Ashes on the Waves (14 page)

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand—

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep—while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One
from the pitiless wave?

Is
all
that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

—Edgar Allan Poe,
“A Dream Within a Dream,” 1827

E
lation and exhaustion swirled through me in equal parts. I hadn’t slept a minute last night at the store, wanting to savor every moment with Anna. Being with her gave me the freedom to be what I wanted to be: whole, valuable, loved.

And she had told me that she loved me. Annabel Leighton loved me.
Me.
Unfathomable. I shook my head in wonder and checked the large pot of water on the burner. Tiny bubbles were just forming on the bottom.

The splash of the bucket echoed off the walls of the well. One more after this and the tub would be full enough. Johnny had only been in the sea a short while—six hours at the most—but I still felt tainted by the brush of death. I wanted to wash the entire event out of my mind and off my body.

I poured the bucket of water into the tub.

His poor wife. My heart ached for her. I couldn’t imagine the pain of losing a lover or spouse. That was why it was imperative Anna return to New York City before this progressed any further. Surely the reach of the Washerwoman was restricted to this island and Anna would be safe once in her world and free of mine.

The well bucket splashed for the last time and I cranked the handle, winding the retrieval rope until I could balance the bucket on the ledge and unclip it. Francine had helped me devise this because manually pulling up the rope w H handle, was not possible with only one arm. The crank had a brake that held it in place once I got the bucket to the top. Because it was difficult for me to transfer water from one vessel to another, she ordered a special clip that fastened through an eye bolted to the handle. It snapped open with a pinch of two fingers.

After dumping the water into the tub, I added the boiling pot of water from the stove.

Anna had asked me to come back to Taibhreamh when the helicopter arrived so that I could say good-bye to her friends. I hadn’t heard it fly over yet, but I scrubbed quickly just in case it happened soon. After toweling off, I grabbed my dirty clothes from the floor and threw them in the tub. I then slid on my only other pair of pants.

I would tell Anna that she needed to go home. That we were too different and there could never be a meaningful relationship between us. I realized I wasn’t scrubbing the clothes but rather pounding them against the side of the tub.

“No!” I shouted.

Why, when happiness was finally within reach, was it denied me? My chest felt as though it would crack in two. I took a deep breath and resumed scrubbing.

She told me she loved me. That would have to be enough to sustain me once she was gone.

After swirling the clothes in the water to remove the last bit of soap, I pulled the plug that allowed the water to drain out of a pipe through the floorboards to the slope behind the shed.

I stepped into the tub, rolled the pants into a tube shape, and put my foot on one end. Then I twisted the other end with my good hand to wring the water out.

I wondered if Anna would follow my advice and leave. What if the tables were turned? What would I do in her shoes?

The shirt received similar treatment to the pants, and I hung it next to them on the line strung above the tub.

I knew exactly what I’d do if the situation were reversed. Nothing and no one could induce me to leave her, not even the Cailleach. I’d stay with her every possible minute, even if it meant my minutes were limited.

I balled a sock up in my fist and squeezed the water out.

But she didn’t really know the truth. I needed to tell her what seeing the Washerwoman meant.

I shook the sock and hung it over the line. After repeating the process with the other sock, I stepped out of the tub.

Maybe if she knew the truth, she’d do the rational thing and get as far away from this island as possible.

The conflicting desires of wanting her to leave but needing her to stay were ripping me apart. It was imperative I handled this today.

As I fastened my last shirt button, the distinctive sound of the helicopter’s arrival ripped through the air. I swallowed the lump of dread in my throat. I’d have to face her friends again. I’d ruined her birthday party—first by my presence at her home and then by the nightmare on the jetty with Johnny. I hadn’t even wished her a happy birthday or given her a gift.

Regardless, I promised her I’d come, and I always kept my word.

I paused with my key in the lock as Francine’s words played through my head.
You have no control over death, only life. Make it count.
Somehow, knowing part of me could go with her when she left made the inevitable more palatable. I pulled my portfolio out from under the bed, then headed to Ten omeaibhreamh, my heart lighter.

“You made it!” Suzette called from the porch as I squeezed through the partially open gate. “I’m so glad.”

The glare Nicholas delivered caused my demon to stir. Coming here was a mistake. Mallory looked up from the magazine in her lap and studied me with indifference. Anna was nowhere in sight.

“I was afraid we weren’t going to get to see you again,” Suzette said, trotting down the steps to meet me.

So was I. In fact, there were some moments this morning when I’d been certain I’d be hanging from a rope by now. Suzette stopped a foot or so from me and grinned. “I hope you’ll come see us in New York soon. You’d love it there.”

I would hate it there, but I smiled and nodded, pushing down the urge to look back up at Nicholas.

“What’s that?” Suzette asked, pointing at the portfolio.

“Oh, it’s um . . .” I shrugged. “It’s nothing important.”

“Looks like an art portfolio.”

I nodded.

“May I see?”

“No, I’d rather—”

“Yeah, let’s see it.” Nicholas descended the steps two at a time.

Instinctively, I took a step back. I’d brought my art for Anna, no one else.

Mallory joined us. She circled behind me, which made me uneasy, but I was loath to take my eyes off Nicholas.

“You brought it for some reason, right?” Nicholas said.

I said nothing.

Suzette stepped between us. “Leave him alone, Nicky.”

