Aspen (28 page)

I come to in Sky’s office. She’s frozen in front of me. My head hurts; it’s like my scar has reopened and is bleeding all over again.

“Aspen, I think—” Sky starts to say, but I don’t let her finish. My entire body shakes. It rattles me down to my bones. I can’t stand being in my own skin. I need to take it off of me.

I run out of Sky’s office in a panic. Kim sees the look on my face and goes white.

“She was alive,” I whisper.

“What?”

“Katelyn was alive,” I say louder.

The weight of what I’ve said hits Kim and she grabs me. “What do you need?”

“I need you to take me to Ben’s.”

Kim begs to come inside with me, but I refuse. I watch her drive down the street and disappear around the corner. Then I bang on Ben’s front door like a madwoman. I’ll bang until my fists bleed if he doesn’t answer.

When Ben answers, he looks surprised.

“What’s going on?” Ben looks around like someone’s chasing me. “Aspen, what is it?”

“She spoke to me,” I blurt out.

“What?”

“Katelyn,” I say.

Ben grabs my hand and pulls me through his house into his room. Everything blurs around me. He sets me down on his bed. But I feel like I’m floating.

“What did she say?” Ben’s voice shakes.

My mouth is dry. “She said she was sorry.” The words come out as light as air.

Ben stumbles back from me and almost falls over. He catches himself on the desk and starts to pace the room. “It’s impossible,” I say.

“What?” Ben bites his nails. I’ve never seen him do that before.

And then it’s like I’m out of my body. Seeing things I’ve never seen before.

“I was texting. The accident was my fault,” I say.

Ben hands fall to his sides and he comes to sit in front of me. He wipes tears from my cheeks with the fingers he was just biting. I didn’t know I was crying.

“No, Aspen. The accident wasn’t your fault.”

“Yes, it was. I was texting.” I say it again and finally feel the tears in my eyes.

“No,” Ben grabs my face and holds his eyes to mine. “Katelyn killed herself.”

The world stops spinning. The air holds no breeze, no oxygen, no energy. I stand up out of Ben’s grasp. Blood drains from my face, all the way down to my toes.

“No,” I whisper.

“Aspen.” Ben moves towards me, but I step to the side.

“That isn’t true.”

“I’m so sorry.” He goes to grab my arm, but I yank it away.

“No. It was my fault.”

“It couldn’t have been,” he says.

“How do you know?”

“Katelyn wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, Aspen.”

“So what? People make mistakes all the time.”

Ben looks at his hands. “She told me what she was going to do.”

“What?” I yell the word.

“Please, Aspen, let me explain.” Ben reaches for me again, but I dodge his move. “Katelyn was depressed. She needed help. It got so bad that Suzy and I confronted her parents.”

My head splits open in pain. Black spots speckle my vision.

“Katelyn came over the night of the accident totally crazed. She found out that I gave her mom an ultimatum: Either she get Katelyn help or I would. Katelyn was beyond pissed. She was manic. She scared the shit out of Sam, throwing things and screaming about how Suzy and I betrayed her. I swear, I meant to help. But Katelyn was convinced I was out to ruin her. She said that she’d rather kill herself than be sent away to some psych ward. You should have seen the look on Sam’s face. I’ve never seen her so scared. I didn’t know what to do.”

“What did you do?”

Ben’s head falls to his chest. “I kicked her out.”

“You kicked Katelyn out.”

He grabs my hand. “If I thought she’d really go through with it, I never would have let her go, I swear. I thought she was just being dramatic. But when Suzy showed me the text message she got right before the accident, I knew I’d made a huge mistake. The biggest mistake of my life.”

“Suzy got a text from Katelyn that night,” I say, barely feeling the words on my lips. Ben nods slowly. “What did the text say?”

“Please don’t make me repeat it.”

“What did the text say?” My voice gets louder.

Ben’s eyes focus on his lap. His voice shakes as he says, “I’m going to hit the next thing I see. I hope you’re happy.” He grasps at me, pulling me toward him like I’m his breath and he can’t bear to let go. “I’ll never forgive myself for kicking her out. Please, you have to believe me.” He kisses my face and my neck and my hands. But I’m numb. Completely numb.

“I was the next thing she saw,” I whisper. My knees give out. Ben catches me before I hit the ground. He sets me down on the bed.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Ben says it over and over.

