As If You Never Left Me (Crimson Romance) (18 page)

“Does it matter?”

“Yes, dammit, Rey, it does.” She took another step back. “You’re still letting your life be dictated by your job.” She shook her head helplessly. “If it had been any other reason. Hell, a last-minute ski vacation would have been easier to take than this.”

Desperate, he played the only card he had left. “Joely, I love you.”

But she just shook her head. “I don’t doubt that, Rey.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“The problem is that I can’t trust it. I can’t trust it to be enough to hold us together.”

“Why not?”

“Because it wasn’t enough to bring you back.”

He threw up his hands. He couldn’t think of anything else to say. Hell, if “I love you” didn’t work, what would?

She wheeled and grabbed the doorknob, then stopped. “Oh. One more question. Why the hell does this Lisette person know more than I do about this?”

This couldn’t possibly get any worse. There was no way he could explain Lisette’s involvement without making Joely even angrier than she was. It was too complicated, and he could tell Joely was in no mood to really listen to him. He shook his head against the cold anger filling his chest.

With his voice under tight control, he said, “Is there any point in trying to explain? Is there anything I could say that would change your mind?”

She lifted her chin, her expression hard, but her lips trembled. “No. No, I don’t think there is.”

Helpless, he watched her walk out of his life. Again.

The next several days went by in a blur, as Joely tried to put her life back together. She should have known this would happen. It had been too much to expect that Rey could just drop back into her life and they’d automatically find a way to fix everything they’d broken the first time around. There were times when high expectations just set you up for a fall.

She found herself trapped between wanting to forget all about him and deliberately bringing his presence back. The ideas and notes he’d left behind for expanding her business were too important, she felt, to ignore. But looking at pages of his handwriting made her heart hurt.

“Just put this aside for a while,” Perry told her one night, a week after Rey had left. “It can wait until it’s not so hard for you.”

“It’s not hard,” Joely snapped, and then refused to meet Perry’s gaze because Perry, of course, was right.

She walked into her house at night and it was empty. It had always been empty — what was the difference? She kept telling herself that everything was the same as it had been before Rey had appeared in the shop, but it was hard to internalize that. Yes, she still had her job, her little cabin, and everything she’d had just two weeks ago. But Rey had filled all the empty spots for a while, and now they were all the emptier for his absence.

She couldn’t seem to bring herself to talk to anyone about it, either. Not even Perry. Every time she tried to form words, they stopped somewhere in the back of her throat. She couldn’t even cry over it. There was just nothing inside her willing to come out.

So she went to work, came home, went to sleep, woke up, went to work again. Every day. Sometimes she turned on the TV, but nothing she watched stayed in her memory for very long. Every day seemed identical to the day before. Every day was exactly the same as every day had been before Rey, but with one vital difference. All the joy had been sucked out of it.

Two weeks after Rey’s ignominious departure, she sat looking at the spreadsheets again, at the rising bar graph and the profit charts. They were better even than they’d been at the end of October, but the light, heady joy she’d felt then was gone.

She shut the computer down and stared out the window. Snow filled the highest branches of the trees, weighing down the pine branches. The mountainside looked like a Christmas card. Everywhere around here looked like a Christmas card when it snowed. Nothing special about that.

Nothing special, to tell the truth, about anything anymore.

The door opened behind her and Perry came in, a worried expression on her face.

“Betty next door says you need St. John’s Wort,” she said.

Joely shook her head. “Prozac, more like. Or maybe a lobotomy.” She sighed, surprised to feel a little of her old sense of humor coming back. “Maybe I could hire a hit man to get rid of Rey. That would make me feel better.”

Perry didn’t laugh. She just shook her head. “Go home, hon. Eat some tofu.”

“Tofu?”

“Betty says if she knows you, you’ve been chocolate binging. She says you need protein.”

“How does Betty know so damn much?”

“Betty’s smart.”

Joely had no desire to argue. She just didn’t have the energy. “Okay. I’ll go home. I’m not making any promises about the tofu.”

