aterovis_bleedinghearts.pm6 (11 page)

The kiss lasted for what seemed like only seconds, or maybe years...who could tell? When he finally pulled away I lay back onto the bed and Asher laid his head on my chest.

“Wow,” he whispered after a moment.

“Yeah, wow,” I agreed.

We heard footsteps coming down the hall and Asher sat up quickly. Adam entered with a box and gave us a funny look — I suppose we looked guilty — but he didn’t say anything. Mom followed a few seconds later with another box.

“This is all your clothes,” she said, “When you are feeling better Adam will bring you to get your car. You’ll be staying here until I figure some stuff out. I’ve got to run now, that appointment with the lawyer. Asher, do you want to go now or stay awhile? Adam said he could take you home later if you want to stay.”

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“I’ll stay, if you’re sure it’s okay?” Asher said immediately.

“It’s fine,” Adam assured him.

Mom came over and gave me a hug and a few words about being a good guest for Adam and then she was gone. Adam walked her out to her car, so Asher and I were alone again.

“Um, Asher?” I said as soon as they were gone.

“Yeah?” he said cautiously.

“What do you think that kiss meant?”

“I dunno,” he whispered, “Maybe that you like me?”

“I told you I did, Ash,” I told him gently. I reached out and took his hand in mine, “I’m just confused about some stuff right now. I probably shouldn’t have kissed you like that.”

“Are you kidding?” he exclaimed. “I am so glad you did. I want to do it again right now. And again. And again. But what are you confused about?”

I didn’t know whether to tell him or not. How do you tell someone that you can’t give them your heart because you are afraid they might have killed your friend? I almost started laughing at that thought. It sounded like the plot off of some soap opera. I decided to be honest and let the chips fall where they would.

“Asher, I have to ask you a question. Please don’t get offended. It’s really important to me, okay?” I said.

“Sure, anything for you, Killian.”

“Where were you when Seth was killed and I was stabbed?”

For a long time, neither of us said a word. Asher never looked away from my eyes. I watched the light slowly go out in them, like someone was turning a dimmer switch. The affection and warm love were replaced by hurt and cold anger. He slowly stood to his feet and stared down at me. I sat up, worried that I had gone too far.

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“So that’s it,” he said softly, almost to himself. Then louder and full of anger, “That’s why you can’t love me? You think I killed Seth and stabbed you? You think I’m a murderer.”

The anger faded as quickly as it had come up and Asher suddenly burst into tears.

“I love you, Killian,” he sobbed, “I’ve loved you for years. How can you think I would ever, ever hurt you?

Do you really think I’m the kind of person that could kill someone and then lie here with you like nothing happened? Is that what you think of me?”

My mouth was opened to speak, but nothing would come out. He spun around and ran out of the room.

Finally I found my voice and called out after him, but it was too late.

Adam appeared in my doorway. “What happened?”

he asked sharply.

“I was stupid and hurt Asher,” I said quickly, “Please, go after him.”

Thankfully, Adam ran off after Asher without asking a bunch of questions first. I collapsed back on my pillow and let out a long, shaky sigh. I seemed to have quite a talent for hurting those I cared about. I wonder whom I could alienate next?

* * *

Adam had caught up to him and they had had a good talk, but Adam said he wasn’t ready to come back yet.

Give it time, Adam kept telling me. Asher did bring my make-up work from school as far as the front door, where he handed them over to Adam, so I figured that was a good sign.

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Meanwhile, I grew closer to Adam and learned more and more about Seth. It turned out that Adam had another son who still lived with his mother. She still wouldn’t allow Adam to see him at all. His name was Kane, and Seth had missed him terribly after he had come to live with Adam. Adam got quite choked up whenever he talked about him. Kane’s 15th birthday party was coming up in a week and this especially sad-dened Adam since he wouldn’t get to see him.

He showed me pictures of Seth and Kane together.

