At Last (11 page)

I pushed his hand away, and his head dropped. “There’s nothing I can say, is there?”

“No,” I said, my voice barely audible. “I have to go now.”

He embraced me, his naked body rich with the scent of us, his own smell that had made me hallucinate into thinking he really cared about me for two months.

“Don’t leave,” he whispered. I struggled out of his arms and literally flew out of the flat. I leapt into the car and told the driver to just hurry up. To take me home.

* * *

When my parents came back, my mum twigged immediately that there was something wrong. I couldn’t quite tell her exactly what happened, but I mentioned that his ex-girlfriend had come back. My mother kissed her teeth and said, “Don’t waste your time then, my baby. Do you want some pepper on your rice?”

Yes, because indigestion would really help right now. Dad caught me in my room systematically deleting all the emails between me and Ryan and all the photographs of us together.

“Hey, Dads,” I said weakly, pulling down the lid of my laptop.

“What’s up?” he asked, touching a hand to my head. “Aren’t you with your boyfriend tonight?”

“We broke up.”

“Oh, Court, why? What happened?”

I took my Dad’s hand and held it tightly. “He did something pretty awful. I can’t…couldn’t ever trust him. He used me to make a point.”

“That doesn’t sound like him,” my dad said, sitting down on my bed. I looked at his face. He looked so much younger than a man his age should; his dark eyes were concerned for me. I was the one who wasn’t supposed to cause him any trouble. The “good” child.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because he made the effort of calling us to ask permission to take you out before he ever set foot in our house. Bad boys don’t do that. Court, when I was that age, I did some stupid things. But I was lucky in that I had people who forgave me. No one is perfect. Has he done anything to show that he’s sorry?”

“It’s not just a matter of him saying sorry.” Him sending flowers to my workplace, to my home, sending me emails, calling me, texting me… None of it was going to work.

My father tutted impatiently. “Child, I’ve been married for nearly forty years. You think I don’t know that sorry isn’t the end of it? You will never have a lasting relationship unless you learn to forgive.”

“Just like that?” I asked, shocked at his mutiny. Why wasn’t he standing up for me?

“No. You talk about it together. When you stop talking and you let other people whisper all sorts into your ear, then you’re doomed.”

For the millionth time that day, I felt tears sting my eyes. “I don’t know what to believe.”

“Just think who would have the most to gain by lying. I liked him. You know I can tell a good one a mile off. Think about it. I hate seeing you miserable.”

“Thanks, Dads. Love you.” He gave me a tight hug.

“Your daddy loves you more. You’re a smart girl’ you’ll always make the right choice.”

* * *

Andie and Jay met me in our local pub for a Sunday roast dinner a few weeks later. Jay wanted to broach the Ryan subject, but Andie wasn’t having it.

“Look, yeah, I just want to eat my food in peace. Don’t make me mad by making us talk about your shit of a best mate.”

Jay put an impatient hand over her mouth and said to me, “He is a broken man.” He held on more firmly as Andie started struggling. “He’s gone far beyond the boundary of tears. Rich said that he’d be crying into his beer over you, but he’s just staring into his drink like it holds the answer to life. He’s supposed to start his apprenticeship with Robert Matthews, and he’s asked if he can defer it.”

“What?” I said, shocked. “Is he insane? He’ll lose it!”

“Exactly.” Jay subdued Andie by giving her a tickle. “He can’t think about anyone or anything else but you.”

Having made his point, he released Andie, then pushed her shandy towards her. “You,” she heaved, “are in so much fucking trouble.”

He gave her an assured smile. “Am I really?” He stroked a hand over her bare thigh soothingly.

Andie gave a Marge Simpson-like noise of disapproval in her throat. “All right, look, I’ll admit, he looks like he’s been pushed onto a tube track, but fuck, man, he screwed you over. For that wannabe Playboy ho.”

Jay laughed suddenly. “Andie got thrown out of the club for slapping her.”

“What? She asked for it. Fucking biatch. Pass me the mustard, please.”

“Court, I know he’s my mate, but I knew him when he was going out with Melissa, and she fucked him around like no one’s business. Chris didn’t help either—he was throwing it in Ryan’s face. I’m not saying what Ryan did was right, but I understand his motivation. And he wouldn’t have carried on if he didn’t adore you. I think about a month after you two started emailing, we all knew about you. To the point where I could have pointed you out on the street without even seeing a photograph of you. Seriously.”

“He was with us yesterday at one of Jay’s thingies,” Andie piped up.

“Andie made sure he’s deaf as well as heartbroken.”

“Things he needs to hear. If you won’t tell him, I will. Just coz he’s your bredrin, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell him how things are.”

“You know he’s seen Melissa,” Jay added.

“Oh God, look, stop it!” I said to both of them. “I don’t want to know. Just stop bullying me about him. I didn’t do anything wrong—he did. And he can’t take it back.”

“He can if he tells Melissa to fuck off in the middle of Brompton High Road. If he really wanted to show Melissa, he’d have invited you to South Africa to rub it in their faces. But he came home, to be with you.”