When Perry had left the room, she scooped the handful of miniature Hershey’s wrappers out of her drawer and stuffed them in her purse. No sense leaving evidence for Perry to show Betty.

At home, she didn’t notice the blinking answering machine for a few minutes. Nobody ever called her, so she rarely paid much attention to it. Tossing a tofu-less but protein-heavy TV dinner into the microwave, she finally spotted the blinking light and frowned. Surely Rey hadn’t called.

She pushed the button. A vaguely familiar woman’s voice came from the machine.

“Ms. Birch, this is Lisette, Rey’s secretary. I’m sure you don’t want to hear from me right now, but this really has to stop. I’m getting tired of seeing Rey mope around the office, and I think Bill’s about to fire him. Could you please call me back? I’ll give you my home number so you can talk to me this evening if you want.” She left a Manhattan number Joely didn’t recognize. “As soon as possible. Please. We’re dying here, I’m telling you.”

The exaggerated exasperation in Lisette’s voice almost made Joely laugh. Then wicked satisfaction began to seep through her. It was a strange sensation, since she’d felt so very little over the past week. So Rey was in pain, too.

Good. He deserved it.

She finished her dinner and watched the news as far as the weather before she picked up the phone.

To her surprise, something that felt like panic clawed its way up into her throat. She only managed to dial the first four numbers before she jerkily turned the handset back off.

“What the hell are you scared of, Joely?” she muttered. But there was no point asking, because she knew. Exactly the same thing she’d been scared of two weeks ago when she’d so recklessly let Rey back into her life. That he would hurt her again. Except now, he’d actually done that.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice …

She turned the TV back on and pretended to care about last night’s Broncos game.

But the next night when she came home, she was almost disappointed not to see the answering machine blinking again. She ate her dinner — more protein, since it had seemed to help, but still no tofu — watched the news, then replayed last night’s message.

“I think Bill’s about to fire him. We’re dying here, I’m telling you.” Both phrases made her smile, but this time the smile didn’t feel so smug.

Rey was in danger of losing his job over her. Wasn’t that what he’d said he’d be willing to do? Except now it was out of mourning rather than celebration. Her smile faded. She’d been willing to give up her career, as well, hadn’t she? For about five minutes there, before everything had gone haywire?

Closing her eyes, she let herself do the one thing she hadn’t allowed herself to do since she’d walked out on Rey at the lodge. She thought about him.

Not just about him in general. About the way his fingers felt, trailing over her skin. The way his mouth fit against hers. His tongue tracing her breasts. The sweet slide of his body entering hers. The way her heart had expanded, warmed, pounded, as she looked up into his desire-darkened eyes. The sounds, the smell, the touch of him. The warmth of him asleep in bed beside her.

Tears gathered in her eyes. She picked up the phone and dialed Lisette’s home number.

“Lisette?” she said to the other woman’s “Hello.”

“Yes.”

“This is Joely Birch.”

“Joely, I’m so glad to hear from you — ”

“Lisette,” Joely broke in. “I’m sorry, Lisette. I can’t do it. Tell Rey if you have to. I just can’t do it.”

Uncertain of her own resolve, she hung up before Lisette could protest.

• • •

It got better after a while. By Thanksgiving, Joely felt like she’d fallen back into her old patterns. She ate turkey and played Trivial Pursuit at Perry’s house, then, back home, spent an hour on the phone with her mother, talking about anything but Rey. The world started to look friendly again.

Which was, of course, when it happened.

Wednesdays were usually quiet at the shop, even this close to Christmas, so Joely was surprised when Perry came fluttering into the office, looking frantic. Assuming a crowd of customers had just arrived, Joely said, “I’ll be right there.”

“No, Joely,” said Perry. Her voice squeaked strangely. “It’s him again. It’s Rey.”

Joely stared at her. “You have
got
to be kidding.”

“No way. I’d recognize that ass anywhere.”

Joely straightened the papers on her desk, then wondered why she’d done it. Thinking only marginally more clearly, she stood, straightened her hair, and went for the door. With her hand gripping the knob, she threw a last, desperate look back at Perry.

“Go!” said Perry. “Kill the man if you have to, but
go
!”

