As Meat Loves Salt (39 page)

At the bend of the stairs there was more light. I felt the rush of blood in my cheeks which heated me whenever I recalled the night of my
mistake,
as I called it. What if Becs were really in there, now? Should there be any noise I would go quietly to my chamber, hearing and seeing nothing. I turned the corner. The light was from Ferris's room, as I had known it would be. Again the door stood ajar. A full five minutes passed: the flame of my candle grew tall and clear in the motionless air, and the candle being tilted, wax piqued my hand before hardening into a second skin. Grace, I repeated inwardly, Grace; but since the morning it was become an empty word, a woman's name. Go away, I told myself. Walk, cripple, walk.

There was a creak from within. The sound struck a cold blade into my chest and my heart beat painfully as if pierced. The coverlet rustled. I could not move now: I had to stay put. He might go back to sleep. In agony I waited, knowing myself free all the while to walk to my own chamber, except that I could not do it.

I saw fingers fold round the door-edge. Ferris stood before me, clad in his nightshirt, eyes big and black in the yellow light. We stared at one another.

'It's you,' he said stupidly. I thought,
He took me for his wished-for ghost.
The battering of my heart began to go down: I managed to say, 'I am sorry to have—' then my tongue dried. He was pulling at his hair, running it through his fingers and stroking it down on his neck. I had seen others do this while looking on me: Caro, and Becs. I had seen Patience do it while gazing at Zebedee.

I stared at Ferris's parted lips. He was again the incubus. I could step up to him — force him over to the bed as I had once dragged the boy inch by inch towards the pond, feeling his struggles weaken until he was helpless, make him cry out—

Deliver me from temptation, O Lord, let me not — not
—

'Do you want me for anything?' Ferris asked.

The Voice laughed deep within my head. My sense sharpened to a cruel ache. It was all I could do not to pitch forward into the doorway.

He went on, 'Sleep evades me.'

The dry, knowing Voice of the Evil One whispered to me,
Tire him out.

I closed my eyes.

'Well, Jacob.' His voice was unsure. I opened my eyes again and, looking down, saw my fist coated in candlewax. Ferris stared at it, saying, 'If you've nothing to say to me, best go to bed.'

The door shut in my face.

I undressed and lay down in tumult, my head brimming with foul images. No question of calming the blood this time, I was charged like a musket, and the seed fired off so hotly that I groaned; too bad if he heard it. Afterwards I lay calmed in body but racked in mind. Was this always the way of it, that a man climbed towards the angels only to drop into the midden? And he -
he
- I went over every look and gesture which had burnt itself into my memory. This, of course, was another snare. For it was a short way from what he had done to what I would have had him do; and once more I felt my weight bear him down and saw him grind his teeth, and then— in short, I was defeated afresh. The gushing forth of the spirit did at least

bring on sleep, and sleep wrapped me up a little while from fear and shame.

Waking brought back the knowledge of my filthiness. Things could not go on as they had; I dressed and considered what to do.

It was possible I had seen my friend through a glass darkly, the image twisted by my own murky desires. Then I bethought me of the hand smoothing the yellow locks of hair; but this time, being on the alert, I at once felt the snare closing round me in the sudden tightening of my loins, and I straightway put the thought to one side.

It wanted yet an hour to the time when the house would begin to bustle. I looked out on the black courtyard, now my familiar view, yet unforeseen in the New Model, undreamt of at Beaurepair. In the spring I would leave for something clean different, and this too would join the dead lives I had put behind me. At the front of the house was Ferris's window and his view was stranger still — firstly, the place where he had remarked a pretty girl; then a secret communication with a room become her prison; later, he had looked out on the night with her before taking her to his bed; and still later, the steep walls fenced in a ghost's walk.

I wondered what the view was to him now. The field where he hunted Mister Cooper? A walk shared with his comrade and friend? Did he lie lonely— snare, snare, snare. I fell again on my knees, impelled by fear, and spoke aloud: 'Help me, Lord! I am not equal to the task; be Thou my strength!' and in the silence I heard that I must wait and trust as better men had done before me.

Fully clothed, I got into bed so as to sleep out the time. When I next opened my eyes the sky was dark blue: once risen and at the window, I could distinguish the boundary wall of the courtyard. I took a few deep breaths and after braving the landing, made my way downstairs without looking at the door next to mine.

They were all risen before me, Ferris sitting at his usual corner of the table. He looked up as I entered; I turned my eyes away in confusion. Aunt wished me a good morning and went back to slicing bread. Becs was on her way out as I went in, and stepped back to ask me

would I like the new eggs. I said yes, and would have said the same to a dish of spiders.

'Good morning.' I paced awkwardly to a chair. Aunt raised her head to smile. Plainly she was still unwell, her cheeks an unnatural red and the skin round her nostrils tettered and cracked from constant wiping. I saw from the corner of my eye that her nephew bent his head over his plate. When I stole a glance at him he was crushing a slice of bread in one hand, biting off pieces as if to punish it. I prayed briefly and then remained silent, not because I was resolute in keeping my vow, but because I could think of nothing to say.

The maid brought me some eggs fried in butter and Aunt put down a hunk of white bread next to the plate. The eggs were excellent, and spiritual turmoil had actually given me a hunger: I devoured there in silence, and scraped the dish. Afterwards, I bethought me that taking less victual might be of help in curbing other appetites, but by then it was too late.

'It is good to see you well again,’ I said to Aunt as I mopped up the last shreds of egg.

'I don't know about well,' she said. 'Still, I made use of my time, lying there. Thinking.' She tapped her head. 'Christopher, will you come to my chamber?'

Ferris nodded. His aunt got up from her chair, and he rose with her.

