhead separating his bedroom from the privy, taking another burning swig from the bottle of Violaine. It didn’t help. The urge to scull the bottle until he collapsed into oblivion shook him, but getting wasted wouldn’t make a difference.

The witch had done something to him. He might have been dead, as hard as that was to believe, but she’d brought him back
wrong
. A part of him was missing. Where once there’d been a deep, dark, black hole of utter desolation and despair right in the middle of his soul, now there was nothing. He wouldn’t say he felt whole.
Jezus
, nothing would ever be able to do that, even a frecking miracle from God himself. But that chasm of utter wretchedness had been the driving force behind his longing to take down every Reidar in existence.

What would happen now that it was gone? Would he wake up one day and just not care anymore? Think,
oh well
, maybe it was someone else’s problem?

Some of the anger and bitterness he’d felt for the scum-sucking bastards spilled over into a loathing toward
her,
and he threw the half empty bottle into the bottom of the shower, wishing the sound of breaking glass could have been more satisfying. At least his resentment and rage were still in good working order.

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and strode over to rip a clean shirt from a hanger in his locker.

The priestess would make this right. He didn’t doubt she’d know exactly what he was talking about. She probably thought she’d done him a favor. Helped him.

Well, he hadn’t asked for her frecking help, and Zahli shouldn’t have either. The ship’s regen unit probably would have revived him just fine. He’d seen people brought back from impossible wounds.

Somehow, he knew the witch was in her cabin, though he didn’t want to examine too closely
how
he could be so sure. He slapped his hand over the door control far harder than necessary, leaving a stinging in his palm.

He expected to find her perched on the middle of the bed in a meditative pose like he had last time, but instead she sat on the padded bench seat, feet tucked underneath her, watching a program on her viewer. Or should he say
his
viewer. She was only a guest on his ship, after all. No matter what the rest of the crew might think.

“I wondered when you’d come looking for me.” She turned the screen off and then looked up at him. “Fury and confusion are coming off you in waves.”

He clenched his fists, teetering off-side when he’d scarcely been in front of her for two seconds. “Stop reading me.”

Her lips thinned, an annoyed expression crossing her features. In the back of his mind, he realized the more time she spent with them, the less Zen and priestess-like she became.

“I’m not reading you. You’re projecting your feelings. You might as well be yelling at me.”

“So fix whatever you did, and I won’t need to anymore.”

She crossed her arms, tilting her chin up as she gazed at him. “
Fix
you? Last time I did that, you didn’t seem very impressed.”

“You took something from me. I want it back. Now.”

She stood, walking over until she was toe to toe with him, though her head barely topped his shoulders. For the first time in a long time, the urge to retreat, to back down, rolled over him, almost putting his feet into motion before he’d quite gotten a handle on it. Sheer stubborn willpower kept him where he stood.

“I took a vortex of blackness from your soul. Something that was slowly sucking the life out of every good thing you have in your heart. If I hadn’t, you’d be lucky to live out another year. And if you did, you wouldn’t like the soulless creature you’d become.”

An unfamiliar emotion tightened his chest, because she was right. There’d been a monster deep within him, waiting to claw its way out and strike down everything he cared about. Yet, despite knowing what it’d been doing to him, he feared its absence almost as much.

“You don’t want that back, Rian.”

She reached out and touched the middle of his chest, where his heart pounded like thunder. Like the last time she’d gotten too close to him, he wanted to pull her against him, take from her anything he could get. Yet this time, no fight exploded within him and the lack of malevolence toward her felt foreign, thrilling, and shocking.

He knocked her hand away. He still didn’t trust himself, didn’t quite believe that the absence of the black vortex inside him would be permanent. He’d come here wanting the darkness back, because he’d thought he needed that bleakness to drive him against the Reidar. But her simple words had him running scared of the moment it would return; surely it couldn’t be that easy to take away something so deeply embedded.