Joely went.

It was déjà vu all over again. Rey stood next to the display of wolf-themed pots — only two of which had sold since his first appearance — only this time he wore jeans and a New York Rangers sweatshirt instead of an Armani suit. He looked better in the jeans.

“Rey,” she said, frustrated by the tremble in her voice.

He turned. His normally neat hair had grown a little too long, just enough to make him look unkempt. He looked tired, and carried a thick manila envelope in one hand.

“This altitude’s a bitch,” he said with a pained smile.

She only chewed her lip, trying hard not to remember the effect the altitude had had on him before, how he’d slept there in front of her, his face soft and quiet as a little boy’s.

He gave a helpless shrug. “I guess you don’t want to talk to me. I don’t blame you.” He lifted the envelope. “There are some things in here for you to look at. About the lawsuit against Cherokee, and some other things. I’m staying downtown. Give me a call when you’ve signed everything.”

She took the envelope. “You could have mailed these. You didn’t have to come all the way out here.”

The pain in his eyes made her flinch. “Yes, I did.” He took a step backward, toward the door. He smiled a little but the pain hadn’t changed. Joely blinked and swallowed. She refused to cry in front of him. Or behind him, as he turned toward the door. Or about him, as the door closed behind him.

She stood still for far too long, staring at the closed door, before she heard the creak of hinges behind her.

“Joely?” came Perry’s hesitant voice. “Is he gone?”

Joely nodded, coming back to herself. “He’s gone.”

She walked back behind the counter and headed into the office. The tears had faded and she felt stable again, but her hands still shook as she drew a pile of legal papers out of the long envelope.

“What is it?” Perry asked.

Joely looked up to see her friend watching around the edge of the door. “I don’t know. Something to do with the suit against Cherokee Ceramics, he said.” But another set of papers fluttered out, papers she recognized. She swallowed, staring at them as they drifted to the floor.

The divorce papers. With his signature scrawled across the bottom.

Her face must have gone as bleak as her heart, because Perry said, “Do you want me to stay?”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

Perry propped the door open so they could hear the bell on the front door, then took a seat across from Joely at the desk. She picked up the divorce papers and held them tentatively out to Joely.

“Just lay them down,” Joely said. “I’ll look at that later.”

Forcing her gaze away from the divorce papers, she focused her attention on the rest of the envelope’s contents. On top were documents pertaining to a class action lawsuit against Cherokee Ceramics. She glanced over them.

“Oh, my God.”

“What?” said Perry.

“They’ve agreed to settle out of court. All I have to do is sign some papers and I’ll get a cash reimbursement.”

“How much?”

Joely showed Perry the sum.

“Wow. That’ll pay the rent for a while.”

“It certainly will.”

Joely gave the figure one last, unbelieving look, then went to the next document. She couldn’t imagine what else he might have for her.

She read the next sheet, but at first it didn’t make any sense. She held it out to Perry. “Is this what I think it is?”

Perry looked perplexed, as well. “It’s a letter of resignation. Rey quit his job?”

“Why would he do that?” She flipped through the remaining papers, searching for an explanation. The next stack was more pertaining to the lawsuit, but under that was a sheet of blue-lined notebook paper, filled with Rey’s neat, thin handwriting. Tears sprang to Joely’s eyes. She dashed them away in irritation. She didn’t want to cry. Not over him. Not again.

“Read it?” Perry asked, but Joely shook her head. She needed Perry’s emotional support, but she was afraid if she read the letter aloud she’d be in tears after a matter of words.

Joely
, the letter began.
As you can see, I’ve quit my job. If you don’t believe I’m serious now, you never will. I want to work this out. We need to talk. Call me at my hotel.
A downtown number followed.
If you truly think there’s no hope, I’ve signed the papers so you can file them.

“Not much here, after all,” she mumbled, handing the letter to Perry. She added the divorce papers neatly to the rest of the envelope’s contents and slid everything else back into the envelope. “I don’t want to talk to him,” she said firmly.

Perry tilted an eyebrow at her over the top of the letter. “You’re sure about that?”