He smirked. “I’m not doing anything. I’m just talking to the guy. No harm in that, is there?”

“Don’t be a jerk.”

His face was all innocence. “Me?”

Mallory ripped the portfolio out of my hand. I spun to grab it back, but she had skipped out of reach. She ran up the porch steps and pitched the portfolio on the bench.

With calculated deliberateness, she unzipped the portfolio, watching me the whole time. “Wonder what our island boy has in here,” she said. “Finger paintings? Stick figure cartoons? Perhaps we’ll get a glimpse into how the other side lives.”

Nicholas joined her. Suzette looked up at me, brow furrowed.

Mallory stared at the painting on top and her jaw went slack. Nicholas raised his eyebrows and stared from the painting to me, then back again.

“Wow,” Mallory said. “Not quite what I expected.”

Nicholas lifted the landscape painting of the harbor and flipped through several subsequent canvases underneath.

Stop,
I willed him in my head.
Please stop.
It felt as though my insides were dissolving. Then it happened.

“Hey, that’s Anna,” Mallory said. “So’s the next one . . . and the next.”

Suzette ran up the steps to look as I felt myself shrinking into the ground beneath my feet. Soundlessly, they ravaged my privacy, scrutinized my very soul as they flipped through drawing after drawing after painting. I slumped to the ground, covering my face with my fadth="1emhand to mask my outrage and pain.

“What is going on? Why’s Liam in the yard?” Anna sounded angry. “What are . . . oh, my God . . .” Her voice trailed off into a whisper.

I kept my head down, containing my anguish.

“He didn’t want to show us, but we fixed that. They’re all of you, Annie,” Nicholas said. “Somebody’s crushing bad. Nothing wrong with dreaming big, I suppose.”

“Screw off,” Anna said. The sound of the zipper on the portfolio was followed by gravel crunching underfoot. I stared at my trembling fist and held my breath.

“Hey,” Anna whispered. “Are you okay?”

The smell of lilies filled my nose and her fingers raked through my hair, rendering me whole again. I nodded, my anger dispersing like sea foam on the shore.

She placed the portfolio in my lap. “I’m sorry they did that. I’m glad you brought your art. Will you show me some of it later?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” She brushed her lips across mine. “Look at me, Liam.” I did. Free of makeup and hair still wet from a shower, she was too beautiful to be real—like a dream. “Remember what I said on the jetty?” she whispered. “Hold that in your heart and not what they just did. Keep that demon down, okay?”

I nodded and stared into her crystal blue eyes and something in me stirred. Not the demon. It was a flutter in my chest as beautiful and bright as the sun breaking through storm clouds.

Fists balled at her sides, she mounted the steps to the porch. She must have worn a fierce expression because Nicholas appeared genuinely unnerved.

They were too far away for me to hear her with her back to me, but I could hear Nicholas. “Look, I didn’t take it, Annie.”

Unintelligible angry words from Anna cut him off.

“We were only having fun. Come on. It’s no big deal.”

Anna’s shoulders rose and fell as she took deep breaths but didn’t respond.

“You can’t really be mad. He’s just a guy from the village. He’s nothing. A nobody.”

Anna’s voice was raised enough for me to hear. “He’s not a nobody to me.”

Nicholas stood. “Look. I can totally understand the appeal of going slumming. We all need to walk on the other side sometimes, but you are taking this way too far. Nobody got hurt.”

“Liam got hurt,” Anna growled.

“So what?” Nicholas said, throwing his arms up. “It’s not like it matters. What’s gotten into you? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”

“You don’t,” Anna said between gritted teeth. “You never have and you never will, Nicholas. You are too selfish to see me or anyone else. The helicopter is waiting. Go home.”

Mallory grabbed the suitcase at her feet and descended the stairs without saying good-bye to Anna. Wordlessly, she passed by me through the gate. Nicholas was right behind her. I stood as he neared. He extended his hand and gave me a brilliant, straight-toothed smile. “No hard feelings there, Liam, right?” I shook his hand, looking over his shoulder to the porch, where Anna was hugging Suzette. He leaned closer. “You may have her right now, but she’ll get bored with you soon. She always gets bored. And ws besslyhen she comes home, you’ll be nothing but a failed experiment.” He gave my hand a painful squeeze. “Enjoy it while it lasts.”

My demon roused and I squeezed his hand back, causing him to flinch. “I will. I plan to enjoy every second of it. And trust me, Nicky; she won’t get bored.”

Practiced ease gone, he jerked his hand away and stormed out of the gate. My demon delighted in his anger and discomfort.

“Sorry about that nasty bit of business,” Suzette said, slinging her tote bag over her shoulder. “Nicholas and Mallory can be thoughtless, but they aren’t really that bad.” She stopped near me and smiled. “I’m sorry they stole your portfolio, but I’m glad in a way because I got to see it. You’re an amazing artist. Your work has sort of an Andrew Wyeth feel. Keep at it. You’re really good.” Then she hugged me. “Take care of Anna, okay?”

I nodded.

“Happy birthday,” Suzette said as Anna reached us. “Thanks for having us to your island.”

Anna gave a wistful smile. “Sorry I bailed on you guys last night.”

“That’s perfectly understandable. In your shoes, I’d have done the same.” Suzette winked and headed out the gate.

Anna took a deep breath. “Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

She made the snort-through-her-nose sound. “I’m not. Let’s go wish them good riddance—I mean see them off.”