“I saw what they did to you, saw every burning, tortured moment, the ones you remember and the ones you’ve forced yourself to forget. I know you’re
different
now. I saw everything that made you the man you are.”

His heartbeat increased to a deafening roar, making his whole chest ache. He’d never told anyone, not even Zahli, exactly what’d happened to him, the things the Reidar had done to him, the things he’d done
for
them. What they’d turned him into. And now, this woman standing in front of him knew every dirty, reprehensible thing about him. Just when he’d thought she’d repaired his soul, he felt it cracking all over again.

She tilted her head, a caring, forgiving glint to her gaze. “Don’t do that, Rian. It wasn’t your fault. You shouldn’t feel ashamed. I don’t think any less of you for it, and I know the people you care about wouldn’t either.”

There didn’t seem to be enough air in the room. He clenched his fists, the compulsion to lash out bubbling up from deep within him.

“You might have seen those things and taken some of the darkness away, but you still have no idea what I’m capable of.”

Her rich hazel eyes darkened. “I know exactly what you’re capable of. And though you might think me naive and sheltered, I can tell you, there aren’t many men in the universe like you.”

She reached out for him and he caught her wrist as she laid a palm against his neck, her fingers slipping into his hair. Before he could pull her away, a streaming explosion of pleasure erupted through him. He sucked in a breath, dropping to his knees as his legs gave out. Groaning, he pulled Ella down against him, grabbed a handful of her thick, soft hair, and buried his face in the warmth of her neck. He inhaled the scent of exotic moon jasmine until dizziness warred with the rushing ecstasy.

Every cell within him felt alive in a way he never had before, like the blood in his veins was fizzing. His arm wound around her, across her lower back, wrenching her harder against him.

He yanked on the fistful of silken strands, tipping her head back, intending to crush her mouth beneath his, kiss her while he pinned her down and stripped her naked, so he could pound into her until he
forgot
. The hot blaze of utter rapture already coursing through his body made him shudder as he lowered his head, her lips a breath from his. Yet, as he glanced up into her deep moss colored eyes, as she took in a small breath and leaned into him, wanting to be kissed, reality resurrected itself.

With another groan ripped deep from within him, he let her go and shoved backward, coming up against the bed, chest heaving as he tried to get enough air, to inhale without
her
filling his lungs. Ella dropped back against the bottom edge of the padded bench, her breathing as erratic as his, her eyes dark and seemingly bottomless.

“What the frecking hell did you do to me?” His voice sounded scratchy, like he’d just woken up from a long night of marathon sex, though it’d been a lifetime since he’d done anything like that.

She shook her head, tangled strands of her hair slipping over one shoulder. “I don’t know. That wasn’t meant to happen.” Her voice came out just as husky, setting off another fire within him.

“Bullshite.”

She drew her knees up toward her chest and for the first time since he’d found her on Arleta, she looked unsure and hesitant. So damn vulnerable he wanted to wrap his arms around her and protect her from every bad thing in the universe. Except he
was
one of the bad things in the universe.

“I really don’t know. All I wanted to do was connect with you, help you to understand how much you mean to everyone. But when I opened a telepathic link between us—” She broke off and took a breath.

Likely because if she’d felt even half of what he’d felt, just the memory of it was enough to send him into sensory overload.

He jerked to his feet. He’d thought if he stopped touching her, he’d be able to resist, get back onto solid ground, remember the thousand or so reasons why even being near her was a bad idea. But it seemed like his body had been caught in the gravitational consumption of a black hole—no matter what he did, he was going to get sucked in.

“Don’t ever touch me again.” His hand shook as he reached out to open the door, making him want to string together as many inventive swear words as he could. But she’d already seen how unsettled this encounter had made him; he didn’t need to verbally punctuate it.

“Rian, wait.”

From the corner of his eye, he saw her stand, but he slipped out the door before it’d fully opened, scraping his chest as he twisted sideways to fit through. He couldn’t face her now, not without losing it. And despite what she might think, there could be nothing more unpredictable than him without his thin leash of control.