I bowed my head as tears tugged at my eyes. “Can we please stop talking about this, now? Please?”

Andie nudged Jay. “I told you, man.” She leaned over the table and squeezed my hand. “It’s all right. Just eat your food. Now,
X Factor
starts soon. Let’s start bitching about what bullshit Cheryl Cole is going to put on her body and call fashionable.”

Jay relented and got up. “I’m going to get some more drinks. Another cider, Court?”

I nodded, and he disappeared to the bar. Andie was cutting into her roast beef with vigour.

“So,” I said, forcing lightness into my voice, trying to enjoy the immediate change of subject. “You and Jay.”

Andie gave a modest little shrug. “He knows how to talk to me.”

“You mean he’s not afraid to tell you to shut up,” I teased.

“That too. Plus, yeah, man threw me around the bedroom like he was using me to put out fire. Never had sex like that before in my life. You tell him I told you that, you will die.”

I grinned and pretended to zip my lips closed. Andie picked up her Yorkshire pudding and tore it with her fingers. “Well, you’ll probably die of a broken heart anyways, so…”

“Andie!”

“All I’m saying is why give that bitch Melissa or that cock Chris the satisfaction? At least talk to him. You’re going to run into each other, because I’m not giving up good sex just to save you face, you gets me?”

Jay put down the pint glasses. “I heard that.”

“Fuck,” Andie hissed.

“I’ve heard that too, usually followed by ‘baby, that’s so good.’” He laughed as he avoided her fist. “I’m going to sit next to you, Court.”

Jay moved his plate to the other side of the table, then gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. “You know everything will work out, right?”

I picked up my pint glass and drank instead. No one could expect me to talk if I had my mouth full.

* * *

I was coming home from work the next day, with homework! Selene needed a portfolio of vintage lace to finalise the collection, so I had to stick little squares of material to each design. I really should have done it during the day, but I got another bunch of flowers from Ryan and burst into tears. Again. I hated it, I hated being so unprofessional. And I bloody loved that job!

Selene had taken me into her office and sat me down. “Courtney, I know this is your first relationship, so take advice from an older woman.”

“You’re only eight years older.”

“With a three-year-old and a husband. And about ten evil ex-boyfriends. If you don’t deal with things head on, they seep into every inch of your life. It’s like you’re trying to pretend nothing’s happened and everything is fine. It’s affecting your work. I know you think it isn’t, but you should know designing comes from being creatively open and being able to tap into memories and emotions, and if you’re trying to ignore the fact you even have any emotions, you won’t be able to do it.”

She held up one of my more recent designs for cropped trousers. I knew it sucked, but seeing it next to Selene’s face, it sucked even worse. “You could have had this perfect with two things.” She drew in military buttons and a few lines that instantly smartened them up. “You would have done that yourself, if you weren’t so distracted. I understand it’s difficult, but you need to sort yourself out.”

“What did you do with your evil ex-boyfriends?”

“Husband included, I legged it.” She sent me a smile. “But I speak from experience. Running away or burying yourself in work never helps. You’re just going to hit a brick wall.”

“Can you tell him to stop?” I begged.

Selene gave me a long, searching look before she picked up her mobile. “Ryan? Hello, it’s Selene. How are you?” Selene bit into her bottom lip. “I know. But you have to do something. You need to stop the flowers. To her work anyway. No Ryan, I understand, but you’re not being fair. It’s upsetting her. Oh, I know. All right. All right. I will. Okay, thank you. Bye now.”

She put her mobile down and gave a long sigh. “He said sorry for upsetting you, again. And the flowers will stop. Okay?”

Not really
. “Yeah. I’m sorry, Selene, I’ll sort myself out, I’ll be better, I’ll work harder.”

“No Courtney, just…whatever is wrong between you and Ryan, I hope you sort it out.”

So now I was fucking up at work. Just as I reached my house, I was thinking of creating an effigy of him to burn on a pyre when I ran slap bang into Chris.

“Courtney!”

“I am not talking to you,” I said dismissively, taking out my house keys and opening my door as he followed me. I turned to shut the front door in his face, but he put his foot in the door.

“Courtney, please.”

I pursed my lips together, holding the door firmly. I looked at his face; there was a greenish bruise fading from his eye. “Courtesy of Ryan?” I nodded to his eye.

He touched it defensively. “Just after you left the club, yes. I want to say sorry.”

“Sorry for what? Embarrassing me in front of my boss, destroying my relationship, ruining my life?”

Chris bowed his head and tried to take my hand. “For all of it.”

I edged out of his grasp. “Thank you for the apology. Bye.”

“I still want us to be friends.”

“You have to be kidding me! You know what, Ryan had every opportunity to make it clear what a complete and utter cock you were and still are. And he didn’t—it’s almost like he was protecting you.”

“Doubtful. He was probably protecting you from…you know, thinking you’ve wasted your time with me.”