Where Seth had the long gangly frame of a runner, Kane was stockier, more solid looking. That wasn’t the only difference. Kane was also quite a bit shorter than Seth and his curly hair was darker, more auburn. But if Seth had looked a bit like an elf, Kane looked like an elfin prince. From the one close up Adam had I could see that Kane’s eyes were the same intensely piercing green that Seth’s were. Adam said they got that from their mother and it was completely natural. His face was delicate, beautiful but hard to describe.

I felt for Adam. I could tell just by the way he looked at the pictures how much he loved Kane. I knew it would be a great comfort to see him right now as he dealt with his grief. What a hard woman his ex-wife must be not to allow him to see his only living son at a time like this.

When I asked Adam about it, he simply said that it was more hopeless now than ever since his ex-wife was blaming him for Seth’s death.

By the end of the week I was feeling much better. I thought I might try to go back to school on Monday.

On Saturday, we went and picked up my car. I wanted to go see Asher, but Adam said to wait some more.

I talked to Mom almost every day. She said the lawyers were advising her to get out of the house as soon as possible, but she was still afraid of what Dad might do if she tried to leave him. She said he was hardly 94

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speaking to her since the beating and when he did it was like I had never existed. I was worried about her, though, worried he’d become violent again and there would be no one there to help her.

As Kane’s birthday drew nearer and nearer, Adam became more and more withdrawn and depressed. I wanted to do something so desperately, but what? His birthday was on Wednesday; it was Sunday afternoon when I had my brainstorm. As soon as Adam left to go visit Steve on Sunday evening (he lived one town over), I went to work. My idea was simple. But first I had to find some information.

I felt a little guilty as I began to dig through Adam’s desk, but I decided that the ends would justify the means. I didn’t find what I was looking for, so I decided to check Seth’s desk. After about ten minutes of searching I was rewarded with the object of my quest.

I ran to the phone and excitedly dialed the number I had found on a scrap of paper. It rang. Once. Twice.

Three times. I was getting tense.

“Hello?” a voice answered. I couldn’t quite tell if it was a woman or a boy whose voice hadn’t yet changed.

“Hello?” I said hesitantly. Now I wasn’t sure what to do.“Hello?” they said again.

“Um...is this Kane?” I asked.

“Yeah. Who’s this?” I sighed with relief.

“You don’t know me,” I started, talking fast, “but my name is Killian Kendall. I know your dad. Actually, I’m living with him right now cuz my dad kicked me out of my house and your dad took me in. I was Seth’s friend.”

I paused to take a breath and Kane jumped in.

“You live with my dad?” he sounded excited, “Is he there now? Can I talk to him?”

“No, he isn’t here now and actually that’s why I called.”

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“What do you mean?” he sounded confused.

“Your birthday is this Wednesday, right?”

“Yeah?” he sounded even more confused.

“It’s all your dad has talked about for the last week.

He’s so sad cuz he can’t see you. He wants to see you so bad, so I thought maybe if you called that day, it would be better than nothing. I thought it might cheer him up.”

“What do you mean? Why can’t he see me? Mom said he never calls and that he didn’t want to see me.”

My heart went out to Kane. I knew how it felt to not be wanted by your father. But it wasn’t true in Kane’s case.

“No, that’s not true. He wants to see you so badly.

He cries when he talks about you. Can you call?”

“Definitely. I would love to talk to him. I miss him so much,” Kane sounded somewhat distant, as if he was thinking about something else.

“Are you okay?” I asked him.

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know. Why would my mom lie to me?”

“Um,” I didn’t know how much to tell him, “Do you know why Seth moved in with your dad?”

“Mom said because he wanted to,” Kane said thoughtfully, “but I know Seth was happy here. He was gay, but I guess you knew that if you were his friend.

He didn’t hide it. I always thought that it might have something to do with that, since he moved right after he came out to Mom.”

“Yeah, I knew. Were you okay with that?”

“Yeah, why not? He was still the same guy as always.

He was a great brother,” he choked up a little. “I still miss him.”

