Assariyah (11 page)

The conversation with him had taken me back to a place I did not ever want to remember. You see when I was fourteen I had fallen pregnant by Eric, my sister Nayla’s boyfriend. He was twenty-two at the time and she was twenty. They had been dating for about three years so he was a regular fixture in our household. One day I had bumped into him after leaving school early. He’d asked what I was doing bunking off, so I told him I usually skipped Miss Preston’s History class on Wednesday afternoons because Judy and her big mouth friends always hated on me. They would call me names and throw things at me but dumb ass Miss Preston was blind to all the shit they did. However the moment I retaliated and tried to stick up for myself, she all of a sudden got X-ray vision.

“Assariyah Jones why must you always find the need to disrupt my class? I’ll tell you what, since you think you are so clever, come here and teach the class.”

“But Miss they…”

“That is it get out of my class, you are on detention for a whole week.”

The whole class erupted with laughter as I got up to leave the classroom. I hated them all and couldn’t be bothered to keep getting in trouble just for defending myself, so I stopped going to her class altogether.

“I’ll tell you what, come back to my place and you can chill out and play with my Nintendo, that way you don’t have to worry about bumping into anyone else.”

“For real? Thanks Eric,” I said, giving him a big hug.

“No sweat baby girl but you’ve got to promise not to tell your sister or I’ll be the one who is in big trouble.”

“I promise, cross my heart and hope to die, promise.”

He winked at me and I followed him to his place.

When we arrived at his house, Eric and I played computer games and he gave me loads of candy and chocolates. I was having so much fun until Eric started stroking my thighs.

I moved his hands away, “Eric what are you doing?”

“Lighten up Assariyah, I just wanna play a little game with you.”

“I should really start going home now.”

“We both know that if you go home now, you’ll get in trouble for bunking off school.”

I shrugged my shoulders even though he was right. It was way too early to go home, Mama would flip out.

“Just chill out,” Eric said and then started kissing me. I knew what we were doing was totally wrong but it started to feel kind of good after a while and I did not have the strength or the will power to fight him so I laid still and let him have his way with me.

Fast forward three months and I found out that I was pregnant. When I told Eric, he told me that I had to get rid of it.

“I love your sister, if you have this baby it will ruin everything. She will hate you and your whole family will think you are a whore, do you see why you can’t have it?”

I was scared and ashamed of what I had done and I did not want anyone to find out. I decided that Eric was right and getting rid of it was the best thing for everyone’s sake.

Eric booked the appointment and dropped me off on the day but he did not stay. There were loads of young girls just like me at the clinic. Some of them had someone accompanying them, many others were alone but ultimately we were all there to destroy a life. I followed the nurse into a room where I had to get undressed and got prepared for the operation.

When the anesthesia wore off, I remember the doctors telling me that everything had gone well and I could go home later on that day. I looked down at my belly, my baby was gone, I felt so empty. I burst into tears and began crying uncontrollably.

The nurse just stared at me, “You’ve got what you wanted so why are you crying?”

I felt so awful, what type of person murders their own baby? Several days afterwards I was in tremendous pain. I experienced really sharp excruciating cramps, it was so severe that at one point I was sure that I was dying. I read the aftercare instructions I received from the clinic and it said that mild cramps for three days was normal but this pain was extreme. I had no one to turn to, therefore I suffered in silence. I locked myself away in my room and withdrew myself from the rest of the family to avoid answering any questions.

Months later I was still hurting, it was not as frequent as it was in the beginning but I was in agony when the abdominal cramps hit me. Consequently I went to visit the doctor and tests showed that I had an infection in my womb and tubes and as a result it had developed into Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. I was given antibiotics and it was treated but, despite that, it came back several months later. The lining of my fallopian tubes swelled up and the canals became much narrower. The doctor told me that because my body had been through so many complications at such a tender age, chances of me becoming pregnant in the future were highly unlikely.

I was heart-broken, I loved children and the thought of not being able to carry my own child again was unbearable. I felt like I was being punished for sleeping with Eric but if he hadn’t touched me I would never ever have slept with him. I resented Nayla because she always had him around the house. Eric made sure that whenever no one was looking, he made a point of reminding me how much everyone would hate me if our dirty little secret ever got out. I loathed him for what he had done to me but I couldn’t tell a soul given that I was also at fault. I felt trapped with no one to reach out to for support.

When Nayla dropped the bombshell that Eric wanted her to marry him, Mama and Daddy were so happy but I begged her not to marry him.

“Please don’t say yes to him Nayla.”

“Don’t be silly sis, I love him, why would you even say such a thing?”

I looked for all the excuses in the world knowing I sounded stupid but I could hardly tell her the real reason. Mama and Daddy found it amusing and thought it was cute that I did not want to lose my big sister to a guy.

“Nayla will always be your big sister regardless of who she marries.”

“That’s right, Pumpkin,” Daddy said, in agreement with Mama.

Then Nayla chipped in, “Yeah babes I’m always going to be your sis and Eric will be like a big brother to you.”

They spoke to me like I was a little child but I had been through more shit at fourteen than most grown-ups ever had to endure in their lifetime. I couldn’t tell them so I had to sit back and watch Nayla marry Eric. She loved the monster who forced me to kill my baby. In a way I hated her for bringing him into our home in the first place.

Now that I had received a second chance to experience motherhood, I was not going to destroy my blessing. There was no way on earth that I would get rid of this baby. It did not matter how many threats Stephen made. This was my baby and abortion was not an option.

