Asylum (37 page)

            “Yeah,
in so many words,” she agreed.  Truthfully, her mother had been kind enough to
chalk her father not wanting a baby up to his deteriorating mental health, but
that was better left unsaid.

            “You
believe that?” he wondered.

            “Sure,
why?” Chloe shrugged

            “Because
what kind of mother tells her child something like that?  That’s psychotic.  I
find it hard to believe.  What guy is going to leave his wife and the two
children he already has because of one more kid?  It doesn’t make sense,” Seth
argued gently.

            “I
dunno.  I never thought about it like that,” she said dully.

            “And
you never saw him or heard from him once?” Seth continued.

            “Never
saw him but…but he sent cards and stuff, sometimes.  Like on my birthday or my
sisters’ birthdays, sometimes he’d send a card with some money in it.  He’d
just sign it
Dad
.  And he’d write an address inside it too, always a
different address.  Like maybe he moved around a lot,” she remembered.

            “Did
you or your sisters ever write to him?” he asked.

            “I
did…one time.  He always wrote the address in my cards, never theirs.  When I
was older, maybe in middle school, I thought it meant something.  I thought it
meant that he might want me to write to him, just me, you know?  So I did.  I
wrote him a letter, and I sent it to the address in the card.  And a couple of
weeks later, it got sent back to me.  ‘Return to Sender’ stamped on it.  So I
don’t know why he bothered.  I never wrote to him again after that,” Chloe kept
her voice monotone.

            “And
that’s all the contact you had with him?  A couple of birthday cards he sent
you?” Seth confirmed.

            “And
a book.  He sent me a book once, on my birthday.   It must have been my
thirteenth or fourteenth.  It wasn’t even a new book, it was all marked up and
dog-eared,” Chloe added.

            “What
book was it?” he asked.

            Chloe
blew her breath out, it formed a hot cloud that quickly dissipated in front of
her.  She leaned her head back against his shoulder and stared up at the sky,
pretending to try and remember.  What book!  She wished she didn’t know, wished
she could shrug and say she couldn‘t recall, play it off like she didn’t care. 
The truth was that the stupid old book went everywhere with her.  Even now, it
was on the window ledge next to her bed in the dorm room she shared with Sam. 
She had considered bringing it with her to Seth’s house.

            “Frankenstein,”
she said.

            “Frankenstein,”
he repeated.  “How random.  The only gift he ever gave you, a random used copy
of Frankenstein.  He must have liked it.”

            “I
don’t think he was right in the head,” Chloe laughed harshly.  “Not like he was
mental or anything, but you know what I mean  There was something wrong with
the guy.  Anyway, he died.  Maybe two years ago now, and he left me…all of us
girls a much better present--money!  We each got enough to cover college, and
mom got what was left after that, I don’t know how much it was total.  So he
came through in the end.”

            “I’m
sorry,” Seth said, squeezing her again.

            “Don’t
be, I didn’t even know him,” she said.

            They
stayed that way, sitting on the rock wrapped around each other for what seemed
to her a very long time.  She could still hear the water lapping against the
icy rocks on the shore.  Farther up the beach, the moonlight made the iced-over
snow glisten brightly.  The shore seemed almost too luminous for the time of
night.  Chloe gazed upwards, out over the water.  The obsidian sky had a green
tinge to it that, as she watched, faded to yellow.

            “Do
you see…?” she began.

            “Mmmm…”
Seth agreed, he was watching avidly.

            The
colors became deeper, more defined, sheets of light cascaded across the black
background.  Green tinged in red, fading again to yellow…white streaks shot
through it.

            “Oh….Wow…”
was all she could think to say.

            “Yeah,”
Seth agreed.

            “Does
this…is it like this every night?”

            “No,
it’s pretty rare.  We seem to get the best shows in July, sometimes August, but
you never really know.  It all depends on conditions in space, solar
flare-ups…things like that.  I just had a feeling about tonight,” he whispered.

            “Wow,”
she repeated.

            Together
they watched the northern lights dance across Lake Superior, their colors
reflected in the black, shimmering water.  She turned to look at Seth.  His
eyes seemed green in that strange light.  When he realized he was being
watched, he smiled.

            “What?”
he demanded.

            “I
was thinking…well, I was just thinking.  If you wanted to be romantic, now
would probably be an opportune time to kiss me,” she shrugged and tried to look
nonchalant.

            He
laughed deep in his throat, and tweaked her nose.

            “Are
you happy?  Right now, sitting here with me in the freezing cold, knowing that
you have to go back and spend a week with my crazy family…are you happy in this
moment?” he asked.

            “What
a strange question,” she said, leaning away and tilting her head back to watch
the light show.

            “Answer,”
he pressed quietly.

            “Yeah…yes,
I am,” she pursed her lips and scrunched her eyes in mock imitation of his
thoughtfulness and then laughed.  “Yes, Velma!  Why ask that?”

            “Because
you never are.  Because you never relax, it’s like you’re always waiting for
the axe to drop,” he observed.

            Chloe
flinched.

            “When
we go back, tell Dr. Willard you have too many credit hours to be his TA
anymore.  Tell him you don’t have the time.  He’ll understand,” he suggested.

            “No! 
I can’t do that.  I can’t bail on Sam, there’s a lot of work still, and she’d
be pissed!” Chloe insisted.

            “Then
get her to quit on him too,” he said.

            “Why? 
You think that that’s why I’m not happy?  Because I have to spend too much time
at the library?” she asked.