“Don’t say those words.”

And then it starts to burn. A fire rages up my limbs and into my chest and all the way to the top of my head, where the blood poured down my cheeks and mixed with hers and I thought it was all my fault. I hear the skid of the tires, the crushing sound of metal. And the screams. Like the howling wind that grows until it’s the piercing shriek of life obliterated. I pinch my eyes closed. Ben grabs my hand.

“Please. Talk to me,” he pleads. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say those words.”

When I open my eyes, she’s there. In Ben’s room. And for the first time, I see Katelyn for who she was. All the blank spaces filled.

“Go away,” I say to her.

But she just stands in the corner of Ben’s room, screaming.

“I’m not leaving you,” Ben says frantically.

“I hate you!” I yell at Katelyn. “I hate you!” I run out of his room. Ben tries to stop me, but I wiggle out of his arms. I take off down the street. My leg hurts like it’s broken again. I feel the impact of the steering wheel crushing my chest and my head. I stumble and almost fall into the road. A car horn sounds.

And the blood. On my hands. On my clothes. It’s on my clothes.

I burst in the front door of my house covered in blood. I trip up the stairs to my room.

I have Katelyn’s blood on me. I need to get it off.

She stands in front of me, her voice so loud in my ears, I can’t hear anything else.

“I’m sorry I didn’t give you a damn pencil!” I scream.

Angry, I go to my desk and grab my sketchpad. The noise won’t stop. And I need it to stop. Like I need air.

I stare Katelyn in the face. I look into her blue eyes and see her on the ground that night. My hand moves on the paper. I feel her hair in my hands. And the crunch of glass on my knees as I knelt beside her. My arm is tired, but my hand doesn’t stop moving on the paper. I feel the gurney they strapped me to and how fast the ambulance drove back to town. I feel Kim’s hands in my hair, rinsing the blood away.

My hand moves.

I feel everything.

And realize Katelyn now feels nothing.

The pencil drops to the ground. I breathe. But Katelyn doesn’t. My eyes stare into hers.

And at the same time, we both say, “I’m sorry.”

“Aspen, baby?” Ninny’s voice comes through my ears. “Oh my God, what’s going on?”

I’m lying on the floor of my room. My charcoal pencil is in my hand. Ninny pulls it out of my grip. She wipes my wet cheeks.

“Why were you late?” I whisper, barely seeing her through my tears. “I needed you. You promised you’d never do that to me again. After Taos, you promised.” My voice sounds faint, like something hushed off in the distance. Ninny scoops me up, rocking me back and forth like a baby, petting my hair over and over.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.” Ninny whispers the words in my ear. It’s those words again. But they don’t hurt anymore. She picks me off the ground and lays me down in bed. “I’m right here, baby,” Ninny says, grabbing my hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Ninny covers me with layers of blankets. She lies down next to me, running her fingers through my hair, and then Ninny starts to sing in my ear. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

My toes warm first, followed by my legs. Before I fall asleep, I look at the Grove. A new sketch hangs on my wall. I don’t remember hanging it up. A beautiful girl with long brown hair and eyes that sparkle.

And at that moment, the screaming stops.

Everything hurts, inside and out. I lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling, my mind quiet for the first time in months. Ninny knocks twice on the door and then walks in.

“Do you want some pizza?” she asks in a whisper. She’s carrying a Domino’s box like a delivery person.

“No, thanks.” I sit up, and Ninny places the box on the end of my bed.

Her face is tight, her eyes pulling downward like last night aged her ten years. She looks down at her hands. “You know why I was so sad after I got back from Taos?”

“Because Uncle Steve left you.”

Ninny shakes her head, her eyes never leaving her hands. “I couldn’t believe I did to you what my parents did to me. I left you. I was ashamed, Aspen-tree. And when I got the call about the accident . . . ” Ninny trails off, a tear rolling down her cheek. “Every parent knows they aren’t supposed to outlive their babies. And I came so close that night.”

“But I needed you. I still need you.”

“I felt so guilty.” Her face collapses into her hands.

“Guilty?”

“I was so mad that you almost died.” Ninny looks up at me. “Because I needed
you
. I bought you that car to begin with. I should’ve made you get something safer, something with air bags. But I was trying to do what my parents didn’t. To give you freedom.”