Chapter
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4

I finally gathered the courage I needed to go and see Mama. I was too
scared to call beforehand so I just showed up unexpectedly at the house. I could smell her cooking from outside, it smelled so delicious and reminded me just how much I missed her food. I took a deep breath and rang the doorbell.

“Who is it?” Mama called out.

“It’s me Mama,” I answered, sheepishly.

“Assariyah, is that really you?” she asked, fidgeting around with the locks.

“Yeah Mama it’s me,” I replied.

The door swung open and Mama was standing there. She looked so beautiful with her glowing cinnamon complexion and berry lips. She threw her arms around me, giving me a really tight hug, I hugged her back. I felt so good being wrapped up in Mama’s embrace once more.

“I have missed you so much baby,” she said, stroking my hair and kissing my cheeks.

“I’ve missed you too, Ma.”

Snapping abruptly she pushed me away and landed a huge slap across my face.

“Where the hell have you been Assariyah? Do you have any idea what you have put me through for the past year? I have been worried sick about you and you didn’t even have the decency to let me know that you were okay. Not even a single phone call from you Assariyah.”

“I know Mama and I’m so sorry for not calling but I was too ashamed to face you after what happened at the wedding.”

“That’s the problem with you, you are always too busy thinking about yourself and too selfish to take anyone else’s feelings into consideration. You know I am all by myself. Thank God for Nayla, otherwise I don’t know where I would be.”

“I’m sorry Ma.”

She raised her hand, “Just stop! Sorry, sorry, sorry that is all I ever hear coming out of your mouth.”

“Ma, I admit I was wrong for the way I handled things but you cannot make me feel any worse than I already do. I did not come here for a lecture so I guess I’ll come back another time.”

“Yes go ahead Assariyah, do what you do best, run away when the going gets tough. Let me tell you something though you cannot keep on running forever. Eventually things finally catch up with you and overflow. So go if you want to but the problem still remains.”

She was right, I had to deal with this now or it would only get harder. I followed her into the kitchen and prepared myself for the heat. I sat still and watched Mama as she poured a bag of white rice into the tomato sauce that was on the cooker, anticipating what she would say next.

“So where have you been hiding all this time Assariyah?”

“I haven’t been hiding Ma, I just needed some time to sort things out and work out what I really want from life.”

She stopped stirring the rice and diverted her attention back to me.

“And what have you figured out Assariyah?”

I didn’t have an answer so remained silent.

“You know Cameron came here looking for you.”

“He did, when?” I asked, totally stunned.

“About six weeks after the wedding. He mentioned something about you stopping by his place and him being too hard on you. He assumed that you would be staying here and wanted to talk. I tried calling your phone but it was disconnected and you never called home so I had no way of contacting you.”

Her words struck a chord in my heart, my eyes filled up with tears. Oh my God, Cam came to see me, he wanted to talk but I was so busy running that I ended up running away from the one person that I really wanted to be with. He still loved me, maybe he was willing to give me a second chance and make things work.

I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

“There is no need crying over spilt milk Assariyah. The truth is that man loved you dearly and you could have had it all, if you never sweated it all. Now please set the table for dinner.”

I didn’t blame Ma for being hard on me. She was never one to mince her words but I couldn’t help but think of how different my life could have been with Cam. I knew for sure that I would never have got caught up in the whole escort game. I could have avoided all the drama and pain I had been through but she was right, thinking shoulda, coulda, woulda was pointless now. It was far too late. I was pregnant with another man’s child. I just had to live with the fact that I’d never find out what Cameron wanted to say to me.

I laid the table just like Ma taught me to when I was younger. Her voice filled my head, ‘Start from the outside and work your way in’. Poor table etiquette was one of her many pet peeves. Everything had to be set out perfectly, forks on the left, knives and spoons on the right and so on and so on.

Ma inspected the table, “It’s nice to see you remembered some of the values I taught you.” She dished us both a plate of Jollof rice with chicken and said grace before we tucked in.

Halfway into our meal, Mama put her fork down and grabbed my hand.

“I could sit here and tell you how embarrassed and ashamed your actions made me. For a long time I questioned my parenting skills, I felt maybe I failed you as a mother after your daddy died but Nayla turned out okay and I treated you both the same.”

“No Ma, you didn’t fail me as a mother.”

“With a little help, I finally realised that this was not about me or how I felt but about you and your inner demons. Please help me understand why, Assariyah, so we can move on in peace.”

I could tell that it was going to be a long evening and unless I gave Mama an explanation I wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon. I hated delving back into the past but that is where it all stemmed from. My experiences with Eric had tainted my views on men and commitment. I cheated as a defence mechanism, that way if they cheated on me, it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

I knew from an early age that I wanted financial security. Growing up I watched my daddy work his butt off, twelve hour shifts, six days a week just to keep a roof over our heads.

I asked him once, “Why do you work so much, Daddy?”

He replied, “I have to work hard, Pumpkin, to buy you, your sister and Ma nice things. That’s what real men do, they take care of their family.”

Daddy worked so hard that his work eventually killed him. He was working late on the railway tracks when he lost his balance and fell onto a live rail. There was nothing anyone could do to stop him being electrocuted. I was only sixteen when my daddy got stolen from me. It was my worst nightmare and I found it extremely hard to cope with, we all did. Ma had to take on Daddy’s role as the provider. She worked like crazy, doing whatever jobs she could find, from cleaning, to cooking to tutoring our neighbours’ children just to pay the bills but it was still not enough. I didn’t want to live my life like that, so I chased money.