“Me too,” I said simply. I made my decision. “And so does your dad. He’s gay too, you know.”

“He is?” he asked with just the tiniest hint of surprise in his voice. “I guess I kind of suspected in the back of 96

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my mind, with the whole Seth thing. Are you too?”

“Yes, I am,” I said. It still felt strange to say that, but very right.

“Were you Seth’s boyfriend or something?”

“No, we were just friends.”

“Oh. Well it doesn’t matter about my dad. I still love him and want to talk to him.”

“So you’ll call him on Wednesday?”

“You bet I will and I can’t wait.”

I gave the phone number and he asked for the address so he could send letters.

“Thank you for calling, Killian,” he said just before we hung up. “You are a good person. I’m glad you were Seth’s friend. He didn’t have many.”

“I’m glad I was Seth’s friend too,” I said sincerely.

We said our good-byes and we hung up. I felt very satisfied with what I had accomplished. I couldn’t wait for Wednesday.

97

JOSH ATEROVIS

I woke up the next morning excited about my day for the first time in quite some time. I was excited for three reasons. One, I was still excited about my conversation the night before with Kane. I couldn’t wait to see Adam’s face when he called on Wednesday.

The second reason I was excited was that I was going back to school today. After missing two weeks, I was anxious to get back. I was a little nervous, too, since I knew I had been a main topic of conversation.

The third reason was that before I went to school, Mom was picking me up and taking me to the optom-etrist to get new glasses, since mine had broken when Dad punched me. I hadn’t had any since then.

I was ready and dressed in my best pair of baggy jeans and a new long-sleeved T-shirt when Mom arrived to pick me up for my appointment. We made small talk all the way to the office. After Dr. Sanchez did a check up to see if my prescription was still accurate, he asked me the question he always did every time I got new glasses.

“So, Killian, have you thought any more about getting contacts?” he asked me.

I started to answer with my usual no thanks, but for some reason I stopped and thought about it. Why not?

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people could get used to putting them in then maybe I could, too. It was time for some changes. I was going to take control of my life and I would start by getting contacts.

“Yeah, I think I’d like to try them,” I told him.

He looked up in surprise, “You would?”

“Yeah, I’m ready for something new.”

“Okay, let’s take another look at a few things then,”

he said. He moved the machines back over to my eyes and looked at them from different angles. After a while he sat back and said, “You have great eyes for contacts.

You shouldn’t have any problems. I think we even have your prescription in stock. You can take them home today.”

I had to choose between disposable and permanent; I went with disposable. Then I had to decide what kind, I settled on a new kind that I was supposed to be able to put in a leave in for a month at a time. Apparently they breathed or something, whatever that meant.

Then I had to practice putting them in, over and over till I could do it relatively well. It wasn’t as hard as I had feared, although it did take me about 20 minutes on each eye the first time.

I decided to wear them to school. I also asked Mom if I could get a haircut after school since I was ready for a change. Besides, my hair had grown a lot since my last haircut and it was looking a little shaggy. Mom decided that we would just go now since I was already late for school.

“You might as well look your best for your first day back,” she said philosophically. Who was I to argue?

We arrived at the salon Mom goes to and I was turned over to a stylish woman improbably named Bambi.

Bambi asked me what I wanted, but since I didn’t really know I told her to do whatever she wanted. She let out a little squeal and said I was her dream client come 99

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true.

About a half hour later she spun me around to get my first look at the finished product. It was a short stylish cut, very different from the longish style that I had come in with. The cut was short around the ears and in the back and a little longer in the front. Bambi had parted it down the center and my naturally wavy hair had actually curled slightly.

“So whatcha think?” she asked me.

“I love it!” I told her.

After we paid for my haircut and I tipped Bambi generously, we were off for school. I was more than a little nervous by this time. I had been out for two weeks, I knew I was the main topic in the rumor mills, and I had a new look that for all I knew everyone would hate. I tried to summon up the courage that I had found earlier, the courage from the new Killian, but apparently he had stepped out for the moment.