            “I
think it makes everything worse,” he admitted.  “I think if you could just give
up on this whole ghost-asylum-conspiracy thing, you would be a lot happier. 
Come on, Clo…I know you guys hit a dead end.  What are you going to do?  Are
you going to go digging around the dorm at night, trying to find some
mysterious cornerstone that may or may not even be there, and then try to smash
it to bits…really?   What do you think that’s going to accomplish?  Are you
going to go chasing after the oh-so-mysterious
bad
ones?  You’ve got
your future to think about, why waste this time trying to figure out something
that can’t make any difference anymore anyways?”

           
“Are you
lecturing me?”

            “No. 
I’m asking you to make a decision to be happy,” he said in a low voice.

            Chloe
didn’t answer.  Did he think it was that easy?  Did he really think she could
shrug her shoulders and say ‘oh well’ at this point?  She wasn’t pursuing
it
anymore,
it
was pursuing her!
It
had always pursued her.  She had
tried to ignore it, tried to start over and play normal college girl.  How long
had that lasted, a few days at most?  Give up on it…sure.

            “I’ll
think about it,” she said dismissively, not meeting his eyes.

            “That’s
a ‘no’, isn’t it?” Seth said.

            “Are
you happy?” Chloe twisted away from him, and stood up.  “Are you happy now…or
ever?  You always look worried.  How can you be happy with me when we’re so
different?  You’re like this hot awesome star athlete that everyone on campus
loves and you’re dating the resident freshman psychopath.  How can you be
happy?”

            Seth
clasped his hands and looked thoughtful.

            “Why
would you refer to yourself as a psychopath?” he asked.  “You think that that’s
what I think about you?  Because I’m not sure what’s happening in you and Sam’s
room, because I’m not sure what to believe it is, you assume that I think
you’re a psychopath?”

            “No,”
Chloe shifted her weight from one foot to the other nervously.  “No, that’s not
it.  I don’t want to talk about this anymore.  We should go back, your mom made
dinner and-”

            “and
now I’m pushing too hard.  Trying to make you open up to me,” Seth guessed. 
“And that makes you nervous.  Why do you feel that you’ve got to hide from me? 
Is there something I’ve done that makes you think I’m the kind of guy that
would hurt you somehow?”
            “No,” Chloe said quickly.

            “No…?”
Seth asked suspiciously.

            “No,”
Chloe shook her head for emphasis. 

            “But
Sam on the other hand…you seem to trust Sam more than you do anyone else. 
Why?”

            “Because
she doesn’t make me feel like you do!” Chloe snapped.

            “I
see.  I make you feel bad,” he said calmly.

            “No! 
No, not bad!  The opposite.  I feel…” she looked up to see him watching her
face intently.  She turned her back to him.  “It wouldn’t rip my heart out if
all of a sudden Sam decided she didn’t want to be my friend anymore.  It would
hurt, sure…but I could deal with it.  I’m used to it…to people hating me. 
Everyone hates me.  That’s just how it is.  My mom, my sisters, all the kids at
school.  The nice ones would just pretend I wasn’t there, the other ones…the
way they’d look at me…like I was a piece of shit.  You get used to it.  Then I
came here and I met you, and you look at me like maybe I’m…like I’m…I don’t
know, special or something.  I don‘t want to lose that.”

            Chloe
clenched and unclenched her fists.  She felt stupid and awkward.  Behind her,
she could hear Seth stand up, the scrunching sound of the snow under his boots.

            “Clo,
look at me,” his voice was low and gentle.  “Look at me.”

            Slowly,
unwillingly she did.  His eyes still reflected that strange greenish hue.

            “Clo,
I…” he stopped.  For a moment he seemed to consider something.  Then he came to
a decision and continued carefully, “I’m always worried that I’m going to say
or do something that’ll scare you off.  Sometimes I get this vibe that maybe
I’m coming on too strong, or that you’re keeping me at arms length, because
you’re waiting for me to mess up, or to hurt you somehow.  There are days when
I think you’re melting, when you seem more trusting, more comfortable, and then
immediately afterwards you’ll freeze up and not talk to me or shove Sam like a
privacy fence between us.  I dragged you out here for Christmas thinking that
if we were together all the time, and you didn’t have Sam, then you might…you
might see me differently.”

            “I
see you fine,” Chloe shrugged.  “I already think very highly of you.”

            “You
think very highly of me,” Seth repeated in a mock professional voice.  “That
sounds like a recommendation or something.”

            “I
would recommend you,” Chloe said honestly, “to anyone.”

            Seth
cracked a smile and then rubbed his face in a tired way. 

            “Alright,
I’m letting it drop.  I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”  As if to emphasize
his point, he sat down on the rock and patted the cold stone next to him. 
Taking the hint, Chloe sat down beside him.  Together they went back to
watching the sheets of colored light roll slowly and softly across the north
sky.  Her gloved fingers found his without looking and squeezed.  He squeezed
back.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

            “IT’S
CHRISTMAS!!!” Bea screamed at the top of her lungs.  “GET UP!! GET UP, IT’S
CHRISTMAS!!! SANTA’S COME!!!”

            “Oh
my God, somebody needs to shut her up,” Rachel groaned from the floor.  “Go
back to bed, Bea!”

            Chloe
rolled over and checked the red digital numbers on Rachel’s alarm clock.
Quarter to six in the morning?  The child had to be on drugs.

            The
overhead light snapped on.  Bea came in dragging her favorite blanket, a grubby
pink quilt, and body-slammed Rachel.  Rachel yelped in pain and shoved Bea
off.  The child bounced back to her feet excitedly.

            “Get
up!  Get up!  Get up!” she chanted encouragingly.  With one hand she began
tugging the blanket off of Chloe.