'Not just yet,' she said. 'In a little while.' Ferris did not return to the table with me, but went over to the fire and the bigger chairs, and flung himself down there. Silence settled on us like a pall. I was ill at ease lest he should think me unfriendly, so I went over to the other chair where I had him in full view. He flushed deeply and began to fidget, crossing and recrossing his legs.

At last he said, still not looking at me, 'Have you something to say?'

'I'm always fain to talk with you,' I said, and then remembered that I had not spoken to him the night before, when he had said he could not sleep. Perhaps he thought me selfish. That might be it, for his expression was wary as he said, ‘Aunt has something to break to me.'

'I know,’ I replied. 'She said as much.'

'Indeed.' His voice trembled. We each looked into the fire. He went on as if attacking me, 'It concerns you.'

'Well, tell me what it is.'

'Such innocence!' His laugh was a harsh bark which filled me with pain. Stunned, I watched him rise and leave the room.

SEVENTEEN

Brothers and Sisters

Mistress would speak
with you.' Having delivered this message, Becs withdrew before I could gather my wits and question her.

Stung by curiosity, I bounded up the stairs. On my tapping at the door I was at once bidden to enter. She was propped against a reddish cushion, the empty salep cup by her side, and at the first glance I saw she was certainly not angry with me.

'Come, sit down.' She patted the quilt as if inviting me onto the bed itself, but I guessed she meant me to take a chair, and did so. The room smelt of orris, and on the table I remarked an untidy heap of papers which had slithered onto her comb and hairpins.

'May I speak frankly to you, my lad?' Her voice was grave. Without waiting for a reply, she went on: 'When you left the army, what did you bring away with you?'

'Bring away—?'

'Money,' she supplied with the directness of the Cheapside trader she was.

'You want me to pay my board?'

'You are Christopher's guest. But please to answer, as you would a friend.'

This made no sense. However, I obeyed. 'No money. Our pay was in arrears, due in November, so Ferris and I lost it. I had some plate and jewels from Basing.'

'Nothing else in the world?'

'No property unless it be a share in my father's house, but — I cannot come by that.'

'And how do you like London?'

I wondered what this had to do with arrears, but answered, 'Wonderfully well. How could I not, after so cordial a welcome!'

Aunt smiled. 'Do you see that?' She pointed to the pile of papers.

I went over and found, on the very top, my prentice work, the Lord's Prayer.

'Don't tell Christopher I said so,' she warned me, 'but you learnt to set up much faster than he did. You could turn your hand to any work.'

I smiled feebly, unable to discern her drift.

'Do you think if you stayed in London he would give up his colony?' Her eyes, lifted to mine, were grown very bright and searching. My cheeks fired up at once.

'I can't say,' I mumbled, dropping my gaze. I did not want to be the means of entrapping Ferris in the city. Was this what they had talked of earlier? If so, I cursed him for leaving me so unprepared.

'You could do well here,' she said.

'Your kind encouragement is most flattering,’ I hedged. 'But Christopher's heart is set on the colony.'

'O, there might be ways to make him see sense. And make your fortune.'

I stared at her.

'We'll talk of it again.' She sighed and turned over, ready to sleep: I had been dismissed.

I slowly descended the stairs. A crazy suspicion dawned that she was about to propose marriage to me: my youth and strength in exchange for her wealth. Widows were commonly rumoured to be insatiable. But I could not reconcile this notion with her character, nor with her manner to me, which was anything but wanton. And would a woman consumed with lust want to give private audience from her sickbed? No, no. I shook my head with disgust that I had entertained such an idea. No one, seemingly, was safe from my diseased imaginings.

Ferris was scratching away with his pen at a great rate when I entered, so intent upon his work that he did not hear me at first, and jumped violently on looking up to find me there. He at once stopped writing and flung sand onto the paper.

'Well—well?’ he faltered.

'I don't understand her.' I sat down at the opposite end of the table. 'Questions about my estate—!'I waved my hands in desperation. 'Ferris, what did she say to you?'

'She wants you to stay in London.' I saw a crafty relief in his face: there was still something he had not told. He rose, rolling up his paper, and went to the bookcase. 'Where's your map I bought you?'

'I took it up to my chamber. Why?'

'I just wondered.' He went to the door. "There's a book upstairs -excuse me—'

'Ferris, what's that writing?'

'Only the pamphlet. The one you saw.'

'Don't you want me to read over the last bit?'

'Er - later.' He was gone.

Everyone in the house was mad.

Company was expected that afternoon; I was doomed to endure the colonists and their ravings. Harry, Elizabeth, Jeremiah I could at times give ear to, but Roger Rowly never. If God kept throwing myself and Rowly thus together, I thought, He must be thirsting to greet Rowly in Heaven. Ferris, never idle where he could be foolishly busy, had written to that Richard Parr of whom Daniel had told us. I sighed upon hearing inwardly to hear that Parr was to make one with the rest.

At noon Ferris came down, without his sheet of paper, and we dined on roast goose and salted cabbage. I could scarce digest it, my stomach was so jumping about. For some reason there was no apple sauce. Ferris ate savagely, not like himself, clashing his knife in the dish so that the noise set my teeth on edge. Becs, scenting rage in the air, stepped demurely in and out of the room, not setting her wits to

ours or even looking back at me as usual. I found that I missed those attentions which had so grated on me before. Perhaps Aunt was right, and I was vain.

'Becs should find a young man,' I said when all the plates were cleared and Ferris was casting about for his draft pamphlet.

He snorted. 'Don't you worry about her, she can look out for herself.'

I spotted the draft propped against a fruit dish and we settled down to read it through one last time before they arrived. A blessed calm spread through the room; we sat harmoniously side by side as Izzy used to sit over a book with Caro. For once my sense was sleeping and I could be close to him without the usual pangs.